today i woke up!

[befuddled1]

Originally posted by C1

Obviously she doesn't need all of your perfect people's criticism, she's got her problems, which can seem small to you, but they are a struggle for her. May be nothing changed much in her life, but she is obviously trying. The problems she has are psychological, and changing yourself is a hard thing to do. When you have nothing to offer or help with, at least don't take away from her her small victories however insignificant they might seem to you.

 

she has been posting this same stuff for over 4 years now. she has been given more sincere advice over the years than any single poster. but after 4+ years of the same whining and complaining and self-victimization and 'woe is me' and monthly epiphanies and loads of excuses she makes for the way she is, it grows way past tiresome. However, perhaps the relatively new people here wouldn't know her history and how her posts are like a stuck record. I'd say after 4+ years, it's time to either p*ss or get off the pot. If you don't like your life/your partner/your surroundings, then be an adult, take some responsibility, take the sh*tloads of advice you've been given, and do something constructive. fercrissakes.

[moimeme]

Then if she's stuck in a loop, why not just suggest she get counselling? If she hears it enough times, she might.

[befuddled1]

Originally posted by moimeme

Then if she's stuck in a loop, why not just suggest she get counselling? If she hears it enough times, she might.

 

Collectively, people have spent hours giving her sincere advice. She's been advised, I swear to God, probably 100 times over the past 4+ years to seek therapy, see a counsellor, see a psychologist, find a support group, speak with someone at a domestic abuse center for women, etc. She has posted numerous times that she's sought counselling, so what more can people here do? I believe the last one she saw told her she had avoidant personality disorder.

 

I just think it's a real shame that newcomers get sucked into this melodramatic vortex time and time again. Her posts are almost word for word from 4 years ago, 3 years ago, 2 years ago. Same old crap. She's a victim, her boyfriend is mean, he doesn't like that she misses work, she fantasizes about leaving him, he expects her to do errands, she has a list of ailments a mile long, she has agoraphobia, strobe light seizures, avoidant personality disorder, hypoglycemia, hypothyroidism, anxiety disorder, panic disorder, social phobia, she doesn't like to travel, her boyfriend is mean, she cancels work because she has migraines, she's read 299 self help books, she has a new epiphany monthly, a new excuse, the same old problem, yet she keeps coming back here asking for the same advice, and writing about the exact same scenarios week after week, month after month, year after year.

 

And newcomers, unbeknownst to them, are doing nothing but enabling her and pitying her and she thrives on it, and all it does is provide fuel for her to remain the victim.

 

If her boyfriend is so unfair to her, she should leave. But she can't because she has no money, because she doesn't like to work much, and she has excuses, and all these problems, and did I mention excuses?

 

There are people in this world with real problems......family members dying, husbands leaving them, children missing, laid off and living in their car, living in places where children are killed stepping on land-mines, people watching a loved one slowly die from Parkinson's or Alzheimer's, single moms working 3 jobs to try and put a roof over their children's heads, people living with a diagnosis of breast cancer..............and here we have someone who has a boyfriend who puts up with her whining and crap, her excuses, her laziness, .....and it's really just a lot of bullsh*t and I hate to see people that don't know her history, getting sucked into it all.........

[autumnlover]

CIndy,

 

I dont know you and well i am so sorry to butt in on a thread and know nothing about it but i want to let you know that YOU KICK ASS!!!! I like your advice and i think once i get established here...you and i will get along great.

[moimeme]

So maybe she does have a personality disorder. That is as real a problem as any other.

[befuddled1]

First of all, a therapist is not qualified to diagnose anyone.

 

Secondly, everytime you turn around these days, there's a fancy new "disorder" for people who choose to play the victim and not take responsibility for their own life and happiness. Look in the DSM-IV.......everyone of us could relate to one of the disorders in there, to some degree.

 

There are people with debilitating illnesses, both physical and mental, who do not sit each day and whine about the hand they are dealt...nor do they use their illness as a convenient scapegoat for acting like an adult and accepting responsibility. I know of several people here who have struggled most of their lives with chronic illness, both physical and mental, and their lives haven't been easy...but they don't go around for years, looking for everyone and everything to blame their tough life on.

 

There are THINGS, constructive things, that people can do to HELP THEMSELVES....be it change the company they keep, change their surroundings, get some hobbies, look outside of themselves and stop dwelling on themself and how the world apparently short-changed them. Nobody said life was going to be a bed of roses.

 

This individual should thank her lucky stars that she's got a man who's stuck by her for this many years, despite the fact that she won't travel with him (and doesn't even like him travelling to see his own family for god's sake), she doesn't like social outings, she doesn't like to do housework or cook, he's had to support her adult daughter and daughter's child, oh the list goes on. You obviously don't know the ongoing melodramatic history here, and I regret that I've wasted as much time as I have speaking to it. It's a waste of time. Some people just enjoy chaos and playing the victim. But hey, if you want to get sucked in, be my guest.

[moimeme]

everyone of us could relate to one of the disorders in there, to some degree.

 

You don't understand the nature of 'disorder'. Yes, it sounds as though they are common behaviours, however the diagnosis of disorder rests on the nature and degree of impairment caused by the behaviours. For instance, everyone washes their hands. When someone washes her hands so often she rubs the skin raw or has to put other aspects of her life on hold, that is disordered behaviour.

 

That you choose not to believe that there are valid mental disorders does not negate their existence. However, that people like you prefer to blame the sufferers rather than encourage them to get treatment contributes to the egregious stigmatization of people with mental illness that already takes place.

 

You will eventually catch up with modern science and learn that this opinion of yours is not based on fact. Meanwhile, those of us who follow the research are encouraged that maybe more people can be prevented or cured from suffering psychological ills and then be able to help others.

 

I understand the luxury of righteous indignation. If you think you can blame a person for their behaviour, you get to haul off at them. If you are forced to acknowledge that there is a medical basis for their behaviours, you are left without a target for your wrath. Must be really frustrating.

[cindy0039]

I have a suggestion. Why don't we stick to speaking to and about Zingy and not about mental disorders in general? I think we're getting off topic now.

 

I actually agree with a lot of what befuddled1 has to say on this particular thread. This is a person who has come here for years making almost identical posts, and it does become a little tiresome and frustrating for those who have been around to see them all.

 

I have no doubt that Zingy has a mental disorder. But to me the point is: What does she want from us? I've asked her a couple of times now on this thread to simply tell us what advice she's seeking. This is an advice forum, isn't it? She doesn't seem able to take any type of feedback whatsoever without becoming extremely defensive and attacking the very person(s) trying to help her. And I do apologize for my first response in this thread as being sarcastic.

 

But come on, does she really expect us to feel sorry for her and take her side no matter what, over and over again? We can only base our opinions on what she says. If she doesn't think we're being fair or don't understand, maybe she needs to give us more information so we can.

 

Zingy - don't just come here and rant and rave and then not want to hear what anyone has to say. We've given you advice on this same topic over and over and you don't seem to want to hear it. Tell us how we can help you.

 

p.s. Are you still going to counseling?

[moimeme]

Why don't we stick to speaking to and about Zingy and not about mental disorders in general

 

Because, Cindy, I'm passionate about getting rid of the lack of understanding about mental ailments and about educating people about them and so when I see someone blaming what may well be a disorder on the person and going on about 'personal responsibility', I try to use that as a 'teachable moment'.

 

If we are here to help people, I'm not sure how helpful it can be to browbeat someone. Certainly that must have been tried over the past four years and I'm guessing it wasn't successful, either. Newbies will come here and see an apparently troubled person get reamed out heartlessly by 'senior members'. I'd flee and never come back. I happened to first join when nobody was saying such things to such people else I'd have fled in disgust.

 

There are certainly people who are clueless who need 'wake-up calls'. But there are also people in real difficulty for whom a 'wake-up' call is just more pain piled up on their existing difficulties. I'd rather go softer on the clueless ones and not further harm the damaged ones than the other way 'round and it certainly can be extremely difficult to figure out which is which from words on a page but why not err on the side of kindness?

[cindy0039]

Originally posted by befuddled1

First of all, a therapist is not qualified to diagnose anyone.

 

Secondly, everytime you turn around these days, there's a fancy new "disorder" for people who choose to play the victim and not take responsibility for their own life and happiness. Look in the DSM-IV.......everyone of us could relate to one of the disorders in there, to some degree.

 

First of all, I have to ask: What makes you think that Zingy has only been to a therapist for a diagnosis? I haven't read everything she's ever written so I may have missed it. Did she say that? If so, you're right. She needs to see a psychiatrist for a diagnosis of a mental condition. If she has indeed been diagnosed by a psychiatrist, she should be taking medication as well as being in therapy to cope with the problems she's obviously facing.

 

As far as the DSM-IV, sure most people could relate to "some" of the list of things for a disorder to "some" degree, but that's a far cry from being ill enough for a diagnosis. That's what psychiatrists are for. I choose to trust my doctors and put faith in what they say and the diagnoses they make. If they determine that I am sick and need to be on medication, I take it. I think they know better than I do. But for some people the medication may help and the therapy may help, but they still aren't going to ever be "normal." They're always going to struggle to cope with their illness. And I have to agree with Moimeme on some of the points she made in that regard and once again apologize for my unsympathetic comments.

[moimeme]

It's cool, Cindy. You know this is my 'soapbox issue'. There's a great deal of work to be done to remove the stigmatization of disorders so that people won't be ashamed out of getting treatment and I'm just one soul trying to help do some of this work.

[zingy again]

if anybody had taken the time to really read my post, they would of seen that i did not come here to complain, rant, rave, bitch or anything.

 

i came and made a statement and that was all. it did not warrant 35 replies or any really, i just had wanted to make a statement.

 

as for my original heading, it says "today i woke up" or something like that. for you narrow minded people, eh hem, wont mention names here cause she knows who she is.

 

i had implied that consciously i had woke up. most wont understand the concept of that because most people live unconsciously.

 

that means that most people live in a daydream type of world, they think about the future, the past, and everything but the very present moment.

 

so there fore, when ever i come here, immediately people are digging in the past for what ever little dirty remarks and garbage they can pull up in their so totally conditioned minds that it is to a point comical.

 

to be awake in the sense that i meant it, is to be in the present, in the here and in the now!!

 

not awake from my sleep induced sleep, but awake in my mind, in my real of unconsciousness.

 

perhpas tony knows what i am talking about but i don't think anyone else does. i guess this subject was too deep for most.

 

ah well....such is life eh?

moimeme..

 

i appreciate so much about what you said about people with mental disturbances. i have a niece who is totally bi-polar and knows it.

 

she faithfully takes her meds daily, and to those ignorant who don't understand her or what she goes through on a daily basis, are similar to those here.

 

she cannot help herself alot of times, with her feelings, thought, emotions, etc...so should she of ever come here with similar problems that she is unable to solve because of her medical condition and be chastised to the point that i have been from "bemuddled" or is it jag or laurynn?

 

who ever you are, using the name game, and doing the trolling, you know who you are.

 

to her those things that you said/say to me, could be devastating to one's self image, and ohhh sooooo counter productive.

 

i don't know why, nor do i care why, nor do i want to know why, you find the pleasure in torturing yourself endlessly to put me down, knock me out, kill my esteem, or try to anyway.

 

and autumn, if you think she kicks ass, just wait to get to know and see what she is all bout, you will change your tune sooner or later, especially if you come here with some "dumb" perceieved problem, you will get bashed by her, i guarantee it.

 

so if you think she is so cool, then more power to you, but you'll soon see how vicious and malicious she can be, and how shallow and ignorant she is too.

 

i've had my say here. anyone else wanting to bash me somemore then go for it..

[autumnlover]

Originally posted by zingy again

 

and autumn, if you think she kicks ass, just wait to get to know and see what she is all bout, you will change your tune sooner or later, especially if you come here with some "dumb" perceieved problem, you will get bashed by her, i guarantee it.

 

so if you think she is so cool, then more power to you, but you'll soon see how vicious and malicious she can be, and how shallow and ignorant she is too.

 

i've had my say here. anyone else wanting to bash me somemore then go for it..

 

 

Dear Zingy,

 

I wanted to first of all say that i came here in need of help. I got help. I give everyone credit for sharing their most private issues here. I give you credit too. You could have held it inside but you took the first step in coming here and trying to get help. I should not have given that statement in the middle of a thread and that is my mistake. It had nothing to do with your problem. I am sorry for that. I saw that Cindy gave good advice and i liked her way of thinking. I am sorry that you have that idea about her. But in all fairness to me, i dont know her but i like her advice. If you think that you need to "warn" me about her...thank you but i choose to make my own opinions about people. I really hope that things work out for you and i hope that you find whatever it is you are looking for. I am open to listening if you need to discuss something that is going on in your life. You can PM me and talk to me there or you can ask for my e-mail address and write me there. Again, I really hope you find what you are looking for and i wish you nothing but the best in life.

Take Care,

Autum

[cindy0039]

Originally posted by zingy again

if anybody had taken the time to really read my post, they would of seen that i did not come here to complain, rant, rave, bitch or anything. i came and made a statement and that was all. it did not warrant 35 replies or any really, i just had wanted to make a statement.

 

Oh my goodness, I honestly don't know where to start here with this long post. But Zingy, first of all, please hear me out and don't get defensive. We all have opinions, whether they are the same as yours or not. When you come to a "forum," which this is, and start a thread with a post, you have to expect there to be responses. That's the nature of a forum.

 

as for my original heading, it says "today i woke up" or something like that.

 

i had implied that consciously i had woke up.

 

that means that most people live in a daydream type of world, they think about the future, the past, and everything but the very present moment.

 

to be awake in the sense that i meant it, is to be in the present, in the here and in the now!!

 

not awake from my sleep induced sleep, but awake in my mind, in my real of unconsciousness.

 

The above is not a totally direct quote, because I took out the sarcastic and personal attack stuff that I didn't feel it was necessary to respond to.

 

Zingy, after reading your current post, I think I DO understand what you were trying to say and I commend you for coming back to clarify it for us. And I think it's great if you're recognizing things that maybe you didn't use to see.

 

moimeme..

 

i appreciate so much about what you said about people with mental disturbances. i have a niece who is totally bi-polar and knows it.

 

she faithfully takes her meds daily, and to those ignorant who don't understand her or what she goes through on a daily basis, are similar to those here.

 

she cannot help herself alot of times, with her feelings, thought, emotions, etc...so should she of ever come here with similar problems that she is unable to solve because of her medical condition and be chastised to the point that i have been from "bemuddled" or is it jag or laurynn?

 

I'm a little confused about this statement. Are you comparing yourself to your niece, in that you have emotional problems, and you think nobody here cares? Are YOU seeing a doctor? Are YOU taking medication, getting therapy?

 

I don't think anyone said that we don't understand what people with mental disorders go through. I will speak for myself (and I'm CINDY) and say that I most definitely DO know what such people go through, firsthand. I know that there are times when you can't totally control your thoughts and the way you are and that you're not always going to be exactly like most "normal" people. But you have to find ways to cope with that, to adjust, to learn all you can about your condition, and then to teach the other people around you about your condition so they can help you when you need it and ask for it. But most importantly, you have to do all that you can to help yourself, with the input of your doctor and therapist.

 

who ever you are, using the name game, and doing the trolling, you know who you are.

 

to her those things that you said/say to me, could be devastating to one's self image, and ohhh sooooo counter productive.

 

i don't know why, nor do i care why, nor do i want to know why, you find the pleasure in torturing yourself endlessly to put me down, knock me out, kill my esteem, or try to anyway.

 

and autumn, if you think she kicks ass, just wait to get to know and see what she is all bout, you will change your tune sooner or later, especially if you come here with some "dumb" perceieved problem, you will get bashed by her, i guarantee it.

 

so if you think she is so cool, then more power to you, but you'll soon see how vicious and malicious she can be, and how shallow and ignorant she is too.

 

Zingy, I can honestly say that I don't know what you're talking about here. You've talked about several different people and then kind of lumped us all together saying "she."

 

Autumn was referring to me, (Cindy) when she said she liked my posts. Yet you're referring to someone else (befuddled1), I think. Never have I done the things you're referring to. Look back over past posts -- go waaay back -- and you'll see that I have tried to help you and give my advice many times. Several times in the past you have thanked me for understanding and for trying to help. I don't understand why you're now taking the stance that I'm the bad guy (girl) here. And no, I'm not the same person as befuddled1 or JAG2 or Lauryn or anyone else. I'm Cindy and I've always been Cindy.

 

Really, nobody's out to get you here Zingy. Like I said, tell us what you want from us.

[jenny]

on befuddled's diplomatic behalf - at what point does this become another form of ennabling? i have no problem with armchair pathologizing, but i do feel some sympathy for befuddled's "real life" concerns: neurosis, to me, is less of a problem than starvation/rape/divorce/etc. i don't understand how they are equal, but am willing to learn.

 

i feel really badly about your situation, zingy. i wish we could talk about it as friends: logically, meaningfully, equally, and straightforwardly. i love the things you have to say about the time framing of consciousness; i think you've got a hell of a mind when it is not focused inward.

 

but this expectation is perhaps part of my ignorance about your condition? i am surprised that you don't mind being categorized as chemically/mentally unbalanced. i expect a lot of the posts will be couched very softly from now on.

 

cheers, j

[moimeme]

neurosis, to me, is less of a problem than starvation/rape/divorce/etc.

 

The most serious effects of rape/divorce/etc (though not starvation, obviously) tend to be the mental distress they cause. Often this distress translates to neurosis, even psychosis.

 

Ask people who have been abused physically and psychologically; almost every one will say the physical pain was never as great nor as damaging long-term as the psychological pain.

[zingy again]

i will try this again without going back to re-read everything.

autumn: i do apologize, i thought your post was to bemuddled1.

my mistake.

 

cindy: i apologize to you too if i had you lumped in the "she" catagory.

that was went for jag, laurynn, befuddled, or who ever she is these days.

 

moimeme: thank you for the classifying of the neurosis, that is so cool that you are such an advocate for people that need help like that, i respect that in you.

 

jenny: i do/can admit that i have a problem. i have not been diagnosed by a psychatrist, but i do see a behaviour therapist, who has helped me such a great deal, and has been working with me on the ideas of living in the now, and that alot of what i think of with my boyfriend is from my past.

 

so she is saying that when i have a problem with him, that most likely i am living in the past, past hurts, past emotional problems, family problems, etc.

 

alot of what i went through in my life, is based on my reactions to my current boyfriend and probably to many others along the way.

 

i so much agree with what was said about physical abuse being more tolerated then emotional/psychological abuse.

 

i have told my boyfriend many a times in the past when he had been so hurtful and mean, and said some awfully vicious things, that i would rather be beaten by him physically then hurt by him emotionally or verbally.

 

i told him scars and wounds of the body hurt and they heal, wounds of the heart are of a different matter, and can take so much away from someone when they are constantly being stabbed at, eh hem, befuddled.

 

so if it was his intention to hurt me viciously like he has, then he has accomplished his goal.

 

him and bebuddled could be the same person as my boyfriend. they have both said some very unproductive and very hurtful things with no regrets, so i have no respect for either.

 

except my boyfriend is starting anger/stress management counseling on the 27th, and between his and my counseling i think we are going to finally get somewhere.

 

who knows down the road if together or not., hopefully so.

since i know that alot of what i have done in the past has been based on my own past fears, phobias, insecurities, etc...

 

just knowing that has made it possible for me to be able to think before acting. i have to realize that when i want to react out of jealousy or what ever, that i have to go in first, (being present) and find out where it is coming from, then choose to RE-act from that ego person of long ago, or choose to live in the NOW. and move forward.

 

that is what i was trying to say when i first came here with the i woke up post.

then it got so blown out of proportion that i didn't even want to come back to try to straigten it out.,

 

but after some thought and some words that came to mind, i decided i needed and wanted to straighten it out.

 

i have been coming here a long time, and i like most people on this board, though i have worn out my welcome, it is still in a sense a place for me to come to vent.

 

with the couselilng i have not been on here for a while..i guess boredom helped me to come back, lol.

 

cindy i know you've tried to help me alot, and i do appreciate it all!

[befuddled1]

zingy,

your overall, consistent complaint, and root of all your problems over the past 5 years has been your fiance. time and time and time and time and time again, you have not one positive thing to say about him. you say he's mean and vicious and is moody and he expects so much of you (to work, to help him, to help with the upkeep of the home you both share, etc)....and you've said it again...and you've just written that you "have no respect for him."

 

So then why the hell do you continue to stay in a situation with someone who's so rotten, who you don't respect?

 

Most battered women (physical, emotional, mental, verbal) stay bad relationships because they are so beat down that they don't even realize they're being mistreated and abused. But here you are, 5 yrs later, and you still accuse your boyfriend of being so atrocious to you. People have begged and pleaded with you, 4943 times over the past 4 years, to leave him....if he's really so bad and all of the things you say he is. But you continue to stay with him, yet continue to complain about him. WHY? That is what I don't get.

 

This is why I have no sympathy for you. Because you don't take any real concrete steps to remove yourself from a situation you paint as miserable.

 

I remember one of your very first posts on here, over 4 yrs ago.....when you went on and on and on about how rotten your fiance was........how he was moody and wasn't supportive of you, and how he expected you to be as sociable as he was, and how he'd get frustrated with you, and whatever the hell else.....and myself and others wrote you volumes on how to get out.........provided you with links to Battered Women's Shelters from all over the U.S., and encouraged you to get help..........seeing how you painted such an emotionally and verbally abusive picture.

 

But here you are, after all this time, still b*tching about your fiance.......and blaming him for all of your problems.......when you could have simply packed up and left. But oh no, I really am convinced that you thrive on living in your idea of chaos and turmoil..........

 

I have talked with hundreds of abused women over the years, and was one myself.........so this isn't a topic I have no firsthand knowledge of. You don't have small children that are keeping you there. You don't have a man who threatens to kill you if you leave. Hell, you've got a guy who treats you pretty dang well.......he puts a nice roof over your head, works his duff off, tolerates the fact that you don't work very much and have a million excuses as to why you cancel work/jobs, he puts up with the fact that you told him long ago (I recall you posting this) that you don't "cook and clean" because you did that years ago when you had kids, but now that they are grown, it's basically beyond you.

 

There is nothing stopping you from leaving a man you say is so horrible to you. Millions of women leave rotten men each and every day, often with children in tow..often in the dead of night....often with nothing but the shirt on their back.......

 

You expect your guy to be perfect and when he's not, you rag on him here, painting a picture of this horrid monster who is hell on wheels. SO LEAVE HIM THEN!!!!

 

That's why I get tired of your posts, as do others.......because you bitch and bitch but nobody is forcing you to stay with someone you say is so evil.

 

A lot of people here don't know the history here......remember the time he was all excited about going to some sporting event or concert, and you didn't want to go.....so instead of telling him, you SPILLED MILK all over these expensive tickets...and blamed it ON THE CAT..in order to avoid going.

 

What about when the poor guy offered to go with you to California, to visit your sister...because she'd invited you for her birthday, and you didn't want to go......and he wanted to go and visit his brother, too.....but you didn't want to go, so he decided he'd still go, I mean, to visit his relative fercrissakes.........and you came here all jealous and having a hissy fit, all bent out of shape because he STILL WANTED TO GO, without you. Like that was his fault? You made him out to be this truly AWFUL human being, who dared to want to go visit his brother, by himself, BECAUSE YOU DIDN"T WANT TO GO.

 

It's very easy to paint someone as the a**h***, in an attempt to hopefully get everyone reading to feel sorry for you, how hard done by you are, how horrible your fiance is.......but of course we only ever hear your side of the story.

 

I dont' have any sympathy for you at all. My sympathy ended 3 years ago. You love the drama.

[cindy0039]

Zingy - what exactly IS your "condition"? I mean, what is it called? Is it not treatable by a psychiatrist? Just curious.

[zingy again]

the diagnosis from the behavior therapist, after several tests that she gave me is that i have avoidant personality disorder, and border line post tramatic stress disorder, due to the photo sensitive convulsive disorder that i have, and some mild depression (dysthymic disorder) and anxiety/agoraphobia problems that i have had basically all my life.

 

avoidant personality disorder is the bigee because that is what has ruled my whole life as far back as i can remember:

 

a pervasive patterne since early adult hood of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and hypersensitivity to negative evaluation as indicated by the following:

 

1)avoiding occupational activities that involve interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism and rejection. 2) being inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy, 3) viewing oneself as socially inept and personally unapealing and 4) being unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in new activities because one may become embarrassed.

 

long term goals:

 

1. interact without excessive fear or anxiety.

 

short term goals:

 

1. idenify negative patterns of self-talk that foster social inhibition and avoidant behaviour. (that is what i am doing with the ego thingy and living in the now/present).

 

2. develop more useful, positive self-talk that will help overcome feelings of inadequacy and consequently increase assertive behaviour.

 

3. identify ways i am like other people and therefore acceptable to others.

4. increase feelings of statements of self-acceptance.

5. commit self to not allowing feelings of fear to take control of life and lead to a consistent avoidance and escape from normal responsibilities and activities.

 

whew!

okay so that is all of what i am working on now!!

these past couple months i have learned ohhh soooo much about myself that it is amazing and cool too and fun even!

 

when i posted my last post about waking up, i did not come here with any problem at that time, remember???

 

i think that alot of what happened in the past with my boyfriend has to do with the way that i was.

 

i am learning each day to do things and think things better.

for instance this a.m. he made a remark about some jealousy issue long ago, just flippant that he was being, but it hurt me deeply that he would bring up some old past behaviour that he knows i am working on.

 

so i told him he needed to apologize for that remark, and walked away. i knew he wouldn't, he was still laughing about it in the kitchen when i walked into the exercise room and promptly did 30 minutes on the cross trainer..

 

how's that for dealing with his crap!? lolololol

 

anyway i have a long way to go, but i am ever so slowly getting there.

things that i have said negative about him in the past, were probably more from his frustration towards me and the way that i am/was.

 

he is learning things as i am learning things as well. i know he does not have to support me, and i know i don't want him to either.

 

if i had to leave him in order to gain back my own independence then so be it.

if i can do it with him and it helps us both then more power to us, right?

 

alot of the things that he has been angry and frustrated with me about in the past, were valid, and i can admit that now, where as before i was blaming him for everything.

 

i know different now. i know that he needs me to help him and to be a team with him. when we work as a team then he is happy and i am understanding and learning how to work as a team and what it actually means.

 

so i think that with my "mental" issues if you want to call them that, that is okay cause i don't know what else they would/could be called then that is okay with me.

 

i think mental being of the mind, and so many of my hang up are of the mind that that is a proper term.

 

do youknow that even telling you ( a total stranger, sorta) that this is productive for me as well.

 

i know this is long, again, sorry, but i felt the need to lay it all out so you can see what i am talking about and doing.

 

it would be nice to get some recognition that people can change...some people think that others can't change, and even though alot of the work that i am doing on myself is internal and not so noticeable on the outside, it is what i accomplish on the inside that makes a difference to me.

 

i have even put my foot down with my daughter and am staying out of her business more so now, and if she needs me she knows that she can call me and i will always be there for her.

 

my boyfriend did notice that and maaan was heeee relieved!!

anyway gotta go get some allergy meds, my eyes are driving me nutso!

thanks for listening...again...lol

[moimeme]

Zowie, Zingy! You got a boatload of stuff to deal with. Personality disorders can be really tough to repair and it's great that you even accepted the diagnosis for starters. Lots of people with personality disorders won't. Add to that some PTSD and I'm not surprised that you haven't suddenly been cured miraculously!

 

I think that in this 'quick-fix, Dr. Phil' world, a lot of people now believe that deep-seated problems can be repaired in a flash. A couple of well-placed 'wise up's and hey, presto, all your issues vanish.

 

No such thing, as your case demonstrates. People aren't seeming to understand that some people need years of therapy before they can function well and that, like dieting or any other sort of self-improvement, there'll be backsliding.

 

I thought your 'I woke up' post was great, truth to tell. I was only going to remark that I have certainly had those sorts of moments of clarity, but they don't last. It would be SO great if we could hold on to those moments of 'higher consciousness' as you called it but they slip away.

 

Here's a passage from my all-time favourite piece of literature which captures the transitory nature of those moments of clarity:

 

But for a single moment he had felt that other, so intensely desirable condition; for a moment he had inwardly shaken his head over all these painful considerations and had known better. He had known, for just a second, this: My thoughts about the yellow-haired girl are stupid and unworthy. She is as subject to fate as I am. God loves her as he loves me.

 

Whence had this sweet voice come? Where could he find it again, how coax it to return? On what branch was this rare, shy bird perched? This voice spoke the truth and the truth was a blessing, was healing and refuge. This voice arose when he was at one with destiny in his own heart and when he loved himself; it was God's voice or else it was the voice of his truest, innermost self, beyond all lies, apologies, and farces.

 

Why could he not hear this voice all the time? Why did truth always fly past him like a phantom that is only half glimpsed as it scurries by, and vanishes when you look straight at it? Why did he repeatedly see this gateway to happiiness standing open, and why did it swing shut in his face whenever he wanted to enter?

 

Hermann Hesse, "Klein and Wagner", Klingsor's Last Summer

[cindy0039]

That's great Zingy. I'm glad you're doing better. It's always good to hear something positive.

[Patty]

Good for you Zingy!

 

Patty

[zingy again]

thanks so much cindy and patty!!

 

moimeme:

 

"Personality disorders can be really tough to repair". and that is exactly what the behaviour therapist said as well.

 

she also was kind of surprised that i accepted it all so calmly. i did so because it all made such sense, it was all so logical, and it was something that i could see and something i could validate and work on, and it felt positive too.

 

i still have problems no doubt there, no denying that this is all a struggle, some times i dont know if i want to contine the struggle, i want to just give in to old ways and i do battle with myself internally.

 

i don't always win the way i want to, sometimes that inner critic gets the best of me, and makes me feel like crap, like i'm a failure, like i've accomplished nothing.

 

i know in my heart i love my boyfriend but still times in my mind i just don't know that he is right for me.

 

sure i've put him through hell, he has put me through hell, but none was intentional or done so with miliciousness, not intentionally anyway.

 

but done so out of fear, desperation, not knowing any different behaviours to do so you do the ole familliar.

 

you know today, he had this little snotty sarcastic going, and this a.m. we both in such a good mood.

 

then i went with him to do some errands and he got his attitude going, or so i thought.

 

one time i had mentioned it to him, that the tone of his voice is sarcastic, and i do't like it.

 

he said he did not realize that or intend it to be. but still it persists. i have come to the conclusion that it is part of his personality...but one part i would love to slap the sxit out of him...

 

so there i was in the car with him today, while he was making phone calls and talking the same way to others with that tone i hate so much.

 

thinking to myself, how much i hate feeling this way, and once again thinking of the leaving scenario.

 

this time though i thought about living in the now, and dealing with that pain of leaving, which at times keeps me here.

 

other times knowing that i love him in my heart keeps me here.

but today i tried to embrace that pain, while he was sitting there gabbing on the phone to clients.

 

i could only do it for a few seconds then i had to drop it. i know i love him in my heart and he has been so wonderful to my kids and grand kids, and myself as well.

 

but does all that he has done keep me obligated to staying with him when i feel so angry towards him at times.

 

i am sure he feels the same way many a time too, and i try to keep that in mind too.

 

i know neither of us is perfect and why should i hurt him and leave him because he is not perfect when i am just as guilty.

 

anyway:

this statement from this book is totally so cool! i could so easily relate to that voice he is talking about, as can you i take it.

 

i wish i could just live in that voice, then life would seem so different so wonderful, so peace ful...

 

ahhh yes....consciousness is such a wonderful thing...too bad it can disappear as fast as it come...

 

i am working on it though to keep it more present. i did read that you cannot make it come, it may seem that you make it come, but you don't, it comes when it is ready and you can not force it to come.

 

i guess i am ready then cause i have been experiencing a lot of it!!

 

another example of this with his snotty sarcastic tones is that we live in colorado and i am from minnesota and this weekend the vikings are going to whoop some bronco ass!!

 

anyway we had the chance today to get two tickets for the game in minnesota...and this a.m. we had talked about how fun it would be to just up and go!

 

then all this other crap up in my head about how i was thinking he was sounding..so when the call came through, i was so self-absorbed and only thinking how bad i wanted to get home and away from the tension that was welling up inside of me.

 

so if the mood had been different we would now be going to the game, and i could see my sisters for a night or two and the family. ( my family loves him)!.

 

anyway we decided not to go....sigh...

 

thanks again..sorry so long! i am going to go look for this book!

[moimeme]

he said he did not realize that or intend it to be. but still it persists. i have come to the conclusion that it is part of his personality...but one part i would love to slap the sxit out of him...

 

so there i was in the car with him today, while he was making phone calls and talking the same way to others with that tone i hate so much.

 

Did you know that some disorders can actually affect the way the sufferer interprets tone of voice and facial expressions? I have known people with disorders and people in relationships with people with disorders and it is *very* common for the person with the disorder to accuse the other of having a facial expression or voice tone that the other person honestly is not using. Amazing how these brains of ours work - or don't!