Suffering inside please help

[freedom]

I need some serious help and have needed it for years!! Please someone respond to me with honest (painfully honest) advice.

 

I have been divorced for 3 years, I have been seriously involved with another man J/B for most of that time. Well, J/B and I have been back and forth in our relationship I think a total of 3 times. He used drugs when we first met, he was a wild flirt and sleeping with a married woman and anyone eles he found attractive. Ok well... he has come along way since then and I have been with him through it all, he is clean and searching for his spirit. I have a 5 year old daughter who has a wonderful father ( my ex husband) and her life could be very good if I would just get my ---- together. I have left J/B several times due to the fact that he has anger issues and has no interest in my daughter and also because I dont feel safe with him. I have strong feelings for him and I desire him very very much. I am very attracted to him and we have a good realationship one on one, but not as a family. He has no interest in kids mine or anyone else's.

 

When I have left I have asked him to please leave me alone and let me get over him because I know he is not right for me and my daughter. He does not leave me alone. He invites me into his life and begs me to come back every single time I have left. He could have any girl he wanted - trust me but he holds on to me so tightly. It makes me feel as though my feelings are discounted when I have expressed to him the suffering I go through with this and that I am really trying to move on - He has told me several times - he will never ever let go of me, he will keep on until he gets me back. I am weak to him, I long for the "feeling" I get from him and I start to think second thoughts and then give in and go back just to end up feeling afraid and distant from my child and uneasy with him.

 

3 weeks ago I left him and sat him down before I left and looked him in the eyes and told him to respect my decision to leave this time and let me get over him PLEASE respect me and let me feel the pain so I can move on. He said he would but now he says he will never let me go - and that I am his soul mate and he will not stop trying. He calls me all the time and emails me to let me know that he loves me and that no matter what I do he will never let me go.

 

I am living with my ex-husband and trying to get my life back with my family/trying to work things out with my ex husband. I know it is not going to happen quickly and I still have to get over J/B before I can honestly give my realtionship with my ex husband a second chance. But my problem is that I am having second thoughts about JB again and I miss his company but yet I have such a wonderful opportunity to make things right with my ex husband who loves me very much and is very good and stable and loving to me. I just dont know if I can let go of JB and try to feel the love again for my ex husband. Frankly I am sick and tired of going back and forth. I am trying to think with my head and not my heart this time and do what I know is right for me and my daughter. I live in such pain and suffering over this every minute of the day. All I want is to be free!!! Free from the agony inside of my heart. I want to make a decision and stick to it but I keep having second thoughts and it controls my life and I HATE IT. I want to be free from this.

 

There is so much more to this but it would take up too much time to do into more detail. If anyone can give me some advice I would be very grateful.

[ArdeaCandidissima]

Well, let's see. On one hand...

he has anger issues and has no interest in my daughter and also because I dont feel safe with him

 

On the other hand...

I desire him very very much

.

 

And further...

no matter what I do he will never let me go

 

Freedom, the answer is so simple, if painful. You are letting this creep control your mind...letting him say whether you can be free. He uses everyone else, and you're just one more in a long line. Other women stood up and told J/B to get lost - you can too.

 

I'll speak on your daughter's behalf - don't ever let this creep near her again. She deserves better...as do you.

 

I have such a wonderful opportunity to make things right with my ex husband who loves me very much and is very good and stable and loving to me

 

As far as your ex husband goes, he'll never be as thrilling as rotten ole J/B. But you can be very happy with him, after much mature effort on the part of both of you.

 

Please, visit a counsellor or a battered/dependent women's center so the kind folks there can help you see the truth about J/B, which has been staring you in the face.

[moimeme]

Think of it as an addiction. Treat it the way addicts do; one day at a time.

[freedom]

I know my beautiful and innocent daughter is the most important thing, I look at her and ask myself " how can I even for one second, think about going back to JB when I know he has no interest in her?" It is a uncontrollable desire that has got a hold of my life and every part of my being. I will try to push thoughts of him out of my mind with all of my might - I am going to change my cell number today and the sad thing about that is that I know it is going to hurt is feelings when he calls the number and I feel guilty about it. I am sick in my head over this and I HATE IT.

[midori]

Part of your problem may be that you simply cannot wrap your head around the notion that JB could continue to worm his way back into your life w/o ever intending to value the things that you care for -- most of all, your daughter. I know I find it hard to grasp that some people see things in radically different ways than my view, and many times I have misattributed feelings and motivations to other people because they made very good sense to me -- but I was wrong. Think about it: OBVIOUSLY your daughter is a huge part of your life. That's a no-brainer, right? So it would be very logical for you to assume on some unconscious level that JB knows that too, and while he isn't currently openly acknowledging it, the fact that he keeps trying to be in your life means that on some level he does accept it, and will someday more actively participate in your life with her.

 

After all, he has come a long way since he met you. Right? He's cleaned up, "searching for his spirit" -- and when he finds it then surely he'll become a better person, the kind of person who would be right for you and your daughter. Is it possible that you've been thinking along those lines? I would. Seems pretty basic: he wants to become a better person, he's been making progress and although he's not there yet, he surely will get there at some point. And why would he keep coming around if he was utterly indifferent to your daughter -- it's not like she's going to disappear.

 

But as hard as it may be to believe, that might not at all describe the trajectory he's on. He's saying things that sound like he ultimately wants the things that you want; but how much of that is your interpretation, or even wishful thinking? And even if he is sincere in saying that he wants to find his spirit or whatever, and become a better person, that doesn't mean he'll actually accomplish that.

 

Banking on someone who MIGHT someday become a person who would be acceptable to have in your life is a foolish risk. As you know. What might help you pull out of the rut you've been stuck in is to recognize that you are pulled to him by the promise of what he might become. Might become, not will become. And he certainly isn't what you need now. You wouldn't go into business with someone who might someday have enough money to pay for his half of the investment -- you'd find a partner who was prepared to go in with you now, as an equal partner.

 

Another thing to bear in mind: while you might be interpreting his repeated attempts to get you back as evidence that he really wants to change and become the person you believe he's capable of being, he may well be interpreting your repeated returns to him as evidence that he doesn't really need to change at all. You keep choosing to be with him. You get fed up and tell him to stay away, there's lots of drama ... but in time you take him back. So you're implicitly endorsing the person that he currently is. You've taught him that "I'm leaving, and want nothing more to do with you" means "You've messed up again but eventually I'll be back."

 

Changing your cellphone number is an excellent idea. Don't trust JB to leave you alone. He won't -- why should he? He's a selfish guy who's only interested in getting what he wants. You've been giving in to him for a while, so it's going to take some time for it to sink in that this time it's for real. If he has really changed -- and I promise you it won't happen within the space of a week, a month or even a year -- he will recognize that he was a bad presence in your life, an unhealthy, toxic presence that you're better off without. He won't badger you to take him back. If he has really changed he won't ask for anything of you.

 

Don't mistake sullen silence for change. Don't think that if he has moved on with a new woman that he must have changed for the better. In fact, don't look for change or lack thereof in him at all. He's not capable of being there for you, and he won't be for such a long time that you can't consider him a viable option. You're looking for love in the present, not the future, and he is definitely not a candidate right now.

[freedom]

Midori

 

You have a very good head on your shoulders. Thanks to all who have replyed to me. I am so grateful for your input. I never thought I would put my personal life "out there" like this but I am glad I did. He left me a message this morning, he wants me so badly and I hear this in his voice, in the meantime I have my ex husband who wants me just as much if not more and I am not able go give to him what he needs and deserves to have. What I would really like to do is just be alone for a while to get my head together but I am not working right now - been looking and have not had any luck. I dont want to put my daughter through another separation between me and her father, she has been through so much already it would devestate her again and I CANT DO THAT TO HER.

 

I feel better knowing I can talk this out with other people that can see things on the same level as me . THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

[amerikajin]

You made the choice to get back with your husband, so that's your best bet in my opinion. You've gotta think about your daughter here, but I know you know that.

 

This JB guy should be history. If he can't accept your children, then he can't have you.

[freedom]

I have spoken to JB several times, he is hurting which in turn makes me hurt badly. He said to me yesterday that he would respect my wishes. I am releived in a way and my heart aches in a way too. I have never know passion like I have with him before, not just sexual passion. This trying think with my head and not my heart stuff is reallly hard. I know what is best for my daughter, she is my driving force.

 

Thanks - Freedom

[midori]

Glad to be of help!

 

I think you're on the right track. But don't just make this about something you do for your daughter's sake. She's important, but that's not what the real problem is. The real problem is that JB is not right for YOU. He cares about you in certain contexts, he needs you for his reasons, but he's not capable of fully engaging with you. He sounds like a guy with a lot of serious problems.

 

I have an ex who I still love to this day. Like you and JB, we shared what was for me unprecedented passion that I haven't found since. But he is one messed up guy. I'd be willing to be with him despite his troubles, but he isn't capable of fully engaging with me. Maybe that's because of his problems, but whatever the reason, being with him would require accepting someone who was only willing to give me a portion of himself, someone who wasn't willing to fully integrate me into his life, and to integrate himself into mine. I don't have a daughter -- but it's the same problem. My ex, and JB, aren't able to take other people's needs and wishes into consideration. They're all about themselves. Your daughter just makes the problem starker and more immediate; but again, her existence is not the reason why things won't work out with JB. He is the reason things won't work out with him. If you were childless things with JB would still be very rocky.

 

When you're talking about an affair, passion is great. When you're talking about lasting love, you need someone capable of loving truly and deeply. Someone who is capable of caring. That's not JB. That might be your ex-husband; you'll have to see. And who knows, maybe you'll find a way to inject passion into a loving relationship so that you'll have the best of both worlds. That's what I'm hoping to do. But surely it would be easier to inspire passion in your ex-husband than it would be to inspire compassion in JB.

[freedom]

Midori

 

you are right about him needing me in certain contexts. To hear him say to me the words " I AM MADLY IN LOVE WITH YOU, I HAVE NEVER FELT THIS WAY FOR ANYONE ELSE, YOU ARE MY SOUL MATE AND YOU ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE" Just makes me long for him, for the passion he has for me. But it is as though he feels these feelings from all of the things I give to him (from within) and fill up his tanks and he keeps wanting and needing more filling up from me and I truly don't want to stop giving him whatever it is he gets from me. I miss him and my heart hurts all day long but I know that the truth is that no matter what he tells me.... he is only needing what he gets from me and the fact that I have never really gotton anything to make my soul happy from him as his mate, that I always felt as if I was being sucked dry of my own being with all of his needs, I should keep that in the front of my mind and not let my heart ache for him and what it is that I do miss about him. His voice, his intensity, his wit, his good days, his playfulness, the way it felt to be physically intertwined with him and just the plain passion we have together. I miss it very much. I wonder how people can be so blinded from their own needs from another persons presence. I dont like that about myself. Do you think it is possible to find this passion with another or is this a once in a lifetime experience> I want to have it with my ex husband, everything about him is just so great except my feelings for JB and my longing for JB. I dont like being this way - I and everyone else suffers from this. I just want to be free from the pain and suffering inside. I want to be completely the woman that I am with the family that surrounds me. I just cant stop thinking about JB. I mean all day long. Why do I miss him? Why do I have a bit of hope that I will be with him someday? Why do I feel jealous ( like crazy) to think of him giving him self to another woman. I feel like I did not do enough or should have stuck it out longer or something. He really has a hold on me and I AM THE ONE THAT CANT LET GO OF IT. I DONT WANT TO LOSE HIM BUT I DONT UNDERSTAND MY FEELINGS ABOUT IT. I feel like it could possibly be love but I am not sure. What ever it is I want to feel it with my ex husband, I want the passionate ( not just sexual) feelings to have a hold on me with my ex husband (JA), or even better why cant I just not want any passion at all and be content with that. I wonder if that is possbile. I do know people that dont have passion in theri lives that are perfectly happy.

[mixedup1]

Freedom, well, if I did not know better, you could be my wife typing what you have just typed. However, her daughter is now 18 and pregnant. I was a taker, and not much of a giver....I realise this now. I thank you for your posts. I can see where my wife is at in her thinking. I have taken so much from my wife and all she did was keep giving. I will let you know one thing, by giving and giving you are enabling J/b to continue on taking. You have done the right thing. I really believe you can find that passion in your ex husband....but you need to communicate, tell him what your needs and wants are. Let him know what to do to make you feel even better than J/B made you feel. Men need to be told sometimes what to do, what they are doing right and what they could do better. Don't be afraid to be very very precise and have him do the same with you. I think communication, down right dirty hard honest painfully honest communication and commitment to one another is the key in making a marriage work. Work is work, no marriage that survives goes without a lot of work from both spouses.

I have some problems such as J/B and I look back and see what you have experienced in my realationship with my wife and my step daughter. But, I just did not see this in time, communication has always been a little weak amongst my wife and I. Just never really said what we felt to the honest painful point. I am hating it now, I love her with all my heart, planned on spending the rest of my life with her and she got fed up with me not returning the love, and all she would give me. So, I have endured 2.5 months now of her being moved out, seeing a guys who she is happy with, and having that passionate sex often with him and not me. Its pure hell. I do realise what I need to do to make her happy, but she wants to move on with her life until I can get mine in order and until I get to the point where I don't need her anymore. That is so hard for me to understand but I do understand it so much better now that I have read your posts and Midori, your all too together in your thoughts . You made a lot of sense to me too. When I don't need to or don't want to have to ask sally, my wife of 10 years and soul mate for 19 years, when i can go without the longing for her, I think I will be ready for her. Question is, will she still be around and will I still want to try as much as I do now?? I love her more than anything, she is perfect in my mind. I need to get to work on myself...for myself.. all else will fall into place . Thank you for your help and Yes Freedom, I would not go back to J/B as long as you can see what you described in him still in him. He needs to find out how to give back, how to be compasionate, how to give of himself with nothing in return. I am working on it. Its a long haul. Wow, this is kinda making me feel all goose bumpy hehe....good luck people and let the honest choices make us feel good in all respects.

[freedom]

Mixedup1 - Well hello my fellow Utahan (dont know the correct spelling Utah-n?) It is sooooo very nice to meet someone from my home. I am from Layton-originally. I LOVE UTAH! I miss the mountains very very much! I miss everything there. All of my family lives near Layton. I visit my sisters and brother about once a year. I miss living there so much. It is home to me. I am in Texas now, not the place for me but I am unable to move back home. It is so nice to hear from you.

 

I am sorry you suffer with the loss of your wife. It is good to know that you are able to see things for what they are and that you are man enough to admit them. If I can help in anyway I will. If you realize your problem and are willing to change than I think that is a step in the right direction for you. JB has also started to realize that he does suck me dry of my being and wants to change it, he suffers without me. I miss him and I dont want to. Even if I cut off all communication with him I would still miss him and wonder, for how long?? who knows??

 

I have the opportunity to go to school a community college, I am a volunteer with the elderly, I take my daughter to school and pick her up everyday, I have after school activities planned with her everyday, I have a great life - a normal life ( which I do want) but i am still consumed and unable to focus on the things I enjoy the most because my mind is constantly on JB! It is not something I choose, it is just reality. I would not be able to do anything I enjoy doing (including the time with my daughter) if I was with him - yet I still long for him, I am unable to focus completely on my daily activities because through everything I am doing he is on my mind and it makes me crazy. I am unable to give to (ex) like he deserves because I am longing for another man. It is hell that I want to be free of like nothing eles.

 

I have tried and still am trying to change the way I think. I am blessed with a wonderful man/family and I am trying to place myself here inside my heart. I am trying to make myself believe that this is where I belong and to not look back. I am trying and will continue to do so. I dont want (ex) to suffer another heartbreak from me and I dont want my child to suffer another separation of her parents. I am trying to be strong and change the way I think. I do talk a lot with (ex) about what I need and ask him to tell me what he needs as well, even if I cant give wholeheartedly I want to take the little steps towards that -even if it is not all from my heart right now. I want to be happy and normal. I am so tired of all of this but what goes on within is not something I can control (or is it?) Is there a way to turn off/on what is going on inside? Does anybody have a pill for that yet??

 

Mixedup1 - I am mixedup2... right behind you!

[mixedup1]

hehe....ya I hear ya freedom.... dazed and confused, mixedup, fed up, frustrated, moody, ..........ya, you know em all too... nope, theres no switch you can just shut on or off. I would have found it by now. I was thinking of wiring one on to my body but which wires do I hook to it?

 

Well, freedom, I can understand where your comming from as far as your longing, wanting, thinking, all that. I have my wife on my mind constantly..cant focus on me at all. I feel if I have her back in my life the things I need to focus on will be no problem. It just tears me up inside everytime I get the thought of her with another guy. It makes me go Bah Zerk!! I want to vaporize this guy...but ya know, she says she is happy and I think she means it... ouch.... But, I don't give up. I have no idea who this sleeze is who moved in and took advantage of a vulnerable woman when she was down and I was'nt even there to defend or offend. He talked to her at work for about 5 months prior finding out all about what I was doing wrong so he knew just what to do. Oh that burns me up. If this was a little less respectable forumn, I have some choice words I could use...but does no good. I really want to hurt this guy..but I won't. He's a fool for messing around this long with a married woman, and well, she is too......damnit.

 

As for your situation, what is it that you don't quite get from your husband (ex) that you do get from jb? I tend to think your a little on the wild side??...no problem, so am I. Maybe I am wrong. However, with the feelings you have for JB, I know your (ex) is sensing something not right. I wish I had a cure, but I will tell you this...as far as I have read, studied, etc. When a person involved in an affair stops the affair...they should never ever ever never....have any contact with the former lover. If you are contacting him, speaking, seeing him,,,,,,,your gonna fall back into it again. Its like a drug... if ya wanna get off drugs, dont hang around your buds who are still doing them...I would suggest you move back to good ol' Utah.

If he's around your never gonna get those feelings outta yerself. I am furious my wife wont stop seeing this guy.. but I understand why she is doing it, doesnt make it right but I understand what I did and what she is doing kinda... I think she is totally in need of a shrink but hey.. who isnt"?? hehe.... Ya, sounds like your definately torn between two people. My first sense was you should go with your ex....but how do you know JB is not just pulling a fast one? I would give it some time before you even consider JB. Marriage can work, your daughter is from your ex, I personally think it would be better for her being with her biological father. I think you do too. I am sure JB is a good guy n all but who was there first?? He must love you...your ex, give it a chance. give it your all. if you have JB in the back of your mind,,,....its going to have an effect on the outcome of your ex. Good luck. I know these things are way complex and cant be addressed fully in a forum like this but it is good to speak/type/ read about things. One way of releasing some steam and understanding yourself (myself) sometimes... Take care freedom, you will do the right thing. Don't worry...enjoy life, take a deep breath and let it out and take another one.....feels good huh? hehe... cya round.