zman Posted October 12, 2003 Share Posted October 12, 2003 Here's a debate some friends of mine (both male and female) and I were having: What is the difference between casual dating, being in a relationship, and being in a "serious" relationship? What are the defining characteristics? The amount of time you have been dating, or the number of dates you've been on together? Whether or not you have made it to first, second, or third base, or all the way home? (i.e., what degree of intimacy is there, and have you had sex or not?). Or some other variable? My roommate is currently dating someone and I think they are just casually dating and it's not "serious." But other people think that I'm sex-obsessed or something for thinking that you're not in a "serious" relationship if you haven't had sex with the person yet. (Then there is the whole debate about what is "sex", does oral sex count as sex, etc.) My father said that when he was young, he wouldn't continue to go out with any girl that didn't sleep with him by the third date. But some of my female friends imply that they might not sleep with a guy until 6 months or more into the relationship because that's how long it takes to get to know someone and feel comfortable, but that doesn't mean that the relationship isn't a "serious" one just because they haven't had sex yet. Your comments please. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted October 12, 2003 Share Posted October 12, 2003 to me, the difference is simple: casual is when i know this guy is not somebody i can be with long-term, but i still go out with him to have fun, etc serious is when i think there's a chance that i will spend the rest of my life with this guy -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Author zman Posted October 12, 2003 Author Share Posted October 12, 2003 Yes - That's a very good answer, very elegant. But how is a guy supposed to know which way you are thinking about him? If you are thinking that you might want to spend the rest of your life with a guy, wouldn't you feel comfortable enough to have sex? Wouldn't you at least stop seeing other guys? When do you make the decision on whether you like a guy as a friend or as a potential husband? Right away or only after knowing him for a long time? Link to post Share on other sites
CaterpillarGirl Posted October 12, 2003 Share Posted October 12, 2003 if you are "seeing" more than one person, I have to think that's not really a "serious" relationship. To me, "serious" implies an advanced degree of emotional committment: the person I turn to when I had a bad day, someone whose interests are important to, the person I know will accompany me to a party or whom I'm willing to sit through a football game for. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 the guy can't really know for sure until he's been around the girl for quite a while. i think it shows in lil things - you can see how high or low you are on her priority list from small automatic-level decisions she makes. as for sex... lemme tell you that if a girl waits to have sex with him, that's a sign that she's taking him seriously. if she sleeps with him on the first date - poof, she's just having fun, it's casual, she doesn't care what he's going to think of her. you meet someone and after getting to know them a bit, put them into 'serious' or 'casual' or 'no thanks' box. sometimes the person changes boxes later - because your first taste of them was wrong, because they changed, or because the girl changed. that's my view, other gals may be different! -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Author zman Posted October 13, 2003 Author Share Posted October 13, 2003 So it sounds like what you are saying is that a woman can consider a relationship "serious" even if they haven't been sexual yet. Or even that a relationship might be more serious if they haven't had sex yet than if they had it relatively quickly on the first date or shortly therafter. I guess this shows how clueless I am. I always thought that if a couple were dating "seriously" that was basically a euphamism for being at the point where they were sleeping with each other. I guess it's a little more complicated than that. Wow, this explains a lot. Man, why do relationships have to be so complicated? I wish everyone could just say how they feel without a lot of baggage, emotion, code words, and self esteem attached to everything. I guess I just wish I were better at it. Oh well, thanks for the insight! Link to post Share on other sites
CaterpillarGirl Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 Well, zman, I can't think that I'd ever get to the point where I'd feel comfortable telling people, "Oh yes, we are engaging in sexual intercourse" or "We have an emotional attachment to each other, but choose to refrain from sex, except sometimes oral sex on the weekends." I find I much prefer people to say, "Yes, we are very much in love" or "Our relationship has become serious." Perhaps I am a prude. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zman Posted October 13, 2003 Author Share Posted October 13, 2003 Caterpiller Girl, You're not a prude, I just wish I had the decoder book and/or operator's manual. P.S. I hope that picture of yours isn't a picture of you at your current age! I feel very creepy talking about relationships and sex and looking at this picture of a little girl, thinking that this is who I am talking to and this is who is replying to my posts!! zman Link to post Share on other sites
CaterpillarGirl Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 LOL! No, that's not me now....that's me like 20 years ago...hmm..maybe i need a more age-appropriate avatar so people will take my posts seriously Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 everybody's different. i simply expressed my view. and if you ask me again in a year, i'm sure it'll be different. the problem with just expression how one feels is that too often, one feels so much at once that it's not quite expressable ... i think that it's basically so complicated that it's very simple because there's no analyzing or work to be done. just relax & enjoy the madness! -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Author zman Posted October 13, 2003 Author Share Posted October 13, 2003 Originally posted by CaterpillarGirl LOL! No, that's not me now....that's me like 20 years ago... Thank God! hmm..maybe i need a more age-appropriate avatar so people will take my posts seriously Yes, please! Your inner child is too young to be discussing these topics! And it would make me feel a lot better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zman Posted October 13, 2003 Author Share Posted October 13, 2003 Originally posted by yes ...just relax & enjoy the madness! Yeah, right. Easier said than done. I think I kind of have a screwed up perception of relationships because my parents never expressed real affection for each other in front of my sister and I, and they were often cold with each other. But they are still together today, married and all, doing better I think than when we were growing up, but still not in what I would call a great marriage. My sister seems to have turned out ok though, since she is married with kids and they are doing great. But I'm older than she is and I took the brunt of it all. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 i can relate to the parents thing. my folks are also very unaffectionate ( imean they are, but so much in their own way that it's just ... ) and it took me a few years to separate how they relate from how i'd like to relate to men. i'm sure something's left, subconsciously, but oh well... -yes Link to post Share on other sites
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