TrustInYourself Posted March 27, 2009 Share Posted March 27, 2009 If your spouse has left you follow the advice below. 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls, texts, emails 3. Do not point out good points in marriage 4. Do not follow them around the house 5. Do not encourage talk about the future 6. Do not ask for help from family members 7. Do not ask for reassurances 8. Do not buy gifts 9. Do not schedule dates together 10. Do not spy on spouse 11. Do not say "I Love You" 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21. Never lose your cool 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic 23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger) 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes Link to post Share on other sites
wowWTF Posted March 27, 2009 Share Posted March 27, 2009 Excellent advice. Thanks for posting this. Link to post Share on other sites
Navin_R_Johnson Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 This is a close variation of DivorceBusting.com/Divorce Remedy's basics list. I recognized it from the "hard earned changes" ending. Good stuff. Counterintuitive when you're blindsided, but good. Link to post Share on other sites
skinman Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 I agree with Navin... When you dont see it coming there is not much you can do... if you know there are issues and your still together then yes this just may help..... Link to post Share on other sites
dead-dyke Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 This helps.......... in more ways than you could ever know. The hard part is accepting it, and living it. Once that is under your belt, you'll see the difference. Somebody made this list.... who knows when. But it seems to be a tried and true list. Live it. Breathe it. Do it. Nuff said. Link to post Share on other sites
Justanotherschmuck Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 If your spouse has left you follow the advice below. 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls, texts, emails 3. Do not point out good points in marriage 4. Do not follow them around the house 5. Do not encourage talk about the future 6. Do not ask for help from family members 7. Do not ask for reassurances 8. Do not buy gifts 9. Do not schedule dates together 10. Do not spy on spouse 11. Do not say "I Love You" 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21. Never lose your cool 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic 23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger) 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes Take the bold print one out, and all the rest helps. NOTHING else matters much unless you know the truth. And with the selfishness shown by todays married couples and the flagrant disregard for fidelity that has been documented over and over again, there is every reason to suspect OM or woman. If he or she IS in an affair, you can do the rest of this till the cows come home, and it will all mean NADA. For ANY hope of reconciliation, the affair must end. ANd you a RIGHT to protect YOUR marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
CM2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 I text her this morning to just have small talk as a friend which we were before getting together. But I texted her to see how were things going at home, was I wrong for doing so? Link to post Share on other sites
CM2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 I text her this morning to just have small talk as a friend which we were before getting together. But I texted her to see how were things going at home, was I wrong for doing so? If their is any communication it should be from her right?? Link to post Share on other sites
Biggie25x Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 I agree with the above posts. To me, as tough as it may be, he seems like he is trying to find out who else is out there and he's using you as a "back-up" if things don't go well. Regardless of your ages he made a commitment to you and he has children with you that he needs to take responsibility for. If he won't man up and do what needs to be done you need to take legal action to ensure you and the children are taken care of. Please don't listen to the words he says, make sure you pay attention to his actions as well. To my misery, I listened to what my STBXW said and always wondered when her words didn't fit her actions. Ultimately, actions speak louder than words and his actions scream loud and clear that he's using you and the love you have for him. He needs to know if he continues with this behavior there will be consequences. Let him know he can't sleep with you anymore until he renews his commitment to you. Let him know he can't use your house as a sleep over until he renews his commitment to you. You have made it clear that you want this relationship to work. It's now up to him to prove to you that he wants to be with you. You and your family deserve nothing less. Take a look at doing a 180 in the relationship. TrustinYourself posted this list on doing a 180 and regaining your self-confidence. Try it and see how it goes. If your spouse has left you follow the advice below. 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls, texts, emails 3. Do not point out good points in marriage 4. Do not follow them around the house 5. Do not encourage talk about the future 6. Do not ask for help from family members 7. Do not ask for reassurances 8. Do not buy gifts 9. Do not schedule dates together 10. Do not spy on spouse 11. Do not say "I Love You" 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21. Never lose your cool 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic 23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger) 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes Link to post Share on other sites
sinatra Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 This is basically the same tactic that I've implemented for the most part. I really only respond to her txt's at this time. The only thing is that she still calls me baby and says I love you in her txt's. I do respond in kind with those since I really don't think it help in my situation to not say that to her. There was severe neglect in our marriage on my part and I think if I stopped saying I love you back it would just prove to her that I don't love her. Does anyone disagree with this one? Link to post Share on other sites
Biggie25x Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 I made a mistake quoting this in this thread. Sorry my above response doesn't pertain to this situation. I just learned something new about using the quote button in this forum. Sorry, my bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Sprokkett Posted April 7, 2009 Share Posted April 7, 2009 This is basically the same tactic that I've implemented for the most part. I really only respond to her txt's at this time. The only thing is that she still calls me baby and says I love you in her txt's. I do respond in kind with those since I really don't think it help in my situation to not say that to her. There was severe neglect in our marriage on my part and I think if I stopped saying I love you back it would just prove to her that I don't love her. Does anyone disagree with this one? Sinatra, I believe that you should not say I love you back to her... I do not know your entire situation, however, if you feel uncomfortable or do not believe she is saying it in true meaning, than do not... I think the entire , I love you, dialogue just gets confusing and what really matters is the action on both parties. You do not need to feel or fuel the I love you's in any relationship. It just builds into the relationship and you will feel that a spontaneous , I love you, will mean so much more... Link to post Share on other sites
taurus30 Posted April 15, 2009 Share Posted April 15, 2009 Thank you for posting that. That is an awesome list. It is exactly what I need to be doing. He wants a break from me, and I keep begging to work things out. I don't know why...well because I love him. But he needs to see that I am taking care of myself and that I don't always need him. Link to post Share on other sites
delajoonal Posted April 15, 2009 Share Posted April 15, 2009 oh my gosh! i LOVE IT! THANK YOU for all that good advice... even if NO reconiliation is in play....what great self esteem motivating advice and words:) thanks so much! Link to post Share on other sites
SadMan1 Posted April 15, 2009 Share Posted April 15, 2009 This says 'he'. Does this work if the one leaving is a she? I've basically started doing this because it seems to me the most logical route. If she wants me back, we can work that out later. But I think it's better if I am strong, social, hit the gym and just be cool around her. Thanks for the list though, I am going to read this everyday. Link to post Share on other sites
SadMan1 Posted April 15, 2009 Share Posted April 15, 2009 Damn it. I just violated number 10. and, i sent her a text, but not frequently. i was following up with a conversation we had, and the kids were with me and couldn't ask her something. probably shouldn't have texted though, and definitely which i would not have seen the emails i just saw. gut wrenching. Link to post Share on other sites
Alan430 Posted April 16, 2009 Share Posted April 16, 2009 Good stuff.. Just want to add Work-out work out work out..... Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 16, 2009 Share Posted April 16, 2009 The steps to regaining your confidence if your spouse has either cheated on you and/or walked away, is to learn to value yourself and keep on moving on. Never look back, just move forwards. There's a big, wide world out there with plenty of fish swimming in the ocean. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted April 16, 2009 Share Posted April 16, 2009 I might add a few other emotional boosters to also include the following: 1) Get involved with selfless campaigns for the sake of the community around you. The joy and appreciation shown in the eyes of helpers and the helped can give one a visceral sense of satisfaction in doing for the sake of doing. 2) Throw yourself into your work to shine your star and bolster respect and reward through the accomplishment of your own agency. 3) Break with fears, resentments, and lethargy of the past holding you back from exploring your world to learn and enjoy something new or recapture past passions long abandoned. 4) Learn to love a life worth living! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted April 16, 2009 Share Posted April 16, 2009 I might add a few other emotional boosters to also include the following: 1) Get involved with selfless campaigns for the sake of the community around you. The joy and appreciation shown in the eyes of helpers and the helped can give one a visceral sense of satisfaction in doing for the sake of doing. 2) Throw yourself into your work to shine your star and bolster respect and reward through the accomplishment of your own agency. 3) Break with fears, resentments, and lethargy of the past holding you back from exploring your world to learn and enjoy something new or recapture past passions long abandoned. 4) Learn to love a life worth living! To which I would add: Its been my general obeservatin that 90% of what we worry about never come to fruitation in the horrid and worse form that we imagine? While that which we don't worry about? Is what beams us out of no where right between the eyes! Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted April 16, 2009 Share Posted April 16, 2009 To which I would add: Its been my general obeservatin that 90% of what we worry about never come to fruitation in the horrid and worse form that we imagine? While that which we don't worry about? Is what beams us out of no where right between the eyes![/QUOTE] :lmao: So true! Link to post Share on other sites
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