the ex-wife keeps her foot in the door

[lady d'arbanville]

Hi. I am forty years old, divorced, and i have been going out with my boyfriend for just under a year. We get on really well, in and out of bed, and I love him very much, but I don't think I can cope much longer with the way he behaves over his ex-wife. He divorced ten years ago, and has two children who live with his ex-wife (I have two of my own) and is a really great Dad to them, which I think is wonderful - but he won't let me meet them, and his ex-wife, who has lived with someone else for the past seven years and has two more children by that man, phones him ALL the time, especially when she knows he is with me, to ask his advice on things not concerned with the children, and gets him to go round to her home and do odd-jobs for her.

 

I would never phone him at work, or when he is with the children or out with friends, because I think it would be intrusive - and so does he, if it is anyone else but her. She has even got him taking her other children out with his own, now! She seems to be very scatty and helpless, and he seems to get a buzz from the idea that after all these years she still wants him to sort her life out for her. When she wanted to double her maintenance payments, which are already very high, she made it diffficult for him to see the children, until he agreed to pay. I know he has to keep her sweet because of the children, and I would like to be supportive, but although he complains about her, as soon as I agree that she is a pest, he denies that she is doing anything wrong. Although he told me his previous three relationships have all broken up over the same thing!

 

At the moment we are not speaking because I was expected to admire, without comment, how he had spent an hour on the phone sorting out her computer for her, when she was expecting her IT worker partner home in an hour anyway. At the time, I was ill and my boyfriend hadn't even called to find out how I was. I didn't fly off the handle, but I said that she leaned on him too much, and it was an insult to her own partner that she didn't look to him for support, instead. I am very upset and hurt because, now, just as has happened the two other occasions when I stuck up for him and said she was taking advantage, he is treating me like the nasty outsider who has DARED to criticise HIS woman! To begin with i just felt protective toward him, but this attitude, where he is prepared to throw away his other relationships out of loyalty to her, is beginning to make me jealous, which is not something I have experienced before, and I don't like it.

 

He won't talk about this at all - if I mention it he accuses me of trying to start arguments, when all i want to do is reassure him that I admire the way he manages to deal with a difficult woman and offer to help in any way I can. Problem is that no-one except him is supposed to think she IS a difficult woman. I am beginning to think that he really hasn't moved on from his marriage, and since i have always been a fairly placid, cheerful sort of person. maybe i should get out of this, like his previous partners, before it completely does my head in! the problem is, in every other way, I love him dearly, and it annoys me even more that i would be yet another partner who he loses, while she has made a life for herself. Any ideas on how i can handle this?

[midori]

I think you need to make it clear to him that regardless of how he views the situation, you don't find it to be tolerable. Tell him what you've said here. You understand that he needs to cooperate with his ex, but since he seems to find her burdensome, he needs to set some boundaries with her. It's not your problem, and you're tired of having to be a smiling sounding board who isn't allowed to voice valid criticism of her demands. His negotiations with her have nothing to do with you -- as he has made very clear, since he won't allow you to even meet their children. So you sure as heck don't need to hear about her. If he wants to keep his ex wife & children separate from his relationship with you, it's not fair to impose his gripes about her on you. You're either involved or you're not.

 

To be honest, I agree with you that it sounds like he hasn't done a good job of closing the door on that chapter of his life. It may not be because he still has unresolved feelings for his ex; it could be, as you seemed to suggest, that it's a bit of an ego thing for him. But whatever it is, it isn't good. The fact that other relationships have ended because of his pattern with his ex means that you can't excuse him because it just hasn't dawned on him yet. He clearly knows. So make it clear that you're not going to tolerate being put upon by what should by now be a very cut-and-dry, pragmatic relationship with the mother of his children. If he can't accept that, then do you really want to stick around any longer? It probably won't get any better.

[lady d'arbanville]

thanks - this was a nice calm bit of advice over a situation which is really winding me up! Believe me, I have said all those things to him, not in the heat of the moment, several times before now, but the reaction is always to defend her/his attitude, and even, on a couple of occasions, to suggest that any criticism of her involves criticism of his children. this is really rich as (a) I have never met them and (b) I am always interested to hear about them, and listen to his concerns about them. In fact, the implication is that i am a nasty person because I don;t join the ex-wife's fanclub! I am really tired of this, because I am in general fairly kind, caring and tolerant - but I do see the difference between being 'good' and being taken for a mug. I will miss him very much, because in every other way he is pretty wonderful, but I don;t like the effect this is having on my own personality. It is really knocking my self-esteem, making me jealous, bitter and twisted. I find it specially hurtful that, for example, when he was once telling me how he always had to come to every doctor's appointment with her because she 'couldn't cope', and I told him I had had to go through cancer treatment without the support of my ex, (who was only concerned that he didn;t 'catch' it!) he said, "well, that sort of thing has made you harder - she isn;t like that, so she needs more support". I have had to bring up three children on my own, because my ex was violent, while working and studying toward my Degree, renovated the old house we had to move to in order to 'disappear' from him (he eventually served two prison sentences for this, over five years of persistent attacks) but this doesn;t bring out the protective in my boyfriend - it has apparently made me 'hard', not 'hurt' - whereas she only has to phone up crying about some minor problem which could be easily fixed by her own partner, for my boyfriend to go into full knight-on-white-charger' mode. I think it is time for me to get out, however good we are together in other ways - and it looks as if he has taken that decision for me; today, he turned his phone off when I called, and didn;t reply to the message I left! So - seems as if another one bites the dust.

[midori]

I'm sorry you've had such a let-down although you seem to be pretty level-headed about it. The guy sounds very strange, and perhaps is someone who has commitment issues. It's great to be the knight in shining armour when no one can reasonably expect it of you -- you get full credit that way for every little thing you do. "Wow, isn't Bob great?" Whereas when you're in a situation in which being helpful and supportive is a natural expectation, you don't always get a standing ovation for every little favor.

 

I have an ex boyfriend who was like that: very generous to people who had no reason to expect him to go out of his way for them, but when it came to the homefront he could be remarkably callous. He didn't like feeling obliged to anyone, I think it came from a dysfunctional relationship with a mother who had unhealthy and unreasonable expectations of him. So he'd find ways to rationalize why he needed to be selfish and self-centered. Strangely enough at the very end of our relationship I had the fleeting thought that if I ever developed cancer he would disappear -- he'd have a perfectly "valid" reason, of course -- and I'd be left to struggle alone. I'm sorry that happened with your ex. But that's not how it's supposed to be. One of the most important things in a loving relationship is knowing the other person will be there for you should you need it. No matter how great other things are in the relationship, if that's not there it's just not worth it.

[lady d'arbanville]

thanks - you really are a supportive lot! those are my sentiments - i don;t like the person it is making me feel I am (selfish, spiteful, jealous, etc) - to be honest, he is such a 'good guy' in so many ways, but i never feel I take first priority - I don;t feel cherished, and there isn;t much tenderness there, for me. I would prefer it if someone wasn;t such a good guy but was 100 per cent there for me, to be honest!