she went with a rich man, now she asks...

[Zankon]

My gf and I have been together for about 4 and a half years (college life). However, we were going to different colleges. We lived together for about 3 years 2 months. Last August, she broke up with me to go with this so-called rich man. I cried over her for about 2 weeks and begged her to come back... nothing. i haven't physically seen her since then.

 

I have a considerable emotional strength, thus I was over her within the same month. Now it s been two months only that she moved out. I confess that sometimes I think of her for a minute or less but no pain nothing just simple thoughts.

 

To make the story short, 3 weeks ago, she asked me to provide her with the landlord's phone num to take her name off the apt lease. She hasn't done it yet. I wonder why? Amazingly enough, she called my friend to check upon me. Yesterday, another friend of mine who lives 3 hours flight away from told me she called him to ask him about me. So, my buddy told her he was busy and asked her to call back another time... she never did.

 

I honestly don t want her back, not even as a friend because I felt betrayed for a couple of pennies. am I right or not?

 

But I m asking all the girls out there could you explain to me her doings?

[jalexy]

ah, shes a bitch. what else is there to say? dont ever give this chick a thought again, move on and never accept anything less.

[Tony T]

What many women don't understand is that the greater number of guys with lots of money are controlling baxtards. Ask Nicole Brown Simpson...oh, sorry, she got sliced up and killed by her rich guy. Oh, well, she has learned the "green" isn't always grassier and she's feeling around to see if you would have her back.

 

Hey, forget about her. She's a gold digging leach. Why spend another second thinking about her?

[Zankon]

Well, I m not spending any time trying to know what she thinks because I just don t care. But frankly, I m worried about my new relationship that is building up right now. When my ex-gf contacts my buddies she particularly asks about the girl I m dating right now. So, that's why I m wondering why is she acting like the way she does... if she still has feelings, probably she ll screw up everything I m doing now for whatever reason (i.e. jealousy, she was maaaaaad jealous all the time)

 

I m not playing any games with her because she's 2 hours drive for me with the new bf and I never tried to get in touch with her what-so-ever. And I ve never been to the city where she is. Still, she phone-cruises around my buddies one after the other.

 

How about the apt lease, what's up with that too? What should I do?

 

Feed backs please!!!

[BlockHead]

Maybe she wants to keep you around in case her new relationship doesn't work out. A kind of backup boyfriend.

[MarieW]

I agree. It sounds like she is keeping you on the back burner ( or trying to ) because she feels her new relationship won't work out. Maybe he gives her material things but nothing else and she's probably getting bored now and remembering all the good times with you.

Just carry on as you are, forgetting her. Concentrate on your new relationship. If you take her back now you will only get hurt again because she sounds a real gold digger to me...leaving a long relationship just 'cause some guy flashes his cash at her.

[amerikajin]

It's probably best to cut her out of the picture as far as being a serious girlfriend goes. I agree with everyone else: she's keeping you in her back pocket. She'll probably come back with some miserably whiney-ass excuse and might even try to blame you for the dissolution of your relationship.

 

You have two choices as far as I'm concerned. You can either cut her out of the picture entirely...or, if you're up for it, you could keep her in your back pocket the way she's keeping you in hers. But that's extra maintenance, and I'm not sure you need that with someone you've been with for so long. You might at some point end up confusing good sex for love and get hurt again. Best just to leave her alone.

 

Oh, make sure you remind her that her names on the lease. I'm sure her sugar daddy can help her out with payments. If not, nothing works like coercion from a good lawyer.

[Zankon]

Amerikijan: You are right cuz one of my friend told me that my ex told her she left because she felt I wasn t loving her anymore and I was violent... (my friend was reporting this to me and laughing)

 

Me violent???? what the h...??

 

I m not using her as a back up. I m too busy for that stuff.

 

As far as the lease is concerned, well I m paying the whole rent now (aww). I didn't ask her for her share but all I want is her name off the freakng lease.

 

Should I let a friend remind her or should I do it directly by email? I m pretty sure she didn't forget but got something in mind. How hard is it for her to make a 3mn phone call to the landlord and just disappear?

[BlockHead]

Amerikijan: You are right cuz one of my friend told me that my ex told her she left because she felt I wasn t loving her anymore and I was violent... (my friend was reporting this to me and laughing)

Interesting. She wants you to feel guilty for her because she being completely selfish.

 

Should I let a friend remind her or should I do it directly by email? I m pretty sure she didn't forget but got something in mind. How hard is it for her to make a 3mn phone call to the landlord and just disappear?

If she is willing to call you a violent person, she might call you a stalker if you try to contact her directly.

[amerikajin]

More often than not, the girl you date now is going to judge you based on how you treat her. Sometimes girlfriends hear things from others, and they naturally become inquisitive about it. If you haven't done anything that would be consistent with these allegations then she'll give you the benefit of the doubt, or at least give you a chance to explain yourself. If you have done something that would make her to believe that the allegations are true, well then you're in a pickle. You should rest easy, though, because most women can understand that sometimes exes become bitter and will try to sabotage relationships, or just vent to people to let off some steam and then it sometimes gets swept up by third parties.

 

The short of it is, just be yourself and she'll judge your accordingly.

 

The lease? Her name's on it. You have every right to demand payment. You might want to see if the rental office would be willing to handle it for you, but truthfully, all they care about is receiving the money, and as long as your paying there's little incentive for them to get involved in your dirty work. I ain't no lawyer, but as far as I can tell your fair, righteous and legal options would be: to contact her directly, though I'd be very cautious about that given the situation (make sure you document your every move here); two, to get an attorney to place a little "courtesy call" on your behalf (barristers usually run about $100-200/hour, though, so that's probably a one-time option); three, turn it over to a collection agency and see if they'd be willing to handle it for you (they'll annoy the s*** out of her and even contact her employer). Look at what your legal options are here. Don't do anything stupid.

 

Best of luck, dude.

[Nostalghia]

Have nothing to do with this gold digging idiot! You'll be glad you did!

[Zankon]

Thank you all for taking the time to write your advice. Very well appreciated.

 

My ex and the girl I date now don't know each other cuz they are poles apart. Moreover, I never talk about my ex or discuss her issue but on Loveshack because I never wanted my date to feel she is a rebound because she's absolutely not. We just clicked and everything is wonderful.

 

As far as the rent is concerned, I 'm a new graduate who wants to have a successful carreer and I don't wanna get to the point where I m gonna keep chasing my ex for her share of the rent and even the bills she didn't pay for (a couple hundred). That's why I cut that rope and I ll take the hit; trust me it's not easy but I m paying extra for the peace of mind that's how I see it.

 

The lanlord said that both of us are liable. However, even if I m paying the whole rent by myself, she will still have the right to the apt until her name is off the lease. And that is a civil matter between me and her. I don't blame him; it's business. PS: I cannot move elsewhere for various reasons.

 

Now what bothers me is what if I m enjoying my time with my girl and buddies and for some stupid reason she just pops in? I don't need no arguments or harsh feelings... I cried and suffered enough the first couple of weeks when I knew she was leaving me for another man. She chose to go, so be it.

 

Before, I thought that after the break up she will be a myth I will never hear about and she wouldn t do anything of this sort cuz she was a quite and calm girl AND is living 2 hours away... But after all the cheap blabla she spread around I don't know her anymore. I swear it's like you're talking about two different people (the "before" and "after"). Even her close friend told me: "I can t believe she's doing this to you... but 4 years of love is not easy to erase you know".

 

Note: when my ex knew I was with another girl that I seem to be happy with, she flipped out, cried and yelled... go try to understand something in this!!! It's crazy

[amerikajin]

Hmmmm....this is a potentially tricky situation.

 

Normally, you want to keep your mouth shut about women in your past, but this might be a little different due to the circumstances and problems which could arise. When you feel somewhat comfortable about the direction you're going in with your new girl, you might want to explain the situation to her. Does she know about your ex at all? Does she know that you lived with her? I mean, be careful about how you do it and don't just bring it up over dinner, but it might not be a bad idea at some point just to mention it to her. Preempt the nutty ex if you can. Preferable to do it before a crisis occurs, too. That way, if your new girl asks "Is there a problem" you can respond by saying "No, there's no problem, I just thought you should know." But follow that up quickly by saying that you've had virtually no contact with her and that things between you and your ex are not good. But again, be careful how you do this. You might just want to let the issue come up naturally in a discussion.

 

The other thing you can do is to keep your new girl away from your apartment until your old one's off the lease. How much time to the lease expires?

 

I think the women on this forum probably know best how to deal with this situation. What's your take, ladies?

[Zankon]

Amerikajin>> My new girl knows the summary of my story -> She cheated, broke up she left and my surprise to all this. Then I told her about the phone call and the email (it was a 2 min talk). She said that she really appreciated my honesty and she wouldn t mind us (me and my ex) to stay friends as long as I tell her everything and avoid being with her alone; because she understands that 4 years isn t easy. I told her that I do not care about the ex, don t need her friendship, don t need to see her and don t want to anyways (I was very sincere). So, she smiled and said that I just conforted her so much.

 

Now, if a girl (26) goes with a rich man who promises her financial stability, an easy life, and marriage, why would she try to bug her ex who she claims is cheap, beats her up and mistreated her so bad that she just left. Cuz logically if that was me, I ll be like: ok, this person is a past, I ll write my last 4 years in a history book that I'd burn and that person won t exist for me no more. Hold on a sec, why would we even stay together for 4 years?!?!

 

I can give you more details about what she said during the break up if you need more details

[amerikajin]

Relationships aren't exactly algebraic equations, my friend. They can't be solved logically.

 

The only thing you can do is look at a person's actions and see what they tell you. It took me so long to get to this point, but I think I can honestly say I have a much better understanding of women than I used to. That doesn't mean I get every girl I want, but I've learned not to play their little games. I've learned who's for real and who's a user. I've learned which ones are stable, and which ones are nut jobs. I've learned when to spot tricks and I won't put up with it. It takes a while, but if you're smart, you'll eventually begin to weed through the crowd too. You seem like you've got a good head on your shoulders and props to you for using it.

 

One thing I've noticed is that people who are good at the dating game (men or women) are ones who know how to manipulate. They can spot weaknesses the way a good used car salesman can spot a sucker the moment he sets foot in a parking lot. They know if you're nice, and they'll abuse that every chance if you let them. They'll either get you to do favors for them or they'll cheat on you and convince you that it's your fault. Women like your girlfriend are all about manipulation. She's working her new man and she's trying to work you at the same time. She probably knows her sugar daddy can only give her material goods, so she'll try and use you to give her everything else. She's just trash. Don't try to figure her out. Just consider yourself recovering from a bad disease.

 

Best of luck, dude.

[Zankon]

Well, I m pretty excited today... the landlord told me she sent him a letter telling him she's no longer living on the premises. It took her a while though

[jenny]

o! i'm glad it worked out for you! for the future, a good way to deal with people like her is to do things by registered mail - then there is no way she can try and claim you are contacting her for other reasons.

 

what else was said during the breakup? i didn't understand this:

 

Now, if a girl (26) goes with a rich man who promises her financial stability, an easy life, and marriage, why would she try to bug her ex who she claims is cheap, beats her up and mistreated her so bad that she just left. Cuz logically if that was me, I ll be like: ok, this person is a past, I ll write my last 4 years in a history book that I'd burn and that person won t exist for me no more. Hold on a sec, why would we even stay together for 4 years?!?!

[Zankon]

Jenny>> Thanks for your interest.

 

When I found out that my ex was hooking up with this dude and I let her know, she was surprised. Then she said that she knew that I would figure it out sooner or later and added: "I know you ll be over it because you have a strong personality, I know you". I was shocked to a point I just flipped out... I cried, I wept, I asked "whyyyyy". I spent 10 days with no appetite, no sleep, no this no that. I trully embarrassed myself in front of her and my friends.

 

Then, I asked her to stay like bestfriends. She accepted. Though, she was very confortable at home and around me wearring her panties, thong, etc you name it- (I convinced myself that it s because we were way too intimate in our relationship and I didn t take it as a sign of hope). But when she started spending more nights out with him and sleeping only a couple of days home (this is during the first 10 days), I figured out that I totally needed to move on.

 

At the end of the second week, when I made a mistake and told her on the phone that I met a new girl she flipped, cried and hung up. I called her back and asked her why she reacted as such whereas I thought she d be happy for me. She said she wasn t in the mood of talking about it. The following day, she asked me about how ths girl looked like, as I m describing her, she fell in tears. I asked the reason why, she said that she felt sorry for what she did, she loved me like no other and i was her soul, nody and all that blah blah and no matter who she goes with, I d be always there in her mind and cried over 1/2 an hour.

 

So, we met at the apt again and we talked about everything. Our past, our future, our good times and bad times. Now at the end, she hugged me tiiiiiiiiiiiight carressed my whole body kissed me on my neck (she used to love it like crazy) kissed and kissed. Then when we stopped looked at each other eye to eye, she had tears in hers and said: "I love you to death... but... but... I got to go with him".

 

I went to sleep to calm down from, you know, all the emotions and things. The following day, I explained to her that I understood that she chose her way and I wished her the best blabla all the wise stuff. And I added: "but if I come with a girl please just respect us as I respected your choice". she replied while giving me a maaad look"I swear if I find you with a girl here, I ll kill both of ya".

 

Now isn't this insane? That's why I just let go and made myself hard like a rock.

 

So Jenny, what do you say?

[jenny]

o, baby, that's just nuts what you had to go through; god, i feel for you. she was really manipulative and abusive - but i hope you come out of this ok. becoming hard like a rock is *not* the answer. i always say this - but the thing is, you loved hard, and honourably, and you opened yourself up. that is a cool, brave, strong thing. a rare thing.

 

the solution is not to stop being the loving person you are, but to find a woman who will not abuse that trust and openness, and will not abandon it for greed. i sense you are still hurting, but the flint exterior is not a good defense mechanism, it will repel women who could really love you well.

 

xox j

[amerikajin]

Man, sounds like your ex is just a complete whore bitch. She can date anyone she wants, but if you do then it's a problem?!?!?!

 

Congrats on the letter. I'd forgotten about it, but it now seems to me that the landlord can actually stipulate that if someone's out of the apartment for more than 30 days, that would in effect be an intent to vacate the apartment. Depends on state law and what's in the contract, though.

 

Congrats, too, on moving on with your life.

[Zankon]

Ok I got some updates today. My ex called my best friend (future business partner too) and cried on him over the phone telling him she feels lonely, she regrets what she did (as far as her relationship with my friends but she didn't mention anything about me), she feels stupid blah blah blah.

 

Any comment? Jenny - Amerikajin what do you guys think? IS she just trying to reconcile her situation in my area or she's trying to build up something? I insist that I don t want her back but I m soooooo worried about my new relationship cuz it's still in the sensitive timezone.

 

(I forgot to say that she informed my friend that she registered in a college 20mn from my apt. 3h from her new bf place)

[jenny]

i think she is looking for closure, which you are under no obligation to provide. what she did is wrong, and losing people is the consequence for her actions, period.

 

this broad is trouble; who the hell cares what she wants? if she comes over when you new woman is there, say politely that you have nthing to discuss, and your new girlfriend is there. if she freaks out; drama-queen style; firmly say you're happy to close the histrionic chapter in your life.

 

she only has power over you for as long as you are worried about her.

[Zankon]

Jenny>> I think you speculated right in the bull's eye. Today, she did drama-queen but not for me for another friend of mine who she insulted before she took off with her bf. She drove all the way down here (2h almost) to say "hi"... hum that s interesting I thought. According to him, she criiiied like a baby and said she was sorry she didn't know why she acted as such and that she regrets it. She also told him she feels lonely (I m like lonely??? what happened to all the money? you dont feel lonely when you swim in a "$100 bills pool") So she asked him to call her from time to time but my friend got some balls and said: "I m not letting go, sorry what you did cannot be forgiven" Baaang!! I m still expecting some more freaky surprises.

 

What do you say? No dignity huh...

[jenny]

baby, you gotta let that schadenfreude go now, ok? the best revenge on that silly bitch is to let her live out her shambled inauthentic life. onward, love, start focusing more on your current woman.

 

xox j

[amerikajin]

You want advice? Just keep your distance, any way you can. Keep your distance. Tell your friends to keep their mouths shut about you and your activities, too. The less she knows about you, the better.