MeaganRaye Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Whenever a woman is involved with a MM, the first thing she is told that a. he doesn't love her. he loves his wife b. he'll never leave his wife because he doesn't love you c. it's just about sex Can it be possible for the MM to love the OW more than his wife or possibly love both women the same? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Whenever a woman is involved with a MM, the first thing she is told that a. he doesn't love her. he loves his wife b. he'll never leave his wife because he doesn't love you c. it's just about sex Can it be possible for the MM to love the OW more than his wife or possibly love both women the same? He either loves one or the other. You can't be in love with 2 people at the same time. Of course we all love more than 2 people at the same time. But you can't tell me that you can give all the time and attention an intimate relationship requires to survive. Something, someone will suffer. More than likely the 2 women settle for less and the prick reaps the rewards of putting less into the relationship and getting all of his needs met. Link to post Share on other sites
Blue Eyed Brain Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 I believe that the reason the man seeks out another woman is because he no longer loves his wife, but is too afraid to leave. I am talking about a married man that finds one woman that he has a total connection with and that cares about him. Yes, I truly believe that a married man can love the OW and goes home to the wife because that's where is body is, but not his heart. Eventually, the heart follows - he will leave the wife, but maybe not in time for the OW. The marriage is doomed to fail before the man went out seeking love from someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Can it be possible for the MM to love the OW more than his wife or possibly love both women the same? Yes, of course it's possible. But what does it matter to the OW? He is still going home to his W every night. And the other side of the coin is essentially the same. What does it matter if he loves his W or not? He's still cheating on her. Both women are giving the MM way too much power in the triangle. Where is it written that he calls all the shots? Link to post Share on other sites
Blue Eyed Brain Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Yes, of course it's possible. But what does it matter to the OW? He is still going home to his W every night. And the other side of the coin is essentially the same. What does it matter if he loves his W or not? He's still cheating on her. Both women are giving the MM way too much power in the triangle. Where is it written that he calls all the shots? People go to bad jobs every day... that does not mean that they love them. HOwever, it does mean that they are tied to them. Not all commitments are healthy or that we run to them because we care. The cheater is hurting and not getting what they need from the commited relationship. They feel that they do not have the power to leave or they are too afraid to leave. The cheater does not have the power, they are being pulled in two directions that is not power, that's a power struggle. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 People go to bad jobs every day... that does not mean that they love them. HOwever, it does mean that they are tied to them. Not all commitments are healthy or that we run to them because we care. The cheater is hurting and not getting what they need from the commited relationship. They feel that they do not have the power to leave or they are too afraid to leave. The cheater does not have the power, they are being pulled in two directions that is not power, that's a power struggle. By your explanation both parties should be cheating? Why don't all people who aren't satisfied with their relationships cheat? You make it sound like the poor hurting cheater was dragged kicking and screaming into screwing someone else. You make it sound like morals and ethics don't have a part in the decision at all. Fear isn't why the go screw someone else, it's total selfishness. If it were all about fear then they would give the BS the same opportunity by telling them what they are going to do instead of lying and gaslighting Link to post Share on other sites
Blue Eyed Brain Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 By your explanation both parties should be cheating? Why don't all people who aren't satisfied with their relationships cheat? You make it sound like the poor hurting cheater was dragged kicking and screaming into screwing someone else. You make it sound like morals and ethics don't have a part in the decision at all. Fear isn't why the go screw someone else, it's total selfishness. If it were all about fear then they would give the BS the same opportunity by telling them what they are going to do instead of lying and gaslighting I disagree. I have known many people that have cheated and they are very decent people. They are in bad relationships and for whatever reason, they feel they cannot get out; at that time. We all know they can, but their perception is muddied. Good people do cheat. It's not a redeeming quality, but good people marry the wrong people and at that time, are too afraid to give up even a bad thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MeaganRaye Posted March 28, 2009 Author Share Posted March 28, 2009 Look at Brad and Angelina, they are still together and going strong while Jennifer Anniston is not doing so well in the relationship department Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Both women are giving the MM way too much power in the triangle. Where is it written that he calls all the shots? The wife of MM doesn't know he's having an affair with another woman, so how can the wife be included in this senario of who has the most power? He calls the shots because he knows how to manipulate (selfishly not malciously) the OW and if an OW is totally inlove with her MM, chances are, she'll take whatever he gives her (on his time frame) because she knows it's HER time to be with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Meagan, you can try all you want, but you can't analyze relationships into some factual list. So what IS your story? Are you really a woman who can't find love and no one wants, or are you the OW and you are trying to discover why your love isn't good enough for your MM to leave? Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Whenever a woman is involved with a MM, the first thing she is told that a. he doesn't love her. he loves his wife b. he'll never leave his wife because he doesn't love you c. it's just about sex And as for your silly list? You are very naive. Kismet may get that story from her MM, but there are many many love affairs where men do tell the OW that they love her, they do tell the OW that they want to leave their marriage and then follow-through with that, and it is very often about an emotional connection. I never would have been in a EMA where I didn't believe that the MM loved me or that it was just about sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MeaganRaye Posted March 28, 2009 Author Share Posted March 28, 2009 And as for your silly list? You are very naive. Kismet may get that story from her MM, but there are many many love affairs where men do tell the OW that they love her, they do tell the OW that they want to leave their marriage and then follow-through with that, and it is very often about an emotional connection. I never would have been in a EMA where I didn't believe that the MM loved me or that it was just about sex. You are being a bit too hypersensitive. I am listing things that the OW is often told when she is involved with a MM. I never said that there aren't any situations where the MM leaves his wife. You are misinterpreting my post Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 The wife of MM doesn't know he's having an affair with another woman, so how can the wife be included in this senario of who has the most power? That is quite a stretch to assume that. In most cases, I find it hard to believe the W doesn't know something's going on. I don't buy the W's story that they are the pure and innocent victims which they so often portray themselves to be. It takes two to tango in a marriage. And if the H is that unhappy that he is out seeking fulfillment with an OW, then the W must have some pretty powerful blinders on not to notice anything... and the marriage has a lot bigger problems than the A. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Whenever a woman is involved with a MM, the first thing she is told that a. he doesn't love her. he loves his wife b. he'll never leave his wife because he doesn't love you c. it's just about sex I think you need to learn, then, how to word your posts so that they are not all inclusive. There is nothing in your premise that suggests that this is NOT standard in ALL affairs. So. What IS your story, morning glory? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MeaganRaye Posted March 28, 2009 Author Share Posted March 28, 2009 I think you need to learn, then, how to word your posts so that they are not all inclusive. There is nothing in your premise that suggests that this is NOT standard in ALL affairs. So. What IS your story, morning glory? What is your story? Are you involved with a MM? Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Divorced. Young son. Short term EMA several years ago; broke it off. Dating a great guy for 13 months now. And yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MeaganRaye Posted March 28, 2009 Author Share Posted March 28, 2009 Still looking, haven't found anyone yet Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 So you are looking for a MM? Or you are looking for a SG, since MM won't commit to you? Link to post Share on other sites
wildsoul Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Whenever a woman is involved with a MM, the first thing she is told that ... You lost me a bit on the sweeping generalization, so I'm going to slice it down into two sweeping generalizations. I. If a man (married or single, doesn't matter) tells you that he doesn't love you, that he can't or won't commit to you, and that he just wants a sexual relationship, BELIEVE HIM. It pains me to see women routinely dismiss what men say, projecting that "deep down, he really loves me," or "he's scared" or conning themselves into going along with it thinking "I can handle it." Bottom line: If he says he doesn't love you, he doesn't. II. What if he says he DOES love you? Yes, of course people can have complex feelings. The MM I was with declared his feelings of love and wanting to spend his life with me on a daily basis. He also moved out. He did love me. I loved him. In my case, it didn't work out because he had some personality defects that were too problematic. My story is a classic one of "love isn't enough." Yet for others, it sometimes works out. Bottom line: If he really does love you, it's still no guarantee that it will work out. But jeebus. If you're going to get your heart involved with a MM, only take that chance if you're damn sure he loves you by declaring and acting on it. Even then, it's an impossibly hard road. One that I'll never try again. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Can it be possible for the MM to love the OW more than his wife or possibly love both women the same? I think that it is wholly possible for a MM to love both his W and the OW, albeit differently. It just isn't easy to leave though, and most people would rather stick with what is easy rather than what it right. Put it this way: a marriage is like a thick rope made of thousands of strands, each connecting and holding together some aspect of MM's life. What he has with OW is more like a shiny thread that only covers some aspects of the MM's life. When it comes time to cut one or the other, a quick snip to a shiny thread is a whole lot easier than hacking away at a thick rope that has so many connections. That's why they usually don't leave. It has little to do with love and a lot to do with practicality. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Whenever a woman is involved with a MM, the first thing she is told that Perhaps that's the first thing she is told HERE, mostly by BWs and the morality police. I think few OWs are told those things by their MMs, even when they're true, and many are told the converse. a. he doesn't love her. he loves his wife My H did tell me he loved his (then)W, it's true, when I asked why he'd stayed with her through all the years of abuse. "Loved" in the sense, though, of caring for and feeling sorry for her - not in the sense of wanting to be with her in the way he wanted to be with his kids, or the ways he loved me and wanted to be with me. He did tell me he loved me - but more than that, he showed me. b. he'll never leave his wife because he doesn't love you He did leave his (nowX)W. Not only because he loved me, but because he loved his kids and also - through counselling - because he learned to love himself. And, I think, in freeing her from the cycle of abuse, in leaving her he liberated his xW too - hopefully she won't abuse again as she's seen that people she abuses, leave her. c. it's just about sex It was for me, in the beginning. For him it was always more than that. And he was always honest about where he stood on that. Can it be possible for the MM to love the OW more than his wife or possibly love both women the same? He felt sorry for her, because she was so damaged - he thought he should stay with her and "fix" her. It took hard work and counselling for him to realise that he couldn't fix her, and he needed to look after himself and his kids. His love for his kids was never in question, nor was his love for me. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Put it this way: a marriage is like a thick rope made of thousands of strands, each connecting and holding together some aspect of MM's life. What he has with OW is more like a shiny thread that only covers some aspects of the MM's life. When it comes time to cut one or the other, a quick snip to a shiny thread is a whole lot easier than hacking away at a thick rope that has so many connections. That's why they usually don't leave. It has little to do with love and a lot to do with practicality. This makes a lot of sense to me - my H's M had eroded (if it had ever been more) to a single thread, since the abuse had driven his family, friends and colleagues away from his xW. Those firm connections were rebuilt through our R - we were the ones who visited his family as a couple, the ones who were invited to dinner with his friends, the ones sought out by his colleagues. Our coupledom was "real" and solid, in the social sense, whereas the M was tip-toed around or conveniently airbrushed out when they spoke to or about him. It was that much easier for him then just to cut that thin, frayed thread and hang on to our thick, shiny rope. But I disagree that it has "little to do with love" - the Rs formed with family, friends and colleagues were all founded on love and caring, and it was that love and concern for him that helped him twine that shiny thick rope alongside the fraying rotten thread so that the thread would be easier to cut. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 That is quite a stretch to assume that. In most cases, I find it hard to believe the W doesn't know something's going on. I don't buy the W's story that they are the pure and innocent victims which they so often portray themselves to be. It takes two to tango in a marriage. And if the H is that unhappy that he is out seeking fulfillment with an OW, then the W must have some pretty powerful blinders on not to notice anything... and the marriage has a lot bigger problems than the A. I knew my marriage was bad for years. Loved him with all my heart. Believed we would work it out. And I never knew he was cheating. I didn't even find out about the first few A's until after he was busted with the last one. I believed him when he said he would never betray me that way and that he would talk to me if he felt something for someone else. Turns out, I had bee a fool with blinders for years. Through children, deaths, fun and sorrow. My marriage had big problems(some my issues/some his), but it never crossed my mind that infidelity was one of them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MeaganRaye Posted March 28, 2009 Author Share Posted March 28, 2009 So you are looking for a MM? Or you are looking for a SG, since MM won't commit to you? at this point i don't know. it doesn't even matter. Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Can it be possible for the MM to love the OW more than his wife or possibly love both women the same? Yes, in time, it is possible for MM to fall in love with OW, and to love both women -- my H loves me, still fell in love with his last OW (but they ended it and she moved onto another single man) I also know of a MM that has had an affair with OW for more than 20 years and loves her desperately, but loves his wife too, and was completely torn up about what to do once his W found out about the A. He initially ended it with OW, but in time started it up with her again. He loves both women as much. Why would it be so hard for you to accept that a man can love more than one woman? It may not be common, because you have to have a depth of R that usually comes with a lot of investment of TIME, and if a man is married and has to keep his involvement with OW secret, then time is going to be difficult to gain with OW.... Anyway, a married man can love all of his children, can't he? Not just one child... I am sure that some MM can love more than one woman at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
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