LadyDi Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Depends on the man I suppose. Not all MM who cheat do so just for sex. They most likely do in the beginning, but some do fall over time for the OW. And I think it's those that do fall in love are the ones who have such a hard time after D-Days.....I'm sure they grieve the end of the relationship as much as the OW. But the W has the ultimate pull, with the history, kids, house, etc. Sometimes love isn't enough.... Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 I think it's possible for a MM to love both women... but for different reasons. He loves his W because she is his best friend... the mother of his children... they built a comfortable life together... with the same circle of friends, family, etc. He loves his OW for the passion, the thrill, the sex... he loves that exciting other life... it's like a drug for him.. I'm sure that when he has sex with his W.. he can't take his mind off the OW, this thought goes through his mind every time he gets horny but since he's at home.. he has no choice .. it's his W or nothing.. but if he had the choice.. he would choose the OW for sure.. Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 My MM is in love with me. It isn't all about sex and passion as much as wanting to be close. This developed over time, we work together, and only pulled down our walls and stopped denying our feelings for each other. He thinks of me all the time, not during sex with his W because that doesn't happen. She is suspicious, her gut tells her to leave but he hasn't admitted anything (partly my fault). They are on a vacation at this very moment but he has been texting me We are taking it one day at a time. There will be hurdles and decisions but we're smart enough to recognize that at some point this will go one way or another. He is younger than me and doesn't have kids, and I can't have any more kids, so that could be one of those decisions we need to be prepared for. Everyone is different. His W is depressed and always blaming him and never wants to do anything on their trips, like walks even! If she still wants to be married to him, at least try! It was like this long before I came along. Link to post Share on other sites
desertmoon Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 Of course it is possible for an MM to be in love with the OW. My MM is going through divorce as we speak and wants to marry me. Problem is, I don't want to marry him.! Link to post Share on other sites
woe_is_me Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 jesus..desertmoon..maybe u should tell him..he could be getting the divorce for nothing! mines been given an ultimatum..he can dwell on that for as long as it took him to get back in contact with me..i really dont care.. and the sad thing is..i dont think i ever will.. he came back..i flipped out and now u know what? .. no ..just no! cant share him..dont want him while he is with someone else.. make sure that hes not going straight from her to you..he needs to spend time alone..to find himself..if he is brave enough that is... God they're silly .. but since i told him how i want it ..i couldnt care less if i never see him again ..only unless he separates or divorces..and even then..would i still want him!!? he needs to leave us in the past is my guess... Link to post Share on other sites
woe_is_me Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 I also know of a MM that has had an affair with OW for more than 20 years and loves her desperately, but loves his wife too, and was completely torn up about what to do once his W found out about the A. He initially ended it with OW, but in time started it up with her again. He loves both women as much. i know of a couple where the affair lasted 20 years and the H eventually left the W for the other woman.. not after the W did very well for herself thru the divorce settlement though.. this reeks of the movie 'hes just not that into you' .. everybody knows someone that knows a story right.. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 Meagan, you were involved with a MM at one time? Link to post Share on other sites
desertmoon Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 jesus..desertmoon..maybe u should tell him..he could be getting the divorce for nothing! Oh, nonono...I am NOT the reason why they are getting a divorce and yes, he knows I am not changing my present situation to marry him. Link to post Share on other sites
KismetGirl Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 And as for your silly list? You are very naive. Kismet may get that story from her MM, but there are many many love affairs where men do tell the OW that they love her, they do tell the OW that they want to leave their marriage and then follow-through with that, and it is very often about an emotional connection. I never would have been in a EMA where I didn't believe that the MM loved me or that it was just about sex. Wow I feel special, I was referenced in another thread. I think I agree alot with Blue Eyed earlier in this thread who said that often times ties to commitments run stronger , not because a person loves where they are, but because the option to leave sems impossible because the MM's percetion of their own situation is muddled. No one ever sees their own situation very clearly now do they.... Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 I think I agree alot with Blue Eyed earlier in this thread who said that often times ties to commitments run stronger , not because a person loves where they are, but because the option to leave sems impossible because the MM's percetion of their own situation is muddled. No one ever sees their own situation very clearly now do they.... On the contrary, I believe in most cases the MM sees it very clearly - and he is unwilling to give up the "stuff", the established lifestyle that staying married provides. It's a practical decision, and the effort to upheave all of it and start all over again is just too overwhelming a task for him. I also believe that most MM are not as miserable in their marriages as they profess to be. As always, just my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
KismetGirl Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 On the contrary, I believe in most cases the MM sees it very clearly - and he is unwilling to give up the "stuff", the established lifestyle that staying married provides. It's a practical decision, and the effort to upheave all of it and start all over again is just too overwhelming a task for him. I also believe that most MM are not as miserable in their marriages as they profess to be. As always, just my opinion. Well, no , I mean, agree with you in that the idea of upheaval of the established lifestyle the MM has seems to be this impossible thing, which makes it more practical for them to stay married, that is exactly what I say all the time. but in reality, even though it would be tough in the beginning, divorce isn't usually as hard as they might think, which is what I mean by "perception being muddled". My MM , for instance, he has this view of divorce in and of itself as this HORRIBLE, absolutely abominable thing, as somethng that makes you look like a pathetic failure, as a bad husband and father, as becoming ripped from your children's lives, etc etc. When given information that a mutual friend of mine and his was getting divorced, he was so shocked, kept repeating "oh but [friend's wife] is so nice, she's a really great person", as if the fact that she is a good person should be enough reason for them to stay married , even though they may just not be as compatible as they thought. His parents got married because his mother became pregnant with MM out of wedlock (very catholic background). He indirectly admits that his parents probably weren't very sexual with each other or interested in being married or in love by saying it took over 7 years for them to have another child, his brother, and that nowadays they are cordial and comfortable, but he grew up seeing a marriage in which his parents were more friends than affectionate or passionate about each other, and so he has now convinced himself that this is equivalent to a successful marriage if it means that you can otherwise get along and raise your children together succesfully. The CONCEPT of divorce, or his PERCEPTION of it, is far worse than it actually is. He would rather be married to someone he isn't in love with than acknowledging it. He excuses it by believing that "this is just how married life is". This is what I mean by a person's own muddled perception can influence a decision that by all realistic views should be a better choice for them in the long run. Am I making sense? Link to post Share on other sites
girlwithglasses Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 Whenever a woman is involved with a MM, the first thing she is told that a. he doesn't love her. he loves his wife b. he'll never leave his wife because he doesn't love you c. it's just about sex Can it be possible for the MM to love the OW more than his wife or possibly love both women the same? I never heard those things. a. He told me from the very beginning that he loved me. He told me he did not love his then wife b. He never said that. He told me from the very beginning that he would leave her which he did within 6 months. c. I did hear that one! We've been together for years now and it's still all about the sex! Link to post Share on other sites
Cliche Posted April 2, 2009 Share Posted April 2, 2009 He either loves one or the other. You can't be in love with 2 people at the same time. Why not? Maybe I don't understand your definition of "in love." As for the OP, I've found that while people love generalizations because they give us comfort, it just isn't possible to define most relationships as either category A or category B. Some MM love their W. Some MM love their OW. Some love both. Some love only themselves. Some leave. Some don't. Most feel conflicted at some point or another. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused4Now Posted April 2, 2009 Share Posted April 2, 2009 I'm a MM and who left my wife and got a divorce. I'm in love with OW however she's been dragging her feet and maybe will never leave. I do say she was the catalyst for me leaving my dead marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted April 4, 2009 Share Posted April 4, 2009 I always find it interesting when people seem to think that the MM is the one that chooses if he wants to stay marred for whatever reason. Please don't forget that there is another person involved in that choice. That other person is his wife. Many times when a wife finds out that her H has been having an affair, her first response is to want a divorce. Then when the begging starts, the wife can choose to give her marriage a chance or file for that divorce. As I said in another thread, the OW probably hears a different story. As far as love for the wife and or the OW. The last thing I want is love from a man who isn't committed to only me. Who needs that kind of love? If my H had ever claimed that he loved me while having sex with an OW, the ink on a divorce would be dry. Even my H has admitted that he didn't love anyone at that time, not even himself. He was filled with self loathing and not capable of true love for any woman. IMO, any man who goes from having an affair to the OW, or back to his wife, without dealing with and resolving whatever issues he has is bound to continue making destructive decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
InvisibleGirl Posted April 4, 2009 Share Posted April 4, 2009 where is the choice for he doesn't love either one? The one person most of them love is themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
Awesome84 Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 So. What IS your story, morning glory? Why couldn't she just be stating a general question??? Why do you want to know her story SO bad? Is it so you can call her 'silly' again? Link to post Share on other sites
Awesome84 Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 through counselling - because he learned to love himself. . Yep. I know a guy who's wife buried his self esteem. I hate to see that happen to men. Link to post Share on other sites
Awesome84 Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 he could be getting the divorce for nothing! .. I disagree. Even if she doesn't want to marry him, the previous marriage is probably already torn. Maybe he REALLY doesn't love his wife anymore. No need to stay in a relationship where there is NO love. However, Desertmoon, it might be mean to keep this guy on a string if that is what you are doing. Does he know that you don't want to marry him? If not... he probably should know! I guess you can look at it from 2 angles... on one side... maybe Desert Moon helped him see how much he didn't really love his wife. On the other side... If he realized that he loves you Desertmoon... and that is the SOLE reason why he is getting a divorce... that is pretty devastating and I'd feel bad if I broke up a marriage without wanting more from the MM. Not saying that I would engage in an A... but if I did... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 i'm sure it's possible that any MM or MW can choose to love several people at the same time. anything is possible. as parents we love several children at the same time - as a good friend i have several wonderful friendships going at the same time (men and women) and i love them all in a way that is special and significant to each specific friend and what we experience together. i suppose then it's a matter of who finds out about who and if the "other" is willing to put up with the "other" we all have choices on loving as many people in the world that we want to - it's just a matter of what agreed upon boundaries two people have when the enter into a commitment. if one person crosses the line of the agreement - then that is where the issues may erupt. Link to post Share on other sites
desertmoon Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 I disagree. Even if she doesn't want to marry him, the previous marriage is probably already torn. Maybe he REALLY doesn't love his wife anymore. No need to stay in a relationship where there is NO love. However, Desertmoon, it might be mean to keep this guy on a string if that is what you are doing. Does he know that you don't want to marry him? If not... he probably should know! I guess you can look at it from 2 angles... on one side... maybe Desert Moon helped him see how much he didn't really love his wife. On the other side... If he realized that he loves you Desertmoon... and that is the SOLE reason why he is getting a divorce... that is pretty devastating and I'd feel bad if I broke up a marriage without wanting more from the MM. Not saying that I would engage in an A... but if I did... Please read post #33. Link to post Share on other sites
Deegee Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 my mm told me he loved me within 2 weeks of us being together (one of the MANY red flags!), and continues to until this day. We are no longer together, he is still married, and has called me a cheater for dating another man, and when he found out about the other guy proceeded to tell me that we were NEVER gonne be together.. It truly broke my heart after 3 1/2 years of him waffling, it's come to this...and I'm sick and tired of giving him the power, so I've decided that NO ONE can have this power over me, not now, NOT EVER! Link to post Share on other sites
EllieBean Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 If a MM loved his W, he wouldn't be cheating on her. Simples Of course, this doesn't mean that he necessarily loves the OW either! But unless the relationship is just about sex, there's a chance that he loves the OW, whereas the poor wife has already been relegated to the status of someone who is unimportant enough to be cheated on. I agree with LB that many men stay in their marriage because there are too many ties to break easily (especially if there are kids involved), not necessarily because they love their wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Awesome84 Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 Please read post #33. Yea... stupid me! I read that one after I already posted. LOL! Link to post Share on other sites
Awesome84 Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 It truly broke my heart after 3 1/2 years of him waffling, it's come to this...and I'm sick and tired of giving him the power, so I've decided that NO ONE can have this power over me, not now, NOT EVER! Woah! Hear Hear!!! Congrats for not letting anyone have power over you. Whether they are married or not. I'm all for looking out for #1 anyway! Anyhow... it sounds like that guy really burned you! Thats unfortunante. Just don't let it dictate future relationships. I only state that because that is MY problem. Previous situations with men have really closed my heart for new relationships and now I am finding it hard to let ANYONE in. So now I come off as cold.... oddly though... now men seem to be throwing themselves at me! Weird how that works huh? So... on the other hand... remaining in control of your power may work in your favor! Link to post Share on other sites
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