I am having a hard time "she loves me but not in love"

[Biggie25x]

My wife recently left for a few days and said she wants a divorce. She has since came back and we are living in our house until I can move back home. I have tried everything I know to win her back with tears in my eyes and a sincere desire to change but nothing seems to work. I knew we argued a lot and had our problems but I guess I didn't know how bad. She never really told me or I never listened to her hints.

 

I want to save our marriage as I think it's salvageable. The problem is she doesn't. I can't wrap my head around that. I mean we have been married for 7 years and dating for 6 before that. How can you love someone but not be in love with them? What can I do to save my marriage? How do you learn to accept?

 

I have tried all I know to do but don't want to give up. Any advice would be great. Thank you.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

She fell out of love. There's no (heart skipping a beat when she sees your number come up when calling), no flutter when you breeze by. She is telling you that the thrill is gone.

 

You can either accept it and make it better, or keep your head in the sand and wait a few years before she leaves you.

 

What is salvagabe in your marriage? List them and really look at it.

 

Sometimes we think we're in a good relationship and we are not. Sometimes we take things for granted. Look deep into what you have and what you think you have. That's where it all lies.

[LakesideDream]

My wife recently left for a few days and said she wants a divorce. She has since came back and we are living in our house until I can move back home. I have tried everything I know to win her back with tears in my eyes and a sincere desire to change but nothing seems to work. I knew we argued a lot and had our problems but I guess I didn't know how bad. She never really told me or I never listened to her hints.

 

I want to save our marriage as I think it's salvageable. The problem is she doesn't. I can't wrap my head around that. I mean we have been married for 7 years and dating for 6 before that. How can you love someone but not be in love with them? What can I do to save my marriage? How do you learn to accept?

 

I have tried all I know to do but don't want to give up. Any advice would be great. Thank you.

 

 

Biggie, There are literally hundreds of threads starting the same way yours does here on Love Shack (by the way, Welcome). The "I love you, but am not in love with you" syndrome is rampant these days.

 

They all seem to come to the same conclusions eventually. The vast majority (well over 90%) have the same features. First the statement "I love you but am not in love" nearly always leaves out the most important component which is "and I've found someone else that I'm in love with". Many if not most women speak in code. The next thing you are likely to hear, if you haven't already is "I need space to find myself".

 

All the desire you have to change, and morph into the ideal husband is moot at that point. In all probability your wife has already emotionally checked out of your marriage and is trying to gain distance to begin a relationship with another love interest.

 

It will help if you add details about your situation. Do you have chillens? What problems have you been experiancing in your relationship? Has your wife been paying extra attention to someone at work? All those things matter.

 

Loveshack is a great place to air your situation, and get advice. It's also good to vent, and find many many folks who have experianced, and lived through exactly the same situation you have (including yours truely). Keep your head up, and keep posting. There is a long road, often traveled ahead of you.

 

Good Luck.

[Biggie25x]

I am trying to accept and change the mistakes I have made in our marriage, if for nothing else than to become a better man. I understand not having that fluttering feeling anymore and needing to rebuild the relationship. I know it will take a lot of time and effort to accomplish. There are issues on both sides.

 

What I'm struggling with is not even getting that chance. We went to one counciling session with a minister last Sept. when we were having a big argument than. I don't view one session as enough. I think these issues will take many months if not years to resolve. I don't think we ever really worked on improving our relationship. It's hard to convince her that sometimes marriages aren't easy or smooth but take a lot of hard work and commitment. It almost seems that the closer and deeper in love I feel the more she pushes away.

 

I think after our argument in Sept. we both tried to not argue anymore but we ignored our issues. We never put the work in that was needed to overcome our problems. We never learned a different way of dong things we just ignored. You can't ignore a problem and use that as conflict resolution. Or at least I can't.

 

I know I love her and I know she loves me. She may not feel that flutter in her stomach anymore but we have been together for 12 years. It's time to dig up all the negative emotions that is covering the love I know we have for each other so we can have the marriage we both deserve. I know it's possible with hard work and commitment. I think an instance like this comes under "for better or for worse" and was what that vow was meant for. To give couples the commitment to each other to get through times like this, together not apart.

 

If I could only convince her of that.

[LakesideDream]

"For better or for worse" how quaint. The meaning of that phrase changed to "until one of us decides not to" sometime in the 1980's.

 

Examine your situation. Find out who the new man is and begin dealing with that. I hate to be neg. but check those phone records (it's all available online from your provider), read her emails, find out who she is sharing her emotions and possibly her body with.

 

Without that knowledge there is no way you can make informed decisions, or be successful in your quest to "save" your marriage.

 

I know you are reading right now. Google the term "Gaslight"... read the answers. You have reached a crossroads. Get all the information before you choose a path.

 

Again... good luck.

[Biggie25x]

Lakeside, thank you. This isn't the first time you've found me on here. I am gong to be 33 next week, my wifes 35. We have no kids but we do own a house and a great big dog.

 

The problems we have are numerous. I come from a large family, she is an only child. She has a need for alone time and while I do to I think a marriage is about two people going through life together. While alone time is important it can't be the only time you fight for. Never fighting for time or activities to do together.

 

I don't know, it just seems we have been on different wave lengths our entire marriage. I am fiscally irresponsible, than learn the errors of my ways and than she gets fiscally irresponsible. I am getting closer and she pulls away.

 

I have worked in sales for 9 years working crazy schedules with a ton of stress. It feels like I went through the meat grinder. I hated the job and commission but did it because where we live it's one of the only ways to make a pretty good salary. I wanted to give her the world and would do what I needed to provide it for her. It grew to a point last year where I felt I was going to explode. It was 3 years since our last vacation, our marriage was rocky, and it was getting harder and harder to get a good commission with the economy going south.

 

So, I looked at myself and said something needed to change. I asked my wife for help but she said it was my problem so fix it. I did. I thought what would I rather give up my job or my marriage because both is killing me. So I found a job that i would like with a normal work week and a pretty good wage. Not what I was getting in sales but good enough. I figured that would give us the chance to work on our issues without the stress that I had in my old job.

 

It seems like that was the wrong plan and only pushed her farther away. I got the statement from her that she is an only child and need her her time. that me being of Sat and Sun now would mess her alone time up. I told her I am so much happier in my new job with less stress. I was learning a new thing that I thought would take me places. We could still do things apart on weekends or with friends but let's not forget to do things together.

 

It didn't work. She pulled farther and farther away. I freaked out and got a little controlling and we argued about her behavior. In hind site this is excaclty opposite of what I should of done. But you live and learn and hind site is 20/20. It came to a head on night on St Patties day. She sent me a message earlier in the day saying she was going out with friends but that she would be home by nine because she knew I wanted to do something together as well. I got a call from her at 8 saying she would be home at nine so we could hang out and do stuff. She gets home at 10:30.

 

I freaked out (again I was wrong) because I was hurt (have you ever had the feeling that she never thought you could be hurt, that her actions had no consequences on your emotions). We argued. She didn't come home the next night. Or the next 5 nights. She stated when she left and since she's been back that she wants a divorce and that she's not in love with me anymore.

[Biggie25x]

I honestly don't think it's anyone else. I feel I know this. I have asked while looking her in the eye. I believe her when she says no. It's tough when you have no one but her where you live and she has all her family and friends she grew up with.

[LakesideDream]

You know what really happened on St. Pat's day don't you? She was with her new boyfriend, having so much fun, being spontanious, and flirty, having all her giddy feelings and she just couldn't break away... I mean he is just so appealing.

 

This happenened to me, and to so many others before. It's not a new thing. At the times it happened to me I knew deep down there were serious problems, I chose not to face. Meeting those problems means it's the beginning of the end, even the thought hurts. Nobody blames you for looking the other way. Almost all of us did the same.

 

The best way to begin to heal, whatever path you end up taking is to find out what's actually going on. Do your due dillegence. Get as much of the situation in focus as you can. While you have undoubtedly made mistakes in your marriage (who hasn't) it doesen't sound like those mistakes rose to the level of cheating on your wife. Her behaviour is a clear signal that she is already cheating on you. If's she's sharing her vagina with someone else, you need to know. It's just that simple.

 

You are being gaslighted. Sure as gawd made little green apples.

[Biggie25x]

Lakeside, I thought so as well. But when she wasn't home she was at her friends. On St Patties she was with her friends. I just don't see it as another man issue. Of course, I could be wrong. The signs are there. She's still living in the house though and will be for two more weeks until I move out. I can't see her lying to my face about it. I could be wrong about that as well. I have misjudged her in the past and her ability to confuse me is great.

[LakesideDream]

I honestly don't think it's anyone else. I feel I know this. I have asked while looking her in the eye. I believe her when she says no. It's tough when you have no one but her where you live and she has all her family and friends she grew up with.

 

 

My ex, bless her soul, looked at me with big green eyes and lied for 23 out of our 25 year marriage. I loved her, so I had to believe her. Not believing came at to heavy a price.

 

Finally after 25 years of marriage she told the truth. She couldn't flash those eyes then, she just looked down and away when she lied. Then in a few days she 'fessed up. By then I already knew. How many years would you wait for the truth if she was willing to string you along?

 

Now she's living happily ever after with her soul mate. The heavy lifting was done. Kids were raised. It was her time to "find herself" which she did the very evening I helped her move to her new apartment. I'm sure she's found herself many times since. I just wish I had "found myself" way back when the whole mess started. Looking back, I see the sign posts along the way. I just didn't have the experiance or maturity to recognize them then. Had I seen and acted on them, I surely wouldn't be typing this to you on a beautiful Saturday morning, I'd be lounging in bed with someone who loved me.

 

Wise up, and do what you have to do.

[Campingman]

OMG.... why do i get the feeling that I am reading my own life story right before my eyes?

[Biggie25x]

It's hard thinking about moving on. I dedicated 12 years of my life to this woman. I met her right before I turned 21. I have known her almost my entire adult life. It's scary thinking of going it alone now. Plus I'm going to be moving home to be with family I haven't seen much these past 12 years. They are almost strangers. I would rather go on and adapt and adjust and compromise and be married to my wife. She has a good heart. I think.

 

I don't know anymore. It feels like I am all emotional and I am just not equipped to deal with it. When it comes to this it seems like the wife is in the majors and I'm in the minors.

[sugarmomma]

You guys were young when you got together and it sounds like you may have just grown apart. Did the passion leave the relationship? Were you guys still close in a sexual way? Sometimes when the flame burns out its just a matter of time. Take care of you health mentally, emotionally and physically and you'll be fine. It will take time but you have to committ to getting better and not bitter.

[LakesideDream]

You guys were young when you got together and it sounds like you may have just grown apart. Did the passion leave the relationship? Were you guys still close in a sexual way? Sometimes when the flame burns out its just a matter of time. Take care of you health mentally, emotionally and physically and you'll be fine. It will take time but you have to committ to getting better and not bitter.

 

S-moms, Grown apart? HuH? We all get better sooner or later. If the truth is actually told, we all remain bitter as well. That bitter taste is what makes us more careful in the future.

 

Bitter? Hell yes. Angry, no. I don't give the power to make me angry away to anyone, and never will again.

[Biggie25x]

I know it will take time and I need to do all these things but it's hard. I have had a pretty trying day today when it comes to dealing with the feelings I am having for our marriage. I am having a hard time moving on in my thoughts. I am blaming myself for our problem even though I know it took us both to get here. I can't seen to focus on the things she did wrong only the guilt for what I did wrong.

 

It's hard right now to focus on anything else. To control what I'm thinking about, even though I'm trying.

[iceis44]

My wife recently left for a few days and said she wants a divorce. She has since came back and we are living in our house until I can move back home. I have tried everything I know to win her back with tears in my eyes and a sincere desire to change but nothing seems to work. I knew we argued a lot and had our problems but I guess I didn't know how bad. She never really told me or I never listened to her hints.

 

I want to save our marriage as I think it's salvageable. The problem is she doesn't. I can't wrap my head around that. I mean we have been married for 7 years and dating for 6 before that. How can you love someone but not be in love with them? What can I do to save my marriage? How do you learn to accept?

 

I have tried all I know to do but don't want to give up. Any advice would be great. Thank you.

x husband of 25 years said this to me "I left" filed for divorce, never been happier

[Gunny376]

First thing off! You didn't get "here" by yourself there Slick!

 

Lakeside is giving you some good 'intel"

 

The first thing you need to do is quit 'beating yourself up!'

 

There's plenty of folks just waiting outside your front door, more than willing to do the job for you ~ just to see the look on your face!

[Justanotherschmuck]

"For better or for worse" how quaint. The meaning of that phrase changed to "until one of us decides not to" sometime in the 1980's.

 

Examine your situation. Find out who the new man is and begin dealing with that. I hate to be neg. but check those phone records (it's all available online from your provider), read her emails, find out who she is sharing her emotions and possibly her body with.

 

Without that knowledge there is no way you can make informed decisions, or be successful in your quest to "save" your marriage.

 

I know you are reading right now. Google the term "Gaslight"... read the answers. You have reached a crossroads. Get all the information before you choose a path.

 

Again... good luck.

 

Yeah, can someone EXPLAIN to me, and NOT in a flurry of EXCUSES, just WHAT exactly I MISUNDERSTOOD when that was said to me? I mean I understood it to mean that LIFE can't be used as an excuse. My wife says we fought ALL the time. 29 out of thirty years, in fact. Well, WE constitutes her and..........ME. That means, even if I believe her "stats", I was involved in this bickering also, right? Why do I still want to stick it out? Why am I still in love? Why is divorce the furthest thing from MY mind? Fought, schmought. If something serious happens, a disability, a life threatening disease, who's gonna BE there, day and night? Yep, me the guy your "fought all the time" with. And by her side taking care of her is where I SHOULD be and where I WANT TO BE. She's bickering with me, called me names, pressured me into earning more and more, never enough, lied to me, never EVER said thank you to me.......but I'm still here. I made a PROMISE.

 

We NEVER promised each other we wouldn't make mistakes. We promised never to quit.

 

She says HER marriage sucked. Well, that was MY marriage too. ANd I'm still here, trying to do whats RIGHT. What was PROMISED.

[Biggie25x]

I Thank everyone who has responded to my post. It's one of the toughest experinces in my life. I thought we were making headway last night as my wife and I watched the movie Fireproof together. She agreed it had some good points but it hasn't really changed her mind. All she's done is cry in her room and talked to her best friend and mother. I'm sure they has encouraing words of working it out to give her (yea right).

 

I don't understand how people can not stick through the tough times when one party is trying everything to change. I took a vow to never give up and if we end this marriage I can at least know I did everything I could to save it. I offered to change and live with what I could to make it work together. I know we have major problems but I know people have overcome major problems. She doesn't think so.

 

I am at the end. I have nothing left to try to make this work. Everything has been one sided to this point and I don't know how much longer I can keep that up.

[LovieDove24]

I am going to post this, even though Lakeside has already re-iterated it many times. I believe your wife is cheating on you. For a woman to make such a drastic move, she must have other securities in place. Most often, this means another man. Check into it, if you find nothing at least you'll know. If you do find something, the truth will help in your recovery.

[tyhbvf]

My wife recently left for a few days and said she wants a divorce. She has since came back and we are living in our house until I can move back home. I have tried everything I know to win her back with tears in my eyes and a sincere desire to change but nothing seems to work. I knew we argued a lot and had our problems but I guess I didn't know how bad. She never really told me or I never listened to her hints.

 

I want to save our marriage as I think it's salvageable. The problem is she doesn't. I can't wrap my head around that. I mean we have been married for 7 years and dating for 6 before that. How can you love someone but not be in love with them? What can I do to save my marriage? How do you learn to accept?

 

I have tried all I know to do but don't want to give up. Any advice would be great. Thank you.

 

You love her?!

 

If you love her than you would want the best for her, not the best for you.

 

If she wants out, then let her out. (if you really love her).

 

BUT YOU DON'T!

 

You love only yourself and the thought of being alone (again about your selfish self) is too much for you to handle.

 

Let her go.

 

Let her go, man. She wants a divorce. If you love her, then let her divorce.

 

Learn to love yourself so that you don't need a woman in the future.

[sugarmomma]

It takes 2 to make a marriage go bad and 2 to make it work.

[sugarmomma]

I totally agree. You cant't make someone love you.

You love her?!

 

If you love her than you would want the best for her, not the best for you.

 

If she wants out, then let her out. (if you really love her).

 

BUT YOU DON'T!

 

You love only yourself and the thought of being alone (again about your selfish self) is too much for you to handle.

 

Let her go.

 

Let her go, man. She wants a divorce. If you love her, then let her divorce.

 

Learn to love yourself so that you don't need a woman in the future.

[Biggie25x]

I am not trying to "make" her love me or do anything else. What I'm trying to do is have her realize that there is love there but it's buried under other emotions. It takes two working together to realize and uncover it on both sides. What I'm saying is if everyone took your advice to end it when it gets tough than no marriage would ever last.

 

I don't think she's cheating and have done measures to find out. I could always be wrong but I don't think so in this case. I think she's receiving bad advice form her best friend to end it rather than work on it. I think she'll look back eventually and realize what SHE had and regret giving it up. I know I will.

 

But I'll also know I did whatever I could to work on the marriage and to try to work it out. To me that's what I meant when I said "for better or worse". You have to hold on when the times are tough and know you'll find your way out. You promised each other not that there would be no tough times but that when the times were tough you'd weather it together.

 

It takes two to bring a marriage to this point. I have scars as well as her. There are three choices, not two. One, divorce. Two, stay together like it was. Three, modify your actions and change your patterns together. Work on it together. As long as you both try nothing is dead.

 

I have been told before that I'm hopelessly naive.

[sumdude]

I've heard the same words, then the "I need space." and "you're too clingy." and other top ten breakup/divorce cheating or wanting to cheat hits.

 

Trust your gut... I know that sounds cliche but I bet at some point you suddenly felt this twisting, churning sensation down there and felt sick to your stomach. At that moment you knew something was wrong, that she might very well be cheating on you. Within minutes though your mind convinced you that you were wrong, that there's no way she would do that because you love her.

 

If this has happened to you.. trust the first instinct.

 

Been there, done that.. have the t-shirt.

 

I had other people even telling me that she wasn't cheating, that the guy I suspected was just a friend.

 

In the end she married him less than 2 years after she left me. Even then she lied to me about who it was.

 

All's fair in love and war. Never a truer statement has been made.

 

You have to start living life for yourself and moving forward because in all likelihood this marriage is over. Sorry, it hurts.. gotta suck it up. Right now 'working at the marriage' is having the exact opposite effect so might as well drop it because it's not working.

 

I wish you luck. Your mind is going to be running out of control for a while.. expect that. Get a lot of exercise and try to keep eating and sleeping.