I am having a hard time "she loves me but not in love"

[seibert253]

If you're going to start anew, it sure is easier far away from the thing that's holding you back, (her). When your far away, in a few months you'll be amazed how the hurt subsides, especially when you're out doing what you want to do, when you want to do it, and don't have to worry about a wife bitching when you want to go out with the guys, or just lay around the house in your underware drinking beer.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Thanks guys, that's kinda how I feel about it too. I want it to work and am scared for single life but I also know she needs to start showing me she wants to be with me too. That she loves me and wants to make me happy and work on it too.

 

I don't know. It seems to be a hard thing to wrap my mind around. Nothing has prepared me to go through this crap.

 

Single LIFE is AWESOME!!!! you get to bang any chick you really want! go out late, hang with the fellas, you dont have to hear the consistant nagging and emotional rants by women, you can spend on yourself and not buy some stupid woman some dumb azz purse that cost 400$!!! You can buy yourself a ride and pimp it out and not worry about taking her on a vacation. You can have a better sex life and not worry if she has a headache or she's tired. Why because if you just go and have fun you dont have to worry about being stuck with a woman that doesnt give a damn about u!

 

It's gonna take time, and soon you wont feel married, you wont feel single, you'll be who you was before you met your wife.

[Biggie25x]

Thanks for the advice guys. It seems to be what I think as well. I know in the long run I'll be better off with someone that wants to be with me too. That fights to stay together. Hell, I think I've given this advice to others.

 

Chrome Barracuda, single life doesn't sound too bad after all. I know I'll be just fine eventually with single life, even if I can't see it now. It's more the whole move and divorce. It's going to be somewhat hectic and overwhelming for a while but I'm a firm believer in "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." It will be hard at first, but damn it I'll succeed if for nothing else to not give her the satisfaction of being able to mess with my life like that. To let her know I'm better than that and it will take more than that to break me.

 

Hell, the best thing I can do is prove her wrong. To prove to myself that I will be just fine and proving to myself that I can overcome adversity. Eventually.

[Gunny376]

"..............and am scared for single life"

 

What are you nuts? I was married for twelve years and and shacked up for another six and half.

 

Looking back on it? I freaking hated it! Stockholm Syndrome I guess.

 

After my divorce, I noticed that guys that had never been married / children had nicer places to live, more than one ride, nicer wardrobes, more money, took real vacations. They didn't have to go to weddings of people they didn't know? They came and went when they wanted, as they wanted, with whom they wanted, as they damn well please. They stayed out as late as they wanted, or left early? Or if they chose to do so? They just stayed home.

 

They had less debt, more credit / money. Their money wasn't being spent on ceramic dolphins, unicorns, owls ~ whatever. They know at least half of the stuff they sell in 'China-Mart' and other stores ~ they don't have any use for!

 

They get to program "Lifetime", "H&G network" out of their remotes, so that they just skip right pass them straight to ESPN I & II, Spike, Discovery Channel, History Channel, Fox News, CNN (Communist News Channel ~ got to keep a balanced view ~ perspective )

 

They don't have to worry about some woman coming into the room and switching off "tha game" during the last two minutes of such and telling you, "We need to talk!"

 

They can sleep in on weekends.

 

If they want to get drunk and piss on the hall walls ~ they can do that!

 

You get to sit around in your boxers, do the Al Bundy thing and drink beer.

 

You can go to the mall or anywhere and check out the Babes and the HB10's (Hot Babe's 10), and once you've overcome your 'approach anxiety' even date and/ or sleep with them.

 

You don't have to hide your whisky ~ Hell you can even stock your own bar.

 

Single men don't have to worry about some woman taking half of their stuff ~ usually the better half ~ and having to go to the furniture store, 'China-Mart' etc and buying all that stuff that they already bought.

 

Single men don't worry about paying child support, alimony for the rest of their lives to some woman that hate their guts!

 

Single men don't worry about cheating wives, 'walk-a-wives' nor living with some woman that can't be pleased, satisfied, pacified, no matter what they say or do.

 

Single men can move into a place, and not have to worry about re-arranging the furniture every six months! They can live in a place for twenty years, and the couch and chairs will still be in the same place the day they moved in twenty freaking years ago.

 

Single men can get by with mini-blinds and not have to worry about buying hundreds of dollars of drapes, curtains, curtain rods, etc.

 

When your married and/or shacking up? You've got three types of paper in your house? Toilet paper, paper towels, and tissue papers! You've got tissue paper in the bathroom, the living room, the bedroom,.................

 

But when your single? You've only got two types! Toilet paper and paper towels! You run out of one? You use the other!

 

Single men? If they don't have a woman in their life? They don't have to worry about Valentines Day, Christmas, New Years Eve, Birthdays. They haven't a use for Victoria Secret, Fredericks of Hollywood, diamond rings.

 

Single men blow off divorce lawyers like its cool!

 

If you're half way in shape, decent looking, (and although I'm not into men ~ I'm willing to bet that your "worse than some, but better than most), know how clean your 'place', wash your @ss once a day, don't smell as though you just climbed out of the sewer ~ HAVE A CAR, A JOB, NOT A DRUNK, A DRUGGIE, A WIFE BEATER that you can find yourself someone else!

 

When a woman leaves you? It means one thing and one thing only! That you've got to get off your dead @ss and go and find yourself someone new!

 

What one woman will abuse? Another can certainly use! That's a fact Jack! Just that plain and just that simple!

[lonelypiscesguy]

Great post, Gunny! Semper Fi, Devil Dog! (Golf 2/1)

[Biggie25x]

Thanks for the posts, sometimes you just need a swift kick in the ass to start getting your thinking back on track .

[sumdude]

Single men can move into a place, and not have to worry about re-arranging the furniture every six months!

 

:lmao: For some reason this one really made me laugh!

[Biggie25x]

Wow, today has been a tough day. The STBXW and I were stuck in the house all day trying to hammer out all the details of the split. I think I was reminded again of why we ended up where we are.

 

What really messes me up is that I still love this person that messes me up so badly. That I don't have more self confidence to be able to tear her from my heart. That I let her criticisms still effect me. That I still care what she thinks of me even if I know that some of what she says is because she's scared and hurt now. That I still want to make it work with someone that has made is abundantly clear they don't want to be with me anymore.

 

I hope this gets better or maybe I'm just having one of those days.

[Gunny376]

It does get better and you are having one of "those days" ~ but you've got to work at it.

 

As others have said you might want to join a divorce support group and start going to the meetings.

 

BTW ~ with 88 posts you should have PM priviledges now.

[Chrome Barracuda]

That's right she has made it abundantly clear she does not wanna be with you!!!!

 

Once this marriage fades your gonna move on, you must prepare for the inevitable. There's no need sacrifising yourself for a person who is not willing to reciprocate. She wants freedom at any cost, willing to destroy you at any cost. You need to numb that love you feel and keep her at a distance. Hammer out any things you need to do with financials. and start to go see a lawyer.

 

I was stuck in a similar mindset couldnt be with a woman, single, lonely and just lovedumb.

 

But things changed, I'm lonely sometimes but my self worth is more important than any chick who's gonna be a detriment on my life. You need to look at it from another angle clearly this woman does not have your best interests at heart, all she cares about is herself, dont cater to her!!!

 

Your wife is dead!!! figuratively.

[Biggie25x]

I was stuck in a similar mindset couldnt be with a woman, single, lonely and just lovedumb

I know what you mean.

 

You guys are right. I know all this and even start to come to terms with it but while we are still living together we see each other all the time. There is no NC because we see or hear each other every morning and night. That is what I need to move on and I know it will be easier when I leave in....10 days. So, not that much longer.

 

I now have moments where I realize that if she doesn't love me enough to fight with me through the tough times than she isn't the partner for me. I gave this marriage my all and she didn't. That's her problem, not mine. I made my fair share of mistakes but I wanted to work on our problems together so we could grown together as a couple in overcoming adverstity. She took the easy way out. I deserve someone who feels the same way I do about them and who is willing to fight to stay with me. Who won't back out when the going gets tough.

 

Waiting to move on, knowing it's coming, I can honestly say it's one of the least fun things I have ever done but I get better everyday and it hurts less to see her everyday. It's the waiting that's keeping both of us in limbo. I am actually starting to look forward to seeing what I can do with myself with or without her.

 

Thanks for all the advice it keeps me on the path when I can't see it.

[Biggie25x]

I was talking with my Dad earlier this week and he said something that I didn't get until just now. You know a, "Hello, McFly....Anyone in there?" moment.

 

My Grandfather was a wise old man that immigrated from Italy in the 1930's. He always knew just what to say to help you figure it out. When my Dad and Mom got a divorce my Dad was looking for advice too. I'm sure we all know what he was going though.

 

Well my Grandfather told him he'd be just fine alone. That eventually he'd adjust. That the happiest guy my Grandfather ever knew.... "lived by himself, in the mountains of Western PA, in a cabin, by himself, with his dog."

 

Think about it.

[Biggie25x]

Oops. Made a mistake here. Sorry.

[stace79]

Biggie, There are literally hundreds of threads starting the same way yours does here on Love Shack (by the way, Welcome). The "I love you, but am not in love with you" syndrome is rampant these days.

 

They all seem to come to the same conclusions eventually. The vast majority (well over 90%) have the same features. First the statement "I love you but am not in love" nearly always leaves out the most important component which is "and I've found someone else that I'm in love with". Many if not most women speak in code. The next thing you are likely to hear, if you haven't already is "I need space to find myself".

 

All the desire you have to change, and morph into the ideal husband is moot at that point. In all probability your wife has already emotionally checked out of your marriage and is trying to gain distance to begin a relationship with another love interest.

 

It will help if you add details about your situation. Do you have chillens? What problems have you been experiancing in your relationship? Has your wife been paying extra attention to someone at work? All those things matter.

 

Loveshack is a great place to air your situation, and get advice. It's also good to vent, and find many many folks who have experianced, and lived through exactly the same situation you have (including yours truely). Keep your head up, and keep posting. There is a long road, often traveled ahead of you.

 

Good Luck.

 

Have to say I disagree with this... the "love you but not in love" statement is actually valid in some cases, with no cheating involved. It's like loving your sister or brother or best friend. You can love them dearly, but you don't have the "in love" desire to be in a romantic relationship with them.

[Biggie25x]

Isn't that kind of a cop out though?

 

I mean I doubt many people who are together 20, 30 or more years always feel that "in love" feeling. They do seem to have the ability to know that they won't and to have the commitment to work together to get it back.

 

After all, their vows didn't say that trouble wouldn't come just that when it came they would work on it together. To know that just because they aren't feeling it now, they did feel it in the past and if they work on it they will feel it in the future.

[Biggie25x]

Wow, it's been a crazy couple says. We went to the courthouse on Friday and finalized the divorce paperwork. Didn't really do much else on Friday. On Saturday we talked about the relationship and how this was the last weekend we would probably see each other.

 

Today, she was cold when she woke up, went to Easter with her family, came back home and started crying and saying she didn't know if she's doing the right thing. That she sometimes wants to just "throw in the towel and try to make it work."

 

So far it's been nothing but tears, questioning, apologies and regrets. There has been no real act of reconciliation on her part.

 

This is driving me crazy, it's like she's looking for my forgiveness for her not wanting to work it out. What the hell? I didn't want the divorce, why would I forgive her?

 

Maybe it will get easier when I leave the house on Tues.?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Wow, it's been a crazy couple says. We went to the courthouse on Friday and finalized the divorce paperwork. Didn't really do much else on Friday. On Saturday we talked about the relationship and how this was the last weekend we would probably see each other.

 

Today, she was cold when she woke up, went to Easter with her family, came back home and started crying and saying she didn't know if she's doing the right thing. That she sometimes wants to just "throw in the towel and try to make it work."

 

So far it's been nothing but tears, questioning, apologies and regrets. There has been no real act of reconciliation on her part.

 

This is driving me crazy, it's like she's looking for my forgiveness for her not wanting to work it out. What the hell? I didn't want the divorce, why would I forgive her?

 

Maybe it will get easier when I leave the house on Tues.?

 

If you guys finalized the divorce theirs nothing to talk about let her cure her own guilt. She made the choice to leave you and divorce you. I wouldnt even pretend to be her friend. Screw that.

[mark982]

chrome-- you got that right!! all you are now is ex-business partners,with one getting screwed over.

[Biggie25x]

Thanks guys, I know this stuff, I just can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that it's really over. That we can't/won't work it out. Even with everything that's gone on in the back of my mind I think we'll work it out.

 

I have to let go. Posting here and getting your advice helps. It also helps remind me how I need to stay on the path. How I need to put this in perspective and to move on.

[skywriter]

You said something about Tuesday, helping to put things in perspective.

 

Absolutley, it will help if you aren't under the same roof. Especially if you move elsewhere, and aren't burdened with all the memories of where you both shared a home.

 

At the same time, I've always thought if only fair that the person wanting out, should be the one to have to leave.

 

Either way, I wish you peace and all the best.

[Gunny376]

Thanks guys, I know this stuff, I just can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that it's really over. That we can't/won't work it out. Even with everything that's gone on in the back of my mind I think we'll work it out.

 

I have to let go. Posting here and getting your advice helps. It also helps remind me how I need to stay on the path. How I need to put this in perspective and to move on.

 

 

Go to your local bookstore and buy/order a book titled "The Game" by Neil Strauss. Just read it, don't underline it, highlight it, make side notes anything. Just read it.

 

Then go on-line and order an e-book titled "The Dating Black Book" and "The Alpha Man" Read the "Dating Black Book" first and then "Alpha Man" by Carlos Xuma.

 

Pass on their other offers on their websites.

 

Print them out, (its going to cost you some coin and and you'll need to purchase a binder and a three hole puncher ~ less than a $100)

 

Read them in the order I've laid out.

 

And then read them again X 5 (Human retention is only 20%, so to fully achieve full retention you must read/do something 5X's)

 

When you do? You'll have full understanding as to why your in the mess your in! (As was I)

 

Just his advice as to how to maintain an LTR on two pages is worth the price of the book! (To quote Homer Simpson "DOLK!" )

[uster]

Biggie, I feel your pain my wife told me the same thing on Easter but hers was followed with I have feelings for a guy I dated in high school (15 years ago) she also told me she is in love with him even though he has told her twice now that he doesn't feel the same way. Now instead of wanting to trial seperate and move out she is staying and going to try to see if she is seeing things clearly and maybe the love she has for me is true. I am also confused on what way to go in this situation being with her for11 years and married for almost 8 of it with 2 young boys, I just can't throw it away, Iknow marriage is hard work, but listening to someone tell you they aren't in love with you and they are in love with someone they dated in high school and have been friends with on and off since is hard. She also said that she isn't sure if she ever stopped loving him during our marriage and that she isn't sure if she ever loved me. Even though it has only been a week and a half since she told me about this I really am starting to think that no matter how hard it would be that maybe I am better off with out her. I am just trying to learn from this so I know what I want and deserve from any relationship and to give in return, I think that is about all you can do.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Have to say I disagree with this... the "love you but not in love" statement is actually valid in some cases, with no cheating involved. It's like loving your sister or brother or best friend. You can love them dearly, but you don't have the "in love" desire to be in a romantic relationship with them.

 

Yes, but very few people in that situation leave if there isn't someone else in the picture. I've seen marriages coast for decades on this because face it - it is easier to stay married for all parties involved, but as soon as OM or OW shows up? Bam. Divorce.

 

I guess given the choice of staying married and complacent, and being alone - there are a precious few that can honestly choose 'alone' for self actualized reasons. Most just stay married until someone else comes along, only expressing this ILYBINILWY when they have found someone else that they are in love with.

[pelicanpreacher]

I think you may be a little hasty in quitting your job. Right now you need stability and you've already mentioned that your finances are slim. Can your current job support you in a single life? You've also said this job has made you happier than you've been from an employment stance and that you will have difficulty finding a job back home so you might want to rethink this major move for a "bird in the hand is worth two in the bush"!

[delajoonal]

Biggie25x...

 

LET me tell you from experience...IT will all be clearer when you are out on your own...being with the stbx everyday, day in and day out...it just making your more confused and an emotional basket case...

once you have some time and space between you both...YOU will then see outside of the box that you are currently running around in like a caged rat..

 

i did the same thing, until this 3rd and final time i kicked out my cheater stbx ...and just within 7 days now..oh my gosh...my head is more clear than it has been in 2 months..since all this non-sense started...

 

you just need to be away from her to gain some perspective on YOU and your feelings, and life.

 

good luck:)