Author Biggie25x Posted March 30, 2009 Author Share Posted March 30, 2009 The whirlwind thoughts is the part that's toughest. I used to be in control of my thoughts. Now it's like they have a mind of their own and I can't figure out how to make them my own again. That's the toughest part. I mean one second everything is going well and than BAM I get hit with sorrow, guilt, grief or anger and bitterness. Nothing has prepared me to deal with crap like this. Link to post Share on other sites
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 The whirlwind thoughts is the part that's toughest. I used to be in control of my thoughts. Now it's like they have a mind of their own and I can't figure out how to make them my own again. That's the toughest part. I mean one second everything is going well and than BAM I get hit with sorrow, guilt, grief or anger and bitterness. Nothing has prepared me to deal with crap like this. What you are feeling is only natural... You should allow these emotions and thoughts to run their course - without allowing them to take over your life - otherwise they can break you down and destroy you! Everyone here says that with time, these feelings will subside. Best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Justanotherschmuck Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 You know what really happened on St. Pat's day don't you? She was with her new boyfriend, having so much fun, being spontanious, and flirty, having all her giddy feelings and she just couldn't break away... I mean he is just so appealing. This happenened to me, and to so many others before. It's not a new thing. At the times it happened to me I knew deep down there were serious problems, I chose not to face. Meeting those problems means it's the beginning of the end, even the thought hurts. Nobody blames you for looking the other way. Almost all of us did the same. The best way to begin to heal, whatever path you end up taking is to find out what's actually going on. Do your due dillegence. Get as much of the situation in focus as you can. While you have undoubtedly made mistakes in your marriage (who hasn't) it doesen't sound like those mistakes rose to the level of cheating on your wife. Her behaviour is a clear signal that she is already cheating on you. If's she's sharing her vagina with someone else, you need to know. It's just that simple. You are being gaslighted. Sure as gawd made little green apples. That, Lakeside, was an EXCELLENT post. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 The whirlwind thoughts is the part that's toughest. I used to be in control of my thoughts. Now it's like they have a mind of their own and I can't figure out how to make them my own again. That's the toughest part. I mean one second everything is going well and than BAM I get hit with sorrow, guilt, grief or anger and bitterness. Nothing has prepared me to deal with crap like this. Keep busy. What makes you tick? Remember what you were like before your relationship? Find that person. Connect to family, friends, and loved ones. Get out there. Start working out. Stay busy! Those emotions are you coming off your emotional/chemical dependence of your marriage. Let logical thought be your guide right now. Give it time and stay busy! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Biggie25x Posted March 30, 2009 Author Share Posted March 30, 2009 Thank you, again everyone. Posting here and in other threads for other people is more helpful than just about everything else other than exercise right now. I appreciate all the advice everyone has given me, even though we're complete strangers. Hopefully, as this process goes on I can call everyone friends and in time help the "newbies" like me. It's amazing to me how many of these stories are the same and reading them has given me a ton of insight about my own situation. It has been painful at times to read in someone elses thread something wrong that you may have done or have done to you, but ultimately I think (think) this is part of the healing process. Part of how you find the good out of this situation and grow as a human being. Thank you, Biggie25x Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 I am not trying to "make" her love me or do anything else. What I'm trying to do is have her realize that there is love there but it's buried under other emotions. It takes two working together to realize and uncover it on both sides. What I'm saying is if everyone took your advice to end it when it gets tough than no marriage would ever last. I don't think she's cheating and have done measures to find out. I could always be wrong but I don't think so in this case. I think she's receiving bad advice form her best friend to end it rather than work on it. I think she'll look back eventually and realize what SHE had and regret giving it up. I know I will. But I'll also know I did whatever I could to work on the marriage and to try to work it out. To me that's what I meant when I said "for better or worse". You have to hold on when the times are tough and know you'll find your way out. You promised each other not that there would be no tough times but that when the times were tough you'd weather it together. It takes two to bring a marriage to this point. I have scars as well as her. There are three choices, not two. One, divorce. Two, stay together like it was. Three, modify your actions and change your patterns together. Work on it together. As long as you both try nothing is dead. I have been told before that I'm hopelessly naive. Impossible to make someone feel love by convincing or arguing them to see your perspective. You have to start agreeing, mental judo. "You were a bad husband!". by wayward spouse. "Yeah, I could see why you would feel that way." should be your response. There are effective methods at trying to make your marriage work and ineffective methods. Use what works, based on results. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Thank you, again everyone. Posting here and in other threads for other people is more helpful than just about everything else other than exercise right now. I appreciate all the advice everyone has given me, even though we're complete strangers. Hopefully, as this process goes on I can call everyone friends and in time help the "newbies" like me. It's amazing to me how many of these stories are the same and reading them has given me a ton of insight about my own situation. It has been painful at times to read in someone elses thread something wrong that you may have done or have done to you, but ultimately I think (think) this is part of the healing process. Part of how you find the good out of this situation and grow as a human being. Thank you, Biggie25x Bigs, IMO, you are way ahead of the game. I was divorce for 5+ years when I found LS, completely by accident. Those first couple of months were amazing. I saw everything that had happened to me happening to others. My situation was no different from so many others. I wasn't a lepper and a dumbass. Sure I was blind, sure I hurt, no shame in those things. For years after my divorce I had feelings of being inadaquate. None of use begin the recovery process with the info you get here. I couldn't discuss my feeling with friends, I didn't want to become a wimp in their eyes. Ditto family, I'd outlived most of them already, and I didn't burden my chillin's. LoveShack changed all of that. In just a couple of months I understood what had happened to me in ways I would have never been able to on my own. Use the wisdom you find here. You are not a helpless, hopeless dupe. You are reacting like the vast majority of us did. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Biggie25x Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 I don't know what to think now. I decided to take TrustinYourself's advice on another thread on how to regain your self-respect and went 180 on wife for past couple of days. Last night she came in all happy asking how my day was etc. I was distant but not cold. A little while later she said she was sorry for being a bad wife to me. I just looked at her and nodded (my Dad's advice) I went into the bedroom I am using early and decided to read and talk on this forum. A little while later she comes in and asks me what was wrong. I looked at her and said what do you think? Is she messing with me? Looking to ease her guilt for wanting the Divorce? Looking to get back together? I can't seem to figure it out. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 I don't know what to think now. I decided to take TrustinYourself's advice on another thread on how to regain your self-respect and went 180 on wife for past couple of days. Last night she came in all happy asking how my day was etc. I was distant but not cold. A little while later she said she was sorry for being a bad wife to me. I just looked at her and nodded (my Dad's advice) I went into the bedroom I am using early and decided to read and talk on this forum. A little while later she comes in and asks me what was wrong. I looked at her and said what do you think? Is she messing with me? Looking to ease her guilt for wanting the Divorce? Looking to get back together? I can't seem to figure it out. Trying to read someone else's mind is impossible and wasting your energy. Hard as it is to concentrate on other things that's what you have to do. Work on yourself, find ways to be as happy as you can doing what you need and want to do for yourself. Try to act cheerful yet aloof. Yep you might deserve an Oscar if you can pull it off right now but keep trying. Fake it 'till you make it. Currently you're hurt, confused, angry and all of those things but you're going to be just fine whatever happens even if you can't see that right now you have to believe it because it is true. Just remind yourself. I can handle this. I'll be just fine with or without her. I don't need her to have a good life though right now I'd prefer that she stick around. What she doesn't want someone else out there is dying to find. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Biggie25x Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 Thanks, Sumdude. You're right. Sometimes I need a kick in the ass. It's not worth me thinking about. I have made my case, she knows where I stand and she knows I want to work on it. It's up to her to come to me. I need to stay positive, stay polite, and follow the whole 180 thing. Maybe it will work or maybe it won't but I have to protect myself. I'll fake it until I believe it. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Thanks, Sumdude. You're right. Sometimes I need a kick in the ass. It's not worth me thinking about. I have made my case, she knows where I stand and she knows I want to work on it. It's up to her to come to me. I need to stay positive, stay polite, and follow the whole 180 thing. Maybe it will work or maybe it won't but I have to protect myself. I'll fake it until I believe it. Just remember this about the 180 thing. You're doing it for yourself to regain control of your life, your self respect and attitude regardless of what happens with your wife and marriage. Good luck and keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Right on, sum. Be careful about being aloof or distant. It's a fine line, but you can already see some minor changes. Just stay positive and do not punish her with comments like, "What do you think?". That's a window into your soul that you should not share with her at this time. Let her wonder. If you do respond to her inquiries, try and be upbeat or at the least neutral. Emotions are going to be powerful forces that you have to deal with personally. Things are going to get worse before they get better. Stay positive! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Biggie25x Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 I will and I'll take the advice everyone offered. I have to remember the rule don't believe anything you hear or half of what you see. Thats powerful at this point. I am doing this whole 180 thing for myself. I think this is something I need to do to be comfortable with myself. With or without her. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Keep at it, because it sounds like she doesnt know what she wants!!! the 180 kicks ass! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Biggie25x Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 I agree that she doesn't know what she wants but I have no choice but to go on what she's told me though so I am going to continue plans to move on. I leave to drive back home Tues 14th or wed 15th. I hope I can show her I want to and am going to be making changes in my life one way or another. I was loosing myself, who I was and what I wanted to do in the constant arguments. I don't want to allow that to happen again so I am going to do the steps people recommend to heal and grow from the experience. I only have the power to change myself and forgive others. I have to live that. I need some self respect and self confidence back. If this helps (and people says it does) than this is something I can do. It is contrary to everything I feel at the moment but sometimes I think you need your head to lead your heart and not the other way around. One way or another I am going to find a better me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Biggie25x Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 Why is it I say all this but I don't feel it? I sound like I have my ducks in a row but I have incredible turmoil inside? I feel like my emotions are a raging roller coaster and I'm just along for the ride. I guess this is the fake it until you make it part. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Biggie25x Posted April 1, 2009 Author Share Posted April 1, 2009 I am still doing the 180 thing, I think it's going well for me at least. I feel much better today and am actually starting to look forward to the future. I don't know about her but it seems to be working for me at least. With her it's been....distant. We come home after work, she says hi and than she goes into her room to watch tv. We don't say much through out the night other than maybe update each other on which bills we paid or got out of each others names. I don't know if the 180 thing is working but you guys said it will get worse before it gets better. I'll stick with it if for nothing else because it's helping me learn how to deal with the situation and protect myself. I am starting to wonder what I'd do if she wanted to get back together. I am starting to realize the messed up stuff she's put me through and I just don't know if I can trust her enough to "let her in" again. I mean I did everything but beg to try to convince her to work it out and to make it work and she said no I quit. I don't know if I can trust her again after that. I could have never done that to someone I loved if the situation were reversed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Biggie25x Posted April 2, 2009 Author Share Posted April 2, 2009 yesterday was my birthday. It was a pretty good day. It was busy at work so I could keep my mind on other things finally. I didn't really talk to the wife. She came home at about 10:30 and I was reading in bed. I found out this morning she texted me happy birthday at about 11:15 last night. She's going to have to do better than that I think. The whole 180 thing is working wonders for me. I feel like I am reagaining a little of my self respect back. I hope it continues to work for me. I don't know. What do you guys think? Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted April 2, 2009 Share Posted April 2, 2009 yesterday was my birthday. It was a pretty good day. It was busy at work so I could keep my mind on other things finally. I didn't really talk to the wife. She came home at about 10:30 and I was reading in bed. I found out this morning she texted me happy birthday at about 11:15 last night. She's going to have to do better than that I think. The whole 180 thing is working wonders for me. I feel like I am reagaining a little of my self respect back. I hope it continues to work for me. I don't know. What do you guys think? Just keep at it, sounds like you're doing pretty well. You'll likely hit some backslides and bad days but you are the only one you can really count on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Biggie25x Posted April 3, 2009 Author Share Posted April 3, 2009 I need your advice again. I was talking with the STBXW last night and she said someone mentioned to her seperation rather than divorce. That kinda came out of left field because all the conversations before that were about how she wanted a divorce and I offered everything to seen if there was any way to work it out. Since she said there was no chance of reconciliatin I quit my job (I'm training my repacemant as we speak) and my dad got plane tickets so he can drive across the country with my when I move back home on the 14th. I would have talked about seperation before but she said there was no chance of reconciliation so I tried to moved on. She said she really wasn't that insistant on the divorce and that once she said it I moved quickly to make plans on my end. I know she was insistant on the divorce and was adamant on there being nothing we could do to work it out. That she thought of everything and she didn't think anything would work. I didn't really have much else to do as she said she wanted to end it as quickly as possible. I even told her when I was giving notice last Fri and that my boss gave me the weekend to think it out and to let him know my final answer on Mon. She didn't stop me from any of it. Is she playing games with me or what. Should I think about working on it bacause I don't know if I can trust her to not do this again when the times got tough. I changed my life around because she quit and decided not to work on it anymore. I mean I quit what was for all intents and purposes my dream job and one that I was happy in for the first time in 9 years. Seperation just isn't really in the cards anymore. I have no job anymore and it may be awhile before I can find another one. I have no family out here to rely on so it's just what I can do and my reserves are slim to none. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted April 3, 2009 Share Posted April 3, 2009 Biggie, my guess she's getting cold feet because her BF's telling her she's "moving to fast". That happened to me and others I know. She's so use to being in charge that she's only capable trying to move this divorce at her pace. Your acceptance, and the steps you've taken have come as a suprise. If she wants to be seperated fine. Tell her the two of you will have time to be "seperate" until the divorce is final. If she has some other plan, she has your number / knows where you are going to live. Your situation is not untypical. Happens often. Link to post Share on other sites
SRV Posted April 3, 2009 Share Posted April 3, 2009 Biggie, my guess she's getting cold feet because her BF's telling her she's "moving to fast". That happened to me and others I know. She's so use to being in charge that she's only capable trying to move this divorce at her pace. Your acceptance, and the steps you've taken have come as a suprise. If she wants to be seperated fine. Tell her the two of you will have time to be "seperate" until the divorce is final. If she has some other plan, she has your number / knows where you are going to live. Your situation is not untypical. Happens often. This is the best bet of probably what's going on. In addition to that, she's getting her ducks in a row incase her bf does not come through, she will be better prepared/positioned for the divorce and what she may get out of it being newly "single" or in a relationship with him. I would proceed with your plans, at this point, she is stringing you along. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Biggie25x Posted April 3, 2009 Author Share Posted April 3, 2009 I have had no choice but to accept and I think it has been easier because of this forum. It's helps me gain perspective. I am worried about that as well. I have tried as much as I could/can to find out if there is an OM but haven't been able to find anything. It is always in the back of my mind, though, as it's one of the only rational explanations for her behavior. One way or another I don't want to be the back up plan and I don't want to be married becasue she's afraid of her decision. I mean I'm scared to death, in the matter of 3 weeks I'm getting a divorce, quiting my job and moving 2200 miles a way. BUT I know I can and will survive and thrive. I may not want to be divorced but when do you have to start looking out for YOU and not US. I am having a hard time with this as I took vows to try no matter what. Do you think I should stick with my plans to move. What should I do if she really does want to talk about seperation. My family thinks that she needs to come to me and make it known to me that she wants to work on it as much as I do. Link to post Share on other sites
SRV Posted April 3, 2009 Share Posted April 3, 2009 With the divorce rates at 50% for first marriages, odds increase to 70% for second, go figure how much those vows mean anymore. Long gone are the days when you seal a deal with a gentleman's handshake, your word was your bond. LSD can chime in more on that. I would proceed with the plans to move. At least you will have a support system back home. If and when she ever feels ready, she needs to move where you are located. Once bitten, twice shy, you now know the kind of person you are dealing with. Who's to say she will not do it the second time around? You have maintained a positive attitude and outlook on your situation, it will carry you through despite this storm. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Biggie25x Posted April 3, 2009 Author Share Posted April 3, 2009 Thanks guys, that's kinda how I feel about it too. I want it to work and am scared for single life but I also know she needs to start showing me she wants to be with me too. That she loves me and wants to make me happy and work on it too. I don't know. It seems to be a hard thing to wrap my mind around. Nothing has prepared me to go through this crap. Link to post Share on other sites
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