I am having a hard time "she loves me but not in love"

[Biggie25x]

Well it has been a while since I posted and I figured I needed to give an update. It has been a crazy month. I have filled out the paperwork online to get a divorce, filed it with the courthouse with her (if she wants it I'll be damned if I will let her dictate the terms or time frame), quit my job, drove across the country back to the tri-state area, moved in with my parents, found a full-time temp job and am looking for more permanent work.

 

To say it's been crazy is an understatement. It is good though. I get to see my brother every day and I can catch up and see family all the time. I got to see my other brother sing in his 6th grade choir. I have regained contact with several old high school buddies and it is great to see them.

 

I sometimes (most of the time) think of her but I catch glimmers of hope and am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The advice I have gotten her has been invaluable. Going NC has been hard and we did talk twice since I left but not for the past 10 days. I can honestly say I think it's easier not talking to her. Its a hard thing but I have really said all there is for me to say. There is no magic bullet of getting back together. All talking does is make her feel better. It leaves me feeling like crap and makes me hold on to the hope of getting back together.

 

I now know what everyone meant by it gets better. It is slowly doing that and I even have moments where I am genuinely, happy. I think when I find a place and a better job I will finally start being able to move on with my life.

 

I hope I will be able to help with others going through this situation. I think that's part of my healing process too. I don't know. Like I tell people who ask me....ask me again in a few months. It's been a wild ride and I am just rolling with it.

[PWSX3]

I know your W was the one that wanted the divorce or should I say wasn't "in love" with you anymore and you really wanted to make it work.

 

Now that some time has passed what are your feelings of wanting to make your marriage work??????

 

I know for me I wanted my marriage to work & I knew it could, but once she filed it was over for me.....Three weeks before it was final she emailed me wondering if that was what God wanted her to do. I just emailed her back & said; at this time I was not willing to work on it anymore.

 

So I was just wondering how your felt now that you are down the road....Oh isn't that roller coaster ride a hoot!!!!!

[Biggie25x]

Oh, what a ride is was and still is to a certain point. Unless you have gone through it you can't describe it. Especially when you have been together for a while. People who have never been through it look at me like I'm crazy when I tell them that but it's funny, people who have been divorced know exactly what I'm talking about.

 

I think at this point I would still work it out but we both would need to do a lot of changing. I have had a little time to work on me and to see some of the messed up things we have both done to get to where we are. She chose to not work on it anymore. That is tough for me, I mean we took a vow to work on everything together. I don't really know what she could say that would convince me to go back but I know if it was heart felt I would. I wasn't lying when I said I was willing to move mountains to make it work.

 

HOWEVER, I would have to have some assurances that she really wanted me back and not the comfort of having a husband with all the security it brings. That she sincerely wanted to work on the relationship and takes it as seriously as I do. I have been through some tough crap and I don't really want to do that again.

 

At this point I think I would have a better chance of....well I don't know what but it is pretty slim. I have gained a certain strength through all this and I can see past the emotions to what I need in a relationship. I don't view life as naively as I once did. I have also seen my faults and I try to work on them everyday.

 

So to answer your question, for all practical purposes I would not take/go back to the marriage the way it was.

[Gunny376]

What I would recommend you do is to seriously take this time and seriously take this time to evaluate your life and where you've been, where your at, and where you want to be in your life.

 

There IS life after divorce, and life does go on. And despite your current pain and issues that you are confronted with you will given time improvise, adapt and over-come.

 

But, your going to have to work at it, and your going to have to work at it daily.

 

You need to set yourself some personal goals. You need to ask yourself, "Where do I want to be mentally, emotionally, physically, financially a week from now? A month from now? Six months from now, a year from now? Five years from now?

 

Now is the time to educate yourself about interpersonal relationships and about personal finance ~ the two most important areas of our lives which are not even discussed let alone taught in our formal (not to mention in-formal) education system and the reason so many find our personal and financial lives in the mess which they are.

 

The beauty of the Internet, and such forums as Love Shack, is that people such as myself whom have been through Life thus far as I've experienced it to date ~ can pass my wisdom, knowledge and experience on to people such as yourself.

 

The single best bit of advice that I can give you is to slow down. People are trying to live a lifetime in a second.

 

Now is the time to do a "brain-dump" of all the crap that you've learned thus far to date? Why? Because its not working for you. If you keep on doing the same things you've been doing ~ you're going to keep getting the same results. One of the definitions of insanity is to keep on doing the same thing over and over and over ~ all the while expecting different results from the ones that you've been getting. Think out-side of the box.

 

When it comes to inter-personal relationships your going to have to dump the supplicating, demasculinized version of what a man is suppose to be and get back to the true and tried version of what a man is suppose to be? (I know that sounds crazy ~ but we've had Holly weird and the Feminizes dump all this propaganda down our throats about getting in touch with our feminine side and being more sensitive and politically correct! Forget that! Man-up!)

 

Your going to have to re-build yourself from the ground up, and in that vein I would suggest your read the e-book by Carlos Xuma titled "Secrets of the AlphaMale"

 

From the personal finance end of the conversation I would recommend Mary Hunt's "Debt Proof Living"

 

Both have web-sites by the same name or you can Google their names and net the same results.

[Admiral]

. I have tried everything I know to win her back with tears in my eyes and a sincere desire to change but nothing seems to work.

You don't win women back. Totally the wrong mentality to have.

 

If the woman ends the relationship, there's nothing you can do.

 

I want to save our marriage as I think it's salvageable. The problem is she doesn't.

It's not. Even if you did get back together (not going to happen), she wouldn't respect you. You've put her on a pedestal named Mt. Everest.

 

How can you love someone but not be in love with them?

It's sugarcoated girl code for "I'm not attracted to you anymore."

 

I have tried all I know to do but don't want to give up. Any advice would be great. Thank you.

Let it go. For a relationship to be salvageable, you have to have initiated the break up.

[Owl]

I'm curious...did you ever find evidence of cheating or not?

[peace49]

I understand ur situation now, I used to be in ur status now. I am 27 and divorced, I see the misery when u are getting to be divorce, so horrible. I wanna give u some advice, but actually, I dont know what really happened with u and ur wife. U can tell me? then I think I give u some experiences from my breaking.

 

Hope ur life better, u can contact me through email :[email protected]

see u

[Chrome Barracuda]

i understand ur situation now, i used to be in ur status now. I am 27 and divorced, i see the misery when u are getting to be divorce, so horrible. I wanna give u some advice, but actually, i dont know what really happened with u and ur wife. U can tell me? Then i think i give u some experiences from my breaking.

 

Hope ur life better, u can contact me through email :[email protected]

see u

 

wtf????

 

????

[Biggie25x]

Chrome, I have no idea what that was either. Owl, as much as I looked I found no evidence of her cheating. I think it's just a lack of character and the fact that she/we had no idea how to make a relationship work. Rather than working on it she decided to end it. You know the whole "relationships shouldn't be that hard" bit. If that was the case everyone who has been married for 20-30 years wouldn't say it was the hardest thing they ever did. I think she was getting bad advice from friends to end it rather than work on it. If that's how she wants to be than screw her I'm better off in the long run without her.

[Biggie25x]

Well, I had an interesting phone conversation with the STBX tonight. She called and said that all these little things were making her miss me and making her want to know what was going on in my life.

 

She hinted during the conversation that she might want to work on it and I would stay silent and than she would say that that wasn't what she said. She was also trying to deny things she said to me during the split.

 

WTF. Why? Better yet, why did I let myself get sucked back. I should have told her I couldn't talk and went on with my night. Instead I spent another night telling her what I thought marriage was. And listening to her tell me how easy some people have it. That it shouldn't take all this hard work and effort. That fairytales really do exist.

 

She seemed to be playing games with me. Of course she denied it. Maybe she even thaught she wasn't. To me she was.

 

WTF? I was making progress and this seemed to set me back a little. Not as bad as I thought but back none the less.

 

Why would she call out of the blue like that? Doesn't she realize that's what it means to be divorced? That we no longer share a life. That we can't just be friends.

 

I think the dumping spouses are crazy. Being friends makes her/them feel better but F@#$'s me up. I wouldn't/can't accept her apology. If she was that sorry, not for herself but for me, than she would want to work it out.

 

Right?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Well, I had an interesting phone conversation with the STBX tonight. She called and said that all these little things were making her miss me and making her want to know what was going on in my life.

 

She hinted during the conversation that she might want to work on it and I would stay silent and than she would say that that wasn't what she said. She was also trying to deny things she said to me during the split.

 

WTF. Why? Better yet, why did I let myself get sucked back. I should have told her I couldn't talk and went on with my night. Instead I spent another night telling her what I thought marriage was. And listening to her tell me how easy some people have it. That it shouldn't take all this hard work and effort. That fairytales really do exist.

 

She seemed to be playing games with me. Of course she denied it. Maybe she even thaught she wasn't. To me she was.

 

WTF? I was making progress and this seemed to set me back a little. Not as bad as I thought but back none the less.

 

Why would she call out of the blue like that? Doesn't she realize that's what it means to be divorced? That we no longer share a life. That we can't just be friends.

 

I think the dumping spouses are crazy. Being friends makes her/them feel better but F@#$'s me up. I wouldn't/can't accept her apology. If she was that sorry, not for herself but for me, than she would want to work it out.

 

Right?

 

She's doing it because that's what people that dump others do.

 

I'd say continue with 180 and stay with NC. I mean if she doesnt apologize what's the point? Have you guys divorced? Either your married or your not, you arent gonna be her friend well at least right now.

 

It's a crazy situation but if she isnt coming back for the right reasons then what's the point?

[skywriter]

Biggie,

 

It's great that your life is heading in a better direction, with you relocating, getting a job, and best of all the family and friends. You're able to heal now.

 

Interestingly enough, what should happen, but the STXW, calls.

 

Tread softly, do not let her throw a wrench in all your efforts to move on.

 

You don't need for her to make your decision on weather or not you move on. You already are....and rather well.

 

By the way Gunny gave you some brilliant advice....Be smart....

 

Oh, and by the way, your W, sounds very immature and easily impressionable. When two adults are commited to one another, no "friend" in the world is going to influence their marriage. Even better still, a true friend wouldn't be trying to.

[Biggie25x]

It's a crazy situation. You guys are right though I don't want to go back just because she got cold feet. If she wants to try to fix it I have made it clear time and again I am willing to work on it. If she can't make up her mind than she doesn't really love me.

 

It sucks and it hurts but I have to move on with my life. If she chooses to live in the past thats her problem. I have to worry about the future. I have to try to move on.

 

It's just hard when I talk to her. All the old emotions come back. It's hard to think clearly when I talk to her but I try the best I can. She says she understands why we can't be friends but I don't believe her. I think she wants to stay friends because it makes her feel less guilty. It screws me all up though.

 

It's hard though. I can't let her steal all my hard won progress. That I know. If she wants to make a go of it she needs to state it loud and clear to me. If not the rest is crap.

 

I know this. It's just hard to convince myself of that when I hear her voice.

 

Thanks guys the advice you give is invaluable and helps keep me on the path.

[Gunny376]

Its really this simple:

 

These are the conditions by which I need you to meet, and if you can't then I wll find myself someone who can and will!

[Biggie25x]

Yeah, I feel the same way. That's why I didn't push the matter. She decided to end it. If she wants it back she needs to say it to me loud and clear. None of this hum and ha crap.

 

Until than all I can say is NEXT.

[seibert253]

Yeah, I feel the same way. That's why I didn't push the matter. She decided to end it. If she wants it back she needs to say it to me loud and clear. None of this hum and ha crap.

 

Until than all I can say is NEXT.

 

That's the spirit. I think you need to celebrate. Tip one back for me.

[Biggie25x]

Well, the divorce was final yesterday. It was one of the hardest days I have ever been through. It was one of those days where I couldn't believe it was actually happening to me. I was numb and have been ever since.

 

It seems that I was getting along well there for a while and than BAM I am back to where I was in the first place. It is a struggle to make it through the day.

 

We talked yesterday and she gave me the line that she didn't view at as an end and that she wasn't closing any doors with the divorce. That if we were meant to be together than love would find a way to make it so. WTF is that all about? It would have been easier if she went back to telling me she didn't want anything to do with me.

 

I don't know, we have been together for so long and at such a young age I have never really been on my own without her. I don't really know how to start or what to do. I don't know how to be an adult and single at the same time. I liked being married, it was who I was. How do you start over from there?

[seibert253]

The gym is a great place to meet women. Supermarkets are another. Just go up and start a conversation. Takes balls, but you'll know in 10 seconds if she's interested or your wasting your time.

 

Others have found success on internet sites, but there's also the horror stories.

 

Happy hunting my friend.

[mark982]

she's tring to play games w/ your head about divorce, to ease her quilt

[Chrome Barracuda]

WTF? I would just hang up on the damn dingbat, she had the chance to change things while you was married.

 

The fact of the matter is she got what she wanted, now you have to live your life in the pursuit in the things that you want!

 

And leave her alone. go limited NC with her.

[Biggie25x]

I try but I have this little hope in the back of my head that we will get back together. I know this is not going to happen, I mean we live on opposite sides of the country now but it's still there.

 

NC is hard. I have been trying to do that but I go a couple of weeks and just want to talk to her. It makes me feel like **** after I do to.

 

Thanks for posting here, it helps a ton.

[TrustInYourself]

I think there is a chance for anything to happen, Biggie.

 

Now you have to focus on finding out who you are as an individual. Take away the past and live for now and the future. It takes a lot of strength and commitment to move forward in your life after losing someone you trust and love so much. Its not easy to let go of something that defines who you are as a person. You are just going to have to take actions to prove that you love yourself more than her.

 

Its hard, but not impossible. The hardest part is deciding to move forward, to not allow someone elses mistake, dictate who you are. She lost out on a terrific person and thats her fault, not yours.

 

I am here for you man, as well as others. Keep living life for your own happiness. Best wishes.

[Gunny376]

The first thing you should do is go ahead and get the pity party out of the way! Get drunk, listen to some country music, (you'll "get it" for the first time! I would go with the 'hard-corps' stuff ~ George Jones and such. The kind that just makes you want to jump off a cliff) Just make sure you've got some friends around to keep the car keys out of your hand and to keep you from getting too stupid.

 

I would recommend you go with Bloody Mary's! Except substitute V8 for tomato juice! Its helps with the hangover the next morning!

 

Make sure you feel good and sorry for yourself, cry your ever-loving eyes out!

 

I'd even go so far as becoming a drunken wino laying in the ditch in the rain puking all and 'soiling' myself somewhere?

 

This is all done just to get your 'self-respect' back!

 

Once you've done that?

 

Pick yourself up, dust yourself all and get busy living your life!

 

You've got 'one-ittis' and somewhere or the other you've got it in your head that this gal is the proverbial "one and only" and that your going to be caught up in the 'Great Puzzy Famine' of all time?

 

Somewhere you got it in your head that this little gal is all that you can find? That she was the best you could find? Where in the Hell did you get that in your head?

 

People come and people go, NO one monkey makes a show!

 

There's no shortage of men and women in the world. The world is covered up with them. There is a shortage of good men and women though!

 

I posted a profile on a dating website just for kicks and giggles, without a picture, and I get e-mails everyday just because of the profile I wrote?

 

People ~ women don't care about you because you're you! They care about you because of the way that you make them feel.

 

I saw a former boss the other weekend in ChinaMart (WalMart). I HATE this SOB! But he's got such great social skills, he greets me, leans into me to shake my hand, yada, yada ~ I actually felt good about having seeing him, (still remember he was a SOB to work for though :mad: :mad: )

 

Your still young my friend, This is the end of your marriage ~ not your Life!

 

Get out there and get busy living your life, and put this behind you.

 

The truth about me is that I got married when I was 22 and divorced when I was 33.

 

I lacked the social skills, the communication skills, the knowledge, the experience, the comprehension, the understanding, the education to make a marriage work?

 

Most of do! Its not formally taught anywhere. I've studied inter-personal relationships, communication, cross-gender communication, romance, seduction, body-language, speech, massage and yes even sex.

 

I can tell you from such?

 

Quit beating yourself up!

 

If you knew now at your age what you knew at ninety? You would have made half the mistakes you're going to make in Life!

 

Now get to working on your own personal "self-improvement" plan and become the best person, individual that you can become!

 

She had her chance, and now its time for YOU!

 

I want to see you sweating some 'piss N vinegar" out of your veins! I want to see you sweat for it, slave for it, want it, desire it, pray for it, beg for it!

 

To become the best person you can become!

 

Not for her!

 

But for YOU!

[WTFO]

The first thing you should do is go ahead and get the pity party out of the way! Get drunk, listen to some country music, (you'll "get it" for the first time! I would go with the 'hard-corps' stuff ~ George Jones and such. The kind that just makes you want to jump off a cliff) Just make sure you've got some friends around to keep the car keys out of your hand and to keep you from getting too stupid.

 

I would recommend you go with Bloody Mary's! Except substitute V8 for tomato juice! Its helps with the hangover the next morning!

 

Make sure you feel good and sorry for yourself, cry your ever-loving eyes out!

 

I'd even go so far as becoming a drunken wino laying in the ditch in the rain puking all and 'soiling' myself somewhere?

 

This is all done just to get your 'self-respect' back!

 

Once you've done that?

 

Pick yourself up, dust yourself all and get busy living your life!

 

You've got 'one-ittis' and somewhere or the other you've got it in your head that this gal is the proverbial "one and only" and that your going to be caught up in the 'Great Puzzy Famine' of all time?

 

Somewhere you got it in your head that this little gal is all that you can find? That she was the best you could find? Where in the Hell did you get that in your head?

 

People come and people go, NO one monkey makes a show!

 

There's no shortage of men and women in the world. The world is covered up with them. There is a shortage of good men and women though!

 

I posted a profile on a dating website just for kicks and giggles, without a picture, and I get e-mails everyday just because of the profile I wrote?

 

People ~ women don't care about you because you're you! They care about you because of the way that you make them feel.

 

I saw a former boss the other weekend in ChinaMart (WalMart). I HATE this SOB! But he's got such great social skills, he greets me, leans into me to shake my hand, yada, yada ~ I actually felt good about having seeing him, (still remember he was a SOB to work for though :mad: :mad: )

 

Your still young my friend, This is the end of your marriage ~ not your Life!

 

Get out there and get busy living your life, and put this behind you.

 

The truth about me is that I got married when I was 22 and divorced when I was 33.

 

I lacked the social skills, the communication skills, the knowledge, the experience, the comprehension, the understanding, the education to make a marriage work?

 

Most of do! Its not formally taught anywhere. I've studied inter-personal relationships, communication, cross-gender communication, romance, seduction, body-language, speech, massage and yes even sex.

 

I can tell you from such?

 

Quit beating yourself up!

 

If you knew now at your age what you knew at ninety? You would have made half the mistakes you're going to make in Life!

 

Now get to working on your own personal "self-improvement" plan and become the best person, individual that you can become!

 

She had her chance, and now its time for YOU!

 

I want to see you sweating some 'piss N vinegar" out of your veins! I want to see you sweat for it, slave for it, want it, desire it, pray for it, beg for it!

 

To become the best person you can become!

 

Not for her!

 

But for YOU!

Holy Sh*T Gunny, I would want you as my PLT SGT any day. You motivate me. I'm going through this same B.S and your words speak volumes. Thanks!

[skywriter]

I recommend Patron (tequila of course) shots, with an ice cold long neck bottle of Bud Light to wash it down with.

 

Ahhh, it's Friday, may have to follow my own advice... cheers!