Wife wants a break...

[Campingman]

Hello. I don't normally go to places like this but I am so lost and don't know where to turn. My wife of 14 years has recently told me that she loves me but is not in love with me. Our life is in upheaval. We are currently building a new house and living with her mom during the construction process. I did not want to go there but she insisted. We never fight. (maybe 3-4 times in 16 years of knowing each other) Now, since we have been in limbo for 6+ months my wife says that she is indifferent and needs a break. We have 4 children ranging from 7 to 19 and I don't know what to do. She wants me to leave but I do not want to leave my kids. My attitude is that I love my family and she is the one who is having issues.... therefore she should leave even though it is her mothers house. I do not want separation. I love my wife and family to pieces. I have tried to get her to move to a rental house but she refuses. She won't go to counselling. We are very successful people in the business world. What to do??? Today is d-day....

[flash582]

I'm sorry that you have to go through this.

 

It took a long time for her to get to this point and, unfortunately, she's elected the boot rather than professional help.

 

You can't argue your way back in and Logic will mean nothing right now.

 

You only have one hope, in my opinion. Agree with her .... and ask her to help you find another place to live.

 

Don't Argue under any circumstances. Period.

 

This takes a tremendous amount of self discipline, but its the key point of this strategy. She's in love with negativity right now and anything you say will have NO effect.

 

So .... tell her you've thought about it, that she's absolutely correct .... and ask her if she can help you find another place.

 

It may take a few weeks or even months to come around, but if you use this central tenant, and don't argue ... but be strong. (don't let her have whatever she wants, for example, push for FAIRNESS if she wants to talk property settlement. DON'T talk about child support or custody at this point, PERIOD. Tell her that the attorneys will have to work all that out).

 

That's it. Smile a little sad smile, tell her you really hoped it would have worked out, then DON"T TALK ABOUT IT AGAIN.

 

She'll have to work it out in her own mind .... you can't do it, nor can anyone else.

[LakesideDream]

Second one of these threads started this morning, in this catagory. Sad...

 

I suppose "Spring has Sprung". We all know that ever lass's heart turns to love in the Springtime.

[Biggie25x]

Man, I feel for you. I am going through the same thing and have tried everything I know. The only thing I can think of is just to go on and accept what you have been given. There really is nothing else you can do. It's her choice. The person that cares least about the marriage is the one in control.

[Campingman]

thank you for your reply flash. Your suggestion is one that I have considered for some time now. It is more complicated than this however. My wife works for a lawyer, has been divorced before and knows her way around a court room. I really think she is lost. Our best friends are also building a house. The husband left his wife recently and his wife stirred the pot and brought my family into it. I defended my wife but also became bitter towards my best friend in the process. I don't know what to do. I want to save my marriage but also want to protect my interests at the same time in case things go south. My wife will take me to the cleaners. I make well over 6 figures. The money doesn't matter to me and I am willling and want toprovide for my family if it doesn't work however I still want to survive in the process. With the recession, my lucrative income will diminish 75%. I am lost in the headlights...

[CM2009]

Man, I feel for you. I am going through the same thing and have tried everything I know. The only thing I can think of is just to go on and accept what you have been given. There really is nothing else you can do. It's her choice. The person that cares least about the marriage is the one in control.

 

Sad to say but it's true, im going through the same crap, pretty much dude just give it time and hopefully she turns around

[Ronni_W]

My wife of 14 years has recently told me that she loves me but is not in love with me.

Sorry you are going through this.

Has your wife given you any clues as to what she feels is missing and/or when she believes it started to go missing? Unfortunately, if you don't know what's going on for her there is no way that you can even try to repair and "save" your relationship.

 

If she is unwilling or unable to share with you about her unhappiness and discontent, then it does necessitate you to start making your own strong and self-interested decisions and take appropriate action -- time to stop staring into those headlights that are causing you to feel "lost".

 

There is good info at marriagebuilders.com -- maybe you'll find something that can bring hope for something better to come out of all of this.

 

Hugs and best of luck.

[Darth Vader]

thank you for your reply flash. Your suggestion is one that I have considered for some time now. It is more complicated than this however. My wife works for a lawyer, has been divorced before and knows her way around a court room. I really think she is lost. Our best friends are also building a house. The husband left his wife recently and his wife stirred the pot and brought my family into it. I defended my wife but also became bitter towards my best friend in the process. I don't know what to do. I want to save my marriage but also want to protect my interests at the same time in case things go south. My wife will take me to the cleaners. I make well over 6 figures. The money doesn't matter to me and I am willling and want toprovide for my family if it doesn't work however I still want to survive in the process. With the recession, my lucrative income will diminish 75%. I am lost in the headlights...

 

 

I'm just wondering who the "other" guy is. You shouldn't have to pay for her affair. I would protect my assets if I were you, cancel any credit cards, and protect yourself from any debt that she may run up as long as this goes on.

[Campingman]

My wife is quick to forgive but never forgets. I am a faithful spouse with no bad habits to speak of. She mentioned once that I failed her in the protection department. Years ago, there used to be verbal altercations between her and my familiy. She is a spitfire girl and not afraid to express opinions. Anytime that I would give an opinion of my own, I would be told to back off. So as time went on.... I stayed out of it. Now it is coming back at me as I should have stepped in. That's it! I am a workoholic and work hard play hard. She was a stay at home mom. However, when I used to go out, I always invited her to come along. Always! She always declined. I know this seems selfish on my part but it wasn't a frequent thing. (going out). So here we are today..... she has since gone back to the workforce which I have no problem with. It seems like she is trying to regain all the years spent home back in one felled swoop and without me in it. It is simply out of character. She also just turned 40. And now she says she needs a break.

[Campingman]

I know all the signs are there Vader. Thanks for your opinion. I am not naive nor am I blind. I have confronted her (months ago) and of course made things worse.

 

I think she has contemplated it but hasn't followed through..... yet.

 

At any rate.... so lets say that is where this is going or for lack of arguments sake..... it is there. Now what?

 

If I want to resolve it and try and work on the marriage still.....what is the best plan of attack without making her run faster and adding more defense?

[troubadour]

Do not move out of your house! Period.

 

You should immediately talk to a good, experienced divorce lawyer... immediately... to evaluate your situation with him. You have to be realistic and prepare yourself for a divorce.

 

It is also very likely that there is another man in the picture... it would be a good idea to find out who it is. My "sophisticated" gess would be that her relationship with her employer may be a bit more than professional. If this is a case... take him to cleaners.

 

Unfortunately, there is not much you can do to fix your marriage if your wife is not interested in doing it. You cannot do it just by yourself..

 

Good luck.

[flash582]

Have you offered a vacation for just the two of you?

 

With the stress of building a new house and four kids to boot, well, it's easy for a marriage to get lost along the way.

 

And I'd talk to an attorney .... just to make sure you protect your rights.

[Campingman]

Its not her employer. He is older than dirt. Not even an option. Thanks though for lawyer advice.

[Darth Vader]

I know all the signs are there Vader. Thanks for your opinion. I am not naive nor am I blind. I have confronted her (months ago) and of course made things worse.

 

I think she has contemplated it but hasn't followed through..... yet.

 

At any rate.... so lets say that is where this is going or for lack of arguments sake..... it is there. Now what?

 

If I want to resolve it and try and work on the marriage still.....what is the best plan of attack without making her run faster and adding more defense?

 

 

Age 40? That's about the right age for this to happen, at least from what Gunny would say, about age 30 - 40, can be sooner, could be later. Anyway, you know it takes two to tango, she has to want to work on the marriage, you can't do it alone. If she doesn't want to go to MC, or work on the marriage, it's over. Have you suggested Marriage Counseling?

[Ronni_W]

I am a workoholic and work hard play hard. She was a stay at home mom. ...I know this seems selfish on my part

Not "selfish" so much as just unaware -- on both your parts, not just yours and not just hers.

 

Being a SAHM married to a hard-working, hard-playing workaholic is a difficult and tough thing...BUT it was also on her to communicate her needs, frustrations, etc. with you in a timely fashion, so you could have learned how to better support and nurture each other at times and in ways that the other needed and wanted.

 

It is sad how things can go so totally off-track despite our best intentions. Hugs.

[Campingman]

Thanks Flash. I like your opinions and advice.

 

Yes I have offered the time off clause. No go! And even if she said yes..... the kids would be coming along..... which I have no problem with btw. I understand the need for alone time and have also presented this to her in an attempt to work it out. She balks at everything. I am so frustrated. This is so out of character for me because I am the bull usually. We both have VERY stubborn traits about us but I realise all of this as well as my selfishness and am trying to make change. She will have none of it. She will discuss things but when I try to make her come forward with her position so I know where I stand.... she clams up. We don't yell at each other.... not ever. We just talk.... hash and rehash..... it goes nowhere.

[flash582]

A couple of other things ...

 

When a woman says that she loves you but she's not in love with you, it's never a good thing. However, being in love is really a choice, albeit a subconscious one.

 

What she's telling you is that you don't make her feel the way she wants to feel.

 

Either there is someone else, she's overwhelmed by life, you're not spending enough time together, etc.

 

Studies have proven that a man and woman must spend 20 hours a week, or more, in direct contact to be able to fall in love. That needs to be quality time together.

 

If she's not already too far down the path, you might suggest the following:

 

Still ... you have to agree with her feelings. Arguing or discussing your feelings only gives the appearance of you trying to tell her her feelings are wrong. This will NOT work.

 

You MUST agree with her feelings, at an emotional level.

 

Then you might suggest that you start dating again, one or two nights a week. Suggest that you take up an activity together, something she's interested in, I don't care if it's basketweaving or yoga, whatever she's interested in.

 

If it's too far gone, then tell her that you don't want to lose her friendship, even if she's not in love with you ... and suggest going out once a week or so, just as friends ... even lunch once a week is a start. Anything to start spending more time together ... even if it's a family night out with the two of you as friends instead of lovers.

 

she's telling you that you have to give her the right feelings to turn this around.

 

Consider that carefully brother. Don't ask a bunch of fool questions .... but you HAVE to figure out what you can do to give her the feelings she's looking for ..... then keep doing that.

 

Meanwhile ... don't fight her ..... start looking for a place ... and ask her to help you ... you know, what she thinks about location, decoration, furnishing, etc. Play this up. Make her KNOW that her opinions STILL matter to you.

 

IMPORTANT: And my wife is in agreement with this point. You will NOT win her back by staying. She will just dig her heels in and re-enforce her thoughts. She is too stubborn for that.

 

Go see a therapist on your own too .... someone that you can vent your frustration with. It will help you to stay on an even keel through this.

[Campingman]

Thanks for the input. If what you say is accurate, then I have done a hell of a lot of damage already by trying to get across my opinions of what ifs and what will happen etc.

 

She is an amazing woman. I think she is just overwhelmed right now by not being able to have a real place to call home while ours is being built. etc etc. Her response to that is that the damage goes back years before this ever happened and that we just "exist". I do know that her mind is elsewhere though. She acknowledged a month ago that she has become bitter, cold and just wants to be left alone. I don't know if that was just a ploy or the down right honest truth.

 

My main concern is the kids though. If I leave like she wants me too then how do they get through this? Lately I am the mom and the dad. She gets them to school in the mornings but I takeover when I get home from work as she is often working late or at class at night. I know that our schedules are so overloaded that we don't even come close to the 20 hr (maybe 2-3) per week. She won't give an inch. I guess I just have to learn to back off for now and watch her leave me in the dust....

[LakesideDream]

My wife is quick to forgive but never forgets. I am a faithful spouse with no bad habits to speak of. She mentioned once that I failed her in the protection department. Years ago, there used to be verbal altercations between her and my familiy. She is a spitfire girl and not afraid to express opinions. Anytime that I would give an opinion of my own, I would be told to back off. So as time went on.... I stayed out of it. Now it is coming back at me as I should have stepped in. That's it! I am a workoholic and work hard play hard. She was a stay at home mom. However, when I used to go out, I always invited her to come along. Always! She always declined. I know this seems selfish on my part but it wasn't a frequent thing. (going out). So here we are today..... she has since gone back to the workforce which I have no problem with. It seems like she is trying to regain all the years spent home back in one felled swoop and without me in it. It is simply out of character. She also just turned 40. And now she says she needs a break.

 

 

Mine was 44, she "needed space" after the youngest went out on his own. Oh... and she got space, the furniture, the 401k, and everything else she asked for. I was left with a fist full of air because I thought that it was a part of "manning up".

 

Now the BF has had years enjoying my stuff... and balling what I believed after 25 years was the last love I'd ever know. Didn't work out that way.

 

Don't be a sap like I was. Set limits that are fair ! Don't fall into the trap of giving away your life because you think you are the bigger person!

[Darth Vader]

Thanks for the input. If what you say is accurate, then I have done a hell of a lot of damage already by trying to get across my opinions of what ifs and what will happen etc.

 

She is an amazing woman. I think she is just overwhelmed right now by not being able to have a real place to call home while ours is being built. etc etc. Her response to that is that the damage goes back years before this ever happened and that we just "exist". I do know that her mind is elsewhere though. She acknowledged a month ago that she has become bitter, cold and just wants to be left alone. I don't know if that was just a ploy or the down right honest truth.

 

My main concern is the kids though. If I leave like she wants me too then how do they get through this? Lately I am the mom and the dad. She gets them to school in the mornings but I takeover when I get home from work as she is often working late or at class at night. I know that our schedules are so overloaded that we don't even come close to the 20 hr (maybe 2-3) per week. She won't give an inch. I guess I just have to learn to back off for now and watch her leave me in the dust....

 

Working late? Overtime? Is she putting in all hours worked? Classes? Those are 2 places that she could've met someone, who treats her different, unfortunately it's all for one thing.

 

 

She acknowledged a month ago that she has become bitter, cold and just wants to be left alone. I don't know if that was just a ploy or the down right honest truth.

 

Sounds like she was informing you of how she is feeling, and was warning of thereof.

[Campingman]

I am satisfied that she is doing what she says she is doing after hours. I have done my due diligence on this. I don't understand your last post Vader.

 

Is there anyone on here who has been down this road and turned this around? I am looking for positive feedback and positive solutions. I understand the reality of the situation I am in. I am looking for solutions on how to turn things around or how other people turned their similar situations around. Thanks

[LakesideDream]

I am satisfied that she is doing what she says she is doing after hours. I have done my due diligence on this. I don't understand your last post Vader.

 

Is there anyone on here who has been down this road and turned this around? I am looking for positive feedback and positive solutions. I understand the reality of the situation I am in. I am looking for solutions on how to turn things around or how other people turned their similar situations around. Thanks

 

 

In literally thousands of threads starting with "I need space" or "I love you but I'm not in love with you" I can't remember an outcome that lead to the parties getting back together. I'm sure it happened one or two times.

 

Frankly if getting back together is your definition of "positive", you are out of luck.

 

Hope you start feeling better.

[Chessy02]

Hi Campingman, I feel your pains in similar situation and appears I am reading my transaction with wife. Whilst you are looking for positive comments, it takes 2 to tango. If she wants out she wants out, period. I like the advice of Flash, but some posters here do opined that those in similar situation should go NC. So my take in this is having all the information available you are well equipped to deal with the situation, back off when necessary, and hope for a positive outcome.

 

It is a difficult situation we sometimes find ourselves, but what can one doo when the other party in the contract is refusing to play ball. Good luck and I hope it works out well.

[pelicanpreacher]

Thanks for the input. If what you say is accurate, then I have done a hell of a lot of damage already by trying to get across my opinions of what ifs and what will happen etc.

 

She is an amazing woman. I think she is just overwhelmed right now by not being able to have a real place to call home while ours is being built. etc etc. Her response to that is that the damage goes back years before this ever happened and that we just "exist". I do know that her mind is elsewhere though. She acknowledged a month ago that she has become bitter, cold and just wants to be left alone. I don't know if that was just a ploy or the down right honest truth.

 

My main concern is the kids though. If I leave like she wants me too then how do they get through this? Lately I am the mom and the dad. She gets them to school in the mornings but I takeover when I get home from work as she is often working late or at class at night. I know that our schedules are so overloaded that we don't even come close to the 20 hr (maybe 2-3) per week. She won't give an inch. I guess I just have to learn to back off for now and watch her leave me in the dust....

 

She's not only in the throes of an affair but is rewriting your marital history. Maybe you weren't perfect but guess what?...neither was she! Right now, while her thoughts have turned toward the other man make your plans to reveal the harsh realities of living without you. Do as LakeSide suggested and, with GOD's speed, protect the assets you worked so hard to accumulate. While smiling in her face secretly seek the counsel of a men's rights attorney and follow whatever advice you're given on that front to the letter. If indeed your marriage has ended you must approach divorce as any businessman dissolving a contractual partnership to get everything situated so that your wife is completely cornered and cut off from any options she currently has to bend you over a barrel. Since she is no longer a SAHM push for shared custody instead of joint so that you minimize your child support obligations while simultaneously achieving equal time to raise your children in your own home when you've completed construction. When you've gotten all of your ducks in a row inform your wife that you will be moving into that new home and will be taking the children to live with you while she will be marginalised for the rest of her life as her name will neither be spoken nor her existence acknowledged there! In parting, admit that you love her and think that she has been an amazing woman through the years but you'll do just fine without her so it matters not whether she stays or whether she goes and wish her the best of luck with her secret boyfriend!

[Darth Vader]

I am satisfied that she is doing what she says she is doing after hours. I have done my due diligence on this. I don't understand your last post Vader.

 

Is there anyone on here who has been down this road and turned this around? I am looking for positive feedback and positive solutions. I understand the reality of the situation I am in. I am looking for solutions on how to turn things around or how other people turned their similar situations around. Thanks

 

 

I was basically asking if her paycheck and hour worked add up. She could've met someone from either work, or school.

 

Good post Pelican.