Wife wants a break...

[flash582]

You're in a tough spot and there is NO easy path at this point.

 

I don't know your wife and I won't try to guess on why she's doing what she's doing.

 

I would agree with one thing. DON'T roll over. Go see an attorney TODAY if possible. You have to protect yourself if this thing goes South on you in a hurry.

 

The rest is all based on one simple concept. We always want what we can't have. If you are suddenly no longer a "sure" thing, her interest level will increase. Will it increase enough to overcome her negative feelings is a different question.

 

If it were me, and my wife told me to move out, I'd be out but I'd be dating again in less than a week and I'd make sure she caught me out on a date. Competition is a hell of an emotion for a woman.

 

However, I'm a bit reckless and, having gone through something very similar to what you're going through, I finally figured out how to turn it around. Unfortunately for her, I had already moved on emotionally before it turned.

 

When there are kids involved They almost always try to come back. Once they figure out that your moving out didn't fix what they're upset with, and they see you moving on, they try to come back, at least from what I've seen.

 

You can use that to your advantage if you play it right and play it really cool. You have to, at least pretend, to move on emotionally.

 

Lastly .. you need to learn to separate what you need from what you want. You don't Need this relationship, you prefer to keep it rather than lose it. That attitude will show on the outside ... it always does.

 

Walk with your head high .... you're still the same guy and believe it or not, the problem is hers, not yours .... it's just a lot easier to blame it on you.

 

Oh .... and the list of grievances that goes back years and years ... well, that's the way she's justified to herself that your bad and she can get rid of you without feeling guilty. It never works, but the more guilty she feels, the more she's going to blame it on you and the angrier she'll become. That's why the arguing thing never works .... it just makes her feel more guilty, and that has to be your fault, ergo, you're still the problem, therefore you need to go, and the vicious circle continues.

 

Breaking the cycle is the only way to possibly win .... Professional help can do this if both parties are open to it, which in this case, she isn't. So ... your challenge is to find some other way to break the cycle.

 

Please understand ... at this point you only have a 25% chance of saving the relationship. She's already a LONG way down this path before she ever talked to you about it. In her mind, you're already gone. Everything else is just the pain of the split.

 

YOU CAN NOT CHANGE HER MIND .... only she can do that and that will only happen if you play your cards right. So Stop playing the wrong game here and get on the right program, in my opinion.

 

Good luck brother.

 

Mark

[2sunny]

my guess is she is interested in someone else. you have not looked deep enough or hard enough to find the truth. you may not really want to face the truth.

 

look at everything! emails, get a keylogger, cell phone (incoming and outgoing text), listen to her voicemail messages, put a little voice activated recorder in her purse and car (they look like a pen or a lighter). check what she's spending money on. have someone follow her. i wouldn't rule out the possibility of anyone (especially the best friend's husband).

 

if things don't add up or make sense - there's a reason - and it's up to you to find out what it is.

 

get busy! when you have the truth - then we know what advice to give you. keep posting; and good luck.

[LovieDove24]

I always love Pelican Preachers advice. You should listen to it.

[seibert253]

"I need space", "I love you, but not in love with you", equals There's someone else.

Also, her blaming you for all the ill's that occurred is her rewriting your marital history. This makes her feel better when she's begins to feel guilty about what she's doing. I know you've stated you did some checking into the territory, but you may wish to dig deeper. If you havn't done so, hire a PI.

Lastly, if she wants to check out of your marriage, she's the one who checks out of the house, not you.

[Campingman]

Thanks all for the info. She has been trying to talk to me all weekend (I believe to set the wheels in motion) but I have avoided confrontation. I am seeking counsel today. Going for various opinions and to all the man-haters first to get advice so she can't beat me to the punch god forbid it goes that far.

[seibert253]

Good Luck to you Camping.

Let us know what's going on.

We're pulling for you man.

[Kasan]

Okay--

 

You do know that building a house is one of the most stressful things you can do to a marriage. It can shake the very foundation of the relationship.

 

I can relate as I have lived through this.

 

You said it so well, upheaval! Some of us deal with it better than others, and perhaps the stress of the building and living with her mom and the four kids is just too much.

 

I believe her when she says she wants a break. I think all she wants is her own kitchen, and her own space.

 

I won't even go into what our relationship was like when we were installing the tin ceiling.

 

There could be a possibility that the building is just overwhelming her and is just too much.

[Campingman]

I appreciate your insight. I know that the stress envelope has been magnified 50x. This is the third house we have built together and this has been the worst go to date. I know she is drowning and overwhelmed but she won't let me help or anyone else for that matter. I don't know what to do so I think at this point I have no choice but to cover my tracks and be prepared for irrational decisions. And all the while try not to mess up my kids in the process.

[2sunny]

i would like to ask what your mother in law says about the situation right now?

 

has she given you and/or your wife any input/advice?

 

and what exactly has your wife been trying to say to you all weekend? her words are key... do let us know so we have something to work off of.

[Campingman]

the mother in law stays out of it. She knows better.

 

To answer the other question.... I have been doing (what I thought was the right thing) by trying to work things out and figure out what to do to help my wife. She would never commit to anything or say much other than it was her problem and she would have to figure it out. I think that I may have pushed her too far down the Path. Anyways, this weekend's events were to give answers that I have been looking for. However, I have concluded that the answers she was about to give were the ones that could push everyone over the top so I have decided to lay low (not hide) and not push the matter anymore. In the meantime I have decided to get my ducks in a row in case of emergency.

[2sunny]

i have no idea what you meant to say... can you speak english please?

 

BE SPECIFIC! your vague approach isn't going to help you find solutions.

[imagine]

Fix your marriage first.

 

Everything else is just waste. Read the articles at marriagebuilders.com -why a woman leaves a man. Lots more to learn in those articles.

 

This woman is fed up with you. Ask her why - but listen very carefully with no interruptions. Do not try to win the argument. Learn to pay CAREFUL attention, woman don't always say exactly what they want.

 

Learn what EN's and POJA's are ... for any marriage.

[Justanotherschmuck]

I know all the signs are there Vader. Thanks for your opinion. I am not naive nor am I blind. I have confronted her (months ago) and of course made things worse.

 

I think she has contemplated it but hasn't followed through..... yet.

 

At any rate.... so lets say that is where this is going or for lack of arguments sake..... it is there. Now what?

 

If I want to resolve it and try and work on the marriage still.....what is the best plan of attack without making her run faster and adding more defense?

 

Sorry about all your hassles.

 

When the same old cliches and lines come out of your wifes mouth that are repeated over and over and over by numerous others on THIS site as well as OTHER sites, it's pretty much a given that she not only CONTEMPLATED "finding herself" she's pretty much arrived at her destination.

 

You make well over 6 figs. She's a stay at home. Youre building a new house, probably her "dream" house, No? Hello? No Einstein IQ needed here. Shes got someone else.

 

DOn't accuse. Snoop and find info.

 

I'm amazed at how TINY the percentage is of spouses who REALLY want to leave WITHOUT someone else. It happens, but so does being struck by lightning. I am ALSO amazed on how UNORIGINAL they all are when they are trying to explain WHY they want to leave.

 

If you find something, CUT HER OFF. I mean NO money. No food money, YOU ask what she wants and YOU shop. EVERY WORD out of her mouth will be a lie. Have you ever talked to a junkie? Same thing. All lies and all geared to getting the only thing that matters to them.

 

You may have contributed to her unhappiness. But the decision to have an affair is 100% hers.

 

Oh, as info comes out, you can pretty much bank on her admitting to an EA. DOn't believe it. I think EA are along the lines of Bigfoot.

[flash582]

how did it go today with council?

[Campingman]

Ok so I got advice today from council and the long and the short of it is I need to work things out WAY before they head to a courtroom. If she decides to be nasty, with Cndn laws I will owe her child support and spousal support which when added together is more than I bring in in a month. Doesn't matter if my profit sharing incentives go down the toilet. Average reported yearly income is used as a basis. There is no such thing as a shared custody. If it goes nasty.... my best shot is a mediator. I am getting 2 more opinions later this week.

 

So now I'm thinking I need to see a marriage counselor on my own to try and figure out how to talk her down from this thing.

 

Good to see how years of hard work and sincere love for someone pays off in the long run...... wtf

[flash582]

Hang in there man ......

 

With that info, you can't leave. You just Can't.

 

Great idea on trying to head it off ... just make sure you don't take everything they say as gospel .... you may have to see several councilors before you find one that you like.

 

Remember ... Don't argue. Focus on the kids. Do stuff with them to avoid in depth discussions until you figure your strategy out.

 

We're here for you if you need to vent your frustrations.

[Sassy]

My bil wife wanted to separate just like your wife , when it came down to it she was cheating with two men!! She didn't want couseling either , most the time when people aren't willing to work it out with couseling there is someone else . Someone else obviously gave her some type of attention and she liked it!! This happened to my brother in the same year as my bil .. It was someone else in both cases ! Why would someone all of the sudden want to leave after so many yrs?? Noone gives up that many yrs unless it is for someone else !!

[2sunny]

the mother in law stays out of it. She knows better.

 

 

 

To answer the other question.... I have been doing (what I thought was the right thing) by trying to work things out and figure out what to do to help my wife. She would never commit to anything or say much other than it was her problem and she would have to figure it out. I think that I may have pushed her too far down the Path. Anyways, this weekend's events were to give answers that I have been looking for. However, I have concluded that the answers she was about to give were the ones that could push everyone over the top so I have decided to lay low (not hide) and not push the matter anymore. In the meantime I have decided to get my ducks in a row in case of emergency.

 

the Mother in Law may be staying out of it because she knows something and doesn't want to be the one to tell you. been there, was on the receiving end of that one.

 

 

seems as though your approach is "if i don't hear her say it - then it can't be true." you need to face reality and find out what the real deal is here. she's holding all the cards and all the power. you are not sitting in a very good position. this cannot be one bit comforting.

 

what PATH are you referring to? how did you push HER down a path? most people take a road all on their own - either together or separate - their choice... whichever PATH you may be referring to.

 

and how do you plan to get your ducks in a row? what does that entail? and emergency? who said anything about an emergency... i thought this was about trying to find resolution and problem solve with your wife and her unhappy current state of mind. find out what is making her unsettled, unhappy and unwilling to work at the marriage. when you find this out - then you have the info needed to either fix things or leave.

 

Ok so I got advice today from council and the long and the short of it is I need to work things out WAY before they head to a courtroom. If she decides to be nasty, with Cndn laws I will owe her child support and spousal support which when added together is more than I bring in in a month. Doesn't matter if my profit sharing incentives go down the toilet. Average reported yearly income is used as a basis. There is no such thing as a shared custody. If it goes nasty.... my best shot is a mediator. I am getting 2 more opinions later this week.

 

So now I'm thinking I need to see a marriage counselor on my own to try and figure out how to talk her down from this thing.

Good to see how years of hard work and sincere love for someone pays off in the long run...... wtf

 

so - you return to the table based upon the fact that you will have to pay her more money than you have?

 

do you even love this woman? or are you just feeling like you want to cave and settle based on the issue of money? seems as though you intend to stay married for all the wrong reasons. your attitude regarding love is concerning. what about your kids?

 

no doubt she has the power - but geez, where is your principle and backbone? does staying in the marriage sound beneficial when it appears she doesn't even care?

 

you need to find out WHAT REALLY is happening here. you haven't even attempted to find the evidence of what may be happening... it looks like something - but you are unwilling to even admit it - much less face it, or work on it getting better.

 

if you stay married - will she do counseling?

[Campingman]

2sunny, excuse me if I come off the wrong way here, If you reread my very first post the first thing I said was that I don't frequent forums i.e. I am not comfortable telling my life story to a bunch of strangers. Yes, I am glad that I have done it as it has provided me some stress relief and it helps me to get my bearings somewhat.

 

I know my wife and I know what she is capable of so to answer your question am I worried about my family? Yes. Do I love my wife? Yes. Are my kids my first priority? Absolutely. Do I want to cave in? NOT EVER. Where does the money part of it come in to play? In my opinion, I have to come up with a line of defense as well as offense financially in order to A)get thru this B.S. and B) be able to survive no matter what the outcome. I am behind the eight-ball as I have put my entire faith in my wife and given her free reign. It has blown up in my face so now I have to regroup and get that under control first I.M.O. before I can proceed on my FIRST priority which is my kids. So now having said that...... I would value your opinion on what I have just said as well as anyone elses.

 

Yes, I have not provided this forum with all the facts. I will however give you my honest opinion of where my wife is with this.

 

I believe my wife is in a mid-life crisis. I also believe that my wife has fallen out of love with me and is methodically trying to ease her way out of the marriage without hurting me (from her point of view). I believe and know that my wife is toying with the concept of an affair. I also know who that person is. I have confronted that person as it is my best friend. I don't believe she has gone to that level but it is in the works. By pushing her down the wrong path I mean that when I discovered what was going on, (6 months ago) I took it upon myself to try and gently bring her back to reality. Of course this was the wrong thing to do and all I did was make her run the other way.

 

So having said that, where do I stand today? Well, she cornered me last night and told me she wants me to leave. My response was nothing. Eventually we started to talk and I said ok i will leave and where are the kids going? Her reply was wherever they want. My reply (and mistake) was that I wasn't leaving my kids. She says don't make me force my hand. I regrouped and said ok will you help me find a place to live (thanks flash) and she agreed. I left before more damage was done...

[2sunny]

she will continue to have the upper hand as long as you go along with the rules she lays down. YOU are allowed to say NO!

 

yes, she's interested in the other man (OM) that makes sense. she is willing to throw her whole life away for him.

 

it is up to you to find out what the involvement is and how far things have gone. she will not admit without evidence. she will also put you in a position of thinking you are crazy if you don't find solid proof.

 

make her uncomfortable. why should you leave if she is the one who wants a change? have her leave! have her move since she's the one who wants out of the marriage. have the kids stay with you since she is the unstable one at this point.

 

stop going along with all her requests. force her to change if she wants this.

 

once the truth is known - it will take the power away from her "secret." this is usually when things start to heal. it's the secret part that fuels the affair. her Mom knows - just hasn't told you straight out... how sad for everyone (especially the Mom).

 

suggest counseling. some folks tell the counselor - then at least one person working n the marriage has the facts and knows where to go with trying to get the healing process started.

 

good luck; and keep posting.

[Campingman]

I have suggested counselling many times. She will not go....PERIOD. Not even to sit and listen. That is where I stand with that.

 

In the meantime I am going to keep her focused on finding me a place to go while I am busy talking to various counsel as well as a marriage counsellor. I am looking for ways and methods to give her a reality check and wake her up without causing too much damage.

 

I am also wondering when to approach her to provide the rest of her plan i.e. her concept of how this is all going to work out.

[CarrieT]

I'm with the others who say DO NOT MOVE. What's that "possession is nine-tenths of the law" thing... You go and you have resigned yourself to losing your house.

 

If she wants a break, than she should be the one to leave. Take the higher ground, take care of the children, and be the strong one in supporting your FAMILY. You leave and you essentially kiss it all goodbye, including your kids.

[flash582]

Have you asked her how SHE plans on telling the Kids?

 

When she comes back with WE should tell the kids, tell her bull_hit ... this is your deal ... YOU tell em. I'm going to tell them that I don't want to split.

 

That can certainly be a wake up call, or it certainly will be when they start looking at her like she's public enemy number 1.

 

But this will piss her off more, you should know that up front.

[flash582]

You are not fighting against anything that makes ANY sense here. That's probably the number one thing that's driving you nuts .... because She is not making ANY sense.

 

YOU can see the reality, that she won't be able to handle 4 kids on her own, that the likelihood that any man will sign up for that kind of responsibility is about as likely as you winning the Lotto.

 

She is obviously in the middle of a mid life crisis. You, by default, are the reason that she didn't fulfill her dreams, reach her full potential, etc. The Il-logic of it is that if you disappear, the problems and negative feelings go with you.

 

The reality is ... they don't ... they just get worse.

 

Is she having an affair? Is she wanting to have an affair?

 

Well ... it really doesn't matter at this point. You're trying to save a Family, not resolve world hunger. You've got to keep your cool.

 

And one more thing ..... Start Dating IMMEDIATELY upon moving out. Don't wait 5 minutes. Make it obvious to her, but not to the kids. Be adult, however.

 

She'll start asking you questions like ... can you take little suzy to this on Saturday. Can you take the kids on this weekend ... etc.

 

Your answer is ALWAYS ... I think I have plans on that day .. let me see if I can change them. More often than not, Don't do it.

 

You can either be her safety net or not .... but once she has to confront her demons on her own, and the wrath of the kids, and figures out that plenty of guys out there would love to screw her, but commitment will be impossible to find.

 

How long this process takes will be up to you. If you start dating, and she sees that you are going to replace her in very short order (was I that easy to get over?) She will suddenly have all the interest in you in the world.

 

At that point ... don't cave in. Don't answer her calls/texts/e-mails until the next day. She will expect you to not have a life and be at her beck and call .... you must do the unexpected. Have a life that is separate from her.

 

Make her work a bit for it if you want your reconciliation to last.

 

You'll have to start treating her kind of like your best friends bratty little sister .... someone you put up with cause you have to, not because you want to .... bust on her clothing choices ... like (you're going to wear that???) Why are you wearing those shoes with that? Wow ... new hairstyle? (no other comment about it being nice looking or whatever.)

 

No more compliments, no more agreeing with anything, but NO ARGUING. Just say ... I'd really rather not talk about it, smile, and WALK AWAY.

 

 

You've been living in her world by her rules ... you need to change your attitude NOW.

 

All kinds of crap is coming and you can NOT lose your cool, EVER. Think James Bond kind of cool ... don't be a smartass, but don't be what she expects from this point on.

 

Dating at your age is VERY different that dating in your 20's .... the aggression changes. There are 10 women out there for every single guy because most single guys are ASS_OLES, losers, or gay. You will be beating them off with a stick. Looks are not all that important because hard working, straight, unattached guys are few and far between.

 

I didn't believe it either ... but man, it is amazing. It won't take her very long to figure this out but you have to start acting like a man with a lot of potential mates and girls chasing you down NOW. She will sense the change in your body language as soon as you start believing it. No acting required.

 

AGAIN, I'm so sorry you have to go through this ..... just be cool, follow some simple rules, and you WILL be in the drivers seat again. Remember .. your not playing a game where the rules are based on logic.

 

Screw up and act like a wussie or an Ahole and you'll lose.

[flash582]

To clarify further.

 

You've been using Logic and it is no longer working. Period.

 

Now you have to evoke an emotional response ... that is only done through action.

 

Showing your love doesn't work.

 

Showing that you're a good father doesn't work

 

Showing that you're a great husband doesn't work.

 

And she knows you better than anyone else on the planet, so you can't act and expect this to work. It has to be from the heart.

 

You'll have to demonstrate your value. One way is by showing her how other women value you. Another way is by demonstrating that you can have a life without her (all women expect you to fall apart and cease to exist)

 

I know it's distasteful .... but all is fair in love and war.

 

Just be careful to guard your heart ... it's real easy to fall in love when on the rebound. Then your kids are screwed.

 

No guarantees here Campingman ..... but you've got to take your best shot.