Wife wants a break...

[Biggie25x]

I agree with a lot of what flash said. However, don't put her down or start dating until your ready to date. Search this forum for the thread by TrustinYourself about regaining Tips to regaining your self-confidence. It's not that old and should be easy to find. You could also Google divorce 180. There's a list from divorcebusting or marriage builders or something that says how you should behave when a spouse says they want to leave. I am doing it now and already see the results.

 

That doesn't include put down or being mean to her, just an absence of spoken opinion either good or bad.

 

Just move on with your life like you are getting a divorce and have "seen the light". take care of yourself and your kids. Realize it takes two to break a marriage and two to fix it. You didn't get where you are alone and you can't dig out by yourself.

[Campingman]

I don't think me dating is an option. We don't live in a city of a million people. I don't need the local papparazzi involved.

 

So what happens if I confront "mom" and explain the situation (whether she knows it is happening or not) and see if I have her support on taking action to wake up my wife? Then I tell my wife that she needs to go and figure things out on her own and without the luxuries that I provide ... i.e. phone, charge accounts, credit cards, money. She drives the clunker to the law firm etc. etc. Anything that she needs would have to be asked for and provided by me? Am I still in the logical world or the emotional world? I think that this would just make her more furious and show more resentment. Thoughts on this???

 

I like the idea of putting her on the spot to tell the kids dad is leaving but I don't like using the kids as pawns.

[flash582]

I

She drives the clunker to the law firm etc. etc. Anything that she needs would have to be asked for and provided by me? Am I still in the logical world or the emotional world? I think that this would just make her more furious and show more resentment. Thoughts on this???

 

I like the idea of putting her on the spot to tell the kids dad is leaving but I don't like using the kids as pawns.

 

I understand .... you have two options ... you can both sit down together and tell the kids that you have both agreed that you're going to leave, that Mommy and Daddy aren't together, etc.

 

Why would you do that? Why would you willingly Lie to your kids? For your Wife's benefit? Do you want to call all your friends and family and tell them the same lie? Why .... so your wife feels better about herself?

 

Your call .... I played this game with my kids and the look on their faces still haunts me. Fu_k my ex .... she should be the one to live with that. It was not my choice to leave.

 

As for Mom .... I've got no idea ... my Ex went ballistic when I told her Mom 10 years ago. I can't say that it helped, but we weren't living with her either.

[Biggie25x]

Steps to regaining your self confidence

If your spouse has left you follow the advice below.

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore!

 

2. No frequent phone calls, texts, emails

 

3. Do not point out good points in marriage

 

4. Do not follow them around the house

 

5. Do not encourage talk about the future

 

6. Do not ask for help from family members

 

7. Do not ask for reassurances

 

8. Do not buy gifts

 

9. Do not schedule dates together

 

10. Do not spy on spouse

 

11. Do not say "I Love You"

 

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life

 

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive

 

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get

busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,

etc.

 

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start

the conversation) be scarce or short on words

 

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his

whereabouts, ASK NOTHING

 

17. You need to make your partner think that you have

had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you

are going to move on with your life, with or without

your spouse

 

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull

back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more

important, realize what he will be missing

 

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show

your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him

someone he would want to be around.

 

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which

may be a while)

 

21. Never lose your cool

 

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic

 

23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes

their feelings stronger)

 

24. Be patient

 

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really

saying to you

 

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you

want to speak out

 

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &

focus on all the other parts of your life that are not

in turmoil)

 

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly

 

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any

words you can say or write

 

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you

are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy

 

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with

your spouse

 

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than

50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in

absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared

 

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad

you feel

 

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes

 

Read the highlighted section of TrustinYouselfs Tips to regaining your self-confidence. All that does is bring you down to her level and creates tension in the family. Don't give into revenge. It never helps and only hurts.

[2sunny]

let the wife take responsibility for what she wants and her decisions. she can own up to wanting the family apart. make HER be honest about the situation. do not defend or make excuses for her benefit. state your position to your kids... Mom is intent on separating and i am respecting her decision, it's not what i want.

 

she should be uncomfortable - as your kids should have questions that she will not want to answer. have a plan so that your kids can know that they will be safe. you need to try to keep THEIR daily life as stable as possible. this will help slightly with their emotional instability. they need to have some comfort that both parents still love them and that never changes. also that they did nothing to cause this change - NOTHING.

 

as for the Mother in Law, no use putting her in the middle more than she already is - she has already shown by her actions that she intends to stay out of it and that she will protect her daughter at any cost... even if she doesn't agree with her actions... she will protect... poor woman was offering a home as a favor to family in need and now is caught in the middle of a tornado.

[flash582]

Read the highlighted section of TrustinYouselfs Tips to regaining your self-confidence. All that does is bring you down to her level and creates tension in the family. Don't give into revenge. It never helps and only hurts.

 

These steps are good stuff .... I would agree wholeheartedly.

 

Stay Cool, whatever you do ..... James Bond like cool. You are your own person. You may prefer to stay together but it is NOT the end of everything.

 

I also had this constant battle with my ex. She wanted me to tell my kids that they had no choice but to stay in her house ie. that they could not come to live with me.

 

I said No .... My kids are ALWAYS welcome in my home and I will never tell them otherwise.

[Campingman]

Thanks for the tips guys. I hope tonight goes better than last night. I agree with keeping the mom out of it. good advice. thanks. I wish it was camping season.....lol

[SRV]

Always know that this too shall pass.

 

You are faced with some tough decisions that you will have to make. Take some time and weigh the pros and cons. List them down on a piece of paper and maybe a time line would be in order as to which way you go with this.

 

She has stated that she does not want the MC, you want the mge to workout, these will factor heavily on the decision you make, one that will need to be made within a specified timeline, through a clear thought out process, instead of drawing out the inevitable.

[flash582]

I'd invite you down to Texas for some camping but I've got some surgery planned and won't be out for a while.

 

You can fly down to Springer Mountain, in Georgia and hike part of the AT. The weather is Beautiful there now and you'll meet some GREAT people.

 

Hiking always helped me to put my life in perspective.

 

And Hey ... you have at least a small window of opportunity here to do some of the things you always wanted to do .... like trips, etc.?

[Campingman]

I am of the opinion that the logical route has not been successful so it is time for the emotional game.

 

Last night went uneventful. I asked her what she meant by taking a break..... simply that .... a break.... or the big D. She said she just wanted time to figure it out and get her head clear. She said she wasn't going anywhere. I said so what then did you mean by don't force my hand...... she gave me a blank look and her response was that she didn't tell me that. I said that she did tell me that and her reply was that she didn't remember telling me that then...... I left.

 

So as for the emotional game..... where to start.... i am thinking to get her focus back on me and her family I need to start by giving her the clunker to drive to work. At the sime time I am going to sell off the vehicle she drives and buy something different (that she has always wanted) and it will be mine to drive. Two ways to look at this from my point of view...... first is that she will think I am trying to punish her in an effort to win her back/wake her up and she will retaliate...... second is that she realises that I am moving forward with my life and she has a decision to make. I think she will lean towards the first point of view.

 

Any thoughts on this ?????

[tweldy]

Its good that you're going to a lawyer. This is key. She knows exactly what she is doing. You have cash, that is your greatest asset right now. HIRE A PI, an EXPENSIVE one with outstanding credentials and who won't even talk to you unless they are being paid. There is something afoot here and if you find out what it is you'll beat her at her own game. If she is having an affair or something you can own her in court, or who knows what's going on. When a woman comes to you with the love you not in love with you and you have four kids SOMETHING ISN'T RIGHT. Hire a PI. Please, I beg of you, trust me on this one. Plus if you want to get back together one of the best ways is to break up whatever is going behind your back, then she is on weak legal grounds AND doesn't have someone waiting in the wings. I know there are a lot of posts on this board, and its hard to read them all, but there is something happening here more than she's saying, this is textbook.

[flash582]

You don't want to be misconstrued as punishing her and I'd ask my attorney before I did anything financial oriented.

[2sunny]

here's an idea...

 

if she needs a break send her on a long weekend away... no hubby, no kids... the hire a PI to follow her the whole time. from the time she leaves for the airport to where she ends up.

 

you will have your info you need before the end of the weekend.

[seibert253]

She's pushing you, you push back, just not as hard as you would like. Here's what I would do. It may not work for your wife but in my case it would.

I would sit her down and tell her you want space, you got it. Please be out of the house in a week. If you don't have someplace to stay, I will help you find something.

I would then tell her that I'm not going to sit around waiting for you to decide what you want. If you decide to come back, I will greet you with open arms and all the love you can handle. But, I'm going to prepare as if you're not coming back. I going to do A, B, and C. (have a prepared plan on things you wish to accomplish if she checks out. Contact an attorney, file for custody, your car swap deal, etc. Things for YOU). Start the 180 if you haven't. Trust me, it works.

Do not contact her, let her call you. Limit your conversations to kids and finances. If she wants to talk about your marriage, do it in person, not over the phone. Do not press her about making a decision. Tell her I'll be here for you if you want me, but I'm not going to wait around forever.

If it's financially viable, hire a PI. If she's seeing someone else, and I suspect she is, then you'll know soon enough. If she is seeing someone else, then file for divorce immediately and have her served.

Good Luck and God Bless

[lostsunsets]

You need to separate finances. Make her pay her half of the bills out of her money. If she needs a break, give her a break from your money too.

[Campingman]

here's an idea...

 

if she needs a break send her on a long weekend away... no hubby, no kids... the hire a PI to follow her the whole time. from the time she leaves for the airport to where she ends up.

 

you will have your info you need before the end of the weekend.

I was thinking more along the lines of me going away for the weekend..... hiring the PI and going from there.

 

My only hesitation with that is I don't know how the PI process works.... if it is the same as talking to a lawyer where they are bound and obligated not to talk to her etc. My problem is that she knows and works with ALL the PIs out there in a 300mile radius and they know here too.

[Campingman]

She's pushing you, you push back, just not as hard as you would like. Here's what I would do. It may not work for your wife but in my case it would.

I would sit her down and tell her you want space, you got it. Please be out of the house in a week. If you don't have someplace to stay, I will help you find something.

I would then tell her that I'm not going to sit around waiting for you to decide what you want. If you decide to come back, I will greet you with open arms and all the love you can handle. But, I'm going to prepare as if you're not coming back. I going to do A, B, and C. (have a prepared plan on things you wish to accomplish if she checks out. Contact an attorney, file for custody, your car swap deal, etc. Things for YOU). Start the 180 if you haven't. Trust me, it works.

Do not contact her, let her call you. Limit your conversations to kids and finances. If she wants to talk about your marriage, do it in person, not over the phone. Do not press her about making a decision. Tell her I'll be here for you if you want me, but I'm not going to wait around forever.

If it's financially viable, hire a PI. If she's seeing someone else, and I suspect she is, then you'll know soon enough. If she is seeing someone else, then file for divorce immediately and have her served.

Good Luck and God Bless

 

I like this route and have thought about doing just that. I think at that point mom would step in and defend though.

 

I have 2 more counsel appointments to go and 1 marriage counsellor appointment. I have closed joint credit card accounts as well as other banking accounts that she had access too but never used. (all on advice of counsel)

 

I have decided to remain silent and non-confrontational until then. The weekdays aren't bad. Its the weekend when the mother in law goes away that the sh*&show starts.

[Biggie25x]

I have decided to remain silent and non-confrontational until then. The weekdays aren't bad. Its the weekend when the mother in law goes away that the sh*&show starts.

 

I hear what you're saying. It's not fun to live in a house with a STBXW while you try to figure out what's going on. I'm going through it right now and I must say I have never really done anything less fun in my life. The uncertainty is the worst. BUT, we have to persevere as that's what marriage means. If she wants to end it thats her problem but you can know you have done everything the best way you possibly could and were/are willing to do what it takes.

 

I like the way you're doing it too. Like Gunny (among others) says you have to be in silent attack mode. Quit and cool. Let her make some moves and wonder what's going on. This is also the same advice my Dad's given me while I try to figure out what's going on in my life. He said play it cool, give it a month and at the end you'll know how you feel. BUT, protect your ass while you're doing it. Let her know you won't be a pushover but are willing to fight for what's fair. This way, one way or another, when you look back you can hold your head high and know you were the better person. This in the long run makes you a better man.

 

I read Gunny's advice numerous times and my Dad told me his. I thought it was good advice so I decided to pass it on. Let me know what you think.

 

I have been doing this and it has done wonders for my self confidence and respect. I still have my moments where it feels like part of my heart has been ripped out like I am missing half my soul but I am also starting to gain some perspective on all the F***ed up stuff she's done to me too. To realize all the things she needs to do to make it right to me too. To realize I'm not the one that broke the marriage because I want and am willing to work on it. That she's the one that wants to throw in the towel and quit. That I don't have the foggiest idea of what I'd do if she decided to work it out as now that it's been awhile (3 weeks) I don't know if I could be with someone who would let their partner hang for this long and change their life because their spouse didn't want to work it out. How would I ever be able to trust that if the going got tough again that she wouldn't take the easy route?

[flash582]

Good plan ..... unless you've got stuff to do with the kids all weekend, not including the spouse, of course.

[2sunny]

the whole idea in sending her away on the break that she talks of deserving is that - given enough planning time - she will plot to meet with the other person she's involved with.

 

that is where the pi comes into play... you get the truth by her own selfish behavior - it is so predictable...

 

if you can, you should try to have access to the info of where she's going and where's she's staying while she's there.

 

in order to get the info you may need to install a keylogger on her computer so you can see if correspondence is being used to swap significant info and what a plane ticket may tell you - as well as any hotel reservations. do not assume that what she TELLS you to be the truth... you have to FIND OUT what her plan is for the time she's gone.

 

also, a voice activated recorder (they look like a pen) should be placed in her purse and her bag as well as one in her car.

have you checked her email and cell phone records? do not rule out text messages, it is a primary sourse of communication when you want to hide contact with another person.

[Gunny376]

"My wife of 14 years has recently told me that she loves me but is not in love with me."

 

"Our life is in upheaval. "

 

"We are currently building a new house."

 

"......living with her mom during the construction process."

 

"We have 4 children ranging from 7 to 19'

 

"My attitude is that I love my family and she is the one who is having issues...."

 

"She won't go to counselling."

 

"We are very successful people in the business world." (Also spelled very stressful)

 

"The husband left his wife recently and his wife stirred the pot and brought my family into it."

Starts on the far end of the street and ends on the other end!

 

"My wife is quick to forgive but never forgets. I am a faithful spouse with no bad habits to speak of. She mentioned once that I failed her in the protection department. Years ago, there used to be verbal altercations between her and my family. She is a spitfire girl and not afraid to express opinions. Anytime that I would give an opinion of my own, I would be told to back off. So as time went on.... I stayed out of it. Now it is coming back at me as I should have stepped in. That's it! I am a workaholic and work hard play hard. She was a stay at home mom. However, when I used to go out, I always invited her to come along. Always! She always declined. I know this seems selfish on my part but it wasn't a frequent thing. (going out). So here we are today..... she has since gone back to the workforce which I have no problem with. It seems like she is trying to regain all the years spent home back in one felled swoop and without me in it. It is simply out of character. She also just turned 40. And now she says she needs a break."

Also known as "re-writing" the martial history! Straight out of the "Cheater's Handbook 101"

 

"If I want to resolve it and try and work on the marriage still.....what is the best plan of attack without making her run faster and adding more defense?"

 

DefCon 4 ~ Quit being a pansy, quit being a victim, drop the bomb on her! Get a lawyer, get custody, get the house, take everything!

 

She's 'primed' for an affair, just because of the successful life the two of you have been living, the four children, SAHM syndrome, hormones, premenopausal, mid-life crisis ~ "D" answer ~ just like on the SAT/ACT/ASVAB,......etc!"

 

Not "selfish" so much as just unaware -- on both your parts, not just yours and not just hers.

 

Being a SAHM married to a hard-working, hard-playing workaholic is a difficult and tough thing...BUT it was also on her to communicate her needs, frustrations, etc. with you in a timely fashion, so you could have learned how to better support and nurture each other at times and in ways that the other needed and wanted.

 

It is sad how things can go so totally off-track despite our best intentions.

 

When your up to your neck in alligators, snakes, and Indians it can sometimes become difficult to remember that your initial objective was to drain the swamp!

 

Yes I have offered the time off clause. No go! And even if she said yes..... the kids would be coming along..... which I have no problem with BTW. I understand the need for alone time and have also presented this to her in an attempt to work it out. She balks at everything. I am so frustrated. This is so out of character for me because I am the bull usually. We both have VERY stubborn traits about us but I realise all of this as well as my selfishness and am trying to make change. She will have none of it. She will discuss things but when I try to make her come forward with her position so I know where I stand.... she clams up. We don't yell at each other.... not ever. We just talk.... hash and rehash..... it goes nowhere.

 

Because the changes your trying to make now in her mind (a woman's mind ~ they're wired differently than ours) should have been forthcoming two, three, four years ago!

 

A couple of other things ...

 

When a woman says that she loves you but she's not in love with you, it's never a good thing. However, being in love is really a choice, albeit a subconscious one.

 

What she's telling you is that you don't make her feel the way she wants to feel.

 

Either there is someone else, she's overwhelmed by life, you're not spending enough time together, etc.

 

Studies have proven that a man and woman must spend 20 hours a week, or more, in direct contact to be able to fall in love. That needs to be quality time together.

 

If she's not already too far down the path, you might suggest the following:

 

Still ... you have to agree with her feelings. Arguing or discussing your feelings only gives the appearance of you trying to tell her her feelings are wrong. This will NOT work.

 

You MUST agree with her feelings, at an emotional level.

 

Then you might suggest that you start dating again, one or two nights a week. Suggest that you take up an activity together, something she's interested in, I don't care if it's basket weaving or yoga, whatever she's interested in.

 

If it's too far gone, then tell her that you don't want to lose her friendship, even if she's not in love with you ... and suggest going out once a week or so, just as friends ... even lunch once a week is a start. Anything to start spending more time together ... even if it's a family night out with the two of you as friends instead of lovers.

 

she's telling you that you have to give her the right feelings to turn this around.

 

Consider that carefully brother. Don't ask a bunch of fool questions .... but you HAVE to figure out what you can do to give her the feelings she's looking for ..... then keep doing that.

 

Meanwhile ... don't fight her ..... start looking for a place ... and ask her to help you ... you know, what she thinks about location, decoration, furnishing, etc. Play this up. Make her KNOW that her opinions STILL matter to you.

 

IMPORTANT: And my wife is in agreement with this point. You will NOT win her back by staying. She will just dig her heels in and re-enforce her thoughts. She is too stubborn for that.

 

Go see a therapist on your own too .... someone that you can vent your frustration with. It will help you to stay on an even keel through this.

 

Ah a veteran!

 

Vets KNOW Vets!

 

I think she is just overwhelmed right now by not being able to have a real place to call home while ours is being built. etc etc

 

HELLO?

 

She acknowledged a month ago that she has become bitter, cold and just wants to be left alone.

 

Its been my general experience that the best way to handle women, land mines, high explosives, and grenades is to listen to your instincts and leave the HELL alone!

 

That is to say if grasshoppers had .45 caliber pistols and knew how to use them? Crows wouldn't **** with them!

 

My main concern is the kids though. If I leave like she wants me too then how do they get through this? Lately I am the mom and the dad. She gets them to school in the mornings but I takeover when I get home from work as she is often working late or at class at night. I know that our schedules are so overloaded that we don't even come close to the 20 hr (maybe 2-3) per week. She won't give an inch. I guess I just have to learn to back off for now and watch her leave me in the dust.

...

 

Just keep throwing the wood on the fire ~ how about a little gasoline just to make it interesting? She's gone back to work? She's gone back to school? JHQ even Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder and Ronnie Millsap combined could see this train wreck about to happen!

 

The only difference between your marriage and the Titantic is that "she" had a band playing as she went under?

 

She's getting ready to throw your Happy @ss under the freaking bus at High Noon in downtown Detroit! You'd best be waking the Hell up!

 

I'm sitting here telling you! There's a freight train coming and if I were you? I'd would be getting my happy @ss off the tracks!

[Campingman]

Thanks for the insight 2sunny, Gunny and everyone else.

 

Well, after talking to a wide range of lawyers and different firms as well as a marriage counsellor (talk about 2 different sides of the spectrum.... lawyers and counsellors). I am confident that I have covered my @ss the best I can for the long road ahead.

 

So having said that, it is time for me to make the call of whether to cut ties and call in the troops or keep on sticking around in the swamp for a while and see what happens.

 

My objective is to focus on my kids and there well being. If my wife tunes back into reality along the way then so be it. If not, then that is her choice.

 

I have decided to go the emotional route this weekend. I have TOLD her that I am taking the kids for the weekend to a favorite family spot for some R&R. I have also TOLD her (and this might be a mistake but at this stage of the game (infant) I think it is appropriate) that she is welcome to come along. We'll see how she reacts knowing that her family is off for the weekend without her if she declines. If she goes along, I am not going to be rude but I am not going to provide her with the things she is used to doing.

 

I also know the risks involved with her declining but again, that is her choosing (the family or the other addiction). My life is going forward and if she gets on the bus so be it. If she gets off the bus, that is her choice.

[Sands_of_time]

 

 

I have also TOLD her (and this might be a mistake but at this stage of the game (infant) I think it is appropriate) that she is welcome to come along.

 

Campingman...tough spot to be in. Especially with having children. I feel for you.

 

One thing I've picked up after going through a similar situation and reading 1,000 posts is that what YOU see is your own reality. That's not to fault you by any means but it's what we all do. We are viewing the world from only OUR eyes.

 

What she sees/and is doing is quite different. You are only seeing the tip (hence, you say "infant stages") of the iceberg in this mess and it may only look like it's in the beginning stages. But rest assured that plans were being created long before you saw your piece of the iceberg. It's all but impossible to stick your head under the water to see exactly when the iceberg started to form but more than likely it's big, solid and the best advice I read in your posts comes from Gunny and Lakeside and the other veterans. Cover your azz, friend. When the rest of the iceberg gets exposed (which it will in the next couple of month) it's quite possibly going to be the ugliest thing you've ever seen.

 

Put on another layer of chainmail. You seem like a bright, likable guy so hang tough.

[Campingman]

Well, the weekend came and went. I told the wife I was taking the kids for the weekend and she was welcome to come along. It caught her off guard and she flipped. She said that her only dilemma was that she had made her own plans (family-oriented). I told her that I don't factor in in the decision making department anymore and to let me know because I was leaving in two hours. That really set her off and she replied that it wasn't fair and that she had never put me in that position. I shrugged it off and said let me know what you decide. She passed for the first night and said she would drive up the next day with our son (who had to work). My son had problems at work and consequently had to work late and they didn't make it until Sunday. Once there, we went shopping. I bought everything for the kids but when the wife tried anything on... well... I gave her the look."are you really going to wear that?". It was killing me inside... she looked really good. Anyways.... she put everything back and maybe spent $20 (her money) in total which is unheard of for her.

 

It was a quiet ride home to say the least but she drove home with me instead of my son for whatever reason.

 

This morning I said a few things to her mom about our situation to try and see where she sits on the fence. The mom didn't seem to let on that she new anything but I will know soon enough if she is in the loop or not. My take on her is that she knows her daughter is throwing her life away but is not willing to take a chance in helping keep her only family together! She is content to sadly sit back and watch the show.

[2sunny]

i like your approach... this is the way i'm doing this - take it or leave it... participate or don't... this has got to be confusing her as she sees that you can be happy with her or without her but that you have a firm boundary and are going to stick with it. i also like that you are capable of setting the emotional part aside for the sake of surviving. hard to do - you do it well.

 

good job! keep up the good work! keep posting... and don't forget - protect yourself and your kids best interest.