Wife wants a break...

[flash582]

Well, the weekend came and went. I told the wife I was taking the kids for the weekend and she was welcome to come along. It caught her off guard and she flipped. She said that her only dilemma was that she had made her own plans (family-oriented). I told her that I don't factor in in the decision making department anymore and to let me know because I was leaving in two hours. That really set her off and she replied that it wasn't fair and that she had never put me in that position. I shrugged it off and said let me know what you decide. She passed for the first night and said she would drive up the next day with our son (who had to work). My son had problems at work and consequently had to work late and they didn't make it until Sunday. Once there, we went shopping. I bought everything for the kids but when the wife tried anything on... well... I gave her the look."are you really going to wear that?". It was killing me inside... she looked really good. Anyways.... she put everything back and maybe spent $20 (her money) in total which is unheard of for her.

 

 

 

 

It was a quiet ride home to say the least but she drove home with me instead of my son for whatever reason.

 

This morning I said a few things to her mom about our situation to try and see where she sits on the fence. The mom didn't seem to let on that she new anything but I will know soon enough if she is in the loop or not. My take on her is that she knows her daughter is throwing her life away but is not willing to take a chance in helping keep her only family together! She is content to sadly sit back and watch the show.

 

THIS is Soooooo perfect.

 

She has to THINK about the reality of what she's asking for. At the same time, you just became a Challenge again.

 

A challenge means that you are suddenly interesting again.

 

DON'T backslide. The only way this works is if she sees you as a Strong, capable man that is ready to move on, sans her sorry ass. Be nice, be firm, be strong ..... but keep up the GREAT stuff, just be careful not to overplay your hand.

 

Me .... I'd leave mom Neutral. Show her a strong capable confident man and she'll be backing you to the hilt, but behind the scenes.

 

I'm going to be out for a couple of weeks due to back surgery (no worries) but trust me ... I've seen this work. The Divorce 180 stuff is a lot of what I was telling you before, but in a much better package and more thought out. Sorry I won't be around for you to vent if you need to ... but there are a lot of great people on here that can and will help.

 

To reclaim your marriage you must be: 1.Ready to move on 2.Interesting in a very different kind of way.

 

Part of what this may be all about is that she is looking for feelings like she would have if you were first starting dating.

 

That means that the "lets buy a minivan and have Kids" chemicals are no longer home and she's back to ..... "I really need a good guy but I'm really attracted to bad boys" type phase. Be interesting, be polite but firm, be your OWN man.

 

Think of it in another way .... you've been in her world.

 

You've got to live in YOUR world. It's YOUR decision if you allow her into your reality or not.

 

It's YOUR reality

 

If she ain't feeling it g<sic> ... you're going to be lost in the "I love him like a brother but not a husband" category.

 

Keep it up. It sounds to me like You've just graduated from Doormat to Potential Relationship Material in the big book of Women's thoughts.

 

How do you want to be perceived going forward?

 

Whatever you do ... don't EVER go to the "I'm so in love with you let me cry you a river and whine till you slap me across the face because I'm nothing but your little Bitch" place. You will NOT get the outcome you wish. Been there, done that, have the Tee Shirt.

[Campingman]

Thanks for the vote of confidence Flash and good luck with your surgery.

 

I am going to keep on moving forward with this.... but ever so carefully. Last night was terrible as she totally gave me the silent treatment and ignored me the entire night. Nothing new really but it was extra hard as I discovered that while I was out with my kids on the weekend, she went out with friends (and only friends... a confirmed source)

 

I really want to take all of the things she takes for granted away from her (REALLY BAD) but I am not going to as I don't want to spark anything just yet. I think I have to give it a couple weeks and see how she reacts to the way I handle myself composure wise.

 

Her mom stepped up a little after I went to bed and got on her case about something that wasn't related to our marriage. That isn't out of character for the mother in law but it hasn't happened for quite some time. Maybe I am reading too much into this but anyways... it was good to see.

[sumdude]

Be very careful with her mother. If your wife gets the scent that you tried to use her mom to get to her the whole thing can blow up in your face. (trust me, I know). In the end even if her mom thinks she messing up she'll still support her girl whatever happens.

[SRV]

Be very careful with her mother. If your wife gets the scent that you tried to use her mom to get to her the whole thing can blow up in your face. (trust me, I know). In the end even if her mom thinks she messing up she'll still support her girl whatever happens.

 

 

Excellent point, try as best as you can to leave MIL out of this, you already know where her loyalties lie.

[Campingman]

You are exactly correct with my wife thinking that I have turned her mother against her. I am also fully aware that the mom will always defend her daughter as she should.

 

I am thinking that this will sooner or later be inevitable. My lawyer has advised me not to talk one on one with my wife about anything marriage related without someone else present just so she can't make any accusations down the road should things come to blows. I figured it was good advice but haven't gone this route as of yet.

[flash582]

I would give serious thought to not discussing the relationship with her AT ALL.

 

Just tell her that you'd rather not discuss it when she brings it up.

[Campingman]

So my wife has just contacted me for the first time and wants to go for coffee to discuss our relationship. I am freaking out and I don't know why. Is this normal? I suppose it is. Either she has discovered that I have been talking to lawyers (which means that she is contacting lawyers) or she wants to find out why I haven't been looking for a place to live or her mom said something that has pissed her off .... or something else....

 

I am going to try and remain cool, calm and collective so to speak. Any other advice????

[2sunny]

So my wife has just contacted me for the first time and wants to go for coffee to discuss our relationship. I am freaking out and I don't know why. Is this normal? I suppose it is. Either she has discovered that I have been talking to lawyers (which means that she is contacting lawyers) or she wants to find out why I haven't been looking for a place to live or her mom said something that has pissed her off .... or something else....

 

I am going to try and remain cool, calm and collective so to speak. Any other advice????

 

 

i wouldn't go... i just wouldn't. no reason that you need to or have to go. let her work out her own things at this point. she probably just wants to get you involved in some turmoil or chaos so that you will fix it.

 

time for her to learn to handle things on her own now... stay out of it.

 

tell her you are busy. no explanation necessary.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I really want to take all of the things she takes for granted away from her (REALLY BAD) but I am not going to as I don't want to spark anything just yet. I think I have to give it a couple weeks and see how she reacts to the way I handle myself composure wise.

 

I don't think that is a good strategy.

 

Clearly part of the issue is that your not making her feel the way she needs.

 

What you should do... is small things that are kind of romantic, combined with your more hardline approach. You want her to understand that YOU LOVE HER, but that you will be fine without her.

 

Plus... you havn't gone into this whole thing about your friends divorce. That seems to be playing into your situation much more than I would expect.

[Gunny376]

Were it me?

 

I would go full no contact. I would run silent run deep like a nuke sub under the polar ice cap. If and when the subject came up with her, I would simply respond that I've been working on myself, getting my head together, getting my act together, meditating, going to my yoga class, learning about becoming a Buddhist,

 

When it came to her, her family and friends, your family and friends, who and whatever I would be like Sgt Schultz on Hogan's Heroes! I know nothing, I see nothing, I hear nothing.

 

I would go one better and pull a Richard Pryor ~ "Hell! I done thought I went deaf, dumb and blind until you showed up!

 

Like it or not once you move into the legal realm of things? Be it civil or criminal ~ the other party is your adversary!

 

Actually? Were it me?

 

I don't take back women once they've made their minds to walk out on me. Once they walk out that door? There's no negotiating, coming-back, zilch! I'm done!

 

The next time the see me? It will be out and about with my arms around someone new, a shinnin' and a grinnin' like a mule with briar's in his mouth, hollering like a red-neck, Hillbilly, "Hey Girl! How you like me now!

[imagine]

Talk marriage. Let the lawyers talk divorce.

 

Do you know what her emotional needs are that you can meet them.

 

No talking after the family camp sounds like a sure fire way to lose her attention.

 

You are another guy that needs to read the articles at marriagebuilders.com.

[Campingman]

Well I haven't posted for a week or so. I've been trying to wrap my head around a few things.

 

So our coffee "date" was a flop. She basically wanted to know why I haven't moved out. I told her I wasn't leaving our kids, that I was trying to move forward with or without her (I told her preferably with her) and that I couldn't help her with any choices or decisions anymore. She flipped. I remained calm and left. On the drive home (separate vehicles) I lost my mind and when we got home, I told her what I really thought.... that I knew she was contemplating an A and that she should get her head screwed back on. etc. She REALLY flipped this time. Anyways, that night she and "he" texted back and forth over 60 times.

 

Since then.... there has been NC other than kid issues. I have decided to focus on myself (thru the advice of MC) and try to become a better person individually in an effort to get back in the game. The past few days I have come home happy (not overly happy and I don't think overdoing it hopefully) the past 2 days and tried to quietly make a small difference wherever I can. I made a list of negatives of myself from my wife's point of view and came up with 18 things. Although it is my opinion that 8-10 of these is because of our current situation and hasn't always been there, the list really opened my eyes.

 

So that is where I stand today..... hanging by a thread but with a new focus and objective..... to work on me and see what happens!!!

[Chessy02]

It is a shame that when most women consider having an A they go all out irrespective of the damage that would result. It then seems like nothing is happening around them - just what they are trying to achieve. Well Campingman, I have followed your story as I'm in similar situation - just that wife moved out, and I believe things will look positive further down the road.

[mark982]

glad to see you didn't cave into her"why ain't you moving out" crap. you're really putting a dampner on her plans.

[Campingman]

Thanks for the responses.

 

I am really freaking out here. I forgot to mention that a few days ago I came across a history search of how to login to a bank account online where our mortgage funds are located. This is REALLY out of character for her as she has always let me handle the finances. So I don't know if she is making plans to check out or if she is basically trying to see what I have been up to. She knows that I have been talking to lawyers (I volunteered this info but I think her peers ratted me out) and a MC so I don't know which way to go on this one.

 

For today my take is that since both our names are on the mortgage, if she does do something stupid she will be held equally responsible. (doesn't pay the contractors though does it)

 

Since I have nothing to hide, I asked her the following day if she wanted me to send her copies of where we stand with the building of the new house financially. She paused for a second and then said no. I said ok and politely left the room.

[SRV]

She's laid her cards on the table, its time for you to play yours close to your chest.

[Campingman]

She's laid her cards on the table, its time for you to play yours close to your chest.

care to be a little more specific please? Thanks

[TrustInYourself]

Stop communicating with her, relying on her. Be mysterious and aloof. Play up your positive side in any interactions. Do not be an open window to your emotional state.

[Campingman]

I am really struggling today. I really want to confront my best friend and get a read on him about what is going on between him and my wife. I really think that if I talk to my best friend and put things on the line for him about how my wife will destroy him financially in time as well as probably leave him once she comes out of her mid life crisis that he might tune in a little. My MC has advised me to ignore all actions by my wife and best friend at this time and to work on myself. What do you guys think?

[Chessy02]

Never knew your so-called 'best' friend is involved with your wife. Did I missed something? If he is, i can understand your frustration and wanting to shake him, but I guess any action would likely pull them together. It is that forbidden fruit that they want to eat. They are living in a fog.

[mark982]

first off he's now your enemy!! no ifs ands,or buts.NO best friend does this to a friend. imo if you confront him(the way you said you were gonna talk to him)you're going to come off as weak,or wimpy(sorry),he's expecting a fist full,and you're going to "talk".he's going to either laugh like hell in your face,or say to himself- "this guy don't even have a pair".your best bet is just let it go.

[Gunny376]

I am really struggling today. I really want to confront my best friend and get a read on him about what is going on between him and my wife. I really think that if I talk to my best friend and put things on the line for him about how my wife will destroy him financially in time as well as probably leave him once she comes out of her mid life crisis that he might tune in a little. My MC has advised me to ignore all actions by my wife and best friend at this time and to work on myself. What do you guys think?

 

Your wife and your "so-called" best friends are playing touchy-feely under the kitchen table in front of your very face!

 

This is the ultimate form of disrespect and betrayal. This guy is NOT your best friend. With friends like this? You seriously don't need any enemies.

 

What you need is a new wife and some new friends ~ I would be kicking these two to the curb quick, fast and in a hurry like! The sooner the freaking better.

 

But, what concerns me even more? Is that your putting up with this? In any shape, form or fashion.

 

Most men I believe marry because they lack the self confidence in themselves to be able to 'walk" on any woman? They're not that good at approaching let alone meeting some woman ~ any woman, and so they 'settle' for the first gal that comes along and has sex with them. Or at least regular sex with them.

 

Women have sex because they fall in love with a man.

A lot of men fall in love because some woman will have sex with them.

 

They get together in a relationship, and one or both parties become complacent. The 'Storms of Life' begin rolling in, stress from having babies, raising children, finances, the job, careers etc begin building up.

 

Men and women get seriously stressed out, self confidence and self discipline fly out the window. Stress builds some more, (especially in this economy) more self confidence and self discipline goes further South.

 

There's no shortage of men nor women ~ there is a shortage of good men and women.

 

There also not a such thing as "The Woman" The fact of the matter is that men and women in your life come and go!

 

No one monkey makes a show.

 

You need to work on your self confidence ~ that is to say ~ that you need to work on your skill set in your ability to not only replace this 'so-called' wife/woman, but to the point to where you've got several women in your life and your not dependent on any one. To where your not relying on any one.

 

Today's my birthday, and I've been getting phone calls from women I know all day wishing me a Happy Birthday. Some are friends, some are acquaintances, some were friends with benefits in the past. Some I've dated in the past.

 

I would describe myself as "worse than some, but better than most", but what each of these women get from me? I make them laugh, smile, have a good time, and most of all?

 

I make them feel good about themselves. ("Hey Good Looking!" "You've lost some weight haven't you?" "I like your new look!") all with their clearly knowing and understanding that I'm not trying to get into their pants, and that I'm not just another horn-dog out to get laid.

 

Right now you are literally going through withdrawal, and if your stick with the program long enough? You'll one day wake up scratching your wondering what in the Hell you ever saw in this lying, cheating, whoring, two-timing wench? All the more?

 

WTF was I thinking!

 

Somewhere along the line you've gone 'beta-male' and you need to get back to being an Alpha-Male, the leader of the pack. Your so-called BF is now the Alpha-Male.

 

Begging, pleading, imploring none of that crap works. She's essentially has made you an emotional cuckold husband. (Not to insult ~ been there myself! For every finger you point at someone ~ you've got three pointing back at yourself.

 

If I were you? I would 'man-up" and put this little gal to the curb! Better to be single and alone for the rest of your life than to be in the situation that your in.

 

From the "Can This Be Fixed Thread"

 

Your in need of education how this dating/mating thing really works. I, you and most every man on the planet aren't taught nor do with have the necessary skills set to make a long term relationship work.

 

You've got twenty six weeks to get you back to square one, and and moved forward.

 

Yes the first thing you need to do is work on your attitude, perspective, knowledge and skill set. And since 26 weeks really isn't a lot of time? To get to the quick, down and dirty I would suggest you Google Carlos Xuma's e-book, "Black Book Dating" and read it cover to cover 5X's (human retention at its max is about 20% ~ thus 20% X 5 = 100%)

 

And yes Carlos is a PUA ~ Pick-up-artist, and I've read a lot of his material and as well that of others, but for the best bang for the buck I would say his was the best.

 

He covers a lot of ground, but he covers everything from how to dress, make yourself attractive, to how to handle an argument with a woman, (defuse it with humor) the differences between men and women's communication techniques. How to respond to "test" questions such as "Am I getting fat?" and why women ask the question to begin with.

 

You should also get a e-book called "Secrets of the Alpha-Man" which really deals with more about regaining your "center" as a man, an individual. I mean for real, you've got to get out of this "negative" thinking mentality if you've got a snowballs chance in Hell with the STBXW or any woman!

 

Meanwhile to hold you over?

 

The one who cares the least control the relationship!

 

You're better off alone than with the wrong woman!

 

Truth is ALL that matters in the end

 

Work on your own life. Not hers!

 

Stay out of her head!

 

LISTEN! Pay attention to what's she's telling you! A woman given time will tell you everything that you need to know about her, her wants, her needs, her hopes, her dreams ~ if you will just have patience and truly listen without trying to use your "man-logic" to solve her problems! You want to become a "duty-expert?" Than become one on fixing cars, engines, the damned lawn mower ~ any and everything but her life!

 

Be PATIENT!

 

Slow down in your interactions with her, verbally, mentally, emotionally, physically. Women aren't as fast as men! They don't move as fast, act as fast, decide as fast. What I mean by that? Is that men tend to act in and deal with bi-polar logic, either something is or it isn't, yes or no, black or white. That is they reason their way through life? Women? Feel their way through life which to men is illogical.

 

Case in point? Sex!

 

Women have sex with men that they love

Men love women they have sex with

 

Or to put it another way?

 

Why men don't get enough sex, and women don't get enough Love! (There's a book by that same title BTW)

 

Completely let her GO! Less is more! If she has the interest level? She'll be back, and on your terms. Its the only way. The more you pursue her? The faster she will run away!

 

NEVER forget that you were born without her! And that there are hundreds more like her and thousands more that are even BETTER than her. Whatever she's got to offer, you can find just as much of if not more, just as good if not better!

 

Keep your emotional distance, or you give her the power to manipulate you and play you like a guitar. Stay in the Safe Zone!

 

If your not in control of your emotions? Your emotions are in control of your!

 

Don't let her manipulate your behavior. How you respond and act is in your control!

 

Don't push! ~ Lead! Its a dance!

 

Never ask her for anything! Instead suggestively entice and let her give to you. If she doesn't give it willingly? She may not have it to give.

 

Forget what you WANT! There is only what is! Accept it and make it work for you!

 

All unhappiness stems from the desire for things to be different that the way they are!

 

There's the way things are ~ and the way things are suppose to be ~ somewhere in between? Is a little something I call reality!

 

Do what's right for you! Because no one else will!

 

Be mysterious. Be in demand, be aloof, be attentive, be enigmatic. When she's guessing you're safe (can trust you with her feelings, emotions) ~ you're safe! When she thinks your safe ~ you're dead!

 

You have the supply ~ she has the demand! Make her an offer she can't refuse nor can find anywhere else!

 

Do not! I repeat DO NOT reverse-engineer your thinking, nor get too caught up in the paralysis of analysis trap! (Which BTW you are so caught up in right now ~ bet your not sleeping well huh!)

 

Her level of interest and attraction is what needs to be increasing!

 

Be mysterious by under-staying your welcome!

 

If you can't change it? You shouldn't be thinking about it, unless your deciding to do something about it!

 

Treat them like you don't like them, and make them work for your approval.

 

This one is very important! Women only care about how you make them feel!

 

Regain your power and authority over you!

 

Make no assumptions nor guesses about her world!

 

Relax! Unclench your fists and don't guess what's going on in her world! Keep you focus local!

 

Only her actions and not her words show how she really feels about you!

 

If your thinking about what she's thinking? You've lost control of yourself ~ get it back!

 

Women's logic is not your logic as a man! Don't try and figure her thinking out ~ you will go mad!

 

In the end? Worse case? In forty or fifty years down the road? Most women end up looking about the same, so you may as well have a good woman who will treat you right and make you happy!

[2sunny]

i can't see any reason to have a talk with her OM (your EXbf). anyway you look at it, and the end result - he still walks away with the upper hand. have some peace of mind knowing that two cheating a-holes somehow deserve each other and you have been given a gift for seeing her as the scum she really is.

 

i agree with Gunny... there are a lot of gals out there looking for decent men... don't settle for this fraction of a woman you previously referred to as your wife.

 

you need to move money! you need to guard what you have and put it your name only. if you don't now - SHE WILL! i guarantee it.

 

have her move! you have a right to stay settled as she has created this scene and should be the one to leave. try to keep the kids settled as much as you can. there is no way she will be consistent or predictable. her priority is her time alone with the OM. try to be unemotional (i know this is hard) but it will only benefit you in the long run. no need to try to get her back... her type isn't worth any repair consideration. what she's done isn't worth forgiving.

 

can you get the new house in your name only? all your bank money moved into accts with your name? if you don't now, do not be surprised when you walk into the bank and the accts are wiped out. she was checking on the money for a reason. if she's always paid the bills - you need to check and see what she has recently been paying/spending money on. keep checking - as the obligations you both have isn't her worry at this stage of her plan. she's willing to throw everything away for HIM - remember? keep that in mind and you will have an idea of what is to come.

 

do NOT be surprised at how horrible she will be/how bad things will get. TRY TO STAY 3 STEPS AHEAD OF HER. your future will depend on this.

 

good luck, keep posting.

[Campingman]

I hear what both of you are saying. I am buried in quicksand. I don't see a way of getting the house in my name without selling it prematurely and trying to buy it back. The kids are what is important to me. I also don't see how I can make her move out seeing that we are living in her mothers house. I see the end result as me holding my ground and her mom finally stepping in and having me removed from the house. I will be moving finances at my first opportunity. Thanks

[Darth Vader]

Would obtaining a legal separation be a viable option at this point? To help against any debt, or financial surprises that may be incurred by a possible cheating spouse? She may be looking at obtaining some of the money towards the house as a means of financing the possible affair, just my differing viewpoint. I say this because, if she's looking at the account used for building the house, well, it just looks Hokey to me, if she's never even handled the finances before, see where I'm coming from?

 

Gunny might know about this one better! Guns, What's your take on this?