9 months later, WS (EA) describes feelings of "great peace" for OP co-worker...

[five&dime]

Thanks for the feedback everyone.

 

For the sake of clarity, I need to address my wife's statement that one of our children "...has been diagnosed with seizures related to epilepsy." This is not necessarily the case.

 

The neurologist talked about our son's test results, and he showed us the printout of the test. He showed us where there is a nanosecond "blip" that he referred to as a "sign post"...a "marker" that could possibly be something or it might never amount to anything. He said that lots of people could be walking around with this sort of "sign post" happening occassionally and not necessarily even know it. He said it's possible that it could eventually amount to something, and he also said it might never manifest into anything substantial.

 

He said whatever that "sign post" is on the test, it's not something he was in any position to diagnose as a form of epilepsy, it's not something that would lead him to medicate the child, and it's not something that he would even feel the need to schedule a follow-up visit for or to schedule additional future tests. He said that if it becomes something, you'll know. Otherwise, just be aware that this "sign post" is there. Whether it ever amounts to anything, he couldn't and wouldn't say.

 

So, yes, it was sort of a good news/bad news thing... but he didn't say, "this is definitely a seizure related to epilepsy, and we need to medicate him and schedule further tests and follow-up." He just said to be aware that it was there and it may or may not become something. If it does, we'll go from there. I think my wife blew it out of proportion a little bit.

 

But, yes, it's certainly added to our stress, but not to the point of discovering that your child has a debilitating form of epilepsy. Far, far from it at this point.

 

Regarding our daughter going through puberty. She's a nine year old girl. Okay, so she's on puberty's doorstep. She's a good kid, straight A's, pretty, smart and seemingly well adusted and liked by everyone. She's growing up.

 

Regarding her 86-year old father...yes, he's getting older, and he's not in the best of health, hasn't been for the last couple of years. I absolutely empathize with that struggle for my wife. It is real, it's hard to endure, and it would be a worrisome thing for anyone with an elderly parent in ill-health. I understand that completely, and I know it has added to my wife's overall stress level. Of course I know that.

 

For desertmoon who said we are both being selfish: thanks for the thoughtful reply.

[pelicanpreacher]

Your problems began, Five&Dime, when your wife got elevated in her position and began earning more money than you did. Her sense of entitlement grew in tandem with the narcissism ballooning within her psyche to completely morph her attitude toward you and the marriage as secondary to her considerations. Notice that it is only now that she asserts that the job she holds represents the sole financial stability your family has always relied upon. She sees the work you do as somewhat utilitarian in that you only do it because you're not qualified to do something truly fulfilling and worthwhile as opposed to her job with a title and income which she truly loves. She also sees herself as the only adult in the household that's responsible for contending with the medical needs of an epileptic son, the budding womanhood of an insecure preteen daughter, and the impending death of a family member because you have never shown competence or strength in dealing with any crisis that happens in your marriage. Right now she's seeing your reaction to her "friendship" as grossly overblown and a completely unreasonable imposition by a husband that doesn't appreciate all that she does for the family, the significance of her professional accomplishments and also someone who wants to control who she befriends while refusing to act with the same level of maturity that she projects on important issues throughout this marriage. Now, she's so dissatisfied with you she's wondering if its worth staying married to you at all.

 

I posted some pointed questions earlier in your thread that you've chosen to ignore. Had you answered them then you might have actually advanced the cause of your marriage a bit farther in a more positive direction than you've shown thus far.

 

Good luck!

[desertmoon]

Uh, no I didn't miss the suggestion some of you are offering him to do. But did you all miss the 9 months he ALREADY gave her to do that??

 

On another front, I told her last night that I've sat idly by for nine months now patiently waiting for her to affect change in this situation, and the result is zero change in the "situation" (ie contact with dreamy co-worker/OM continues with no hope in sight that NC will EVER be established) and that our marriage is on the brink of collapse (if it's not already there).

 

I told her I'm not going to sit idly by anymore and that I'm going to try to affect change myself. At this point, what have I got to lose? Being patient and waiting for her to affect change in this situation has not worked one iota. It might be too late for me to affect change, but her way hasn't worked at all, and I've been very patient to allow her to try to extricate herself from the hell-hole she created herself.

 

She will not change. She is whining and make excuses because she wants her doormat back, not because she wants to work on her kids or her dad or her marriage. She would have done that already. Your suggestion of "more time" is giving her the doormat back she needs to continue in her ways.

 

and so, your advise is what again? all I am reading is what is wrong with her. What do YOU think they both should do considering there seems to be an impasse? In the meantime there is a sick child, a pre-teen daughter and sick father in-law?

 

Frankly, I am less concern about the spouses here. I am worried about the kids. But that is just me.

[five&dime]

All hail omnipotent PelicanPreacher, the One with every answer.

[five&dime]

Oh, and Dexter...I'd give you the link to her post, but I don't want to play dirty, and I fear many would just go over and eviscerate her, which is not something I want to happen at all. I really am looking for thoughtful discourse and advice.

 

On a personal note, Dexter...as a professional writer, I love reading your posts. I'd read them in book form if I could.

[Dexter Morgan]

Oh, and Dexter...I'd give you the link to her post, but I don't want to play dirty, and I fear many would just go over and eviscerate her, which is not something I want to happen at all. I really am looking for thoughtful discourse and advice.

 

On a personal note, Dexter...as a professional writer, I love reading your posts. I'd read them in book form if I could.

 

Understood about not wanting to post the link. But I would like to know what kind of things they are telling her. My guess is they are coddling her.

 

and I wouldn't have the patience to be a writer.

[five&dime]

Dexter - she's had two replies, and they both tell her to dump me (based on the very uninformative post she made, which I included above.)

 

Thanks.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Dexter - she's had two replies, and they both tell her to dump me (based on the very uninformative post she made, which I included above.)

 

I read her posts here too she's not telling the full story! they think your being controlling and possessive. but if she told them she had the emotional affair and is still doing it, she's wrong. You dump her! she gets left there standing in the dust. let the new OM be her husband. She's more in love with that job than she is you, I think a seperation on the way to divorce is what's called for. If the marriage is taking a toll on your self esteem and your need to feel safe in your relationship what's the point?

Thanks.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter - she's had two replies, and they both tell her to dump me

 

 

Yup, thats because birds of a feather flock together. They are half right though, but only because she'd be doing YOU a favor.

 

Funny, she cheats, and it is YOU she should dump according to those unscrupulous beings.

 

I read her posts here too she's not telling the full story!

 

What is her username?

[pelicanpreacher]

All hail omnipotent PelicanPreacher, the One with every answer.

 

And to think...I came up with all of that without having to read a word of what your wife had to say!!!

[five&dime]

Dexter - her username is "coping"...and the link to her thread is:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t185061/

 

The only reason I've decided to provide this link is because the sly JWI71 and WhichWayIsUp already found her and posted their opinions, so I figured it was just a short matter of time before the wherabouts of her thread showed up here.

 

Plus, after having to endure their in-depth, very specific, line-by-line observations, she decided that she was never going to come to loveshack ever again (of course, I believe she'll be back...and in no time flat.)

 

She also decided that some of the five posters just HAD to be paid bloggers on the loveshack payroll to keep traffic moving. Maybe she's right, maybe she's wrong. I asked how she came to this conclusion, and she said after a day or so with zero responses, she emailed loveshack to ask them to delete her post (something she tried to do the second she wrote it and hit the "submit" button...but it was too late). She said they obviously refused to do that and, instead, sent their paid hacks over to get the ball rolling. Conspiracy!

 

Plus, she said the high number of posts on some of these "paid bloggers" signatures just gives away that fact that they're on the payroll (which, obviously, discounts every mean and malicious syllable uttered by these corporate shills).

 

I told her that I'm not surprised that the second she saw somebody besides me holding her accountable that she would decide to discount their words, discount the entire website and run for the hills.

 

She blanketed the whole phony discourse as nothing more than paid bloggers "who don't know me personally and don't know my situation..." (well, they wouldn't based on the post she made detailing her situation).

 

I then asked her if, beside me, she has a single soul in her life that she confides in who will actually, when needed, point their finger at her and tell her when she's wrong about something or hold her accountable--any of her close friends or family who know what we're going through...

 

...and she said, "Well, I thought that's what our therapist was supposed to be doing." (It's Imago therapy, and up to this point (8 sessions in) the extent of his therapy has essentially been: "Okay, wife, mirror back what your husband said...now ask him if there is more...okay now mirror back what he said...ask him if there is more...okay, your turn wife, you have the floor...okay, husband, now mirror back what she said...now ask her if there is more...now mirror back what she said...(and on and on and on.)

 

I told her he hasn't done jack to point a finger and hold anyone accountable for anything, much less say, "you need to be doing this and this...and you need to be doing that and that...to try to resolve this issue and begin trying to really repair and rebuild from the horrible damage that has been done here."

 

Going in, he essentially said that his goal was to help us improve our communication with each other so that WS's continued contact with OM would become less of an issue for me. Blahbity blah blah blah.

 

I have such a headache.

 

Bottom-line is she doesn't really have anyone holding her feet to the fire besides me. The second she came here and others held her feet to the fire, she hit the road, and fast.

 

Seeing as she's "not EVER coming to loveshack again" (yeah, right), feel free to visit her thread. The sticks and stones any of you obviously mean-spirited and bitter paid bloggers throw at her will most certainly fade silently and harmlessly into the abyss...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t185061/

[Chrome Barracuda]

She just doesnt want to be wrong, she's willing to keep the affair fantasy fueled and going at any cost, she's living in a fog. Divorce might just what the doctor ordered. I'm saying that if she isnt serious about ending this EA and being transparent with herself, and rebuilding than what's the point of being married, kna what I mean? I'd rather be alone than to put up with an insufferable cheating woman. Even IF I was married to her.

 

 

...but that's just me. What do you want Five?

[whichwayisup]

She also decided that some of the five posters just HAD to be paid bloggers on the loveshack payroll to keep traffic moving. Maybe she's right, maybe she's wrong. I asked how she came to this conclusion, and she said after a day or so with zero responses, she emailed loveshack to ask them to delete her post (something she tried to do the second she wrote it and hit the "submit" button...but it was too late). She said they obviously refused to do that and, instead, sent their paid hacks over to get the ball rolling. Conspiracy!

 

Plus, she said the high number of posts on some of these "paid bloggers" signatures just gives away that fact that they're on the payroll (which, obviously, discounts every mean and malicious syllable uttered by these corporate shills).

 

All this means is, she really isn't ready to completely own her actions. She isn't holding herself accountable, not taking responsibility for her choices. She probably felt attacked, overwhelmed and her reaction is so out there! To think that some of us get paid for keeping LS going? This place is rocking and people join all the time. Some stay, and some go, but the majority of people who have stuck around are here to HELP others. Anyway, it just shows how much she's still in denial...And yes, I'm sure she's still lurking and reading. Just hope she posts again someday.

 

I wasn't mean to her on her thread. I didn't name call, I just told her more or less what she is/was doing is wrong and tried to help her, but we all know you can't help someone who isn't wanting the help.

[Owl]

It all boils down to the same thing we've told you over and over, 5&10.

 

She's suffered no real consequences for her actions. She's under no real pressure to change, because she doesn't feel that there will be any repercussions if she doesn't.

 

Given that...you can either change how you've interacted with her up to this point and see if actually suffering repercussions for her actions will cause a change...or you can file for divorce.

[Dexter Morgan]

Bottom-line is she doesn't really have anyone holding her feet to the fire besides me. The second she came here and others held her feet to the fire, she hit the road, and fast.

 

Why do you think that is? Because she didn't hear what she wanted? She didn't have people telling her that its your fault?

 

I'll read the post later, and even if not closed or more than 60 days old, I'll refrain from posting there(unless I already have before and just can't remember)

 

 

Seeing as she's "not EVER coming to loveshack again" (yeah, right), feel free to visit her thread. The sticks and stones any of you obviously mean-spirited and bitter paid bloggers throw at her will most certainly fade silently and harmlessly into the abyss...

 

Is that sarcasm? Or is that her view of it...that anyone that doesn't agree with her is bitter? Again, I'll read it later when more time allows.

[Dexter Morgan]

Ok, it was just short and I read it real quick.

 

I saw no sticks and stones....only the hard truth of things. If she says she isn't coming back after what people said in her post....then I'd say you have a real problem.

 

They wanted her to own what she did. If she doesn't like that kind of advice, you are going to be in a world of hurt. If that kind of advice was enough to drive her away, then she is only looking for coddling, sympathy, and for someone to tell her that she is not in the wrong, but that you are.

 

Seem that she loves her job more than her marriage as well. I'd say you may want to keep certain options open.