I'm getting really mixed signals! What does it all mean?

[xenonsrt10]

So there is girl I've been friends with for over a year and although we dont live in the state, we have seen each other a few times and talk very regularly (at the very least once a week). We get along very well and always are making fun of eachother, saying perverted things, inside jokes, etc.

 

Although we are good friends, I have always thought we could work well together and have really good chemistry as we are both quite quirky in our own regards and she is one of the few people that I feel that really be myself with since i have lots of funny quirks that people just dont relate and understand to. i recently went to visit said person and here are some details i picked up:

 

-she happpens to talk to a girl that i had a relationship with (which is one of her friends) the morning i come in town to hang out and she hasnt talked to this girl in a few months. it seems very interesting that she would talk to her the day i come in and earlier in the morning.

-she goes to a romatic spot to show me it in her town and says "no to be awkward...." and those type lines

-we clearly are flirting especially when she is mimicking me, spraying purfume on me, throwing things at me and daring me to do all these things which i do becuase i find it hilarious.

-she puts a large picture of herself on my laptop background

 

it seems like she is conflicted or something becuase she always mentions things like "friendship" and stuff when it is clear we are friends. its almost seems like she is in denial.

 

what do you guys think? thanks for reading it since it is long.

[xenonsrt10]

any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. thanks!

[Jack of Hearts]

I think you have a few options here. You could :

 

1. Not do anything and let things remain the way they are while you are pining for a resolution to present itself.

 

2. Move on and forget about it

 

or

 

3. Figure out what you want out of this. If she is what you want and worth your time then just make a move. Grab your balls and make a move.

 

That way she'll either:

 

1. Return your feelings and things will be awesome.

 

2. Let you know that she is just interested in friendship.

 

3. Express how she feels to you about your relationship.

 

Either way if you make a move and make your intentions known, you'll get her side of it. Even if it's not the answer you want to hear, you'll at least know the truth and you can proceed accordingly which is better than where you're at right now.

 

I hope this helps a little.

[xenonsrt10]

I think you have a few options here. You could :

 

1. Not do anything and let things remain the way they are while you are pining for a resolution to present itself.

 

2. Move on and forget about it

 

or

 

3. Figure out what you want out of this. If she is what you want and worth your time then just make a move. Grab your balls and make a move.

 

That way she'll either:

 

1. Return your feelings and things will be awesome.

 

2. Let you know that she is just interested in friendship.

 

3. Express how she feels to you about your relationship.

 

Either way if you make a move and make your intentions known, you'll get her side of it. Even if it's not the answer you want to hear, you'll at least know the truth and you can proceed accordingly which is better than where you're at right now.

 

I hope this helps a little.

 

thanks. these options give me some breathing room.

 

based on what info i gave you, what do you think about the situation?

[Yamaha]

If you don't know if she likes you the chances are she just see's you as a friend. If you want to know for sure then ask her for a date and make sure she knows it's not a friendship date. You have to be willing to accept rejection if you want to get things in life and this includes women.

[Jack of Hearts]

based on what info i gave you, what do you think about the situation?

 

Well, in my opinion I see you guys acting like friends. However, it might not be a bad thing because she seems to be very comfortable around you which is good.

 

But...

 

If you want to get romantically involved with her, you have to kick up the physical and sexuall element in your encounters. Now, I'm not talking about acting like a horn dog or throwing yourself at her, but you have to show her (not tell her) that you are interested in being something more than friends. Be subtle, but allow her to feel the tension between you two.

 

The difference of the dymanic between pals and girlfiends (that I have seen) is that in order for the girl to see you in a romantic light she has to be attracted to you sexually. If the attraction is not there, then she will be more than comfortable just being your buddy. Just try to present yourself in a different light in her mind.

 

By the way, does she know that you're interested in her in that way?

[xenonsrt10]

Well, in my opinion I see you guys acting like friends. However, it might not be a bad thing because she seems to be very comfortable around you which is good.

 

But...

 

If you want to get romantically involved with her, you have to kick up the physical and sexuall element in your encounters. Now, I'm not talking about acting like a horn dog or throwing yourself at her, but you have to show her (not tell her) that you are interested in being something more than friends. Be subtle, but allow her to feel the tension between you two.

 

The difference of the dymanic between pals and girlfiends (that I have seen) is that in order for the girl to see you in a romantic light she has to be attracted to you sexually. If the attraction is not there, then she will be more than comfortable just being your buddy. Just try to present yourself in a different light in her mind.

 

By the way, does she know that you're interested in her in that way?

 

Well my friend has probably told her or suggested it to her, but that hasnt change the way we act or talk to one another. we have est. that we are friends but what comes to my attention is she liking to emphasize it sometime to a great extent, which to me signifies some sort of denial.

 

well the thing is we already make suggestive comments like that and she has already said she finds me attractive so i think part is taken care of. there is no real awkwardness in what we tell each other.

[xenonsrt10]

so it really confuses me. but at the same time. i dont want to jeapardize a good friendship unless i feel like something positive can happen.

[Jack of Hearts]

so it really confuses me. but at the same time. i dont want to jeapardize a good friendship unless i feel like something positive can happen.

 

 

Ah ha!! I don't think you know what you want. If she is worth it, then you would be willing to risk your own pride, the friendship, your ego, everything. If she is worth it.

 

It's way too illogical to be thinking : "Okay, I will only make a move if I KNOW it will turn out in my favor." Life is never like that, especially when it comes to love and personal relationships. Someone has to take the risk. Hell, she might be wondering "What the heck is with this guy? Why hasn't he come after me? I guess he just sees me as a friend."

 

If you think about it, the more you stall and ponder and be indescisive you show her that you are indeed, a friend and nothing more.

 

If you feel that the chance is worth it, be the man and take it. If you value the friendship to the point that you don't want to risk it, then don't. But think about what you want and make it happen.

 

But, also remember, that if you decide to pursue the romance it will take time. If you come out and tell her how you feel she might be caught off guard and that is pretty unfair to her. Like I said before, if you want to start being more of a boyfriend type, then start showing her what you have to offer in that area. She'll see it, and when the time comes to talk about it she won't feel ambushed.

[xenonsrt10]

wow so true jack. haha. i mean i dont think i would surprise her if i finally said it and to be honest with you....when i saw her yesterday i was trying to make sure none of my feelings came out you know and i kept it very conservative.

 

ive been in and out with my feeling with this girl and after having 11 hours of me and her time just hanging out and stuff, i really felt like she was someone who i could genuinely be...me. and she is quirky just like myself so she understands and laughs at things many might be "lame" or "corny" humor which most people dont laugh at. she understands me and there is never awkward silences between us.

 

what still gets me jack is the whole overstating the "friends" thing. what could this mean? if she assumes that we are just friends why over clarify it? ive never made any advances on her like that so i dont feel there to be a great need to state it.

 

i appreciate you help.

[Jack of Hearts]

Dude, if she overemphasizes the friend concept, guess what? SHE'S FREAKIN' GAUGING YOU! She probably wants to know whats with you guys as much as you do. She is throwing these lures at you to see what you say. Furthermore, by overstating the friend thing, she does it without compromsing her emotions. Because if you were to reject her, then its okay because she was prepared to be just friends.

 

By the way, the whole "not to be akward" comment at the "romantic place". Guess what was on her mind? I deal with the same thing (if you look at my thread). She's says "we're not making out tonight" I'm thinking "okay woman, we just got in the car and you're already thinking about making out with me. We're not makin' out? Bullsh*t. Just watch." And guess what? It happens.

 

By that comment, "not to be akward" she realizes that there is a potential for that moment to be akward. Why is that do you think? What was your response to that by the way, because that was a huge lure from her.

 

What do you say whenever she throws the "friend" lure into the convo?

[xenonsrt10]

Dude, if she overemphasizes the friend concept, guess what? SHE'S FREAKIN' GAUGING YOU! She probably wants to know whats with you guys as much as you do. She is throwing these lures at you to see what you say. Furthermore, by overstating the friend thing, she does it without compromsing her emotions. Because if you were to reject her, then its okay because she was prepared to be just friends.

 

By the way, the whole "not to be akward" comment at the "romantic place". Guess what was on her mind? I deal with the same thing (if you look at my thread). She's says "we're not making out tonight" I'm thinking "okay woman, we just got in the car and you're already thinking about making out with me. We're not makin' out? Bullsh*t. Just watch." And guess what? It happens.

 

By that comment, "not to be akward" she realizes that there is a potential for that moment to be akward. Why is that do you think? What was your response to that by the way, because that was a huge lure from her.

 

What do you say whenever she throws the "friend" lure into the convo?

 

 

what do i say? i dont really acknowledge it. i dont know what to say!

 

it seems almost as if the ball is in my court jack. haha. sometime us guys just look too shallowly at situations. i think if i dont do something soon...it will be permanent friend zone for me.

 

i was letting her drive my car and she drove into a motel to turn around and makes a comment about motels and us implying...you know. haha just for fun of course.

 

and when we were watching a movie she blantantly tells me "im sitting in the were not together position" and eventually we are not touching but closer than before then she proceeds to throw popcorn and her napkin at me ensuing a little throw back.

 

so....this could be good then if she is gauging me?

[Jack of Hearts]

what do i say? i dont really acknowledge it. i dont know what to say!

 

it seems almost as if the ball is in my court jack. haha. sometime us guys just look too shallowly at situations. i think if i dont do something soon...it will be permanent friend zone for me.

 

i was letting her drive my car and she drove into a motel to turn around and makes a comment about motels and us implying...you know. haha just for fun of course.

 

and when we were watching a movie she blantantly tells me "im sitting in the were not together position" and eventually we are not touching but closer than before then she proceeds to throw popcorn and her napkin at me ensuing a little throw back.

 

so....this could be good then if she is gauging me?

 

Oh good God, man! Dude, I'm like literally loosing it right now. Let me tell you something. Do you know anything about Victorian Era England? Victorian England is known for being a very, very, very conservative era regarding human sexuality. Everything was primp and pomp, and manners, and etiquettte, etc. Well, guess what? Pornography was HUGE in Victorian England. Sex was everywhere! You know why? Because society said, "Sex is bad", "Sex is damaging to your health", "Sex spreads disease", "Sex is immoral", "Sex is a one way ticket to hell", "A Lady doesn't engage in premarital sex". How many times was the word "sex" mentioned? What are you thinking about right now? SEX! Why, because I'm writing about it.

 

Look, in my opinion the thought of you two being romantically involved is on her mind. It's up to you to almost make up her mind for her. There's a couple of ways you can handle this (I've seen both work, and both fail):

 

If she makes another luring friend comment you can:

 

1. Say something like "Yup, you're my best friend. I don't think I could ever see us as anything more. You're too good of a friend"

 

What this does is flip her script to where she may think "Wait, I like him, I want to be more than friends, I gotta get him to like me in that way." Then she might try to present herself as more of a friend to you.

 

or

 

2. Don't agree with her. Don't even acknowledge the word. If she says, "I'm glad we're friends" Say something like, "Well, I really enjoy your company, and I'm glad you enjoy mine." You didn't put yourself in the friendzone and you're being honest.

[xenonsrt10]

hmm. sounds intriguing. timing is key it seems in this situation.

 

in terms of you options couldnt i:

 

1) just let my feeling be know by just telling her?

 

i could avoid botching one of those lines/points and just go in for the real thing.

 

see she likes my good friend at one point last year and he tries to find out from her if she likes me. he never gets luck in doing so other that hearing "oh...me and _______ and just platonic" or something like that so those things kind of throw me around and are confusing.

[Jack of Hearts]

No, don't TELL her. You have to SHOW her, by your actions. And you're absolutely right, timing is key. What that means is, when the time comes to discuss it, let her initiate it. If you come right outta the gate and spill your heart to her, it puts her in a very awkward position emotionally and she will no doubt apply the friend label to you.

 

If you show her how you feel (by being more physical and flirtatious, not by romantic gestures), she will get the hint and by most accounts ask you about it. When she does, and this is important, tell her HOW SHE MAKES YOU FEEL. This may be a bit harder to think about because guys are selfish and will automatically think "I like this girl because she's beautiful, funny, smart, quirky, etc" because all too often will think of women as a prize and put more value on their own perceived happiness rather than hers. Which is fine and you can let her know that as well, but you need to figure out (write it down if you have to) how she makes you feel when she's around you and tell her that.

 

The last time I had one of these types of situations, when it came time to tell her why I enjoy her company so much I said "Let's see, I could tell you that you're beautiful and sexy, and... (apply all physical and cliche' compliments here), but that's not why I like you. I like you because when I'm with you I......(apply all emotional sentiments here).

 

She actually had tears in her eyes after that.

 

I have found that women appeal more to emotional states than logical explanations. So if the opportunity comes to express yourself through words, appeal to her emotions. Let her feel her good nature, not hear about it from you.

[xenonsrt10]

No, don't TELL her. You have to SHOW her, by your actions. And you're absolutely right, timing is key. What that means is, when the time comes to discuss it, let her initiate it. If you come right outta the gate and spill your heart to her, it puts her in a very awkward position emotionally and she will no doubt apply the friend label to you.

 

If you show her how you feel (by being more physical and flirtatious, not by romantic gestures), she will get the hint and by most accounts ask you about it. When she does, and this is important, tell her HOW SHE MAKES YOU FEEL. This may be a bit harder to think about because guys are selfish and will automatically think "I like this girl because she's beautiful, funny, smart, quirky, etc" because all too often will think of women as a prize and put more value on their own perceived happiness rather than hers. Which is fine and you can let her know that as well, but you need to figure out (write it down if you have to) how she makes you feel when she's around you and tell her that.

 

The last time I had one of these types of situations, when it came time to tell her why I enjoy her company so much I said "Let's see, I could tell you that you're beautiful and sexy, and... (apply all physical and cliche' compliments here), but that's not why I like you. I like you because when I'm with you I......(apply all emotional sentiments here).

 

She actually had tears in her eyes after that.

 

I have found that women appeal more to emotional states than logical explanations. So if the opportunity comes to express yourself through words, appeal to her emotions. Let her feel her good nature, not hear about it from you.

 

thanks man. now i have alot to work on. the sucky thing is i probably wont see her until the summer which really is a downer.

 

i just keep getting the feeling that im reading these signs wrong you know? that this is all going to end up backfiring. i mean signs say something, but i just feel pessimistic about it all.

 

must...think...positively.

 

tell me though jack what makes you think she actually likes me? i mean i see signs but i still dont see obvious signs like with most girls.

[Jack of Hearts]

Yeah, not being able to see her until the summer is a bit of a bummer, but I would use the time to really think about what you want. This is a great opportunity to gather your thoughts on the issue.

 

And I think she might like you because if she truly only saw you as a friend then there would be absolutely no mention of anything else. Just the fact that she ALWAYS brings up that you're just friends (on her own, not after you've said or done anything) tells me that's it's at least on her mind. If she's thinking about it, then she's thinking about it.

 

I've had a few like these, but women can be strange creatures sometimes.

[xenonsrt10]

thanks for all your help jack. ill update this post when i find out more.

[xenonsrt10]

jack here a few chats we have had the past few months and what she said:

 

***

her: uhhh..are you gay?

seriously?

 

me:hell no girl

haha

your insane

thinking of questions....

hmm...

are you gay?

hmm...

 

her: no.

 

me: "yes i am"

 

her: "yes andy. that's why i'm attracted to you"

 

***

 

i didnt really respond to the part above, but she says this later:

 

***i just, as a weird reminder, i do love you very much as a friend. and im sorry if i haven't been there for you enough. i appreciate you alot andrew.. and i think you're a wonderful person

and i just..im sorry about everything with laura, i know it sucked and still does.

and..you've just been there for me alot and i cant tell you how much that means.

you really are important to me and i hope you know how grateful i am for our friendship***

 

im so confused! its almost like she has to keep claifying it since i dont respond to obvious statements like her being "attracted to me". you know?

[LovieDove24]

Dude, you're being dumb. The reason she asked if you were gay was because she was putting out enough signals (saying shes attracted to you) and you never had the balls to respond to her. The reason she keeps bringing up the 'friends' thing is because, again, she's put herself out there a few times and got absolutely no response from you. Its called self-preservation. And most women are only going to go so far as to drop a few hints rather than ask a guy out herself...if you don't catch on, thats it. You'll be friendzoned. This thread could have stopped after Jack of Hearts gave you his first bit of advice. Either you let the girl know honestly and candidly that you'd like to try more than friendship with her, or you don't. No need to over-analyze the situation. Sheesh.

[Jack of Hearts]

LovieDove is right. If you continue to give her reasons to put you in the friendzone, then she will have no other choice but to do so. The next thing you're gonna tell me is "Dude, she was laying next to me in my bed naked stroking her hair and smiling at me. What does that mean? What do I do?" I know that's extreme, but you have to be able to recognize the hints and vibes she's giving off. If you are unreceptive, then you place yourself in the friendzone.

[xenonsrt10]

Dude, you're being dumb. The reason she asked if you were gay was because she was putting out enough signals (saying shes attracted to you) and you never had the balls to respond to her. The reason she keeps bringing up the 'friends' thing is because, again, she's put herself out there a few times and got absolutely no response from you. Its called self-preservation. And most women are only going to go so far as to drop a few hints rather than ask a guy out herself...if you don't catch on, thats it. You'll be friendzoned. This thread could have stopped after Jack of Hearts gave you his first bit of advice. Either you let the girl know honestly and candidly that you'd like to try more than friendship with her, or you don't. No need to over-analyze the situation. Sheesh.

 

yeah i guess i am. the deal is this though:

 

she always is making fun of me calling me a fag and gay and stuff (she knows im straight) so when she does this i assume it to me the usual horsing around except this time she throws this random "yes andy thats why im attracted to you" out there BUT with quotation marks since I was using them as well before. What do you take from this?

 

I mean to most people I ask it seems like a nobrainer...my deal is that I want to keep my friendship with her even if this doesnt work out.

[Jack of Hearts]

Dude, you're thinking WAY too much into this. If she's horsing around about sexuality, hell, horse around back. The next time she's says you're gay (or accuses you of being gay) say something bold like "Woman, I'll ravish you where you stand!" or something to that effect (I've actually said that to a girl and she called my bluff, so I showed her a good time, ha). But no, she's keeping it light and funny, and you're reading too much into it and taking it too seriously. She's flirting with you and you're shutting her down, so just go with the flow and flirt back. Oh and if she makes another remark about her being attracted to you(or you being attractive) say something like "Damn right!" or "Wow, nothing gets passed you does it?" or "Thanks for pointing out the obvious." A little "Awe, thanks" will get you nowhere, unless you say "Awe, you totally want me. That's so cute!" Dude, just have fun with her, be creative and if she throws it at you, throw it back. Nobody likes playing catch with someone who keeps the ball and says "thanks".

[xenonsrt10]

this is getting out of hand. im saying something tomorrow.

 

im on facebook right and i get poked by her. she sends me a pretty irrelevant text just a little bit ago and i tell her she poked me and im gonna poke her back. she is denying it and claiming someone else did it. haha i am calling bs because she doesnt live in my state and i dont know like any of her school friends. this is getting rediculous. i even hinted a few things at me liking her. it seems like she is denying everything now.

 

and she decided to call me a faggot now. haha i think i am watching her deny it all right in front of my eyes. you think the same?

[guitar23]

This is a classic example of "cat and mouse" and she is eating it up. If you go for it now, you should be money.