moimeme Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 I am dealing with a person who is in denial about the danger of her relationship situation. I am doing all I can to try to keep her from walking back into the situation. I think I'm getting through. At least I hope so. This one has complications that are over my head, but so far she'll talk to no 'outsiders' so it's me. Please say a prayer or burn your barbecue as sacrifice or request cosmic intervention from the universe that I manage to persuade her to not endanger herself by going back even to get possessions. Link to post Share on other sites
cindy0039 Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 I'll keep positive thoughts for you (and her). Would you care to share with us the situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Iamhappy Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 I hope everything turns out ok for you and your friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moimeme Posted October 13, 2003 Author Share Posted October 13, 2003 It's an abuse situation - but his past is very troublesome. Link to post Share on other sites
CaterpillarGirl Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 How frightening! And so stressful for you, too, Moimeme. I pray that everything turns out all right. If she insists on going, hire her a bodyguard. Seriously. If her life could be in danger, it's not too much. Link to post Share on other sites
Iamhappy Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 You are a good friend aren't you? If she doesn't listen to you and you end up accompanying her to get her possessions PLEASE PLEASE bring along other people (for safety reasons). Link to post Share on other sites
Author moimeme Posted October 13, 2003 Author Share Posted October 13, 2003 I don't want to go at all. I told her I'd call the police to accompany her if she tried to go on her own and she got FURIOUS with me. But what do I do? Let her walk into potential danger alone? Go with her and both of us get in trouble? Link to post Share on other sites
niko1999 Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 Good for you moi. Not that youre a person who generally needs encouragement, but you seem to be doing a great job. I know how hard it is to get a freind away from an abusive relationship. Best of luck, Im sure it will work out fine with you by your freinds side Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 o, moi, how hard on you. you're a good friend. i really hate to ask this, but is there any male friend or relative that can come with you? barring that, any official that she would allow to come? even a mediator, security guy, something? Link to post Share on other sites
CaterpillarGirl Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 Please, please, do not put yourself in danger! If she believes she has nothing to fear from this man, why would she refuse a police escort "just in case?" What if you told her that "you" would feel more comfortable with them there? Oh my God, why do women put themselves in these situations?!? I had a friend who worked at a women's shelter. The horror, the horror! WHY?! I feel so much for you, Moimeme. But please don't risk your life. Is there a way you can arrange for security for her in a discreet way? Link to post Share on other sites
Iamhappy Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 You say she's not willing to talk to outsiders about this, but it may be necessary to get outside help especially if she's going to be putting her life and possibly yours in danger. You might lose a friend over this, but it's easier to revive a friendship than it is to revive a - well you get my drift. Do you think you might be able to get help/advice from the women's shelters in your area? Link to post Share on other sites
Iamhappy Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 Some stuff I googled: How Can Victims Get Help? There is help available and people who care. This is Cycle of Personal Responsibility (COPR). It is broken down into these 5 steps so victims can empower themselves and seek help. Awareness - First the victim must become aware that there is a problem, its not their fault, they won’t take it any, and they can do something about it. Options - The second thing to do is list possible solutions. It may seem like you have no options when you are caught in a bad situation, but you do. Examples of some options are: Leave the place where the abuse is taking place Contact a domestic violence organization/shelter and get their assistance Join a support group Call 911 for police assistance Identify other safe places and safe people Contact a friend, counselor, neighbor, or someone you trust to seek help or just talk Choice - The third thing to do is to choose the option that is best and safest for you. If your choice doesn’t work try another option, no one deserves to be abused. Plan - The fourth thing to do is make sure that you will be safe in the process of getting help. (Example: Get to a phone at a safe location and time when the abuser can not hurt you. Do It - Lastly, make the call, get help, and do what need to be done. No one deserves to be abused. Remember if you are abused you are not alone How to Support a Friend who is being Abused Listen to the Victim Try to be understanding and believe them Never pass judgement on the victim or the abuser Be sensitive toward what they are saying Take things seriously Don’t interrupt them while they are speaking Validate their feelings and strengths. Foster Empowerment (Options not Advice) Never tell the victim what to do Give options so they can make their own decisions and empower themselves Provide them with the resources so they can seek more assistance if they want to Make sure they understand that no one deserves abuse and its not their fault Strictly Confidential Everything they tell you is strictly confidential The reason why they are telling you anything is because they trust you Don’t take matters into your own hands Connect Them to Resources If you see signs of physical abuse, notify the authorities If you are afraid or cannot handle what the victim is talking about give them resources where they can seek help Help devise a safety plan Be Respectful toward their Decisions Regardless of whether they want help or not, let them know that you will always be there. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 I know how hard it is to see a loved one heading down a path that you know will prove disastrous for them. And definitely as her friend you should tell her what you think, as you have been doing. People get caught up in the little details and considerations that only they are privy to -- and they fail to see the bigger picture that more objective people can see. So it's hard. It's also hard to feel that you are responsible for another person's well-being. Right now it sounds like you are the only thing standing between your friend and a potentially dangerous situation. And even so you're barely holding her back. That's a lot of pressure. And maybe you're even a little caught up in the details -- you mentioned that you're the only person she has confided in, the only person who is aware of the situation. Is that for the best? A few months ago a friend of mine was in a really bad state, and was heading back into a situation that was dangerous physically and emotionally. It involved his job. In a couple of emails to me sent over the course of a couple of days he mentioned suicide because he was so depressed. He was half way around the world, so I couldn't get to him. But I got in touch with his sister, and with his boss, and let them know what he'd been saying to me. He knows I spoke with his sister, but he doesn't know I talked to his boss. At first he was pissed off at me for talking to his sister, but he soon recognized that I'd done what any responsible person would do. I didn't doubt for a second that I had done the right thing. In the meantime I'd been communicating with him myself, and thankfully he pulled through his crisis. I don't know how much of it was because of me directly, or because of assistance I was indirectly responsible for by alerting others to the problem. But I never could have lived with myself if he hurt himself and I hadn't tried to do everything I could to stop it. When someone is in crisis where their health and safety are at risk, the more people who know the better. More people looking out for the troubled person. More people able to intervene if needed. Not only is it a burden to you to feel that you are solely responsible for getting your friend through her crisis, it might be unreasonable to think that you can do it single-handedly. Breaking a confidence when the person's safety is at stake is, in my view, completely ethical. Good luck. Let us know how it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
Iamhappy Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 More stuff I googled from letsprotect.com - I looked up your profile and saw Canada so these are Canadian numbers. These are helplines for sexual assault, but it says somewhere that domestic violence is something they also deal with. There is help out there if you know where to look. We have and will be continuing to place help and resource centres on this page for all of North America and the world. If there are other centres that you know of, please Email them to us so others will be able to locate them in the city they live in. The people who work in these resource centres are wonderful people that are there to help you no matter what your situation may be. If you need someone to talk to or to find out what your rights are, they are there. If you need full protection, legal resources, or financial help, they can help you make a more informed decision. You have the strength to overcome any situation, and with the appropriate help, support and guidence, you will. Sexual Assault Treatment Centres (SATC's) provide care to women, men and children who have recently been sexually assaulted. There are 28 hospital-based programs in Ontario Canada. Services include: emergency medical and nursing care, crisis intervention, forensic evidence collection, medical follow-up, and counselling. Domestic Violence is now also included under their mandate at specific centres. SATC's services are based on the following values: -To provide care in a non-judgmental manner -To assist the victim/survivor to reclaim her/his autonomy -To encourage the victim/survivor to make decisions about their own care -To deem the assailant responsible for the violent behaviour -To recognize that Sexual Assault and Domestic Violence are critical issues that must be addressed by the health care, social and political system. Let's Define Sexual Assault. Sexual Assault is any form of sexual activity with another person without her or his consent. It is recognized as a crime of violence. During an assault, the sexual acts serve as a vehicle for acting out aggression, hostility, and/or control. Let's Define Domestic Violence. Domestic Violence is the abuse between persons who have known each other in an intimate, sexual or familiar way. Abuse is the misuse of power with the intent of harming or controlling another person. This abuse can be physical, mental, sexual, or economical. 24 HOUR EMERGENCY NUMBERS FOR THE TORONTO AREA Emergency 911 Assaulted Women's Helpline (416) 863-0511 Toronto Rape Crisis Centre (416)597-8808 Distress Centres (416) 598-1121 (416) 486-1456 Sexual Assault/Rape Crisis Center of Peel (905) 273-9442 York Region Women's Sexual Assault Helpline (416) 213-7499 (905) 895-7313 S.O.S. Femmes French Crisis Line (416) 759-0138 Kids Help Phone 1-800-668-6868 Children's Aid Society (416) 924-4646 Catholic Children's Aid Society (416) 395-1500 Woman's Own Withdrawal Management Centre (416) 603-1462 ONTARIO NETWORK OF SEXUAL ASSAULT CARE/TREATMENT CENTRES. Belleville Sexual Assault Response Team (613)969-0294 Brantford General Hospital (519) 751-5507 Chatham/Kent Health Alliance (519) 352-6400 ext. 2699 Cornwall General Hospital (613) 932-3000 ext. 4202 Dufferin County Sexual Assault Program, Orangeville (519) 941-2410 ext. 2255 Durham Regional Sexual Assault Care Centre, Oshawa (905) 668-3050 Guelph General Hospital (519) 822-5350 ext. 728 Hamilton Health Sciences Corp. (905) 521-2100 ext. 73185 Kenora Lake of the Woods District Hospital (807) 468-9861 ext. 428 Kitchener/Waterloo Waterloo Region Sexual Assault Treatment Centre (519) 749-6994 Smith Falls Lanark County Sexual Assault Program (613) 257-1837 / (613) 283-2330 ext. 1258 Brockville Leeds & Grenville Sexual Assault Program (613) 345-3881 London St. Joseph's Health Centre Domestic Violence Program (519) 646-6100 ext. 64579 Mississauga Trillium Health Centre Domestic Violence Program (905) 848-7580 ext. 7493 Orillia Sexual Assault Treatment Centre Domestic Violence Program (705) 327-9155 Ottawa Sexual Assault Treatment Program (613) 798-5555 ext. 6555 Owen Sound Sexual Assault Care Centre (519) 376-2121 ext. 2458 Peterborough Sexual Assault Program (705) 743-4132 Renfrew County Sexual Assault/Partner Assault Program (613) 432-4851 ext. 224 Richmond Hill York Region Sexual Assault Care Centre (905) 883-2383 Sarnia General Hospital (519) 464-4522 Sault Ste. Marie Sault Area Hospitals (705) 759-5143 Scarborough The Scarborough Grace Division (416) 495-2555 Sioux Lookout Sexual Assault Program (807) 737-3030 ext. 2024 St. Catharines General Hospital (905) 684-7271 ext. 5301 Sudbury St. Joseph's Health Centre Domestic Violence Program (705) 675-4743 Toronto Hospital for Sick Children (416) 813-6178 Toronto Sunnybrook & Women's College Health Sciences Centre Domestic Violence Program (416) 323-6040 Windsor Hotel Dieu Grace Hospital Domestic Violence Program (519) 255-2234 Provincial Coordinator for SATC's Toronto (416) 323-6400 ext. 4472 Shelters and Hostels, Toronto Area: Hostel Services Central Intake (416) 397-5637 Street Helpline (416) 392-3777 Anduhyaun Residence (416) 920-1492 Covenant House Emergency Shelter for Youth (416) 598-4898 Emily Stowe Shelter for Women Scarborough (416) 264-4357 Ernestine's Women's Shelter Rexdale (416) 746-3701 Fred Victor Centre Women's Hostel (416) 368-2642 Horizons for Youth Emergency Shelter (416) 781-9898 Interim Place Mississauga (905) 271-1860 Interval House (416) 924-1491 Juliette's Place Scarborough (416) 724-1316 Nellie's (416) 461-1084 North York Women's Shelter (416) 635-9630 Oshawa YMCA Women's Residence (416) 576-8880 Redwood Women's Shelter (416) 533-8538 Salvations Army Evangeline Shelter (416) 762-9636 Society of St. Vincent De Paul Mary's Home (416) 595-1578 Society of St. Vincent De Paul Rendu House (416) 864-0792 Woodgreen Red Door family Shelter (416) 469-3457 Women in Transition Bloor House (416) 533-1175 Women in Transition Spadina House (416) 967-5227 Women's Habitat of Etobicoke (416) 252-5829 Yellow Brick House Aurora (905) 727-1944 Yorktown Shelter for Women (416) 394-2999 YWCA Women's Shelter (416) 693-7342 YWCA Stop 86 Young Women (416) 922-3271 YWCA Woodlawn Women's Emergency Shelter (416) 923-8454 ALBERTA ANZAC Crisis Line 780-743-4357 Link to Helpline-Fort McMurray ATHABASCA 1-800-565-3801 Athabasca Crisis Association BANFF Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 BARRHEAD Crisis Line 1-800-232-7288 BARONS Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 BASSANO Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 BLAIREMORE Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 BLACKFOOT RESERVE Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 BLOOD RESERVE Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 BOW ISLAND Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 BROCKET Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 BROOKS Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 CALGARY Distress Centre/Drug Centre Crisis Line 403-266-1605 Teen Line 403-264-8336 Canadian Mental Health Association, Suicide Services 403-297-1744 Mental Health Line, 403-777-2200, 4:00pm to 12:00pm with link to the Distress Centre Crisis line during other hours. Eastside and Westside Family Centres, crisis 403-299-9699, or 1-800-563-6106 CALGARY Telecare Crisis Line 403-266-0700 CAMROSE Crisis Line 780-672-4357 CANMORE Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 CARDSTON Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 CLARESHOLM Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 COALDALE Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 COALHURST Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 COCHRANE Crisis Line 403-932-7707 COLD LAKE Crisis Line 780-594-3353 LAKELAND Mental Health Crisis Line 1-800-255-3353 (Lakeland region only) COLEMAN Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 CONKLIN Crisis Line 1-800-565-3801 COUTTS Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 COWLEY Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 DRAYTON VALLEY Crisis Line 1 800 232-7288 EDEN VALLEY RESERVE Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 EDMONTON Support Network Crisis Line 780-482-4357 EDMONTON Salvation Army Crisis Line 780-429-0230 EDSON Crisis Line 1-800-232-7288 ENILDA Crisis Line 780-523-4357 FAIRVIEW Crisis Line 780-835-2120 FORT CHIPEWYAN Crisis Line 1-800-565-3801 FORT MACLEOD Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 FORT McKAY Crisis Line 780-743-4357 FORT McMURRAY Crisis Line 780-743-4357 GLEICHEN Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 GRANDE CACHE Crisis Line 780-827-4004 GRANDE PRAIRIE Crisis Line 780-539-6666 HIGH LEVEL Crisis Line 780-926-3899 HIGH PRAIRIE Crisis Line 1-800-232-7288 HIGH RIVER Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 HINTON Crisis Line 1-800-232-7288 JASPER Crisis Line 1-800-232-7288 LAC LA BICHE Crisis Line 1-800-565-3801 LAKELAND MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS LINE Lakeland Region only - 1-800-255-3353 LAKE LOUISE Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 LETHBRIDGE The Samaritans Crisis Line 320-1212 or 1-800-667-8089 MCGRATH Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 MEDICINE HAT Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 MILK RIVER Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 MORLEY Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 NANTON Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 OKOTOKS Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 OYEN Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 PEACE RIVER Crisis Line 780-624-2244 PEIGAN RESERVE Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 PICTURE BUTTE Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 PINCHER CREEK Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 RAYMOND Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 REDCLIFF Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 RED DEER Crisis Line 403-340-1120 SLAVE LAKE Crisis Line 780-849-2999 ST. PAUL Crisis Line 780-645-5195 or 1-800-263-3045 STRATHMORE Crisis Line 403-934-6634 STONEY RESERVE Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 SUCKER CREEK Womens Shelter Crisis Line 780-523-4357 TABER Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 TURNER VALLEY Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 VAUXHALL Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 VEGREVILLE Crisis Line 780-632-7070 VERMILION Crisis Line 1-800-661-4606 VULCAN Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 WABASCA/DEMARAIS Crisis Line 1-800-565-3801 WATERTON PARK Crisis Line 1-800-667-8089 WHITECOURT Crisis Line 1-800-232-7288 BRITISH COLUMBIA (Vancouver Island) CAMPBELL RIVER Crisis Line 250-287-7743 COWICHAN Crisis Line 250-748-1133 NANAIMO - Central Vancouver Island Crisis Society Crisis Line 250-754-4447 COURTENAY/COMOX - Crossroads Crisis Centre Society Crisis Line Crisis Line 250-334-2455 PARKSVILLE/QUALICUM BEACH-District 69 Crisis Line 250-248-3111 PORT HARDY - North Island Crisis & Counselling Centre Society Crisis Line 250-949-6033 PORT ALBERNI - KUU-US Crisis Society Crisis Line 250-723-4050 VICTORIA - NEED Crisis & Information - Crisis Line 250-386-6323 (Lower Mainland/Frasier Valley) ABBOTSFORD - Central Fraser Valley Telecare Crisis Line 604-852-9099 CHILLIWACK - Crisis Line 604-792-7242 RICHMOND - Chimo Crisis Services Crisis Line English 604-279-7070 Crisis Line Cantonese 604-278-8283 Crisis Line Mandarin 604-279-8882 MISSION - Mission Community Services Crisis Line 604-820-1166 Teen Crisis Line 24 hours 604-462-7900 COQUITLAM - Greater Coquitlam Crisis and Information Crisis Line 604-540-2221 NORTH VANCOUVER - Squamish Nation Crisis Centre Crisis Line 604-904-1257 SURREY - South Fraser Regional Crisis Line Crisis Line 604-951-8855 VANCOUVER - Crisis Intervention & Suicide Prevention and Suicide Prevention Centre for Greater Vancouver Crisis Line 604-872-3311 (Northern B.C.) WILLIAMS LAKE -Crisis and Counselling Program Crisis Line 250-398-8224 PRINCE GEORGE - Prince George Crisis Intervention Society Crisis Line 250-563-1214 Teen Crisis Line 250-564-8336 NEW BRUNSWICK CHIMO HELPLINE Crisis Line 450-4357 Provincial Toll free 1-800-667-5005 HELP AU SECOURS INC. Crisis Line 506-859-4357 NORTHWEST TERRITORIES KAMATSIAQTUT- Baffin Island - Crisis Line 819-979-3333 Toll Free 1-800-265-3333 KEEWATIN CRISIS LINE - Rankin Inlet - Crisis Line 819-645-3333 HELPLINE WESTERN ARCTIC - Yellowknife - Crisis Line - 1-800-661-0844 NOVA SCOTIA Metro Help Line - (24 hours) (crisis) 902 421-1188 Nova Scotia Youth Help Line Phone 1-800-420-8336 Valley Care Line (crisis) 902 825-4884 Sydney Help Line (crisis) 902 562-4357 Pictou County Help Line (crisis) 902 752-5952 South Shore Help Line (crisis) 902 742-1331 SASKATCHEWAN North East Crisis Intervention Centre Melfort (crisis) 306 752-9455 24 Hour West Central Crisis & Family Support Centre Kindersley (crisis) 306 463-4357 Mobile Crisis Services Regina (crisis) 757-7803 Prince Albert Mobile Crisis Unit Cooperative (crisis) 306 764-1011 Saskatoon Crisis Intervention Service (crisis) 306 933-6200 South West Crisis Services, Ltd. Swift Current (crisis) 306 778-3833 YUKON Yukon Crisis Line Yukon Territory (crisis) 403 668-9111 Please E-mail us at [email protected] Link to post Share on other sites
Author moimeme Posted October 13, 2003 Author Share Posted October 13, 2003 Cindy, Iamnot, Caterpillar, Niko, Jenny, Midori Thank you so much for your time and trouble. I really appreciate it. She went back. She went to have a nap, she said. She called him and he did the old abuse song-and-dance and she's gone back. I couldn't stop her and she wouldn't let me go with. I called the shelter and the police but nobody can do anything unless she reports something and she flatly refused. Midori - she has told several people. In fact, this guy's rep was known before she started going out with him. I had her talk to two other friends today. Nobody could budge her. She seemed to be having a sense of it all for a while but she slipped right back. It's as though she thinks if she wishes it not to be true hard enough, it won't be. o, moi, how hard on you. you're a good friend. i really hate to ask this, but is there any male friend or relative that can come with you? barring that, any official that she would allow to come? even a mediator, security guy, something? Nope. It's Thanksgiving. Everybody's with friends or family. She refused all help. Doesn't want to 'embarrass' the guy before his friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Iamhappy Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 I know this must be so frustrating for you. The only thing you can do now is just be there for her and hope she comes to her senses. I'll say a prayer for both of you tonight. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moimeme Posted October 13, 2003 Author Share Posted October 13, 2003 Not so much frustrating as I feel as though I've failed. Thanks. Prayers are needed for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Iamhappy Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 You haven't failed. In fact, you've done more than most people are willing to do. Failure is attained only when we say and do nothing. I'm still hoping things will turn around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moimeme Posted October 13, 2003 Author Share Posted October 13, 2003 Yeah. Me too. Maybe he'll do just enough to scare her into getting out and staying out without actually damaging her. Link to post Share on other sites
niko1999 Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 YOu havent failed. Failing would be if you gave up on her, an dsaid "to hell with you" and you didnt do that. Keep trying, becuase the chances of you getting her away the first time, for good, isnt very likley. And just continue to be her freind, butt in even when she doesnt want you to, becuase she really does want you to. Correction, she really NEEDS you to. Seh seems like the kind of person that has a bit of hard time standing up for herself, at least, that is what I have found of people in abusive realtionships. You, as hard as it is right now, need to continue to be a piller of streagnth for her, and by doing so, you will not fail, you will succeed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moimeme Posted October 13, 2003 Author Share Posted October 13, 2003 Thanks. I sure hope so. She's coming over today and I asked her to do a safety plan with me. Link to post Share on other sites
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