Agbaile1964 Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 My husband and I have been together 7.5 years, married one this month. However we parted six months ago when he left me due to our children. (We have a son each.) and arguments Recently he came back saying he wanted to put his ring back on and try again. We talked a lot and I agreed out of love. Two days later he confesses he`d been seeing another a woman `for a few weeks,` but it had `been over a while,` because he realised he wanted to be with me. That`s bad enough, but she`s pregnant! I am so mixed up about what to do and how i feel that I cant think straight. Least of all because it`s the second time he`s seen someone else in our relationship. Also I became pregnant seven years ago and he wanted me to terminate, but I miscarried at 11 wks and never dared to approach the subject with him again, despite the fact i would love to have had his child. (I'm now 44.) Also the fact he jumped into bed in less than six months separation eats away at me. I do love him, we`ve had some lovely times together, and get on great as people and know each other so well, that sometimes we don`t even need to speak, it was just trying to juggle a stepfamily that ended us at the time, all four of us living together Could I ever get over this though? How do you put it behind you The other woman is in her early 40s with thyroids and Endometriosis and my husband hopes she`ll lose it, but as she has a history of miscarriage and no children, I don't wish that on herI see myself as the victim and feel my husband was used but stupid, and I feel betrayed, anger and a huge loss at what we had and that will never be the same. Do I walk or stay? I cant imagine life without him, but part of me tells me that I may be better off, even though he has come to me, been honest and layed his cards on the table. He tells me he knows he`s f....d up and knows where he really wants to be now, and that`s with me. He`s very attentive, very wordy, where he never used to be and we are talking things through constantly, all good positive things. He is till secretive with his phone though, and thats despite my protests, he even sat in the car one night as she rang, but continued to tell me that he was just ranting at her. I feel very confused by his behaviour as when he`s home it`s like old times again, and he says he wishes he`d never left, but hes confused over what she`ll expect of him regaurding the baby, though she too is with her husband. I just don`t know? Has anyone out there been through this and come through it together and happy? Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 He is till secretive with his phone though, and thats despite my protests, he even sat in the car one night as she rang, but continued to tell me that he was just ranting at her. Although I read the whole thing this is really all I needed. You are talking to this man, with whom you have a very long history, about reconciliation even in the face of all he is bringing to the table. The very least he could do if he wants YOU and wants this relationship to work is be an open book about everything. It would be one thing if he was using his phone normally and not caring if you heard it or not but going out to his car, etc. means he is having conversations that he is deliberately making sure you do not hear any part of. If it were me I'd be saying, "you are asking me to go down a road that hurt and failed again while hoping for a different ending. If you are asking me to do that and are committed to making it work this time I need everything out on the table. No secrets and certainly no hidden conversations with this woman that you say it's over with." Either he is an open book and provides questions to any and all questions without hiding crap or you kick him to the curb. Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 You stated this is the second time he has stepped out on your relationship.....You're with him still why? Love? That's not love, and if it is, must be a pretty "I'm dependent on you kind of love." He now has a child by another woman on the way...You know, its pretty much all about , what YOU will and will not tolerate....my guess is, if he has done this twice to you..at some point if you stay, it may happen again...don't allow it to...good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
troubadour Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 Run away from him as fast as you can. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 The other woman is in her early 40s with thyroids and Endometriosis and my husband hopes she`ll lose it[/i] This bothers me a great deal. If I was in his shoes, maybe I'd have passing thoughts along those lines, but then I'd catch myself and give myself some hell for entertaining such crappy, selfish and unworthy thoughts. To give voice to those thoughts without acknowledging how crappy they are is disturbing. Combined with the other things you've noted, he sounds like a man who's selfish to the point of an almost complete lack of regard for other people, including you. My advice to is get the hell out of this relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 #1 All normal people have a thyroid. I assume you mean "fibroids", and how in the world do you know so much about her medical history? There is so much wrong here that I don't know what to say. You have only been married one year, and separated for half of that. WHY in the world did you get married after being together so long? Didn't you both know about any ongoing issues with your sons during the first 6.5 years? Who wanted the marriage more? My gut suspicion is that he was having an affair prior to separation from you. He left you, and his OW found herself pregnant and decided to stay with her husband. H has no better place to go, and he is going to get a double whammy for child support/alimony (already paying for his own child, will pay for his new child, and could possibly be ordered by a judge to pay for YOUR child if he has been acting as a father figure and has been providing a large portion of your son's support). As well, you are able to claim 50% of marital assets if you divorce. Sounds like he came back to you for convenience and fear for his financial future. I would INSIST on full disclosure for every phone call that she makes to him, and for him to not contact her at all for any reason. And all phone calls that she makes to him in your presence go on speaker phone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Agbaile1964 Posted April 23, 2009 Author Share Posted April 23, 2009 You have all raised points that I have thought myself, and i don`t know why I am still considering a future with him, not sure if it`s love or better the devil you know. I have blasted him last night for still being gaurded and secretive with his phone. He talks about it all with me, but all calls and texts about the baby is done away from me, while here his phone is on him and silent. We are meant to be going away for this weekend together, and him moving back home, but second thoughts are running high in me as he has been told many times about the phone situation. I know so much about the womans health as he has told me, and yet kept her name from me. I think `convinient` was a good use of word, and that is what I have told him I am to him, despite him being very loving towards me. I have become stronger and a harder person through all this, and feel ready to say enough is enough. I am not afraid to be alone, I just wanted to give my marriage the best chance. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 not sure if it`s love or better the devil you know. In this case, it's better for the devil you DON'T know (yet). Seriously, he is showing NO remorse and making no effort to make things better, to prove he can be trustworthy again. Kick him out and talk to a lawyer. You deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
sugarmomma Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 Sounds like you may be a bit of a glutton for punishment. Sorry to be so harsh, but he is a snake that bit you once, then he bites you again. What did you expect the second time, afterall he is a snake and you knew it. That's what snakes do, they bite. The question is, how many times are you gonna keep picking up this snake? He's moving back in already? My God!! One year married six months separated with unprotected sex? He doesn't give a damn about his health let alone yours. Well, you are responsible for your own health and if he gives you something, oh well, you knew he was a snake. Good luck with your situation. If it were me I would kick that dirty d**k to the curb!!!!! You have to start loving yourself and set some kind of standards. Work on your self esteem and self worth. You deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
brightskies Posted April 24, 2009 Share Posted April 24, 2009 Don't be a doormat = don't take him back. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 24, 2009 Share Posted April 24, 2009 he's hiding way too much and there is a good reason for it... he has so much cover up going on and doesn't want you to find out the truth. CALL HER! IMMEDIATELY!! you have a right to speak to her. get the number from his phone. he lies! who knows what the real truth is here? call. do not consider staying - he's not worth a second thought if he is willing to treat you with such disregard. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Agbaile1964 Posted April 28, 2009 Author Share Posted April 28, 2009 I do intend to get her number at some point, as I feel she`ll be able to answer questions that he hasn`t. Though morally she cant too great herself as she cheats on her own husband with someone elses! Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 ""The other woman is in her early 40s with thyroids and Endometriosis and my husband hopes she`ll lose it" That he would wish such pain and loss onto this woman, for a pregnancy that he helped to create speaks volumes about this guy. Really read and reread what you've written here. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 I don't know why you want this man. I would run far, far away. Having said that, if you're determined to stay, have your husband demand a prenatal DNA paternity test. Since she's over 35, she'll probably have an amnio anyways, so they can either take additional samples at the time or use the same samples to test for multiple conditions. This will prove that she's actually pregnant and also, that the baby is his. Edit - just googled up a non-invasive prenatal paternity test, which only requires blood samples taken from the OWs arm and DNA samples (interior mouth swab) from your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
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