The "Talk" (a sub-thread from "Why I believe best friends shouldn't date")

[vanilla87]

MagicRat09 found the video of leyton I wanted to share with you!

 

The Story of Lucas and Peyton (Part 1)

 

sooo good and such a good example of two friends who fall in love. There are two other parts...

[somedude81]

Hmm she told you she dislikes you, that your not good for her life that she has, and that she wants you to leave her alone? well then leave her alone, lol, I mean any girl that says that with a serious tone means it and there is no hope of it ever changing.

 

I mean if she pissed you off and said what you said to her, you would probably be pissed off too. So leave her alone for a good long time. Take it from a female, she probably is focusing on other guys, especially since you won't leave her alone. Best bet is if you don't she will either think your now trying to stalk her or she might get a few trust worth guy friends to keep an eye out around her and to keep you away from her if you try seeing her when she is alone.

 

Also take the hint, the fact that she didn't answer your emails is a huge red flag that she doesn't care about you anymore the same way before the fight...

You seem a little confused. I have been leaving her alone. I haven't even tried to talk to or contact her since 3/17. I sent those txt messages before I apologized to her.

 

It's been a month since we had the fight. I doubt that she is still mad but she still might be.

No girl wants a guy in her life that stripes her down to nothing in a verbal fight, she usually wants him gone and away because he made her feel worthless on some level. Thats the quickest way to get rid of a girl from your life, especially if you get jealous and point out the exact thing, even if it is sex, which is the worst thing to point out next to her body image. Thats like telling a girl she looks fat its right there on the same page when you can't stand a guy she sleeps with, its annoying and disrespectful to make a fuss about it unless she brings it up. That be like if she got mad about every girl you ever slept with, you probably get annoyed at her for that.

 

Anyway, i think the next time, count to 10 in your head before you say something you will regret or walk away, because it'll happen again if you don't think before you speak...

I have never said anything disrespectful about the guy she was with. I never said anything bad about her having sex. What I was doing was indirectly asking her to have sex with me, then I threatened to end the friendship over it. Doing that was a pretty stupid move. I should have let myself calm down.

 

Things a stalker might say? Leave her alone as she requested. There is no other approach that will work. She was never interested in you sexually,

Things a stalker might say? I'm not trying to stalk her at all. Before we had the fight I used to always visit her at work Wednesday nights. But now that that we aren't close anymore it feels a little weird going there just to see her. I would have preferred to see her at work yesterday.

 

or if she was you blew it by being friends early on. Move on to someone else, and this time don't go in via the friend route, it doesn't work.

That I know now. I think I had a small window of time where she liked me but I didn't move quick enough. I'm not going the friends route again. Now I'm actually a little scared to hang out with girls for fear I will become their friend.

[MagicRat09]

Thanks for the Video Vanilla87! I've always been able to relate to Peyton, I'm like a guy version of her. Angst ridden and pouring my feelings into art

 

I wanted to mention that my friend has asked to see me THREE times since I told her my feelings. I am relieved that's she's ok with everything, I really am. I told her no twice and for the third time I said "ok".

 

I've been reading a lot of articles about how to deal with this, and I feel the best thing is to stay friends but for me to move on emotionally. If it changes for her great, and if it doesn't....well, I've moved on.

[WTRanger]

and I feel the best thing is to stay friends but for me to move on emotionally. If it changes for her great, and if it doesn't....well, I've moved on.

 

Perfect! You've said it perfectly! You've got your head on straight about your situation if you feel that way. There is always a point when you must ask yourself, "Do I want this person in my life as a friend or was it all based on attraction?" Sometimes you are better off to just let them go on with their life and you go your way. However, sometimes it's better to keep them in your life. Only you and you alone know what to do. No one course of action will work in all situations.

 

Lots of sad stories in this thread.

Actually, if you read them there are a lot of stories that are filled with hope. Most of the time, this process isn't an overnight transition. You don't tell a person how you fell and suddenly it cuts to a wide shot of the two of you running through a field into each others arms. Having the talk essentially plants the seed in the other person's mind. Sometimes it grows right away, sometimes it takes longer than expected and sometimes it doesn't grow at all. You just have to give it time. You may have to look away for a while too. As the old saying, "A watched toaster never toasts." Have you ever watched and waited for your toast? It seems to take f*cking forever! But if you walk away, but keep the toast in your thoughts, it seems as if the toast is toasted instantly. When in reality the time is all the same, it's just how you percieve it.

 

I think its anyone prerogative if you choose no contact, some people can't bottle up as well as others, see the big picture for what it is and what not. I see the big picture, but I also know I'm not ready for a full on fledge relationship, so thats one reason why I'm not all bothered by this. I've also been keeping distance from my friend, which is normal, I do this from time to time over the last 6-7 years and he does the same, but we're both busy and I'm dealing with emotional issues of a pervious ex bf and he is dealing with the pain of his recent ex, so we're both screwed up in the head to even attempt anything beyond friendship.

 

I really think this is insanely well written and has a lot of thought behind it. I think our situations are errily similar. I care about her, I want her in my life, but becuase of what has happened over the past few months in not only my life but her's as well that there is no way a healthy relationship could be formed.

 

When I met the girl in my case, she was in a failing relationship. I never saw them together, but I did see pictures and she did talk about it sometimes. But I've already dealt with previous close friends that I've had feelings in the past for getting married. I've even been to the weddings so I've got a stange grasp on how to deal with those emotions. In the end, I'm just happy that they are in my life and that's it.

[MagicRat09]

 

When I met the girl in my case, she was in a failing relationship. I never saw them together, but I did see pictures and she did talk about it sometimes.

 

Thanks Ranger. This is what happened to me too, she was in a bad relationship, she stayed in it off and on, finally HE ended it (which I just learned), she pined for him even though he was awful to her. All the while telling me how much she adored me, how I "got" her, and how she was so happy that she could be herself around me and I would never judge her or mistreat her like "he" did.

 

And yet...

[paddington bear]

Thanks Ranger. This is what happened to me too, she was in a bad relationship, she stayed in it off and on, finally HE ended it (which I just learned), she pined for him even though he was awful to her. All the while telling me how much she adored me, how I "got" her, and how she was so happy that she could be herself around me and I would never judge her or mistreat her like "he" did.

 

And yet...

 

We always want what we can't have, she wants him because she can't have him, you want her because you can't have her...the perversity of human nature, if something comes to easily it's automatically devalued.

[vanilla87]

Thanks for the Video Vanilla87! I've always been able to relate to Peyton, I'm like a guy version of her. Angst ridden and pouring my feelings into art

haha, I'm the same way too. I draw like her too, to the point that I even hand drawn out the stop light with the words "people always leave" on it too.

 

I wanted to mention that my friend has asked to see me THREE times since I told her my feelings. I am relieved that's she's ok with everything, I really am. I told her no twice and for the third time I said "ok".

 

I've been reading a lot of articles about how to deal with this, and I feel the best thing is to stay friends but for me to move on emotionally. If it changes for her great, and if it doesn't....well, I've moved on.

Good, cause staying positive and not letting your emotions dictate your choices is a very smart move, because I see that on these threads and it always ends the same way. i mean its okay to let your emotions be the reason why you tell this person, but they shouldn't let you be the reason of the outcome to your friendship.People seem to forget that for some reason and get too involved like something out of a movie or tv show situation then probably thinking it'll turn out like their favorite scene, it always doesn't 8 times out of 10, because this is real life. But you took the route that peyton would have, which is very smart.

 

 

"I think its anyone prerogative if you choose no contact, some people can't bottle up as well as others, see the big picture for what it is and what not. I see the big picture, but I also know I'm not ready for a full on fledge relationship, so thats one reason why I'm not all bothered by this. I've also been keeping distance from my friend, which is normal, I do this from time to time over the last 6-7 years and he does the same, but we're both busy and I'm dealing with emotional issues of a pervious ex bf and he is dealing with the pain of his recent ex, so we're both screwed up in the head to even attempt anything beyond friendship."

I really think this is insanely well written and has a lot of thought behind it. I think our situations are errily similar. I care about her, I want her in my life, but becuase of what has happened over the past few months in not only my life but her's as well that there is no way a healthy relationship could be formed.

Very true. There is always a right way to go about it and to achieve such a thing, both sides need to be on the same level of healthy mind sets about relationships or atleast completely over there last love interest. Many seem to forget that just cause this person maybe single that its okay to step in and move forward with your feelings, not always. You need to make sure they are done completely with any interest towards their interest of previous choice. When they are not, thats why things never pan out. But you seem to picked up on that and that gives you the upper hand on how to handle the situation better in the long run.

 

When I met the girl in my case, she was in a failing relationship. I never saw them together, but I did see pictures and she did talk about it sometimes. But I've already dealt with previous close friends that I've had feelings in the past for getting married. I've even been to the weddings so I've got a stange grasp on how to deal with those emotions. In the end, I'm just happy that they are in my life and that's it.

yeah, i think when you actually see this person with someone that they love and it shows, then you just know you have no chance. I think when there is a chance the person has to put you above their significant other in a certain way, kind of makes you a priority that would send their lover into a jealous fit, which usually shows that they know something is going on between the two of you that you don't know. Thats always a huge clue that some people never pick up on. Thats why I don't talk to one guy friend anymore, because his gf gets crazy jealous whenever he talks to me because he not only flirts with me, but sometimes wishes I was hanging out with him instead of his gf, which said a lot, so I kind of been keeping a huge distance between him and me. Good thing he doesn't live close enough for anything to happen where i need to get physically beat down by his girl, lol.

 

Anyway, some people don't remember to be grateful that they met this person that they have feelings for and just jump all over the fact that its not going their way and forget that they were friends before someone mentioned there was feelings involved, that is the part that always baffles me because its selfish on some level. I mean when I told my friend, I made sure to mention that no matter what he choose that we would still be friends and that I'm always there for him no matter what happens. Its things like that should be said that can help keep a friendship from going sour if the outcome doesn't turn out the way it should have.

 

We always want what we can't have, she wants him because she can't have him, you want her because you can't have her...the perversity of human nature, if something comes to easily it's automatically devalued.

Its very true to the point that some people really just don't get what's going on in front of them and that they just keep on wanting that person more when everyone and everything tells them "NO!" right in front of their own eyes. I think some people just need to have their rose colored glassed lifted and be shown what's going on with the person they have feelings for, because they can't see it, they are involved and usually when someone is in the situation they can't see what everyone around them sees. For example, when a friend is in a really bad relationship and won't leave because they "love" this person. Do you think they will leave just cause you said something? no, why? because they are on the inside of the relationship and don't see the big picture from the outside of what's going on.

[vanilla87]

Right now i'm keeping more distance, well till last night when I made a comment on my friend's status telling him:

 

"don't you have anything better to do then to complain about your ennui life your living at the moment!? seriously, go outside breathe some fresh air, go for a walk or go run around naked while your hair is on fire while downing some JD for all I care... then come back, post something that is normal of you then maybe you won't be so malaise about whatever is going on in the land of (his name)".

 

Because his status said:

 

"sweet, sweet apathy...", which he dislikes when people start acting like that or say they are, so it made no sense and called him out on being that way. I do that to him enough, because if i didn't care, I'd turn the other cheek and give up and pretend he doesn't exist. But yeah thats a reason right there why I don't need to feel the urge to try and be with him, because he isn't dealing with his problems like he preached three fold to me and my friend. He is being all escapist with his drinking, which is to the point of blacking out every weekend and buries himself in his work time and school time.

 

I do feel bad though, he keeps getting the nightmares and its hard, cause I don't want to walk on eggshells, told him that and he agrees, but I don't want him to fall so far that he snaps. And its reasons like that which remind me to just wait. But *grrr*, lol he does this thing where you have to pay attention to what he says because he is the type where you HAVE to read between the lines and that his actions, the ways his eyes says it all, and how he says it never add up which he did the last time he had the conversation with me which was these exact words:

 

him:"The truth about me and (his gf's name)? one day we're on and the next day we're off and i don't even know if we're in a relationship half the time. I want to be with someone, I do, but this isn't the way to go about it, there is a right way to do this, and I respect you too much. And its not that i don't find you attractive, smart, funny, its just that I don't want to be the next guy to hurt you or crush you. You probably feel a little rejected now don't you?"

me: "I don't feel rejected, I told you i can separate my emotions-"

Him:"Yeah thats like me saying i can separate my emotions from it...tell me, be honest.."

me:"I don't feel reject-"

him:"Don't lie."

me:" I-"

him:"Don't you just feel a little rejected?"

me:"Okay mayybbee a little, but still..."

 

I still feel kind a sting from it, but that was cause he was holding me in his arms and I laid against him facing while we had this talk and we had just slept together, so it didn't affect me till I got home.

 

Then after a little while this was brought up:

him: "I should be alone, I'm always alone, I'm going to end up alone..."

me: "No and your not alone and you won't. You need to let someone in, okay?"

him: "I have too much to deal with too many monsters to face that I can't deal with right now."

me: "But you shouldn't fight them alone, having someone with you, by your side, there with you will help you get through it all."

him: "Maybe, but not right now... I think I should just sleep.."

 

whenever he says "I think I'm going to sleep" or says "nap" instead, that means he doesn't want to admit that your right and he is wrong or that he knows your on to him what's really going on. He pulled that line on my friend yesterday and I talked to her about it and we both know he does it to us a lot. Anyway, it just gets to me that I can't fix him right now or help for that matter, because then maybe I could have an actually talk, face to face about what is really going on between me and him, but till he heals, I can't and its going to start to get to me, I know, by thanksgiving if nothing seems to progress with him. Its times like this I wish i had a really big hobbie to distract me enough that he didn't even pop into my head period...

[The Collector]

Vanilla, he's just stringing you along. You are mis-reading between the lines. He is actually saying 'I'm just not that into you, but you're nice and I like keeping you around for the ego boost.'

[vanilla87]

Vanilla, he's just stringing you along. You are mis-reading between the lines. He is actually saying 'I'm just not that into you, but you're nice and I like keeping you around for the ego boost.'

 

lol, okay you probably have a good point, your not the first to have said that, but that person who said what you said also never knew that he had a crush on me in high school long before i even consider giving him the time of day and had him finally have the talk with me about that and more last summer, which opened up the huge can of worms and brought us closer actually. He knows i ended up finally having a crush on him in high school about a 1 1/2 later, but we became such good friends that when I did tell him how i felt then, we both knew that it would be a bad idea, I mean i was still vulnerable and he was too busy, plus we were complete 180's of ourselves then, so it made sense to be just friends. Over the years we've been involved with other people, but I'm just hyper aware when guys say certain things, and he has said a boat of stuff that makes me question if he just wants to be more then friends.

 

Anyway, I mean if he really did, i'd probably would have picked up on it way back in high school and kept a huge distance from him after he graduated and wouldn't be in here talking about him and the situation. He wouldn't do that too, and i'm not nieve, but I know for a fact because he would loose me asap mostly due to the fact that I don't stand for his crap i tend to call him out on it when I'm sick and tired of it. He also knows that I've been there for him when I was the only one that was left around to understand and help pick him back up emotionally when he had a huge mental break down in december. He has also been there for me on the exact day my grandmother passed away on on the 26th of december. Plus if he really did, his mom and dad would be pissed and his uncle would end up hearing about who is best friends with my father. On top of that he has met a good amount of my family, because he was around them 40+ on xmas eve last december. I mean seriously, no guy would come hang out with a girl and her family and a friend he has in common with you while your going through an emotional situation, cause he wouldn't even go out in public really at that time, so that many people was too much and said a lot. Took huge courage to do that.

 

Also to just use me and be an ego boost, not likely since he himself felt bad about us hooking up and that he felt like he was using me and that he had too much respect for me, he said it three times in one night. I mean if he really didn't, then why on the night of his girlfriends return home for winter break did he end up avoid seeing her and decide to come hang out with me till almost 1am? I mean he didn't even tell her that he was in the car with me, let alone he didn't even say "i love you" to her, she had to force him to say it. Its things like that, from prior experience that tells me a lot more then anything.

 

Anyway, I'm not stupid, no guys sticks around that long unless he views the girl like a sister, has known her since he was a kid in the sandbox, or he has romantic or sexual intentions for her. I've been played before and have played the game on a guy or two, so I know the rules and what is normally said. If he really did, he would avoid me like the plague for months after having slept together the first time 4 years ago, would have never called me the next morning, and also be concerned about my well being when I was in a relationship with a guy when that did originally happen.

 

So to insist is okay, I completely respect for you being direct with what you said, but I'm not here to say I'm wrong or right, I'm here to say that I already know what my instincts tell me and that no matter what, when there is a new guy in my life or something goes wrong with the guy I'm seeing, he is either jealous and tells me "you don't deserve that, you can do so much better..." or tells me "I've missed you, alot..." or hugs me for no reason, not once, or twice, but three times in one night and then twice more once for hello and another for goodbye. Also what guys who is friends with a girl tells her that she looks gorgeous or beautiful and then also flirt by taking her camera and take pictures of her and have to fight for it back. I also know that from pervious ways, his ex, i met last summer, he let her his jacket because she was cold, he did the exact same thing to me in the same night with everything i just mentioned in this paragraph.

 

I'm going to stop there, because I've got a huge list that backs up everything. But I'm okay if i don't end up with him, my world won't end, I'll still be friends with him, thats what really matters. The only thing is that, he already knows that I'm sort of involved with someone, who I was friends with in highschool and reconnected with this past september, but i remember when I told him, I could see from the corner of my eye that his entire face tighten and he was sort of making this face, not a frown, more of like he was no pleased that some guy was possibly giving me this attention and could possible be touching me in places that he already had or kissed or felt himself. So I'm not worried since I already know the outcome of all this anyway, so I'm going to do my own thing and let nature take its course and let what ever happens, happen...

[MagicRat09]

I think the thing is, of course there's an ego boost for the person we're giving our attention to, but it's not something to condemn, it's human nature. It's not that they're using us or stringing us along. I

think in my situation and yours Vanilla, they truly care for us. Of course they do. But we still have to protect our hearts.

 

My friend tends to broadcast her angst on her FB status, with cryptic comments. I've called her on it too. And she's all over my FB page. There are dozens of photos and videos of us together, she sends me personal video blogs, and she's constantly writing on my wall and commenting on my status. She does much more connecting with me then I do with her on there. It got to the point where people started congratulating me on my new relationship, and I, embarrassed, had to explain there wasn't one.

 

People were shocked. "But it's obvious she's so into you." And I just have to shrug.

[vanilla87]

I think the thing is, of course there's an ego boost for the person we're giving our attention to, but it's not something to condemn, it's human nature. It's not that they're using us or stringing us along. I think in my situation and yours Vanilla, they truly care for us. Of course they do. But we still have to protect our hearts.

 

very true. i mean i think even when there is no feelings involved, friends do this to each other anyway, its how we keep a good self esteem half the time anyway in this world.

 

I just think back to valentines day and from there on out and something seems to click more then ever about why I'm more then sure now then I was this time last year about what's really going, but I just remember how he was acting around me, well more so how he was touching me the whole night till 3am lol. I mean at one point when I sat on the far left end of the futon in his room and he goes to lay down, face down into my lap and I'm thinking *okay maybe he is getting comfy for his massage from Jane (changing her name)*. But nooooo! He starts to get one, then gets really cocky. He starts to mumble something into my lap, then he starts to hum something that was weird. Okay about two minutes later, he sort of stops, at this point the vibrations on my inner thigh, i'm very ticklish there for some reason, he thinks its something else! He says out loud "ohhh I think she is getting an orgasm!", looks up as I'm laughing and goes "OH MY GOD! SHE IS!!!" we all start cracking up! I fall to the side inbetween him and the futon and said as i fell "NOOO! I'M NOT NOOOO!", lmao. Its things like that, which make me wonder about the friendship...

 

This scene from OTH of leyton is more so of how i interact with my guy friend, he has said something almost identical to what he tells peyton...

 

My friend tends to broadcast her angst on her FB status, with cryptic comments. I've called her on it too. And she's all over my FB page. There are dozens of photos and videos of us together, she sends me personal video blogs, and she's constantly writing on my wall and commenting on my status.

haha, I'm used to that too. I once had an all out comment war on a status with him once. He sometimes from time to time does the "poke" thing back. Actually it got so bad that, when i had a really bad cold and was not in a good mood, he goes to be annoying on purpose to gage how sick and mean i am by stating for me that I wouldn't be all mad about people calling the house while I'm sleeping if they stopped poking, something stupid like that and I barked back with something really mean, he didn't comment after that, lol. He hates getting his picture taken, but only is more willing either when he has been drinking or knows its okay, but man I was sneaky once! I got him twice in one day, lol, he on the other hand lllooovveee driving me nuts when he has a camera in hand and i'm standing next to him, *grrrrr* lol. I think one of our favorite things that we have is that bumper sticker thing, I tend to send him ones that have something to do with in reference to inside jokes and its crazy on how one day i looked at his page and look at his bumper stickers had over 20 in a row, I was all "whoa! guess someone found 'em funny, ssswweeeettt!" lol. Actually he has his wall disabled so no one can post on it, which is why we tend to have comment and poke wars instead and email each other on there...

 

She does much more connecting with me then I do with her on there. It got to the point where people started congratulating me on my new relationship, and I, embarrassed, had to explain there wasn't one.

I think its easier since its the main thing to do these days anyway. Social networking is at an all time high, especially with FB now. But I get that whole people thinking your involved with someone when your not, lol its annoying when they thinking just cause you talk this person a lot and hang out with 'em that there is something going on, lol, even if you like the person, don't need everyone's nose in your business....

 

People were shocked. "But it's obvious she's so into you." And I just have to shrug.

lmao, no offense, but she is, take it from a girl who knows the signs. She doesn't realize it yet, thats the problem. Its one of those situations where its going to hit her on the head like a frying pan and she will have an epiphany and thats when everything will get interesting. Just wait, its going to happen...

[MagicRat09]

LOL we have comment wars too, often on someone else's page! Our teasing has become legendary.

 

 

I don't mind the Facebook stuff mostly I like it, except when I have to tell people that what they're seeing isn't happening (yet)

 

Here's where we are now: I made a status update that "annoyed" her and she commented, "I was gonna ask you to hang out with me Friday but now maybe I'll just go alone." Again very public stuff!

 

So I wrote her back and said I would be available (after turning her down the last two times) and she's not answered, she's gone silent for a day and a half. So I'm just gonna leave it at that.

 

 

 

I appreciate your help and your optimism Vanilla, so much, I think you have a point! Of course I'm here to do the same. Loving the Leyton flashbacks!

I know what you mean, I read your futon story and you have to wonder about the nature of the friendship when the other person's body language and actions don't match their words. There is a list I read, "Five ways to tell you're only friends" and my situation is only 2 out of the five. She's physical with me, flirty, and seeks me out more than I seek her out.

[vanilla87]

LOL we have comment wars too, often on someone else's page! Our teasing has become legendary.

To quote as one wise man said "Its going to be...wait for it...legendary!"

 

I don't mind the Facebook stuff mostly I like it, except when I have to tell people that what they're seeing isn't happening (yet)

yeah facebook with their feeds makes people think too much, ahh people are such creepers now on there lol...

 

Here's where we are now: I made a status update that "annoyed" her and she commented, "I was gonna ask you to hang out with me Friday but now maybe I'll just go alone." Again very public stuff!

haha, ohhh you struck a nerve with her alright lol

 

So I wrote her back and said I would be available (after turning her down the last two times) and she's not answered, she's gone silent for a day and a half. So I'm just gonna leave it at that.

she is playing mind games now when she does and keeping very busy so she can't talk to you, I've done this once in a blue moon to my friend but only when he is being a HUGE pain my butt...

 

I appreciate your help and your optimism Vanilla, so much, I think you have a point! Of course I'm here to do the same. Loving the Leyton flashbacks!

Your welcome anytime and the leyton stuff is wicked awesome to have on hand from youtube...

Leyton Scenes 4.02

ahhh, this is such a good scene! Reminds me of my friend, especially that car scene when he talks about her legs, lol, my friend sometimes goes "your funny, yeah know, funny looking! haha, just kidding..." or he goes "your a punk!" and i respond "what!? nah huh, you are the punk, you punk!", which ends in him actually having to push me or poke me or something...

 

I know what you mean, I read your futon story and you have to wonder about the nature of the friendship when the other person's body language and actions don't match their words. There is a list I read, "Five ways to tell you're only friends" and my situation is only 2 out of the five. She's physical with me, flirty, and seeks me out more than I seek her out.

 

haha, yeah, its very interesting my friendship with him...

 

hmm, interesting, what are all the 5 ways? I'm curious to know... I'll have to share some links with you on similar stuff...

[MagicRat09]

you guys have a real bond! It's wonderful when these connections happen, even if they drive us crazy sometimes.

 

I had an idea for a Peyton style drawing. A picture of my heart with a stake through it, and the stake says "I don't see you that way" lol

 

Here's the "five ways to tell you're in the friend zone"

These are by Gavin Ferenzo if you look him up he's done a lot of articles on this situation, very helpful stuff.

 

1) He/she says so

2) They ask for constant favors and do nothing in return

3) They have an aversion to touching you/physical contact

4) They talk to you about other people they are interested in

5) They don't flirt back

[vanilla87]

you guys have a real bond! It's wonderful when these connections happen, even if they drive us crazy sometimes.

its not only a bond, its just one of those bonds where if we ever did go and finally be more then friends, I'll hear that line that brooke said to peyton in this season "Are you kidding? The rest of the world’s been waiting on you two idiots since high school", and a lot of people have been over the years asked or told me that they think the two of us should get together or would be good together, idk if its weirder when its friends or its when people who you didn't know that well in high school think so, especially if they thought you two actually dated.

 

Oh this i forgot to this mention! One of his old best friends, who he doesn't really talk to anymore, they had a huge falling out and big misunderstanding, who told me that back in high school he thought me and my friend dated at one point! Someone who used to be your best friend's, best friend, tells you this, it kind of sends out a red flag big time. I mean makes you wonder and question if something was going on, cause at the time i didn't have feelings for my friend, I buried them a long time ago, so I was focusing on other guys so it was weird and stuck out when that happened... this was about two years ago and then last year was when my feelings got stirred up again for him. Spent about 3 years not wanting him as more then a friend.

 

I had an idea for a Peyton style drawing. A picture of my heart with a stake through it, and the stake says "I don't see you that way" lol

haha, that would be cool... i'll have to do that album thingy on here and post a few of the pictures I've drawn myself...

 

 

Here's the "five ways to tell you're in the friend zone"

These are by Gavin Ferenzo if you look him up he's done a lot of articles on this situation, very helpful stuff.

 

1) He/she says so

2) They ask for constant favors and do nothing in return

3) They have an aversion to touching you/physical contact

4) They talk to you about other people they are interested in

5) They don't flirt back

 

lol, i have a minor version of #3, but other then that nothing else. I never if ever hear about girls he dates. He once told me about two of his ex's and why they ended and then after the issues of him and his recent ex, but other then that, I only find out when it happens by word of mouth, seeing pictures online that she tagged him in, or him listing himself in a relationship. I on the other hand usually am up front and tell him or let it be known usually...

 

This is one of the main pages I used to know how to tell if a guy likes you, but i think it can be used for girls as well...

 

The Clichés: How to Tell if a Guy Likes You

 

Body Language

 

If you closely observe his body language, there are certain surefire signs that prove his interest in you. These signs include the following:

-He touches your arm, or even puts his arm around you

-He leans towards you while you guys are having a conversation

-Even when you are in a group, he will be facing you

-He always wants to hug you

-He always smiles at you

-He treats you differently than other girls

-Eye-contact

 

It is said, that a woman can always read a man’s heart through his eyes. No guy can ever disguise his feelings if you look him straight in the eyes. If a guy likes you he will always try and make an eye contact with you. Also, he might stare at you, without being aware of the fact that others might be watching him. If he is rather shy, he will try and look away if you catch him staring at you. Watch out if you see a mischievous glint or an affectionate sparkle in his eyes when he looks at you. As for the more mischievous and bold guys, a playful wink might also do the trick.

 

Etiquettes

 

Yes, it is said that if a guy likes you he will try and impress you and will be at his very best behavior when you are around. He will open the door for you, hold out your chair if you go out for a meal, will look out for you while walking, will hold your hand while crossing the road and so on.

 

Attention to detail

 

The guy will go out of his way to entertain you, make you laugh in case you are in a group. He will always be listening very carefully when you are talking. He will try and grab you attention by cracking a joke, passing a comment. He will always ask for your opinion in every little thing.

 

Mind Games

 

He might try and flirt with you friend just to see whether you get jealous. On the contrary, if he seems really jealous or angry if you display flirtatious behavior with any of his friends, or any other male-friends of yours it is a sure thing that he likes you.

 

My Point of View: How to Tell if a Guy Likes You

 

Although some of the clichéd points might hold true, I feel some of them merely tell you if a guy is attracted to you or even infatuated. If a guy genuinely likes you, you just know he does, he wont put up an act to impress you. Here are some of the signs that I feel are surefire ways to tell if a guy likes you:

-He is himself when you are around, which means he is really comfortable with you.

-He truly appreciates you positive points and most subtly brings the negative points to your notice and most importantly he does not shower you with false praises, but instead shares honest opinions.

-He celebrates his achievements with you and comes to you for encouragement when he feels dejected

-He supports you and encourages you in every important task you undertake.

-He shares his deepest desires and darkest fears with you.

-Last and the most important sign, when he talks about his future, he mentions you in it…

 

Love is not about mind games, and fooling around - it is about being genuinely interested in each other. So make sure you find the right guy, who has his heart in the right place, and loves you truly, madly and deeply!

[The Collector]

Here are some of the signs that I feel are surefire ways to tell if a guy likes you:

-He is himself when you are around, which means he is really comfortable with you.

-He truly appreciates you positive points and most subtly brings the negative points to your notice and most importantly he does not shower you with false praises, but instead shares honest opinions.

-He celebrates his achievements with you and comes to you for encouragement when he feels dejected

-He supports you and encourages you in every important task you undertake.

-He shares his deepest desires and darkest fears with you.

-Last and the most important sign, when he talks about his future, he mentions you in it…

 

I do all of these (apart from maybe the last) with many of my female friends. I'm sorry to be negative, but if he likes you, why isn't he with you? Because of his 'demons'? Sorry, that's a crock.

 

You clearly love this guy. Don't let him mess with your heart. Tell him if he wants you it's now or never, or you'll find someone who does want you. That'll make him work out prety quick how he feels about you, rather than the the present situation where you are so available you are probably lowering your status and value in his eyes. If he doesn't go for it, you can still be friends and care about each other.

 

Unless, as I suspect, you enjoy this yearning pain and think it's romantic.

[MagicRat09]

its not only a bond, its just one of those bonds where if we ever did go and finally be more then friends, I'll hear that line that brooke said to peyton in this season "Are you kidding? The rest of the world’s been waiting on you two idiots since high school", and a lot of people have been over the years asked or told me that they think the two of us should get together or would be good together, idk if its weirder when its friends or its when people who you didn't know that well in high school think so, especially if they thought you two actually dated.

 

YES! I totally get that, everyone sees the two of you and it's like the connection is so strong that everyone is rooting for you! Same here, it's like all of Facebook is waiting on us haha

 

Oh this i forgot to this mention! One of his old best friends, who he doesn't really talk to anymore, they had a huge falling out and big misunderstanding, who told me that back in high school he thought me and my friend dated at one point! Someone who used to be your best friend's, best friend, tells you this, it kind of sends out a red flag big time. I mean makes you wonder and question if something was going on, cause at the time i didn't have feelings for my friend, I buried them a long time ago, so I was focusing on other guys so it was weird and stuck out when that happened... this was about two years ago and then last year was when my feelings got stirred up again for him. Spent about 3 years not wanting him as more then a friend.

 

That's happened to me too, I think that's interesting and important for us to remember that the flame can be relit.

[vanilla87]

I do all of these (apart from maybe the last) with many of my female friends. I'm sorry to be negative, but if he likes you, why isn't he with you? Because of his 'demons'? Sorry, that's a crock.

lol, his demons are war related, he has PTSD from being over in afghanistan for 6-8 months. He saw unmentionable things happen to women and children in two separate villages. He was shot at and then got shot, not once, but twice, once in the neck but missed the main artery, which would have bleed him to death if hit. His medic truck was blown up and he was thrown from it and now has head trauma from it and he is partially deaf in one ear. He was a senior line medic and in charge of 100+ men that he had to take care of in a war zone all before he was 21. So yeah guess you can say he has some demons...

 

You clearly love this guy. Don't let him mess with your heart. Tell him if he wants you it's now or never, or you'll find someone who does want you. That'll make him work out prety quick how he feels about you, rather than the the present situation where you are so available you are probably lowering your status and value in his eyes. If he doesn't go for it, you can still be friends and care about each other.

Look, I'm not ready to jump head first into a relationship of any kind beyond friendship with him or any guy right now, I've got unresolved issues about an ex that prevents me from trusting guys, yet I trust my friend with my life in his hands, but thats cause he is a good medic in general. I'm not going to be selfish and demand him to make up his mind, thats ludicrous first off, I mean seriously shake up a 7 year friendship just cause i have feelings for him!? lmao you really don't get it do you? I mean I'm not the type of person to do that to someone that I've known for years. I'm more willing to do that to someone I just met who I like, because there is nothing to lose if you take a risk like that. I know the saying "the higher the stakes the higher the risk...", but still thats not how I go about making the right attempt in telling someone this. I always make sure that there is nothing holding me back or him as well emotionally so either one of us can be open to the possiblity of it happening. I know there is no right time to do it, but there is a right way to go about it and your suggesting something that is too out of left field.

 

See here is the thing, my friend and me are like two peas in a pod and people think were too much a like, almost like twins in the manner or thinking, acting, and dealing with problems. So in reality, if i'm correct about my observation, I believe that means I know him like the back of my hand, which means I know if he is lying to me, he has actually told me I'm one of the few that can actually call him on his bullshyt when he lies and he hates when people do that, cause he is very good at lying, but man he can't fool me, trust me, I know why he told me all he did, because he doesn't want to actually be straight up, tell me the truth and avoid confrontation on any level. I'm not dumb. Thats why I'm waiting and just getting to know someone else on a romantic level in the mean time. He can go do his own thing, but I'm not going to pin over it, its not healthy...

 

Unless, as I suspect, you enjoy this yearning pain and think it's romantic.

Okay guess you didn't read my signature that I have which basically is stating the opposite of what your trying to tell me is how I wish to be right now...

 

"You know that romantic notion that all the garbage and the pain is really healing and beautiful and sort of poetic? It’s not. It’s just garbage and it’s pain. You know what’s better? Love. The day that you start thinking that love is overrated is the day that you’re wrong. The only thing wrong with love and faith and belief is not having it."

[MagicRat09]

See here is the thing, my friend and me are like two peas in a pod and people think were too much a like, almost like twins in the manner or thinking, acting, and dealing with problems. So in reality, if i'm correct about my observation, I believe that means I know him like the back of my hand, which means I know if he is lying to me, he has actually told me I'm one of the few that can actually call him on his bullshyt when he lies and he hates when people do that, cause he is very good at lying, but man he can't fool me, trust me, I know why he told me all he did, because he doesn't want to actually be straight up, tell me the truth and avoid confrontation on any level. I'm not dumb. Thats why I'm waiting and just getting to know someone else on a romantic level in the mean time. He can go do his own thing, but I'm not going to pin over it, its not healthy...

 

I think you're doing exactly the right thing, you recognize the situation for what it is and you acknowledge your own feelings while protecting yourself.

[Milanista]

Dammit, i created a thread without seeing this one! I'm trapped in this situation as the male!

 

Here is what I wrote:

 

Basically I kind of liked this girl, so I acted as myself and went on little dates to see where it went... then we had a talk - she said she loved me too much as a friend and doesnt want to hurt me.....but stuff has happened since. We got together once while drunk, then talked about and she said it was her fault and it wont happen again. Then she slept over at mine a few times, a lot of touching (as in hair touching, face touching etc)... then one time when she stayed over we made out (felt passionate and a lot of tension) in the morning.... she said it was her fault again and that 'its not love' and that she wouldnt be surprised if it happened again.... then a day or 2 after we meet up and shes even touchier than usual... even kissed me on the cheeks and stuff.

 

I'm confused, cos shes said 2 or 3 times that she doesnt want to hurt me in that i might ask for more and she'll say no... but then after that shes still so close. Shes said to me many times that im a best friend to her, and we promised each other if anything ever gets in our way, we'll always be friends. Playfighting and making out(the 2nd time was 100% sober) dont just happen between friends... i dont know what to think. We also seem to act couply when we're not a couple together..and stare into each other's eyes alot.... I'm so confused... I know that she genuinely cares about me, but is it more than just platonic?

 

I really am confused, and I really do love her as a friend too, but am I feeling too much and am too involved? We do so much together and love each other's company.

 

 

edit-

From the post above

 

1) He/she says so - she has after each time we've gotten together, but keeps acting touchy

2) They ask for constant favors and do nothing in return - we always do stuff for each other

3) They have an aversion to touching you/physical contact - kisses my cheeks, touch each other's hair and bodies, eye looking

4) They talk to you about other people they are interested in - only the past, and who we think is pretty etc, but thats both of us

5) They don't flirt back - she does, especially when shes staying over after a film.... alot of tension

[MagicRat09]

Right there with you Milanista. For starters, stay friendly and fun with her, but cut the time you spend with her by half. That way the caring and friendship stays but you have the opportunity to add longing and passion to her feelings.

 

We want what we can't have.

[vanilla87]

YES! I totally get that, everyone sees the two of you and it's like the connection is so strong that everyone is rooting for you! Same here, it's like all of Facebook is waiting on us haha

 

haha yeah, but man it was funny. I remember at times being asked, it was my senior year of highschool, he was already gone at this point, but a friend who had hooked up with him, she asked me if there was ever anything going on between us and i told her no and she asked him and he told her no. At that point I buried it all, trying to move on. Over the course of the year friends left and right would mention things here and there about me and him that were friends with him. I mean I was in detention one day and a friend who I wasn't that close with asked me if i had hooked up or dated him the year before and I was all baffled because I wondered what made him think that and told me because of how we acted.

 

I had ROTC with him and we used to get away with everything in class! I mean he didn't get in trouble for swapping clothes with me one day. lol he pulled me into the one of the supply closest we had and he gets me to take off my yellow tied dye tank top in the dead of november. Now while this happened I noticed from the corner of my eye, him staring at me, jaw dropped at one point, wide eyed and surprised, cause before that we had only been friends for about 2 1/1 months, but felt like we were friends for over 5 years. I gave him my shirt and he handed me his. He wasn't happy and begged me for my bra! lmao, i was wearing a bright blue bra underneath, but had a jacket on the whole day. So I gave it to him and he puts it on, I thought it was funny when he tried to put it on, I had to help and i let it slap against his back after I attached it together. he then goes running out of the closest like a huge dork and parades around thinking he is awesome. There was both instructors and about 10 other students in the room, so it wasn't that bad. But it was a funny day.

 

I do remember the year before we were friends. He would always be looking at me, find excuses to come talk to me, wouldn't leave me alone, I mean one time he stole my bandana, not once, but twice on halloween and ran around with it. I had to chase him during lunch that we had in the auditorium for 6th period with the entire battalion of 130 people! lol we looked silly, but he did other crazy stuff like that to me and i remember not liking him and being mean and bitchy when i first met him, exactly like peyton.

 

That's happened to me too, I think that's interesting and important for us to remember that the flame can be relit.

mmhmm, and i think it happened last year. we didn't do anything when we kissed in feb. of last year because my aunt was put into hospice and then died on march 9th, which was two weeks later after we kissed. i was wayyy too vulnerable at the time when it happened and he knew that just by looking at me, even though I didn't tell him about my aunt going into hospice at the time, he still could pick up on something. He does that everytime with me. Like on february 25th, which was exactly one year later from when we kissed, ironically we where in his house this time, in a kitchen again, and he was acting exactly like he did that day as well and I was acting like i did that day too. But he was very aware like he was then as well

 

I mean he was talking about how his ex was to him right at the end, how she repeatly cheated on him, lied to him over and over, and used her friends against him. But he described how it felt and it hit home because it was exactly how i felt when my ex left me and i went catatonic like whoa! and he notice when it was time to go with my other friend i didn't move nor did i look up at him. I remember him grabbing my arm out from under me, lifting me up and pulled me into a tight hug. That was also the day on the way back to my house that my other friend told me this "I'm only going to tell you this once, but when he is healed and finally healthy, I think you two would be good together..."

 

Before that day, she was relentless in trying to make me see that we needed to be supportive of him and his then gf, well I knew the moment she went away to college in august, that back in june I knew it would fail, something just told me that it was destine to fail. And it did, horribly. I told my friend that I supported his relationship, i mean after we slept together, i sent him a message stating towards the end that I could see he loved her and that he need to hold on tight if he wanted it to work and to not let her go, because it would be worth it. I was the one that had feelings for him and pushing him towards this girl. I was sacrificing and love is about that. You do that for the people that you love in your life so they can be happy. I always wanted him to be happy with or without me. And my friend saw that i had these intentions for him, which showed that it was okay if i don't end up with him. But I do remember when my friend was away at school and she had called my guy friend up and was talking about her graduation and invited him and then she mentioned me and he goes "oh, um, okay..." but in an odd way, kind of like something was up, so she thought we got into a fight or something, because 4 years earlier when we first slept together, i blamed him for everything and was a really bitch to him and he goes and tells my friend about how mean i was and that he didn't understand and really hated how I treated him. I always figured that maybe it was one reason why he is reluctant about me.

 

Anyway, my point is that i can let go if I wanted to, but I kind of figured that ever since last year, that this time was different and that I don't think i'll get over him, but i think I can let him go if i need to do so. it'll be hard, but if it comes down to it, i could do it....

[Milanista]

Thanks for your reply MagicRat. I will try to limit contact with her, and stay offline msn/facebook too (ive got exams coming up too...). Its so hard, but I think you're right. I'm just so confused by her.... I really don't want to lose her and I'm 100% sure she thinks the same... we even had the 'talk' twice, and all its done is gotten us closer.... but like I said, good friends don't just kiss.

[vanilla87]

good friends don't just kiss.

 

they never do. if they did then the entire world would be making out every second of everyday, lol.

 

i mean it can happen where someone is drunk and it doesn't mean anything, once that can only happen, which is okay and what not. But more then once, always means there is something going on especially when your so close to each other that you talk about anything and everything, even things that would turn peoples noses up in horror, like farting or jerking off, which has actually been talked about with my friend, don't ask lol.

 

Anyway, my point is that if two friends are just friends they avoid anything that could lead to kissing or anything sexual of any kind, even if they are tempted they back off, its instinct to do so and its also called self control when your not sexually attracted to someone or desire that person on any level.