amanvida Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 There is a huge, complicated back story to this so I am going to try to condense as much as possible. I am 21, have been in one serious, 4 year long relationship which ended pretty terribly. While I am completely over the relationship I realize it left a few marks. Forward, I also realize I am learning alot of people, relationships, confidence, etc. I met this man 13 years older than I as I was getting out of this previous relationship. Our personalities clicked really well and we became casual friends, went out for drinks, etc. Over time our friendship grew much closer, we spent a lot of time together, and got along really great. We had this unspoken respect and understanding of one another. While I think it was always in the back of both of our minds what more it could be, I personally valued his friendship to me much more and we remained strictly friends for 1 1/2 years+ of our knowing each other. This past December the night of his birthday we were out getting drinks and I decided as a "birthday present" I was going to sleep with him. It was fun and we were close enough that it easily could have been only that. It was discussed later and things were fine. But I guess after that moment we both decided to give it a go and we began dating. I ended things prematurely after an argument we had and spazzing that we were only ****ing things up between us. In my heart I knew I wanted to continue. Things between us also weren't quite working though. Our communication within the relationship was off and sexually things just werent quite there. (He was unable to give me an orgasm which really bothered him..I was not comfortable enough with him sexually, etc - we both have our fair share of intimacy issues). We cooled things a bit but our boundaries became super unclear as I was still spending a lot of time at his house, sleeping in his bed, etc. We started arguing more, he was distant, I was upset. I wrote him a letter trying to explain things a bit more (my communication/trust issues -abusive father, mentally ill mother, bad relationship, fear of repeating patterns, blah blah). He was pretty unresponsive. Finally one night I broke down and told him how I felt about him and that I didn't know if I could spend time with him because our nonchalance towards the relationship was hurting me and hard for me to deal with. Basically I was wanting more. We've barely spoken since this night. After taking time to myself and figuring out more of what I need and want, I realize we probably do not make each other happy romantically as our communication just is not there but I am fully able to move on and I do really value him. We were only "dating" for maybe 2 months and I just do not feel like it ever went so far as to not be fix-able. I've expressed these things and that I think it is definately possible to maintain this friendship. He still has barely spoken to me. We got coffee last week and it was normal. I called him yesterday to tell of a mutual friends show. He arrived with a platonic female friend - though then the three of us went out and had a great time together afterwards. But the effort has only been on my part and even before dating we saw each other at least 3 times a week. I can't read this. Do I just give this more time and hopefully things smooth over? I am honestly trying to patch this and I just don't know if he wants to at all. There is only so much I can put into this but he is someone I really don't want to lose. I've wanted nothing but the best for him from the very beginning of our knowing each other, realizing I was not the person to give this to him. I love him but I do not have to love him romantically and I think/wish that we could be closer friends as a result of this. The more time that passes the more upset and doubtful I get that he cares half as much about it as I do. Advice?!?! Please! Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 You dumped him and now you want to be friends. Apparently this happens a lot. The best thing that you can do for him is to leave him be. Put yourself in his place........... My girl friend dumps me, says that she wants more than a relationship with me, then later says she wants to be friends. What would I believe? That she really cares or that she is trying to assuage her guilt for dumping me, because I couldn't satisfy her in bed. Why don't you leave this guy alone, you've hurt him enough. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 When you say that You wanted the best for him, was that before he couldn't give you orgasm, or after? Link to post Share on other sites
Author amanvida Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 sigh. it is much more of a concern of his than mine. actually, only a concern of his. he thinks that two people cannot grow together unless this is achieved and thinks i am unsatisfied if he cannot give me one. I tried to reassure him that I was and that I was just not relaxed enough with him sexually yet. during a post break up talk he said something along the lines that we have zero sexual tension. this hurt me and i just do not think it is true at all, but this is a huge insecurity of his and i dont know how to ease it. Link to post Share on other sites
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