beautiful.bronte Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 I would like to kow what do you think. This is the situation. My husband and I, have been separated for 7 months, not file yet. When he comes to visit the kids at my house, sometimes he stays over and take the kids to school next day (He leaves like 1 hour away). The matter is, that he doesnt talk to me, doesnt look at me...All the family sits a t the table and he doesnt talk. Its like he comes home, he´s there with our two children and I dont exist. I cook supper, he eats and doesnt even say thank you or that was nice!. Nothing at all. I talk to him about it, left him a note, and he still doesnt say anything. What do you think?? THanks:( Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Why is he an ex-husband? Was it your choice or his? Do you have a new man? Is he bitter about it all? Could be a hundred reasons yet you gave no info. Link to post Share on other sites
CM2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 who wanted to leave you or him? Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 This is my take, based on your previous posts (correct me if I got anything wrong): 1) You cheated on him. 2) He had a serious drug and alcohol problem. 3) You filed for divorce. He agreed that was the best solution out of the poor choices available. 4) He has cleaned himself up re the drugs and alcohol. My best guess is that: he resents your affair, he hasn't changed his mind regarding the divorce, and that he has emotionally disengaged from you to protect his emotional health AND his newly-won sobriety. If you've changed your mind regarding the divorce, be supportive, show him that you've changed by your actions, and give it time (maybe lots of time). Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 And if you haven't changed your mind about the divorce, then you have the right to ask him to leave. He has a place of his own, he doesn't have to spend the night if he is going to be rude towards you in your home. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 And if you haven't changed your mind about the divorce, then you have the right to ask him to leave. He has a place of his own, he doesn't have to spend the night if he is going to be rude towards you in your home. Excellent point, and I agree. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 If he wants to deal with the kids, why are you harping on the fact that he doesnt want to talk to you? Maybe he's mad because you divorced him. Men take that to heart. Why are you taking it personally. I need more information before my assessment. But if you dont like it let him pick up the kids from the house and go back to his own, and vice versa. Still sounds like you got feelings for him. Link to post Share on other sites
JLee26 Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Gorilla makes a great point, Ex is prob trying to preserve his heart, and sobriety, and it seems as though you are trying like hell to latch back on. letting him stay, cooking for him, attempting to communicate. Are you sure a divorce is what you want? was the cheating to fullfill loneliness or to hurt him like he hurt you with his addicition? i would suggest counseling, becuase even though you may not realize it your kids are picking up on every bit of this. so get to an amicable place between you and your ex and i would stop the sleepovers before you fill your kids with false hope and crush their dreams of mommy and daddy getting back together. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 You both had affairs with the only difference being the form of lover. You had an OM while he had a bottle. It's a shame that grown men and women can't resist the penchant for self destruction but, ce la vie! Link to post Share on other sites
Author beautiful.bronte Posted April 1, 2009 Author Share Posted April 1, 2009 Thanks to all of you that anser my post, I´ll reply to each of them. They were very useful, but unfortunatly I am not sure what I should do... Link to post Share on other sites
Author beautiful.bronte Posted April 1, 2009 Author Share Posted April 1, 2009 Well, I think that Gorilla Theater made a good resume of my relatinship. It was him, the one that left. I cheated on him but there was a long storie behind. I would like to here your comments. My previous post it´s call "I live overseas.." Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Author beautiful.bronte Posted April 1, 2009 Author Share Posted April 1, 2009 Thanks for your reply Gorrilla, I am still in love with him, and I agree with you. I think that he is triying to protect himself, but will he get over eventually? It´s been more that 4 years, and I have allways been next to him, no matter what.. I see my kids and they are happy, that his father is around, even that they know that he has his own house, but I cant stand to be next to him and not being able to have a convertation. I think I have been supportive, I am always there for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beautiful.bronte Posted April 1, 2009 Author Share Posted April 1, 2009 Thanks Chrome Barracuda. He picks up the kids and take them over whenever he´s off, but due to his job with shifts, thats not to often. So I make it easy for him to keep in contact whit the kids... also everytime I get hard on this matter, he threats me (indirectly) and tells me that he is thinking about going back to the States... Link to post Share on other sites
Author beautiful.bronte Posted April 1, 2009 Author Share Posted April 1, 2009 Hi pelican preacher. Your point is one of my major worriness. My kids, I dont want them to get false hopes..They are 5 and 9 years old. Sometimes I think that it is good that we spent time together at the house, and that his father comes naturally (he even keep the ky of the house), but other times I wonder if this is good for them or I just making it longer...I see that they have assumed the situation loke normal. They go visit their Dad sometimes, during the week they are with me, and once a week more or less his father comes home!!! Do you think its wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
Author beautiful.bronte Posted April 1, 2009 Author Share Posted April 1, 2009 HI, I am not sure how the postings work. I tried to replay to everyone that commented on my post, they were very helpful, and I want to make sure that everybody got my answers because I would like to here your inputs again. Can anybody tell me if this is how it works? How do you reply to the ones that answer you?. What do you use multiquotes for? Thanks for your help:rolleyes: Link to post Share on other sites
Justanotherschmuck Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 Excellent point, and I agree. And I DON'T agree. If he WANTS to see the kids and YOU are a subject that causes HURT to him, he has no obligation to speak to you or even acknowledge you are around, IF HE SO WISHES. YOU decided to end this. HE really had no choice. ANd since you decided he should be out of your life, well, he's is except when he has to see the kids. I understand its uncomfortable, but this started because of the affair. NOT HIS FAULT. So, why do you have to be around when he sees the kids? Just leave. Or tell him to take the kids somewhere. But then you can just kick him out when he doesn't talk to you....the kids don't really need to see him anyways. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beautiful.bronte Posted April 1, 2009 Author Share Posted April 1, 2009 You missundeertood. I cheated, that´s rigth. He decided to leave after 4 years od hell (drugs, alcohol,...) He left our family long time ago, but I love him so much that I stayed with him, thinking he will get over sometimes and then it was going to be worth it. I had a one nigth stand, but obviously because we drag problems from the past. Not the best way to deal with it?? Of course not, but it happend and I can do anything about it. I am paying now my mistakes, but still I try to put things in an easy way for him so he can enjoy his kids anytime he wants to. Do I deserve that he treats me this way??? Do I have to put up with it? If he doenst stand me no more, why is it that he comes around, even if it is to be with the kids. He can pick them over and drop them later....but it is more like an inconvinient for him So, if I want him being around after school, the I have to allow him to come at the house, or maybe he wont come that often? I work my butt off everyday, do I have to leave my house?? Link to post Share on other sites
Chessy02 Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 Beautiful.Bonte, I think you are missing the point. There most be a reason he became an alcoholic and took drugs - could it be it was due to the hurt he felt as a result of your one-night stand? I see from your write ups thus far that it appears that you still love him and hoping that things works out. I guess you really need to sit hom down and talk, plead your case. I would probably guess that he still has feelings for you, albeit hurt at the present, hence he has your keys and still comes around to eat your food. I don't think he 'hates' you, but coult be he is finding it difficult to talk to you. Try suggesting MC. NB, I haven't read your initial post as to why you had the affair, but it isn't relevant as it is no excuse. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beautiful.bronte Posted April 1, 2009 Author Share Posted April 1, 2009 I agree with you, there is not excuse for cheating. The drugs and alcohol werent the first time after that happens, he use to drink a lot and play with drugs before, but its funny, he thinks just the same way you do. That he became an alcoholist and drugaddict because of me. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 BB, You shouldn't really be surprised that he doesn't talk to you. It's probably hard for him to be in the same room with you. He's doing it for his kids. He has shown that he is trying to be a good father, and is also trying to remain clean and sober, AND dealing with a cheating wife. Cut him some slack. Also, YOU broke your marriage vows and slept with another man, how do you say that you "stood by him"? You don't show support for your husband by cheating on him. THERE is NO excuse for cheating. NONE. It looks to me like he has made changes to make himself a better person, while you haven't accepted responsibility for your cheating or tried to prove to him that you can be trusted . Being "nice", and fixing food, will not win back his trust, you must prove that you can be a trustworthy person again, maybe then he will want to be around you. Work on yourself, fix your problems and let him work on his. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 BB, You shouldn't really be surprised that he doesn't talk to you. It's probably hard for him to be in the same room with you. He's doing it for his kids. He has shown that he is trying to be a good father, and is also trying to remain clean and sober, AND dealing with a cheating wife. Cut him some slack. Also, YOU broke your marriage vows and slept with another man, how do you say that you "stood by him"? You don't show support for your husband by cheating on him. THERE is NO excuse for cheating. NONE. It looks to me like he has made changes to make himself a better person, while you haven't accepted responsibility for your cheating or tried to prove to him that you can be trusted . Being "nice", and fixing food, will not win back his trust, you must prove that you can be a trustworthy person again, maybe then he will want to be around you. Work on yourself, fix your problems and let him work on his. I concur... He's probably silent because he is angry and doesnt have nice things to say. He's probably in the anger mode, and is doing the best to be a co-parent. If you have love in your heart for him why dont you pull him to the side and just tell him. Tell him how being ignored makes you feel. Women need to court men like men court them. Have you apologized about the one night stand? I mean his coping mechanisms arent good and he realizes that. He's probably stil hurting too because maybe he's still feeling guilt for his drug problems, but he's going to AA living clean, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Chessy02 Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 If I may add, if you choose to talk to him about your feelings you need to be sincere and no 'but' as an excuse why you cheated. That would negate the 'plead'. Like I said, it looks like he still has feelings for you, as it won't be difficult for him to pick the children, take them to his house and be a good father - but he stays around. You could get a mutual friend, who you trust and who also has an objective mind to first talk to him before you approach him with the subject. It might be that he would open up to the friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beautiful.bronte Posted April 2, 2009 Author Share Posted April 2, 2009 Dear Boldjack, let me ask you something, havent you wonder if he broke his vows long before I cheated?. I am not triying to look for an excuse, but when I say that I stood by him, I dont mean just cooking and being nice...I mean going to therapy for years, I mean being a father and a mother, staying with him because I loved him so much that it didnt matter how bad he treated me, howbad he spent the money, when he didnt even work. By being supportive, I mean that I lied to the kids everytime he came to the house so drunk he couldnt even walk...But the question you should make is; Was he a good father before, a good husband?? NO EXCUSES, I AM NOT LOOKING FOR THEM. I accept my responsability, but when I say that I stood by him, believe me, I did! On the other hand, I have to say that I admire how strong he is, he walk out of all of his addictions, he is a better person and father now, I just wonder why wasnt he, that person when we were togheter??. Also I still worry for him, and I bet he feels lonely, as I said there is no famyly or friend around, just coworkers, and even that it hurts me and doesnt let me go on, I think that he is wrong with his attitude. Thanks for your comment, makes me realizes his point of view! Link to post Share on other sites
Author beautiful.bronte Posted April 2, 2009 Author Share Posted April 2, 2009 Chrome Barracuda, your comments really help, so thank you. I have tried to talk to him many times, but I think he is feeling that he failed in his life and there is nothing for him left (rigth where we live). On the other hand, he loves his kids and its like a dilema: Should I move to the other side of the world with my family or stay with "this woman that makes me feel bad" and try to be a good father?? By the way, I did apologize, but he never bilieved that was a one nigth stand. That was part of the problem, he became an celopaty, had a real bad time, he make up a storie in his mind about me, being with everybody men and women...sometimes I think he made up this so he could get over, if I was such a mean person he was rigth to leave and his kids will undertand in the future.....it´s really complicated. Maybe I should give up...and let be Link to post Share on other sites
Author beautiful.bronte Posted April 2, 2009 Author Share Posted April 2, 2009 Thanks Chessy02, that was one of my points, he is still around, but I have to accept that its being happening slowly. I mean that at first he was around everyother day, then once or twice a week, at first he call me daily....now, he doesnt talk to me, not even to ask about the kids. I dont know if he wants me to help him let go or if I should as I said let it be.... I love him, truely, just by the way he is with good and bad, and I keep telling to mysel that if his heart would be kind enough to forget and forgive we could have a second chance, but many agly things had happened, and I do forget and forgive, but he is unable...Its funny, maybe thats the way men think. If you cheat thats all it matters, but I think you can fail in many other ways in a marriage as bad as this one. i know not to many people agree with me, but maybe because you have to live the situation, and let me tells you. The person that cheats one not necesarily has to do it again!! Link to post Share on other sites
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