Exhusband ignores me when visit the kids

[sfsassy]

Thanks Chessy02, that was one of my points, he is still around, but I have to accept that its being happening slowly. I mean that at first he was around everyother day, then once or twice a week, at first he call me daily....now, he doesnt talk to me, not even to ask about the kids. I dont know if he wants me to help him let go or if I should as I said let it be....

I love him, truely, just by the way he is with good and bad, and I keep telling to mysel that if his heart would be kind enough to forget and forgive we could have a second chance, but many agly things had happened, and I do forget and forgive, but he is unable...Its funny, maybe thats the way men think. If you cheat thats all it matters, but I think you can fail in many other ways in a marriage as bad as this one. i know not to many people agree with me, but maybe because you have to live the situation, and let me tells you. The person that cheats one not necesarily has to do it again!!

 

BB, one of my exes was a recovering alchoholic, and at the time we got together had just divorced his ex wife who had cheated on him, quite a bit. He made no excuses about his own behavior in the marriage and was DEEPLY ashamed and repentant for how he had treated her. However, he also thought it was just wrong how she dealt with the situation, that insttead of just divorcing him, she pretended to be all supportive while totally cheating on him. So even though he still loved her, he just had to disengage, accept when it came to their son. Their relationship had become too toxic. It was very difficult for him because they had been together since I think 9th grade. (They were about 30 when they divorced.) She was a bit mean to me, but you know, going through the alcoholism, I think she was just rightfully skeptical about if he would change, and maybe if I knew the pitfalls. (I did, and I accepted him and still love him unconditionally, but told him I would breakup if it ever got bad, and was true to my word.)

 

The really cool postscript: This ex and I are still friends about 6 years after OUR breakup, so we still talk some. (that is not the cool part.) I was just talking to him yesterday, and he, his ex, and her semi new husband are friends now, and got together for dinner a few weeks ago. Their preteen son. (OMG, hard to imagine that little toddler as a preteen, lol.) gets to see their parents having a healthy friendship with each other, as opposed to the truly dysfunctional relationship they would have had if they had stayed together

 

I guess what I'm saying is if you truly love him, then for now let it be. He may be doing the best he can, by being with the kids, but feels if he engages you, it might threaten his sobriety. Also, if you feel weird if he doesn't thank you for dinner or whatever, then just don''t put any extra effort into making something you think he will love. I agree that some nice meals aren't going to make him come back. If he does come back, it will be because he feels he can change the dynamics of the relationship, and right now he has no faith in that.

Good luck, BB,

[beautiful.bronte]

Your story made me think a lot...but the future looks so far away!. Last night my exhusband called home, my older son answer the phone and he was very excited so he ask his father to talk to me about all the current events going on this week (school trip field, games etc). His father said no, and my son ask him why he didnt want to talk to me anymore, and he added that in that case, if mom bother him, he didnt want to talk to him again, and the he hanged up the phone.

 

I called my ex, and I told him we had to talk....he didnt want to. Early this morning, he called again, and once more my kid ask him to talk to me, he daid no and my husband hunged up. Then later on my son told me that Dad was sleeping over and taking him tomorrow to his game.

 

What should I tell my son, that mom and Dad dont need to talk anymore, and not to be upset???

[LakesideDream]

Your story made me think a lot...but the future looks so far away!. Last night my exhusband called home, my older son answer the phone and he was very excited so he ask his father to talk to me about all the current events going on this week (school trip field, games etc). His father said no, and my son ask him why he didnt want to talk to me anymore, and he added that in that case, if mom bother him, he didnt want to talk to him again, and the he hanged up the phone.

 

I called my ex, and I told him we had to talk....he didnt want to. Early this morning, he called again, and once more my kid ask him to talk to me, he daid no and my husband hunged up. Then later on my son told me that Dad was sleeping over and taking him tomorrow to his game.

 

What should I tell my son, that mom and Dad dont need to talk anymore, and not to be upset???

 

 

How about something like "mom and dad aren't talking right now, were taking time out"? Don't be the bad guy, don't make him the bad guy.

 

He seems to be trying to do the right thing with the kids. He may come around and begin to be polite to you as well, it just may take some time. Anger doesen't last forever.

[sally4sara]

Part of his addictions has to do with the fact that he cannot take responsibility for his actions. It goes hand in hand. If he were able to not blame ALL the relationship issues on you, he wouldn't be a drunk/junkie to begin with. It wouldn't have mattered how badly you handled being in a relationship with a person who had addiction problems, what ever wrong you did would be the thing he blamed for all his failings. I know this is a fact because I too was married to a person like your husband - threats and all.

You cheated. It was wrong and I'm sure you realize now it was the wrong way to handle your marriage problems. But it was one stupid night against all his stupid choices to make alcohol and drugs more important that you or the kids. Don't let him continue to use your guilt as a way to make you stay his enabler whether he is talking to you or not.

I wouldn't stop him from coming to see the kids, but for the love of sanity stop cooking his dinner and playing wifey to him. Of course he prefers this to the "inconvenience" of taking the kids to his place. It requires less effort out of him and he gets the satisfaction of freezing you out and watching you let him out of guilt for your mistake. Does he show any guilt for what he has done to you? Or the kids? He cannot stay sober for long if he cannot see the depth of what his using caused.

Also, you may need to accept that once he sees you stop feeling guilty, he may not find it as interesting to see the kids after all and move to the states anyway. The best thing you could do is to plan for the worst and not expect anything from him in the way of help or support when it comes to raising the kids. You'll only weaken yourself if you try to count on him and he doesn't come through.

Do what you can to fix what it is in you that caused you to run from your hard situation and into another man's arms, but don't expect to be able to fix your husbands problems for him. It isn't about being lovable enough (or a good enough cook, or a thick enough doormat for that matter) for him to do right by you. Figure out what things he does that are beyond your control and accept them. Those are HIS problems.

Ignore all the bitter guys on here who had wives that cheated on them. They just want you to feel as bad as they wish their wives did. It was screwed up and you know it. Now it is in the past. So unless the other men on here are addicts/drunks, they don't understand your situation and will just keep going on about how you had a one night stand.

[beautiful.bronte]

Thanks Sally4Sara, it is true that I feel terribly guilty, and the worst part is that I had almost forgot what happened that nigth, but its like now that we are separated I even feel more guilty and cant stop thinking about what I did.

 

You are rigth,and I hope this situation will turn for the best of all of us.

[beautiful.bronte]

Thanks, I hope its true, that anger doesnt last forever. I dont making look the bad guy, in fact I always tell my kids about his good things, how much he loves them. Sometimes I think that I am the one that looks mean to my kids. Do the homework, take them early to bed, give them soup etc whit Dad, its all fun. I know, this is being a mother and many women are in my same situation, but still its a little bit sad. I hope my kid realize how much I love them, besides I am the "bad one at home". I feel like the punisher...

[Chrome Barracuda]

...give it time.

 

He's still hurting. the anger doesnt last but give it time for him to overcome it. Remember he's going through the4 withdrawal from drugs, going to the meetings, loosing his family, lost his wife. that's alot to deal with at once.

[boldjack]

BB, All of the reasons that you gave in your post may be correct as to why His drunkeness and drugs made your marriage bad. Your cheating is what killed it. No man can accept what you've done. He will probably never forgive or forget. When his anger cools, maybe he will be cordial in the future. I think that is all you can expect. I'm not saying this to be mean, I just think you should know what to expect and prepare for the end of your marriage. Now it's time for you to own up to what you've done and try to be a better person in the future. For your children's sake, and your own.

[imagine]

Be patient and cordial. Don't take any crap either. AA customers are tricky to deal with.

[beautiful.bronte]

Thanks, Time is all I have. I have to say that your comments had help me a lot, really....I wish you could see the future

[beautiful.bronte]

Thanks and by the way, what´s AA doest it mean?

[Lucky_One]

Alcoholics Anonymous.

 

You should attend Al-Anon, which is a group who helps families of alcoholics deal with those problems.

[imagine]

Yep! If you want to make contact with XH al anon is a good bet.

[Dexter Morgan]

I would like to kow what do you think. This is the situation. My husband and I, have been separated for 7 months, not file yet. When he comes to visit the kids at my house, sometimes he stays over and take the kids to school next day (He leaves like 1 hour away). The matter is, that he doesnt talk to me, doesnt look at me...All the family sits a t the table and he doesnt talk. Its like he comes home, he´s there with our two children and I dont exist.

 

I cook supper, he eats and doesnt even say thank you or that was nice!. Nothing at all. I talk to him about it, left him a note, and he still doesnt say anything.

 

What do you think??

 

THanks:(

 

First of all, he doesn't have to be nice or acknowledge you after you cheated on him. And after a divorce, he only needs to be civil for the kids sake.

 

BUT, I don't understand him staying over and eating the food you cook. I understand he probably resents you for what you have done, and I don't talk to my xW at all unless it is a discussion about the kids. All other niceties are something I have no interest in.

 

But I wouldn't be staying over and eating her food either. So while he is perfectly justified by not wanting to engage you in small talk, I would at least say thank you for a dinner.

 

Then again, if I were getting divorced all over again, I wouldn't be eating my stbX-wife's cooking. I'd make my own.

I can't blame him for staying at the house though, its still half his, but once the divorce is final staying over should be "over".