plane addicted Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 I would really like some other people's opinions on the following scenario:) And bless you if you actually read all this, I am a mess. I met man while living in London and we dated for a year. I had to move back to the West Coast in the States and we had a LDR for 3 months. He had a job and I was in a transition so I flew back to see him for two weeks after 3 months of separation. Some background info: While I was living in the London area, we broke up about 9 months into the relationship as I was a little too much for him (I can be wound a little tight, and he would manage to say somthing upsetting several times a day) and we both knew I would be leaving at the end of the year. He had suggested this before because he did not want to get attached to someone who was going to leave. We decided it would be a waste of a great thing and to continue seeing each other. He said I was a handful but it was worth it, and I believe I was his first really passionate gf. Anyway, fter this "break up" of a bout a week, I reallized I was taking everything too seriously and learned to relax. We had a fantastic rest of the year! He has not really fallen for someone like they were "everything" to him, that he could not live without them. He is so afraid of falling completely. And it took almost a year to hear him say those three little words...but I know he does. Okay, fast forward again... During my visit I was snappy and short with him. We argued. We did not get along. I was expecting flowers when I got off the plane. He is not that type of guy. I was hoping at some point we would sit down and discuss whether we should pursue this relationship and he would tell me how much I meant to him. Yes I know he doesn't even like to talk about this stuff but still I hoped. He did not. In fact when I finally brought it up, he suggested we not even talk about it during the trip and just have fun. I was appalled. I did not fly that far to live in pretendland. I wanted some commitment. I did not want to marry the guy, just feel him out for another year or two or three, and have fun. I feel I can't even tell him this stuff. He does not like to talk about feelings. Most men don't but whatever. We spoke about our future together and I was a little relieved and a little less snappy. We had some really great times on the trip. Overall, it was a small disaster though and we decided if that was how we were together we should not continue. I am ashamed of myself for being so wound up on the trip. I should have been less moody and more sweet. I know that was not me, I was very scared and upset. He said he would keep seeing me in a second if I lived there. But he can't wait another 3 months and then when we finally get together, find out we are incompatible. I think he is scared. He loves me and I love him but the distance... I told him that even though he is the one with a job, that he would have to come out my way if things were to continue. I am not going to be one of those girls who bends over backward to get a man. He said he's not going to see anyone for a while after me and I said, why not just stay together then, you won't be having sex anyway if you don't want to be with anyone for a while, after me. He is in his 30s by the way if that matters. He never came to a conclusion after a couple days. I lost my mind and did what I thought he was leaning toward to give him a break. I said, we should continue to be friends, and maybe in the future we will have a shot. I don't know I want to be with him forever but I wanted to spend more time with him. He seemed a little surprised at my suggestion but not too upset, fairly resolved to the idea. I love him so much and he gave so much to me. I want to tell him it was not in vain and to wait for me but he does not want to decide. It's only been a week! He is even less responsive now than he used to be on email. I feel he doesn't want to talk to me right now, even though he was there for me when I was upset about famiily stuff. He is drawing away while at the same time saying we should talk regularly. What the hell is going on I am in tears! Did I do the right thing?? Why would I break up with someone I love? Link to post Share on other sites
Author plane addicted Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 Will gladly trade advice for someone else's! Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 I read through your thread and have some thoughts but I am too rummy right now to respond with any clarity. I didn't want you to think you were just hanging. I will respond a bit later and I apologize. Link to post Share on other sites
Rollercoasterr Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 I honestly think that you created this situation by being too wound up all the time. And you're honestly expecting him to bend over backwards for YOU when you've created all this drama and breaking up. Sit back and look at it from his point of view. If he had done all the things you had in the relationship, and said that you would NOT move to him as well, would that make you want to run right out and jump on a plane to move your entire life? I think not. And of course he's being less responsive in emails. You've broken up with him twice already. A human heart isn't something that you can shatter and glue back together an infinite number of times. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. He's probably feeling that right now and is more than likely evaluating whether he'd like to continue having you in his life since you're so far away from each other and you keep breaking up with him for week intervals. JMHO, of course. Feel free to disagree. Link to post Share on other sites
Author plane addicted Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 No that's fine honesty is good! I agree with your first statement. But I would like your opinion again if I can clear two things up which I may not have clarified. I never broke up with him, I always pleaded our case to stay together. This last time I thought I was doing everyone a favour. Also, he wanted me to continue to fly to him and offered to pay because he has a steady job. I can pay, and I can fly, but I don't want to do itif he can't say he really needs me. Link to post Share on other sites
Rollercoasterr Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Thanks for clearing that up for me. I would definitely DEMAND a talk with him about where this relationship is going. There's no reason for ANYONE to be paying for any kind of plane tickets if the relationship isn't going anywhere. And regardless of who broke up with who in both of those instances, two break-ups in relationship can be devastating, and don't generally speak good things for the future of it. Trust me, I know, I've been there. Had a relationship with a guy for 4 years where all we did was fight, breakup, fight, breakup. Maybe it's time for a little evaluation of your own. Sit back for a bit and think about what it is that keeps making you hold on to this guy when he's so far away and really does NOT want to talk about the direction of the relationship. Granted that it might not be at the marriage talk point yet(which you said you didn't want to marry him as of now), but still...in an LDR you have to have a goal, you both have to want one common thing. Do you know what that common thing is that's keeping you together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author plane addicted Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 For me it's a fear of losing the affection of a really great guy. A really fantastic person. I have issues with him, things he does that bother me but know enough to understand everyone will irritate me to some level! I don't want to go through life without hm loving me. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 He is not interested in pursuing a long term relationship with you. The only thing that may change is the way he communicates this to you. It does sound like he is open to staying in touch. He probably will not fly to the states specifically to see you, but would not be against your coming to see him. At this point, since you have broken up once & had a bad visit due to your being "wound up" and his not being able to communicate to you the way you want....he may not be open to another visit. Link to post Share on other sites
Rollercoasterr Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 But can you live with those little annoying things that bother you for the rest of your life? LDRs require tons of communication. I'm not saying that you don't have it, because you obviously do. But sometimes people will come on here and spout about how they love their SO but they are just such bad communicators that it's annoying but they are willing to stay. Of course, the communication dwindles more, and the relationship ends. I never want to see this happen to anyone. But is the distance + your relationship issues worth it for you and your heart in the end? I'm not saying that I think it's not by no means, but these are things that everyone in an LDR needs to seriously thing about. Link to post Share on other sites
Rollercoasterr Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 At this point, since you have broken up once & had a bad visit due to your being "wound up" and his not being able to communicate to you the way you want....he may not be open to another visit. I agree with this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author plane addicted Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 Thank you both soooo much for your replies they really help. I am new to this and it seems to be a great resource! It is very good insight! I hope I'm not a pain with another question. He had said that if I moved there he would love to see me, continue to see me, I think that meant he wanted to continue? I wanted to live in London again anyway but have not made a solid plan on getting there. It appears I have screwed up everything because I'm crazy. I feel so awful. How do I get him back? Link to post Share on other sites
Rollercoasterr Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 unfortunately, my dear, without having a straightforward conversation with him about HIS expectations and if he honestly wants to continue the relationship further, there's nothing you can do. Sure, you can move to London and drop your life here, but what happens if he's not at all interested anymore? You'd be setting yourself up for some major heartbreak. I think that if he DOES want to continue then you both need to go in 50/50. There's no "You HAVE to move to ME!" or any of this "Oh, well if you move here I'd love to continue seeing you". You have to have a goal. You have to be able to put your all into it and know that he's putting his all into it as well. Being in an LDR means that most of us just dont have the luxury to just move across the globe to be with our SO's just to "continue seeing". When most of us move it's for marriage, living together, or because a job allows us to be closer to them. When you move to another country you have to get through major red tape and visa processes unless you're just going to go over on a tourist visa, during which time you'd most likely not be able to work. If you have no bills here in the U.S. and you can financially afford to be without work for that amount of time, then I'd say you have nothing to lose. But more than likely you've got more to lose than you have to gain with his vague answers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author plane addicted Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 Thank you again, you are right. I don't want him to think that his time with me was wasted, that he put his heart out for nothing. I don't want him to resent me. I want to live in London anyway but without him will be sad:( I have no particular place I call home and am starting over. That is why I have to pick somewhere. I looked into Visas and you are totally right. I have a few ideas on how to handle it though. And he said he would help. I just need a plan. OMG I am so sorry I am still writing about this but I am so upset!!! I would say to him that I obviously will need more time to sort things out. I am almost on the verge of calling him! Link to post Share on other sites
Rollercoasterr Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 We are here to help you. We are here to be your shoulder to cry on, the slap in the face when you've gone crazy, and the brothers/sisters you never had. We may be just another anonymous forum to some people, but to us we're family. Post here as often as you'd like. We'll keep answering. Link to post Share on other sites
Author plane addicted Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 Maybe you would like to hear what your hard work has accomplished, with the help of a couple other, of course. I have resolved to leave it alone. I am going to keep in touch as we said, but right now I'm not going to do anything since he has backed off I'll let him email or call first. I am going to work toward my goal of moving there anyway and if it comes to fruition, and I know dates, I will tell him. He may have moved on, he may not have. But if I can stay in his life as a friend, I think I will still have a shot. Because he is too emotionally retarded to realize how fantastic I am. Ha ha ha Just kidding I'm really nice though and I have a big heart so it's kinda hard to hurt people. Link to post Share on other sites
Rollercoasterr Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 I think you made the right decision on this. You're going there for you and not him. It's fine to let him know after you've made your decision, but as of right now don't mention it to him. Keep it all about you. If he decides he'd like to see you when you're there, then fine. But don't go out of your way to see if he'd want to. Let HIM come to YOU. And I agree that you should let him contact you first. That way he can't say you're chasing him or pushing him away, since you'll be giving him his space and giving him his much needed thinking time. Good job! Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 You arent crazy. You are just you. Wound up, High Strung, Passionate, Opinionated - whatever you want to call it. These traits are good for some parts of life and some people - but not others. He is laid back, easy going, vague as to the future....again, all traits that are can be either good or bad depending... You dont match. Not that you have to be the same , but the differences in a couple often compliment each other. Maybe yours dont. That isnt to say that you cant date guys that dont have the emotional energy you do - just have to find one that feels he is completed by you. This one doesnt. AND neither do you - you are feeling left out, insecure, wondering. Link to post Share on other sites
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