I guess it's true....you don't know what you had until it's gone!

[Cora]

Hey guys, I debated on whether to even post this or not but writing out what's on my mind seems to help me. Besides I figured it would be helpful to maybe get some different perspectives on the matter so here goes...

 

You all know the whole story of my relationship with the JERK and how things ended and if not feel free to read through my old threads. I'm not going to repeat it here since I'm sure you all are tired of hearing about it! I know I am!! Anyway, I'm calling him the JERK because I truly am trying to forget about him and it just hurts too much to think about him or say his name so excuse me but for now and for as long as I can see he will be known as the JERK.

 

Before I ever met the JERK I used to talk to a really nice guy named Ben. We met online and from then on we talked everyday on the phone. It was mostly friendly talk.....nothing romantic or anything. I really enjoyed his company and looked forward to his calls. He only lived about an hour or so away so close enough to see but far enough to be considered long distance I suppose. We actually talked about meeting since my family and I vacation in his area every year around Memorial Day weekend. So we both agreed that would be a perfect time for a face to face meeting! I was very excited at first but also reallly nervous. Ben was recently separated and was in the process of going through a divorce with his ex-wife. I was also a bit concerned about the age difference....even though not a huge difference by any means....just not what I'm used to. He is 33 and I'm 26. (32 and 25 at the time we met) He also had a 2 year old son. Needless to say we didn't end up meeting because I chickened out ughh!!! I was supposed to call him while there and schedule a time and place to meet but I never did. He left voicemails but I never returned his calls. I totally just freaked out!!!

 

I did however call him once I returned home from vacation and appologized for what I had done. I made up some excuse as to why I couldn't meet him and I felt sooo horrible! We continued to talk like normal for about a month or so until I met the JERK. I don't know what it was but I just kind of fell in love with the JERK. I don't know if it was because he was the same age as me and never been married etc.. or what? I just felt so comfortable around him and it was instant sparks!! I completely stopped talking to Ben after that. I just disappeared completely! He would continue to call everyday and leave voicemails but I would never answer and never return his calls. This went on for up to two weeks until he finally gave up. I felt so terrible!!! How could I have been soo stupid??? I basically did to Ben what the JERK did to me!! How am I any better really? Maybe this was karma kicking me in the butt!! UGHHH

 

Regardless of what happened I never stopped thinking about Ben...even while in a relationship with the JERK. I realized that I kind of missed Ben and there wasn't a day that went by where I didn't feel horrible about what I had done! The regret was starting to sink in but didn't get really bad until after the JERK pulled his disappearing act on me. That's when I fully saw the scope of things and how much it hurt to be left like this. So last week I decided to give Ben a call. I still had his number saved in my contact list on my cell and never erased a single one of his voicemails. Yeah I know silly! I don't know why I keep such things. My main reason for calling him was to appologize for the way I handled things and just to catch up with him and to see how he was doing.

 

He was quite surprised to hear from me to say the least....after all it had been eight months and I was calling him out of the blue. So we made small talk. He was in the middle of something so I tell him I can let him go but he insists on talking. He asked what made me think of him after all this time and I said something stupid like oh I just realized I still had your number in my phone and figured I would give you a call to catch up since it's been so long. He told me his divorce was now final. He also asked if I had been up in his area recently which I hadn't. Then he asked if I was dating anyone which I replied no. I figured he must still be interested since he was asking all this??? I asked him the same....if he was dating anyone? He said he was seeing this girl who lives kind of far away but things seemed to be going well. Me being the nosy person that I am asked exactly how far away does she live? He said 600 miles away in Florida and that he actually just got back from a trip down there visiting her.

 

It kind of stung that he was seeing someone now but what can I expect? I have no right after the way I treated him! So I told him I was happy for him and that I hoped it continues to go well. I then tell him about the LDR I had with the JERK and how things ended etc.. Ughh I tend to babble when I'm nervous and it just slipped right out. What he said next took me by surprise. He said to me he thought me and him could of really had a good thing and if I would have only given him a chance he would have treated me so much better than what the JERK did. UGHHHH I was in total shock and I couldn't even speak. I had no idea he had that kind of feelings for me. I felt awful!! That was my moment to appologize to him and all I could get out was a measly, stupid, little aww. WTF??? When we ended the convo I told him how nice it was talking with him etc.. He told me to take care and wished me all the best. I was kind of expecting his usual I'll talk to you later but he didn't.

 

So I was a bit crushed when our convo ended. I realize he is seeing someone now and that I probably hurt him a great deal but it still stung. I hate myself because I didn't even get my appology out because I freaked out once again! That was the main reason I called was to appologize and I didn't even do it!!! I don't know what I was expecting to happen but certainly not this. I figured we could still keep in touch....if nothing else just as friends? My question is do I still have a chance? Do you think he could still feel somehing for me? Or have I totally blew my chances with a good guy? I hate it that because of my stupid actions with choosing the JERK.....I screwed things up with Ben! I feel so guilty and I wish that somehow I could make things right! I was kind of hoping I would hear from him again...that maybe he would call me. But what the hell am I thinking??? He is seeing someone now and seems to be doing just wonderful without me. Serves him right after the way I treated him!! What should I do? I can't seem to stop thinking about him but I don't want to sound too pushy by calling him yet again? If nothing else I at least want to get my appology out so I can stop feeling such regret!

 

It is going to be hard because our annual family vacation is approaching yet again and I will be in his area. I would love to still meet him but probably not possible now? I really miss talking to him and if anything would love to at least salvage our friendship. What should I do? I feel like the only reason he probably thinks I called is because my relationship with the JERK didn't work out but the truth is I never stopped thinking about him. Yes I didn't contact him until the relationship was over but it does not mean that was why I did it. Nonetheless I felt like an a** calling him but I can't stop thinking about him. Any advice would be appreciated. Is there any hope left?

 

Please forgive me for the long post!!!

[boldjack]

Cora, by all means call him and apologize. It will relieve your mind and that is after all what you really want.

[Els]

Cora! I've gotta run in a bit (life hasn't been treating me gently!) but this is what I think, briefly:

 

1. If JERK overshadowed Ben so very much at that point, I really don't think you'd be happy even if for some reason you end up getting together with Ben. Because it's an indication that you really aren't much attracted to him. There must be a reason why he's overshadowed, no? Him being very much older than you and having a kid might squick you out from meeting him, but I don't think it has anything to do with what you felt for him, or the lack of it rather. Hazarding a guess, I would say that you didn't feel that huge rush, that brilliant spark, that feeling of 'rightness', that connection and compatibility and attraction.

 

JERK wasn't right for you, but it doesn't sound like Ben would've been either if JERK hadn't come along.

 

2. That being said, I agree it wasn't very nice of you to do that to him... but it happens, it was a mistake, and you realize it and won't do it again, that's all that matters. It sounds like he's already forgiven you, although I suppose it wouldn't hurt to apologize as long as he knows there's no ulterior motive behind the apology -- no expectations for him to get with you, rather.

 

3. He has a girlfriend. He said so. Be friends with him if you can Cora but do watch your emotions and what you do or say!

[DayDreamer75]

Cora

 

I think when people say you don't know what you had until it's gone, they usually mean that they were not really into it, or really happy and they were confident they would find someone or something better and they just did not. Now, it depends whether you can find someone better or not. It depends on many things: your expectations, what you want from a relationship, what kind of involvement you need from a man.

 

It seems to me that you don't want to be alone and this is why you are looking out for Ben. But Ben was not what you really wanted at the time. What makes you think you want him now? Did you ever ask him why he divorced? I think this is one of the important questions to ask in order to understand how committed this guy really is. I don't know about you but I have always looked for committed relationships.

 

The point is you are in a shaky place right now. You have been left and you feel lonely. Don't let this get you settled with less than what you deserve.

[Lucky_One]

Cora, when I see your posts, I see a friendly sweet girl who is afraid of life outside the computer screen, where she can meet men and have the chance to converse without social issues arising.

 

You are getting ready to re-exchange one internet obsession with another - again. From reading the details that emerged after the JERK disappeared, your relationship with him was not exactly how you portrayed it to be at the beginning, and you were far more invested in the relationship than he clearly was.

 

i think that your time would be best spent learning how to get out more socially. Start volunteering; every community - no matter the size - needs caring individuals desperately. Join a book club or a discussion group. Find an outdoor activity that interests you, like bird watching, or canoeing, or gardening, and join a group that does those activities. Stay online by all means, but you will be far happier if you are active in your local community and meeting new friends - limit the time that you chat or email with these men.

 

And as for your first internet guy? I would leave him alone at this point. He knows you are sorry without the words. If he wants you, then he knows where to find you. You dumped him cold, and he has moved on. That is what adults do - they move on.

 

It's time for you to move on, too - but not by exchanging your unrequited desire for love onto a different man.

 

Good luck - and I really mean that. I am not being as mean as this might sound!

[LonelyTiger]

Cora, you seem like such a sweet girl.

 

There are millions of men out there and you deserve to be with someone who is right for you - don't even think about settling for a man you clearly aren't that keen on. Would things ever really have progressed with Ben if the jerk hadn't showed up?

 

There is somebody else out there who you will feel comfortable with and get the 'sparks' again. Go out and find him.

 

It's ok to meet people online but until you actually meet someone in person you won't know if the 'sparks' and the comfortable feeling are for real.

 

I'd definitely let this one go. Ring to apologise if you need to but not for any other reason. You may have hurt him (just like the jerk hurt you), you're obviously sorry and have no doubt learnt a very painful lesson.

 

It's probably best if you move on and let Ben do the same.

[bean1]

Cora, when I see your posts, I see a friendly sweet girl who is afraid of life outside the computer screen, where she can meet men and have the chance to converse without social issues arising.

 

You are getting ready to re-exchange one internet obsession with another - again. From reading the details that emerged after the JERK disappeared, your relationship with him was not exactly how you portrayed it to be at the beginning, and you were far more invested in the relationship than he clearly was.

 

i think that your time would be best spent learning how to get out more socially. Start volunteering; every community - no matter the size - needs caring individuals desperately. Join a book club or a discussion group. Find an outdoor activity that interests you, like bird watching, or canoeing, or gardening, and join a group that does those activities. Stay online by all means, but you will be far happier if you are active in your local community and meeting new friends - limit the time that you chat or email with these men.

 

And as for your first internet guy? I would leave him alone at this point. He knows you are sorry without the words. If he wants you, then he knows where to find you. You dumped him cold, and he has moved on. That is what adults do - they move on.

 

It's time for you to move on, too - but not by exchanging your unrequited desire for love onto a different man.

 

Good luck - and I really mean that. I am not being as mean as this might sound!

 

I agree 100%. FIND YOURSELF. This is the time. Go out, join a sports team, take a night class, go for coffee, hangout at a bookstore, work, take a mini day trip into the big city, hang out with the girls, whatever, but do something for yourself! Your self-worth is low right now and you need to find it in YOU, not another man. You can't possibly participate in a healthy relationship unless you are a healthy person yourself.

 

Use this as a learning experience. Be an independent person. It sounds like you lost yourself and possibly were in a bit of a fantasy world. Real life is beautiful, go out and embrace it.

 

I met my SO online, I'm not judging that at all, BUT you have to live in the real world. The computer is nothing but a box with a screen. People have been meeting and socializing with others for millions of years without a need for a computer.

[Cora]

Thank you guys for all of your advice! I think I am just going to write Ben an e-mail. Maybe I'll send it and maybe I wont. I don't know yet. I am just going to apologize for the way in which I handled things......nothing less and nothing more. I can't bring myself to call him again. I feel too foolish! To be honest you are right. I don't need Ben in my life right now or any other man for that matter. I am still in a state of depression and not really thinking straight. I am just trying to pull myself together now. I have re-read my post so many times and realize how silly it sounds. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me but I'm trying to get it together! I have separated myself from life a bit and am just living in my own little world just going through the motions. I want to jump back into life but it still hurts. I don't know if I'm even making any sense? Thank you all again though for your wonderful advice.

[LonelyTiger]

You'll be OK Cora. We've all been hurt by somebody at some point in our lives and, as hard as it may be to believe it now, you will get over it and, when the time is right, you'll meet the man you're meant to be with.

 

Your post doesn't sound silly at all - you're feeling low and looking for something to make you feel better. You think that 'something' is another man but, as most people have said here, you'd be better to focus on yourself.

 

Relax, have fun, go out with your friends and throw yourself in to your life.

 

I wish you all the best.

[Cora]

Thank you so much LonelyTiger. I really appreciate that!

[Cora]

Cora, when I see your posts, I see a friendly sweet girl who is afraid of life outside the computer screen, where she can meet men and have the chance to converse without social issues arising.

 

You are getting ready to re-exchange one internet obsession with another - again. From reading the details that emerged after the JERK disappeared, your relationship with him was not exactly how you portrayed it to be at the beginning, and you were far more invested in the relationship than he clearly was.

 

i think that your time would be best spent learning how to get out more socially. Start volunteering; every community - no matter the size - needs caring individuals desperately. Join a book club or a discussion group. Find an outdoor activity that interests you, like bird watching, or canoeing, or gardening, and join a group that does those activities. Stay online by all means, but you will be far happier if you are active in your local community and meeting new friends - limit the time that you chat or email with these men.

 

And as for your first internet guy? I would leave him alone at this point. He knows you are sorry without the words. If he wants you, then he knows where to find you. You dumped him cold, and he has moved on. That is what adults do - they move on.

 

It's time for you to move on, too - but not by exchanging your unrequited desire for love onto a different man.

 

Good luck - and I really mean that. I am not being as mean as this might sound!

 

 

Lucky_One I didn't take it as you being mean at all! You actually hit the nail on the head. I have always had a problem with social anxiety and haven't had many friends because of it. I don't do well meeting new people because I don't put myself out there to do so! I take the easy way out by hiding behind the computer screen and the phone etc. When it comes time to finally meet I freak out! As a child my mother threw me into any and everything possible to get me out of my shyness....ballet, tap, gymnastics, softball, basketball, piano lessons, swimming lessons, chior etc.....the list could go on and on. It terrified me to death! Yeah, so this is my own issue that needs to be taken care of before anything else. I'm working on it but it's tough at times. I just keep telling myself someday I will get there.....sigh. Thanks again Lucky_One. I really appreciate your advice!

[Lucky_One]

You'll be OK Cora. We've all been hurt by somebody at some point in our lives and, as hard as it may be to believe it now, you will get over it and, when the time is right, you'll meet the man you're meant to be with.

 

Your post doesn't sound silly at all - you're feeling low and looking for something to make you feel better. You think that 'something' is another man but, as most people have said here, you'd be better to focus on yourself.

 

Relax, have fun, go out with your friends and throw yourself in to your life.

 

I wish you all the best.

 

Tiger is exactly right. It's not silly to go looking for something to make you feel better. Some believe "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else", but I don't think that is the way that you would live your life - you just don't seem like the sort of girl to jump into bed with a new lover just for the thrill of it. So - go looking for something to make yourself feel better, but make sure it is healthy and productive!

 

You can do this!

[Cora]

Thank you Lucky_One!!! Right now I am throwing myself back into my studies. I just scheduled my exam and am keeping my fingers crossed that I do well! Yikes!!! Hopefully this time next year I will be a certified Elementary School Teacher! I can't wait to start teaching!!! LOL So I'm trying to keep myself busy and not be so damn gloomy all the time lol. Thanks guys for everything!

[EllieBean]

It seems like you didn't want to be with Ben in the first place, even when he was single and interested. It isn't a crime to be put off by an age difference or someone having kids (my bf is 10 years older and divorced with kids, and I dithered for a long time over whether I wanted to date him).

 

So if you didn't want Ben then, why do you want him now? It seems like you're only regretting losing him because things with the JERK fell through. I had a similar thing once - this guy asked me out and I said no, I dated another guy and when it fell through I convinced myself I should have dated the first guy. I hadn't wanted him at the time, I was just lonely, and thank god he was already dating someone otherwise I would have ended up stringing him along in a relationship I wasn't completely happy in.

 

If I were you, I'd email Ben, simply to apologise for how you treated him. If it was karma, you learned a valuable lesson here about treating people with respect. It would be nice if you and Ben could still be friends, and you never know how things might work out - my cousin dated this girl and they split up but kept in touch, they both dated other people, then when they both ended up single again they got back together and got married! Not saying that you should expect that, but it would be nice to stay friends with the guy if you enjoy talking to each other. At least he doesn't seem bitter, so I expect he'll accept your apology, which should at least make you feel a bit less guilty.

[Cora]

Thanks Ellie! I'm def gonna email him and apologize at least. If he wants to remain friends that is up to him. If not it's understandable. I hurt him....lesson learned! I have alot of work to do on myself before I can be in another relationship. I have alot of growing up and maturing to do and I'm working on that. For now I'm done with men. I'm gonna just concentrate on myself and finishing up school. Thanks again!

[KikiW]

Cora, even in the short time I've gotten to know you through your posts (as well as any anonymous person can through a forum setting) you've already grown so much, and learned a lot. You opened your heart and had it stomped on by a jackass. You've made your share of mistakes, but you've made them without malice or cruelty of mind. You're such a sweet person, and you deserve the best. I have always been one who feels that things happen for a reason, and they happen the way they should, so I am certain the best things in life are still waiting to be revealed to you when you are at the right place in life to see them.

 

Hang in there and treat yourself well

[Cora]

Thank you KikiW!

[Bermudagirl]

Cora, I have been following your posts for awhile now. From what I have read you do have some growing up to do. One relationship already ended and here you are already jumping to the next guy?? Leave this previous guy alone and work on yourself. Jumping from one guy to the next isn't the answer honey! I can assure you of that. You say you just wanted to apologize for treating him horribly but you know good and well it was more than that. Be honest with yourself and work on yourself. Once you are fully over one broken relationship then move on to the next!!

[Cora]

Bermudagirl....I didn't mean for it to sound as if I was jumping from one guy to the next...but ughh I guess it does sound that way huh? That is not my intention at all and I'm not that kind of person to do such a thing. Ughh... guess I'm not painting a really good picture of myself though am I? Yeah I know I need to concentrate on myself and like I said before I need to mature alot. I'm not ready for a relationship. I'm going to leave Ben alone. I'm just gonna work on being happy by myself.

 

Thank you:)

[Rollercoasterr]

Cora, I'm so proud of you.

 

Just letting you know.

[Cora]

Thank you so much Rollercosterr! That means alot. I know this pain will end soon and I'll be able to move on. I'm working on it....sigh. Thanks again!

[Bermudagirl]

Bermudagirl....I didn't mean for it to sound as if I was jumping from one guy to the next...but ughh I guess it does sound that way huh? That is not my intention at all and I'm not that kind of person to do such a thing. Ughh... guess I'm not painting a really good picture of myself though am I? Yeah I know I need to concentrate on myself and like I said before I need to mature alot. I'm not ready for a relationship. I'm going to leave Ben alone. I'm just gonna work on being happy by myself.

 

Thank you:)

 

 

Yes it does sound that way Cora. You really need to stop guy hopping and spend some time alone for awhile, or are you afraid of being alone? I can assure you if you keep this up you will end up alone!

[mental_traveller]

Email him and say you are sorry, have a lot of regrets, but are still interested and if he becomes single again, to contact you and meet up to see how it goes.

 

Then move on with life and assume you won't hear from him again. If he does get in touch later and you are both single, you can try and see how things are between you.

[Cora]

Hey guys......sorry to bring this up again (I know I can be a pain sometimes) but I was just looking for some advice. A couple of weeks ago I did in fact send Ben that apology email. I made no such reference that I was in hopes of us getting back together someday. I did however mention that I would love to keep in touch as friends but if he did not see that as being possible right now or ever I would understand. I'm not sure if he even got the email to be honest since I'm not sure if the address I sent it to was an account he regularly used or an old one. We always communicated by phone so I'm not sure. Anyway, that was over two weeks ago and I just let it go and kind of forgot about it. Well the other day I noticed I recieved a missed call from him but he left no voicemail. I'm not sure what he wanted because when he used to call before he would always leave a voicemail.......although that was when we were regularly communicating. I figured whatever he had to say must of not been of much importance or maybe he decided he didn't want to chat afterall who knows? My question is should I call him back and say I noticed I had a missed call from you and wanted to see how you were doing? Or should I just let it go? It's been two days and he hasn't called since. Just looking for some thoughts? Thanks

[bunnybunny]

Hi there! If I were you, I would just leave things how they are. I wouldn't call back. You did what you felt you had to do and now its just time to move on.