Is having sex with other people ok during separation???

[taurus30]

Just a question I know will get many different responses.

Well me and my husband are in the process of separating. It's a very complicated situation as most individual cases are.

We have been together for 9 years and married for 4 1/2. Been going through some tough times the last 6 months or so, but it is his decision to separate. He is going through some life changes and needs to find himself or something.

He has started a new career which enables him to be around women all the time. Which has been very hard for me. We got together when we were about 20 and I was his first. I did have some experience and that was hard for him to think about.

He admitted that during our separation that there may be a chance he may have sex with other women and wanted to let me know up front. Of course I'm not ok with it, but what do I do. He says I am the love of his life, and that when he is finished figuring out things then I am the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. He says I can do the same...but I really don't want to. I've read on other websites about separation and some of them are for it and against it.

I'm just wondering am I supposed to wait for him, while he goes and has fun. Should I let him do his own thing for awhile since we are separating. It's very hard. We both know that we love each other and that we are soulmates.

Any suggestions

[PWSX3]

While you are separated are you still married by the courts?

 

Do married people have sex with other people???

 

Should be able to answer your own question......

 

Do you want to work on the marriage? If so it will be MUCH harder to get back together once you are intimate with someone else.

 

Sounds like he just wants to go get his winnie a little wet to see what it's like & then come back to what is safe....

 

It just depends on how much you really want to forgive him for cheating.

 

I don't buy that "I need to find myself" stuff, that can be done in a marriage with some good counseling.....

[taurus30]

While you are separated are you still married by the courts?

 

Do married people have sex with other people???

 

Should be able to answer your own question......

 

Do you want to work on the marriage? If so it will be MUCH harder to get back together once you are intimate with someone else.

 

 

Thanks for your reply. I know I have already been thinking about all of that. It's just a really hard time, because he is the one who needs time. I have been wanting to work on our marriage but he always has excuses.

What do you say to someone who keeps saying I love you so much and you're the one I want to be with. It's very confusing.

So now I get to be a single mother, yeah..while he is off having fun ...and wondering and waiting when he wants to come back to me, yeah right.

I guess time will tell.

[LakesideDream]

Actually PWS, in many states "legal seperation" is a court ordered or sanctioned state of existance and in those states what happens after the legal seperation takes effect the "other partys" cannot use the emotional, physical, sexual behavior while seperated against each other.

 

Is the real question one of "morality"? If so I'm probably not qualified to give an absoulte opinion. I don't believe I would hold it against a future spouse if she excercised her vagina with a new partner if officially seperated.

 

These two seem so young, and at least the man is inexperianced that it might be crushing for him if his wife excercised her sexual perogitive. It seems reasonable for both to figure out their true marital status before beginning to bang others.

[Darth Vader]

While you are separated are you still married by the courts?

 

Do married people have sex with other people???

 

Should be able to answer your own question......

 

Do you want to work on the marriage? If so it will be MUCH harder to get back together once you are intimate with someone else.

 

 

Thanks for your reply. I know I have already been thinking about all of that. It's just a really hard time, because he is the one who needs time. I have been wanting to work on our marriage but he always has excuses.

What do you say to someone who keeps saying I love you so much and you're the one I want to be with. It's very confusing.

So now I get to be a single mother, yeah..while he is off having fun ...and wondering and waiting when he wants to come back to me, yeah right.

I guess time will tell.

 

 

What he's doing is cheating. I can understand how he feels about never having others like you did, like feeling he got jipped out on, but he would still be cheating. Perhaps you need to tell him that if he screws around, you're gone!

[taurus30]

Thank you all for your replies. It's nice getting outside opinions on the situation.

[whichwayisup]

He says I am the love of his life, and that when he is finished figuring out things then I am the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with.

 

aka, when I go nail alot of women and get that out of my system then I'll come back and we can start over, or pick up where we left off.

 

Problem is, he goes off and does whatever, then maybe you go off and do whatever, what happens if one of you FALLS for someone else?

 

He is having a midlife crisis and needs counselling, not other women! He IS cheating on you, or wants to by letting you know upfront what his plans are. If I were in your shoes I wouldn't put up with it - If he chose to go bang other women, then it would be over.

 

It sounds like he is immature and feels he missed out - aka mid life crisis.. SO instead of getting professional help and acting like a mature adult, a married person who said vows, he is backing out of ALL responsibilities he has to you, to your kids. WTF.

 

Tell him if he goes, don't bother coming home.

[Justanotherschmuck]

That hypothetical situation has ALREADY happened.

 

Not a chance in hell he hasn't.

 

And you don't seperate so you can get back together.

 

He's renting to own right now....If his new "place" or "places" don't give him any happiness, he's moving back in to his old place.

 

Tell him if he proceeds on this pathetic excuse, he's done at home. DOn't give him a safety net.

 

Plus, you know what, he an azzhole for actually TELLING you he's thinking of messing around. I guess getting his rocks off includes you worrying about it. Nice guy.

[2sunny]

so he wants to have sex with other women and to ease his guilt he wants your approval?

 

you are allowed to say NO!!!! if he acts on his words and thoughts of being with other women at least you can say that he crossed your boundary and you find it unacceptable.

 

if you say yes, then what basis do you have for him cheating.

 

he's really only asking you to approve the cheating... dang - what a dork, i couldn't be married to someone that wants approval to really hurt me to the core. that is just the epitome of selfish behavior.

 

does this look like loving behavior to you?

[pparrott]

I'm with schmuck.........It's already happened!

He's using this allegid separation as an excuse to either continue a relationship that has already started.....or to get more of what he has already tasted.

Seems to me the two of you need to have a long talk about what type of separation this is going to be. If it's one where you "find yourself" & try to work on your marriage......then hanging with other women is out of the question.

IF it is a separation that will end in divorce, then I say, who cares what he does. You go find yourself & perhaps in the process find someone that will care about you & not play games to "get their way!!"

[taurus30]

It sounds like he is immature and feels he missed out - aka mid life crisis.. SO instead of getting professional help and acting like a mature adult, a married person who said vows, he is backing out of ALL responsibilities he has to you, to your kids. WTF.

 

 

Thank you, he is being very immature & selfish but he will never admit it.

I told him today if he choses to have sex with other women he better think real hard before he does if he ever wants a chance back with me.

But I am not stupid..I know the chances of it happening are very high.

It's just so hard because we have a 15 month old daughter and now she has to go through this.

[taurus30]

Thanks again for all the replies. This is my first time writing on this message board, however I have read a lot of helpful posts in the past and I amazed at the feedback. It's nice that people can give there opinion without making me feel stupid for putting up with it.

[Lizzie60]

Thing is.. he's already in an A... probably infatuated with this OW... hence HIS decision to separate.

 

Now.. since he probably cannot 'predict' the future.. he's not sure if it's going to work out with her.. so he just wants to make sure you know about it..so you'll wait for him.. in case it doesn't work out with her.

 

To make sure you'll wait.. he's telling you that you are the love of his life. that you're the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with.... so that in the mean time.. he can enjoy this other woman and that he might, later on, have another affair, if this one doesn't work out.

 

He is going through some life changes and needs to find himself or something.

 

That's bull's crap.. that's the other way of saying 'I want to go out there and f*ck other women'.

 

If you wait for him, while Almighty H goes out and enjoy himself.. then you're a complete doormat.. and he will step on you every chance he'll get... knowing that you will naively wait for him again.

 

Dump him... move on.. life is too short.

[pelicanpreacher]

Thing is.. he's already in an A... probably infatuated with this OW... hence HIS decision to separate.

 

Now.. since he probably cannot 'predict' the future.. he's not sure if it's going to work out with her.. so he just wants to make sure you know about it..so you'll wait for him.. in case it doesn't work out with her.

 

To make sure you'll wait.. he's telling you that you are the love of his life. that you're the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with.... so that in the mean time.. he can enjoy this other woman and that he might, later on, have another affair, if this one doesn't work out.

 

He is going through some life changes and needs to find himself or something.

 

That's bull's crap.. that's the other way of saying 'I want to go out there and f*ck other women'.

 

If you wait for him, while Almighty H goes out and enjoy himself.. then you're a complete doormat.. and he will step on you every chance he'll get... knowing that you will naively wait for him again.

 

Dump him... move on.. life is too short.

 

The moon must have stopped in its orbit for I completely agree with Liz today! (Now Liz, if you can take to heart the sentiment you've just expressed then the next time another OM comes along with the same old 'rattle and hum' I think you'll find you that you'll neither need nor want them anymore.)

[taurus30]

I know the logical thing is to dump him, but it is hard when you have put so much time and energy into a relationship.

I am looking forward to this separation though, these past few months have been somewhat of a rollercoaster ride for me. I am sick of being in pain.

There are other things that are going on as well....so that's why I am looking forward to change. Spend sometime on myself, getting to know me again.

Everyone's input makes a lot of sense.

Sometimes we all take things for granted, when things are comfortable in our lives. Things can change so suddenly without us even knowing it.

I honestly can't see myself going back to him knowing that he has been with other girls...that will be lingering in my mind for the rest of our lives.

[iptwife]

I am going through the exact same thing you are. We have a one and two year they will be three and two this year. I was my husband first, we got married at 19. I feel lioke I shopuld wait for him. I say go with you heart.