Need a married mans opinion please!

[kc]

Need a married man's opinion!

 

I am in a quandry.. I know I should just end it, but I have been in an affair with my partner (we work 24 hour shifts) for the past year and a half. What amazes me is that he still wants to be with me, as we are together just at work alone for 72-96 hours per week, and we do bicker and even fight on occassion. Yes, he's married (<5 yrs) and has two small children (3 and 5). It started out as "just fun", but I have fallen deeply in love with him. In the beginning, we were constantly "all over eachother", but it was kept at work. We still have a physical relationship and it is wonderful (just not as often anymore, used to be 2-3 times a day), but I get the impression that he wants it not to be "cheap" but instead be able to take our time, and for the last 6-8 months he has begun to say my name over and over again when we are "together". Then around 6-8months into the relationship, we began to have contact outside of work-spending nights together, doing things together (just silly little things sometimes, like shopping for things-kind of domestic stuff, I suppose),going to movies and dinner (sometimes with my kids too), he has a relationship with my two children (who adore him-don't know of our affair of course). We have always had long, wonderful, deep conversations about our common interests, and we have many common interests. I have told him (just recently) that I am in love with him. He has always said that he cares for me and thinks of me often when I am not with him and loves spending time with me (and my kids). He at first said that he cares for me very much but is afraid of getting too close to me for fear of the feelings he might develop for me. Now he says that I am one of the closest people to his heart, and that he feels for me very deeply (but not sure how). I know he is devoted to his children, but his wife I don't know. He never speaks ill of her and does share some things about them with me; he makes references to that people change from what we thought they were (she's not the same as when they married maybe?). I try to respect his privacy and I do not probe him for information though. He did marry her not too long after his first love (who he had met in high school and was planning to marry) died in a car accident. He also told me (when I asked) that him and his wife were not married when their first child was born. Lately I've been really feeling as if I want him around all of the time, to share my life with. I would so love to be able to come home to him. My heart aches for him, I love him so, but my mind keeps on telling me that this cannot go any further. I find myself wishing that his wife would find somebody else so she would just leave, and I know I shoudln't wish that on anyone. I guess I would just like to hear a man's point of view-from a man who has been the one having an affair. I just feel that I am so lucky to actually know now what it feels like to be in love (I never really have been before) and when I am with him I am so happy. I truly mean it when I say that, even if this goes "south", I will not want anybody else, as this man is (as a person) everything I could want in a man (I do not believe that I have the right to judge him for this extramarital affair, as they usually happen for complex psychological reasons, and besides that, nobody has the right to judge anyone else).

[VASH THE STAMPEDE]

That's a long post .I'm married and have 6 kids.But I have not cheated on my wife and wont ,so theres little I could say towards this except that if he wants to continue this affair he should get a divorce first.

I don't understand it why do you want to get with someone thats cheated on a person who he promised to love and keep in marriage.

He's not faithful,he'll probably do the same to you.

[kc]

I suppose I'm trying to justify his behavior. Do you think it's possible that two people could grow apart but one is does not have the courage to leave because he does not want to lose his kids? I have a difficult time believing that if a person is unfaithful once, they will neccessarily be that way in the future, but I do not see the unfaithfulness as a character defect, more as a symptom of something being wrong in the relationship. I'm sure there are plenty of people who would tell me I am wrong. I salute your fidelity though, and I am impressed with the fact that you two have 6 children. You must be an amazing person! =0) Thank you for your reply.

[VASH THE STAMPEDE]

[LuckyStar]

i seperated from my husband because i felt that it would have been in the best interest of my daughter. Initially it was very difficult for everyone however, my daughter is 8 and i am always considering what is best for her. I concentrate and put a lot of my time and effort into raising my child, academically and spiritually.

 

You should never expose children to the other man/woman.

 

So therefore, I believe using children for not leaving is an excuse.

[super_sillygirl]

I agree, using children as an excuse. I knew a married man who has no children. We have affairs, and his excuse was his wife was big and ugly, etc, but very beautiful inside, and he did not want to leave her to ruin her life, etc,etc. He said I was the first girl who he had affairs with outside his marriage, and later he admitted that he has quite a few girls outside his marriage before me, but they did not see each other anymore. Finally, I found out from his friend that he has over hundreds of girlfriends all over the world (because of the nature of his work, he has to travel all the time)

 

Believe me, being faithful has everything to do with his personality. He just married his wife for 3 years, and he told me that he prepared to cheat on his wife from the first day of their marriage. His another excuse was, if he found a perfect woman, young, good looking, good body, well-educated, etc, he would stick to that woman. But again, I doubt it.

 

And why women would easily fall for married men who cheated on their wives? This is because they all treat their girlfriends with care, and speak sweet words to them. They seem to be very gentle, caring, and tender. But all these are rubbish. Because they cannot give commitment to their girlfriends, so they must do these stuff to keep the girls. Please don't waste your time on him. Judge him from what he did and not what he said. You knew him long enough to ask him to get divorced with his wife and marry you. If he agreed, keep him. Otherwise, dump him. Go to some friend-finding web-sites, and find some new friends. This is difficult, I know. But you must do it.

 

God bless you.

[bark]

I'm your man. I have 2 children (14 and 16), I've been married more than 20 years and just ended a torrid 3 year affair with a married woman-- herself a mother of 2(4 and 7).

 

Affairs are frequently wonderful--the sex and emotional intensity are frequently off the charts. The passion is other worldly, and so on. But guess what--as with most things, affairs end. The passion ebbs, things become inconvenient, the bad conscience becomes overpowering. Then all you are left with are memories.

 

Based on your post, I predict this guy will not leave his family for you. The longer the affair, the less likely that will happen.

 

You're then left with 2 choices: continue the affair until it becomes a shadow marriage or cut your losses and get out. And find someone who is more than just emotionally and sexually available on an ad hoc basis--find a real partner. (I know, easier said than done.)

 

Trust me on this:The longer the affair lasts, the more emotionally crushing the end will be. My affair ended more than 6 months ago, and I'm only now recovered.

 

It's your choice. And whatever you choose, it won't be easy.

[sweng3764]

I had an affair with a married man 12 years ago and he treated me the same way your man treats you: the sex was frequent and fantastic, he professed his love to me on a daily basis, he told me he couldn't live without me, he told me he'd never known another woman like me, he told me we were fated to be together, blah, blah, blah.

 

He left his wife after he and I had been together six months and filed for divorce. I couldn't imagine (and really didn't care about) the heartache the affair caused his wife until five years later when he had an affair with one of my friends and left me for her. Only then did I realize the pain I had caused his wife five years earlier.

 

I think that was God's way of teaching me that sleeping with married men is wrong. I would have preferred a 2 x 4 upside my head.

[mixedup1]

Just as the post above this states, the pain you are going to cause his wife, is unbearable. You will never know the pain till you get cheated on. I don't wish this pain on my worst enemy. Believe me, once he left his wife and you two became a couple, legally and he got divorced. Well, it would become just another marriage going to go bad. You have a thrill so to speak with him being married. Its like speeding in a car way over the speed limit. A number of things could go wrong, with the car....this is just an analogy here...lol but its fun to go faster than the speed limit cause we know were not spose too. When the speed limit is raised to what you used to find fun, but not any more cause its not a challenge, you will move on to another car that can go faster, cause the old car you don't get a thrill anymore and you have to work at it to get that thrill..

Get it? well, get out of it. Leave this poor woman who is raising his kids and has no idea of his affair alone. Your going to break her heart and destroy their relationship and you also destroy the families of the husband and wife because it affects so many people when an affair comes out in the open. Its a very brutal thing to do to a marriage. Get a single man, that could'nt be too hard?? I think they are out there by the millions! People quit having relationships with people who have basically taken a promise to each other and to god to love one another and be faithful to oneanother the rest of their lives. LEAVE MARRIED PEOPLE ALONE ....sheeesh...I wish they would have a very strict punishment for adulterers...I dont know what would be fitting but, Its right up there with murder if ya believe in the bible. well, almost but not quite murder....I wouldnt want to have that on my long list of bad things I have done. That might be the straw that will break the camels back when and if we do have a judgement day....eh? ok i put my two cents worth in. I am not trying to cheapen the love (lust) you have for this guy but, lady he's spoken for. hit the road or carma is gonna be comming soon i would fear for you. What comes around goes around....dont forget it. Youll understand what were saying one day my dear. You will and I dont wish it upon you at all. Take care, use that conscience thingy in your head that says this is wrong to do....listen to it...its not broken, but something else is I think.

[moonspinner]

Would you blow-dry your hair while taking a bath?

[mixedup1]

Would that be a bath of love, flowers, or your typical tub full of water? Assuming water, I think most would say no, of course not. Why? The obvious, they have heard terrible stories of people dying from electrocution that way. But, some people just have to learn the hard way. Sometimes learning the hard way is very unforgiving. I know, I have quite a few degrees from that school...SOHK; (school of hard knocks) currently working on another graduate degree.......slap me please.

I am still trying to get my wife back after almost 4 months of living emotional termoil. It's getting so old, I think I am giving up finally, talk about a ruthless way to pay for not paying enough attention to your wife. I probably deserved some of it but not this much, it's so hard to leave someone when you love them unconditionally. I wish she had the same love for me, I think she did at one time, but an affair can certainly turn a good person mighty evil. I am in disbelief what life dishes out sometimes. I don't think I will ever trust anyone completely, which is sad. I did trust my wife to the point of not even worrying about her having an affair cause I thought we were on the same level of devotion, love, dedication and all that stuff you have to take the persons word on. Well, the woman I thought was perfect, who I thought I would grow old with, has hurt me emotionally so much in the last 4 months, she won't budge, she isnt seeing this guy I don't believe, but she wont come back, she makes me think she is then bam, backs out...I think she either enjoys jerking my chain as a payback or she just has no idea what she is doing to me cause she has no idea the ongoing sick, weak, broken heart, knot in the gut feeling I walk around with daily, I just can't get her out of my heart or mind. I havent seen anyone, but I believe I will have to file for divorce just to put an end to something that I can't take anymore. She won't divorce but she won't come back either!? what the hell gets into the heads of the adulterous person, are they even playing with a full deck?? I would think not. I always said to people as a person looking in, after they had said their spouse is having an affair, "Dump the bum" or dump the worthless bitch....easy to say when you have nothing invested. Very hard to do when you have built your life and dedicated yourself to this person only to get totally burned. Not to mention the possible future experiences that won't happen if I do divorce, it's really not an easy choice unless the love had dwindled. Unfortuneately once I love, and its hard to open up those gates and let my protected feelings out, I always gaurd them cause I hate the hurt involved in somthing like this. Man, o Man, LOVE HURTS as Nazareth the band so musically put it. I would do anything for this woman, she wants to move back in and try, the feelings are there, I know they are. But she won't do it. She doesnt want the life we had before. I know I will do everything with her, anything, I have become very awake to the fact I neglected her. But it's too late she says. Well, I have spent the last 4 months non stop, trying to save the life I had with her. Only to be repeatedly shot down, put down, trashed, humiliated, you name it. Man I am a glutten for punishment. I know I am a fool, but I did promise for better or for worse, I love this woman who she used to be and sometimes still is, but I know, I know, I have to destroy the city to save the city unfortunately. It's not easy, ....blah blah....damnit I really wish her affair never happened, but ....I guess, fate has dealt me a bad hand or I laid down the wrong cards....I will end this self pity thread, I just wish 18 years had not flown by so fast, we have a lot of memories, now all memories and people, just quit hitting on married people, I want to rip this guys head off, but, I don't want to go to prison either... but, he will get his, so will my wife, until then they are just ignorant players in this ruthless game of life. Ta Ta good luck everyone.

[moonspinner]

I hope your pain doesn't linger. Your post hints at a sweet and intelligent man.

[mixedup1]

ummmm, ummmmm, glib?

 

I don't know about that moonspinner. But thanks. Is that like Andy Gibbs brother errr sumthin? : p har dee har har.

 

Well,......pain.....wish I could just take an aspirin and call ya in the morning. But to my knowledge some Marcaine wouldnt even do the job I don't think. Ya, unfortunately this kinda pain is brought on when you least expect it even after you think your over it many years down the road. I had this girlfriend in 10th grade......well, first love and all that but to make a long story short, she was basically too upperclass or goodie two shoes...who knows. All I know is that I loved her, she told me to hit the road jack..dont cha come back no more no more ...you know the song... well, try as I may......yep, heart break hotel. But I had dreams of her quite a few years after my wife and I met and man, I would wake up with tears in my eyes cause It was so real, knowing I still love her (brenda) high school, and I loved my wife Sally,(still cheating on me too) damn her. But, its like real flagrant in yer face, jab jab, cross, hook. So I am kinda getting chapped in the defensive respect dept. But feelings, wish I could just turn them off life the bathwater and the blow dryer thang. They stick, I was'nt around for the Teflon coated heart, I have the pure Iron heart that everything sticks too. It kinda sux but it's kinda good too cause its not like I lose any love over time. Double edge sword for sure. So, whatcha doing tonite moonshiner?

I hope your a woman, I apolagize I kinda assumed that, just kinda kidding ya anyways. You sound or look or register on my decoder personality card as if you are the same type, possibly, dunno, but man, I wonder what lifes bowl of cherries holds next....Probly a bowl of brussel sprouts with no salt or butter. Bitter stuff. Well, gots ta go, cause I am ramblin. glib....still wondering what exactly does glib mean,? dreary, dull, partly cloudy?...fair to partly sunny? or just a warm breezy day. hehe...too lazy to actually find out on my own. Hey, type at cha l8r.

 

MiXeDuP1...

[moonspinner]

Yes I am female.

 

And I think your sensitivity appeals to both genders.