"bestfriend" is lying to me

[blind_otter]

...I think to protect my feelings.

 

Basically I was supposed to host a party to meet bestfriend's new boyfriend. Another friend of ours offered to have it at her house, then rescheduled the party to another day where I would be out of town; she had already invited other people that I didn't know, so she wouldn't reschedule just for me. No problem, whatever. I guess I'll meet him some other time - but my bestfriend lied to me and said she wasn't going to have a party unless I was there, and that she was going to lie to our mutual friend and say she had to play at a wedding (she plays cello), so she didn't have to go.

 

I found out that she is going, and invited other friends of ours, but whenever I ask her about it she changes the subject or avoids it altogether....

 

Back story: We have been friends for 2 decades, but not close this entire time. She has betrayed me in really horrible ways in the past, but I always eventually take her back. I don't know why...I guess I hope that she will change and stop doing this.

 

She has always been ready to ditch me if she thinks that she can "upgrade". In college we lived together and she hitched this insidious plan to steal my boyfriend. Over the course of a month she seduced him behind my back (easy since we lived together) and then they started openly dating while I was at a family reunion, but the week I was gone both of them lied to me the entire time. I didn't find out until I got back, from our other roommate who thought the whole thing was disgusting.

 

I was furious - not that she stole that choad of a boyfriend, but because she betrayed my trust and she was my best and dearest friend. We parted ways.

 

2 years later she tentatively tried to regain my friendship and I welcomed her back. She used me, basically, to have a place to live while she was broken up with her then husband. When she got back together with him, she stopped speaking to me for 4 years.

 

Now, she moved back here a couple of years ago and we rekindled our friendship. I've never been anything but honest to her - brutally so, at times, but I dish out what I would like in return.

 

I don't know how to handle this situation, except to file this away as "people suck" and just disconnect from her without any huge confrontation. I just don't think it's worth it anymore, considering our rocky past....

[CarrieT]

The actions you describe are anything BUT what a "best friend" would do. What do you get from this friendship that you have continually put up with so much and keep coming back?

 

Sounds like it is time to get some new friends...

[blind_otter]

I don't know. I have bad instincts in general when it comes to people. Most of the people I have let into my life have done some pretty nasty stuff to me, from stealing money to stealing boyfriends. I sometimes think I must invite this sort of behavior by how I act....

 

I don't know if it's even worth confronting her over it. I can sense that she is looking to upgrade me - I have a baby now, I am not fun to her and my life is boring to her. They can have her, I guess. I don't want to go through this all over again....

[2sunny]

that's not a friend much less a "best friend" my friends don't do that to me. if they did i would ditch them so quick and tell them why. i bet she's one of those friends that only comes around when she needs something from you, or wants to dump on you and suck you emotionally dry. who needs that?

 

the bottom line is - she's lying. she also didn't go to bat for you with the change of date. avoiding the truth is still a form of lying.

 

people who are your true friends wouldn't consider hurting your feelings this way. tell her you decided that you deserve more out the friendship and cut her loose.

 

that's a good boundary to stick with.

[blind_otter]

Thanks, 2s. I have trouble with my boundaries, that's for sure. I'm sad, but I know I have to do something. I can't just pretend it didn't happen.

 

I talked to her last night and gave her an opportunity to tell me - I asked her outright, what are you doing this weekend? She just changed the subject. After that I said I had to go and ended the conversation.

[Ariadne]

I asked her outright, what are you doing this weekend? She just changed the subject. After that I said I had to go and ended the conversation.

 

Sorry about that BO.

 

There's no need to be desperate either.

[2sunny]

Thanks, 2s. I have trouble with my boundaries, that's for sure. I'm sad, but I know I have to do something. I can't just pretend it didn't happen.

 

I talked to her last night and gave her an opportunity to tell me - I asked her outright, what are you doing this weekend? She just changed the subject. After that I said I had to go and ended the conversation.

 

just point blank call her out on this. you can approach it in a kind way that allows her to understand that you've decided against continuing with the friendship.

 

how about - "i know about the gathering and i gave you reasonable chances to be honest with me - i think it's best we don't continue our friendship."

 

that way - you aren't placing judgment on her, just stating that you are unwilling to live with her actions and words.

 

don't allow her to argue the point. it is designed to be a statement - not up for discussion.

 

can you do that for yourself? this would be a good way to practice setting a healthy boundary and following through with the fact that you deserve more.

[hotgurl]

just point blank call her out on this. you can approach it in a kind way that allows her to understand that you've decided against continuing with the friendship.

 

how about - "i know about the gathering and i gave you reasonable chances to be honest with me - i think it's best we don't continue our friendship."

 

that way - you aren't placing judgment on her, just stating that you are unwilling to live with her actions and words.

 

don't allow her to argue the point. it is designed to be a statement - not up for discussion.

 

can you do that for yourself? this would be a good way to practice setting a healthy boundary and following through with the fact that you deserve more.

 

 

why does she have to even call her etc.. Why not just freeze her out. dont return calls etc....

 

BO you friend sounds so junior high. promising to cancel the party , not doing it , lying about it.

[Trialbyfire]

blind otter, the type of friend she was in the past, doesn't make her good friend material. Her past alone, should have shut down your friendship since she's prone to lying.

 

Having said that, what's happening currently, doesn't make sense. Is it the little white lie she told, to save your feelings, that bothers you or is it that she's not allowed to have a life? I'm not certain why she wasn't open with you in the first place, that she would be going. She doesn't owe it to you not to go to a party, being thrown for her.

 

If you want to retain her friendship, just arrange for her and her b/f to come over for dinner. It's no one's fault that you'll be out of town.

[blind_otter]

blind otter, the type of friend she was in the past, doesn't make her good friend material. Her past alone, should have shut down your friendship since she's prone to lying.

 

Having said that, what's happening currently, doesn't make sense. Is it the little white lie she told, to save your feelings, that bothers you or is it that she's not allowed to have a life? I'm not certain why she wasn't open with you in the first place, that she would be going. She doesn't owe it to you not to go to a party, being thrown for her.

 

If you want to retain her friendship, just arrange for her and her b/f to come over for dinner. It's no one's fault that you'll be out of town.

 

The bolded statement is particularly absurd, seeing as how I only see my bestfriend once a week or less. If I were maniacal about controlling her life, I would be pissed off all the time, wouldn't I?

 

I have no problem with her having a life, it's the lie - just because of our past. When we reconciled I made it clear to her that I would not continue the friendship unless she made a pledge to be completely honest with me henceforth. I felt that it was my right to ask this of her, and I gave her nothing less than complete honesty.

 

And in the beginning this was just going to be me having her and her bf over for dinner. Then this other woman butted in and insisted that we have a party at her place instead, on the exact same date I was to have her and her bf over for dinner. So I was a little miffed, but I went with it and offered to help the other woman, because she recently broke her foot and is in a wheelchair.

 

Then the other woman changed the date to a date when I would not be here, and invited her friends, and it became her party instead. Whatever, fine, I don't care. I don't even really like this other woman all that much and I don't really enjoy having to spend time with her.

 

But if it had been me, in my bestfriend's shoes, I would have behaved differently. I would have gone to bat with her regarding the date change. I would have insisted that my best and dearest friend for the past 20 years be present.

 

I guess I just wish I had a friend who cared as much about me, as I do about them.

[Trialbyfire]

Her deceitful behaviour in the past should have told you how she handles herself as a person. In order to have a "friend" like this, you can't expect them to change and suddenly become someone with integrity and honesty. I think it was wrong of her to lie to you. She should have been upfront.

 

Having said that, I still don't believe that anyone owes anyone anything. This should have been about her happiness and the opportunity for everyone to meet her new boyfriend. Why has it become a push/pull about your needs and that she has to stand up for you?

[blind_otter]

Why has it become a push/pull about your needs and that she has to stand up for you?

 

It's about her lying to me. I told her that I would not continue the friendship if she decided that it was OK to lie to me again. She has lied, so I must end the friendship. I was just trying to figure out whether to confront her, or just let the friendship fade away.

 

And ultimately, I think for me it was the fact that she hasn't ever really stood up for me. So I just had an epiphany that it's useless to be friends with people that use you. SO sue me.

[Touche]

I guess I just wish I had a friend who cared as much about me, as I do about them./QUOTE]

 

Well, you're learning that's not likely to ever happen. Your standards are high. I can relate.

 

You either have to lower your standards or be prepared to not have many (if any at all) girlfriends.

 

For my part, it's not worth it. I already have a best friend (H) and I'm lucky to have that much. To have a good girlfriend is too much to hope or wish for.

[Trialbyfire]

It's about her lying to me. I told her that I would not continue the friendship if she decided that it was OK to lie to me again. She has lied, so I must end the friendship. I was just trying to figure out whether to confront her, or just let the friendship fade away.

 

And ultimately, I think for me it was the fact that she hasn't ever really stood up for me. So I just had an epiphany that it's useless to be friends with people that use you. SO sue me.

Yes, I would end friendships based on lies. In this you have every right.

 

As for the current situation, it's not necessarily about the current situation but harboured resentments. She's used you in the past. Can you honestly say that she's using you now?

 

Anyways, either confront her or not. It depends on what will make you happy and that you're aware that if you confront her, there's far less chance of ever mending bridges. On the otherhand, if you've harboured resentments from the past, perhaps it's a good time to get them out and off your chest.

[bean1]

It's ok to "dump" your best friend. It took me 15+ years but my life has improved quite a bit.

[blind_otter]

I guess I just wish I had a friend who cared as much about me, as I do about them.

 

Well, you're learning that's not likely to ever happen. Your standards are high. I can relate.

 

You either have to lower your standards or be prepared to not have many (if any at all) girlfriends.

 

For my part, it's not worth it. I already have a best friend (H) and I'm lucky to have that much. To have a good girlfriend is too much to hope or wish for.

 

I guess it's part of growing up. I always wondered why my mother never had close female friends. She had women that she was friendly with, sure, but no one she called and chatted with or shared her life with.

 

I think that some people are capable of giving themselves in a deep and sincere way, when it comes to friendships or relationships. And I think that other people are really just not capable of that kind of sincerity and depth of feeling, for whatever reason.

 

It's a bummer. I have gotten to the point, and God knows it took 30 years to get here, but I realize that it's just not worth it to extend yourself to people because 99% of the time they just use you and then push you aside and step on your face to get where they think they need to go.

 

Shame on me for giving people second, third, fourth, tenth chances.

 

If it were just one person who'd done this, I probably wouldn't be as bitter. But pretty much every single female I've ever been really close to has done this to me.

[Trialbyfire]

There's sincerity/depth of emotions and then there's codependencies. My close friends and I would take a bullet for each other but we don't own each other.

[Touche]

I guess it's part of growing up. I always wondered why my mother never had close female friends. She had women that she was friendly with, sure, but no one she called and chatted with or shared her life with.

 

I think that some people are capable of giving themselves in a deep and sincere way, when it comes to friendships or relationships. And I think that other people are really just not capable of that kind of sincerity and depth of feeling, for whatever reason.

 

It's a bummer. I have gotten to the point, and God knows it took 30 years to get here, but I realize that it's just not worth it to extend yourself to people because 99% of the time they just use you and then push you aside and step on your face to get where they think they need to go.

 

Shame on me for giving people second, third, fourth, tenth chances.

 

If it were just one person who'd done this, I probably wouldn't be as bitter. But pretty much every single female I've ever been really close to has done this to me.

 

BO, I wouldn't stop extending myself to people, as you say. Just don't have any expectations and you'll be fine. It's a rare person who won't disappoint. You're right about that.

 

I'm sure some of my bitterness in regards to women comes through in some of my posts but I try to not let that attitude control me. I remain open to the possibility of having a good female friend some day but if it doesn't happen, then it doesn't.

 

I wonder if we have expectations that are too high when it comes to friendships with other women? Do you ever wonder if your relationships with your mom and sis has anything to do with that?

 

I've wondered myself since my relationship with my mom and sis has always been volatile.

[blind_otter]

I wonder if we have expectations that are too high when it comes to friendships with other women? Do you ever wonder if your relationships with your mom and sis has anything to do with that?

 

I've wondered myself since my relationship with my mom and sis has always been volatile.

 

Yeah, I often think my expectations from others are too high. I've heard from other people that I am extremely hard on myself, and equally hard on other people. I don't just expect a lot from others, I expect a lot from myself.

 

I also have volatile relationships with my mother and sisters - though I just maintain a rigid emotional distance from my mother, for the most part, and now we get along OK. It's weird though - a horrible, weird, strained sort of communicating. I can't let myself get too close, we would just fight again and it would be worse now that we are both adults.

 

I often wonder, too, if my problems with female friends are related to my issues with my mother and sisters....I spent the better part of my college years being friends with men, who all eventually tried to have sex with me (or actually did have sex with me) - so I've just had bad luck with friends. But is it really bad luck, or bad judgment, or me being pathological and insane?

 

Who knows.

[Touche]

Yeah, I often think my expectations from others are too high. I've heard from other people that I am extremely hard on myself, and equally hard on other people. I don't just expect a lot from others, I expect a lot from myself.

 

I also have volatile relationships with my mother and sisters - though I just maintain a rigid emotional distance from my mother, for the most part, and now we get along OK. It's weird though - a horrible, weird, strained sort of communicating. I can't let myself get too close, we would just fight again and it would be worse now that we are both adults.

 

I often wonder, too, if my problems with female friends are related to my issues with my mother and sisters....I spent the better part of my college years being friends with men, who all eventually tried to have sex with me (or actually did have sex with me) - so I've just had bad luck with friends. But is it really bad luck, or bad judgment, or me being pathological and insane?

 

Who knows.

 

Weird. You described the type of relationship I have to have with my mother at this juncture.

 

It's also interesting that most of my friendships have been with men...gay, straight. But yep, mostly men.

 

Every single time I've allowed myself to get close to a woman I've been let down. So like you, I've just chalked it up to bad luck or maybe that my expectations are too high. As you say...who knows?

 

I've stopped trying to figure it out. I am who I am. And I expect what I expect. As I said, I'm prepared and expect to never have a close g/f. But I'll always remain open to the possibility.

 

You're not pathological or insane...if you are then I am too!

 

It doesn't sound to me at ALL like you expect too much. And you know I'd tell you if I thought otherwise.

 

Personally I would have let my friendship with her go a long time ago. And I've let friends go (one I knew from 4th grade into my 20's) for a lot less than what you've put up with with this one. Oh and the one I let go in my 20's I actually re-connected with a few years ago only to let her go again. She was a user. She didn't change.

[blind_otter]

It's always disappointing when you give someone another chance and they let you down again. But I am, if nothing else, a wretched optimist. Perhaps, even a stupid one. Because I continually open myself up to people and expect the best, and always get the proverbial mason jar shoved up my @ss.

 

Sometimes I do feel very, very alone. I think I may glom onto friends that aren't so great because of that lonliness. I yearn for a meeting of the minds, but am unable to find any minds to meet with.

[Star Gazer]

I'm sorry to hear about this, B_O. I can relate to being betrayed and disappointed by friends.

 

What I think you're failing to understand is that she isn't a friend, period, let alone a "best friend." Perhaps you're attributing "best" to "oldest" friend?

 

And I'm not sure how you can think your standards are too high when she's betrayed you and lied to you.

[Porn_Guy]

......I guess I hope that she will change and stop doing this....

she's not going to change or stop

[blind_otter]

I'm sorry to hear about this, B_O. I can relate to being betrayed and disappointed by friends.

 

What I think you're failing to understand is that she isn't a friend, period, let alone a "best friend." Perhaps you're attributing "best" to "oldest" friend?

 

And I'm not sure how you can think your standards are too high when she's betrayed you and lied to you.

 

Perhaps that is the crux of my issue - not what she has done to me but why I have allowed the opportunity to exist for it to be done?

 

I mean, I don't want to make this 2 dimensional. We had good times. Great times, even. But then again, I should know this intimately as I am involved with an alcoholic. Just because there are good times doesn't make the relationship good.

[Touche]

Perhaps that is the crux of my issue - not what she has done to me but why I have allowed the opportunity to exist for it to be done?

 

Bingo! I mean she showed you her true colors early on, right?

 

I would try to cultivate some new friendships..what about the mom groups? Are they all bad? (Look who's talking...I never related to those moms either!)

 

It's funny because my neighbor is very obviously interested in more of a friendship with me than we now have. I just don't want to get too close since we live right next door. Also she has 3 small children (and one teen) and we can rarely get together without them (well, never really) and they destroy my house and make me crazy after awhile.

 

We don't have that much in common anyway. But she's a nice woman.

 

Ugh...it's tough. You know they say if you can count on ONE hand your really close friends in a life time, consider yourself lucky. And what some people call really close friends are just acquaintances in my book. So there again we get back to standards.