Please help me to win my soul mate back!!

[nobandaid]

I know that this is a very long post but please, please hear me out and read it because I am in desperate need of some helpful, reassuring advice.

 

 

My boyfriend and I of 2 and a half years broke up over 1 month ago. I broke up with him because all of my friends were single and I felt I was "missing out" or something of the like. A week after the split I was deeply regretting my decision. I was not with any guys during this week and that is true to this day. I knew that I wanted to be with him and nobody else after having a taste of life without him, and I was sorry for ever breaking up but I guess it takes a testing situation like this to realise your true feelings for someone and desire to be with them forever - something that I am now positive of.

 

 

So I met up with him after a week of occasional talking and he tells me that I have broken his heart, wrecked his life and that he is seeing a psychologist because of what I have "done to him." He says that he is on valium so that he doesn't harm himself because of the pain that I have caused him. He yells at me and tells me he doesn't ever want to see me again, until he is over me, and then perhaps we can be friends. He tells me not to call him or come around to his house because he doesn't want to see me or speak to me. I cry my eyes out to him and keep repeating what a mistake I had made and how much I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. He tells me that now I can feel the pain that he has felt for so long and that it is over.

 

 

He is the subject of my every thought. I decide that he is too angry to reason with and that he will come around when it is time. Three weeks later I have heard nothing from him, so I decide to call him. I called him last week and he didn't answer my call so I left a voicemail on his phone asking how he was and if he would like to catch up for coffee. He didn't return my call but instead wrote me a text message saying : "Don't act so bloody casual... Don't think it doesn't break my heart every time I see you driving your car...I miss you so much...obviously you are over me now, whether it is because of being with other guys or whatever you do...I am not ready to be friends with you, it's too hard...Goodbye and goodluck." I wrote back this message straight away : "The facts are these baby. I love you with all my heart, I miss you dearly and would do anything to have you back in my life and have things back to the way they were between us. The reason I was so casual in the message is because I was afraid of rejection from you if I told you my true feelings." He then wrote back that just because he said he missed me didn't mean he wanted to get back together and that there was no chance that "we could work" anymore and that "all relationships end in heartbreak" and he couldn't let himself be hurt anymore.

 

 

The next night I saw him at a nightclub and he came up to me and stood there without saying anything. I leant over to kiss him on the cheek and he pulled away and said "I am not ready to be friends with you." I replied with "Well, in that case, I am not ready to be friends with you either." He exploded, screaming "what the hell has changed between last night and now?" I was very confused - was he playing mind games or something. I told him that he should be relieved that the feeling is mutual about friendship and that I am not breaking down in tears in front of him again. He continued to yell at me and tell me how much I have "screwed him up" so I turn to walk away. He swears, tells me f^&%%$# fine then, knocks my beer into my chest (which spills everywhere) and storms out of the nightclub. I followed him outside and attempted to call him back as he walked off down the street, swearing and screaming out f%$# this, punching shop windows and kicking bins, yelling out my name. (Turns out that he broke his hand doing so, which he has now attempted to blame on me.)

 

So yes, I am extremely confused about what he wants. I have messaged him several times since that evening, telling him how my life is nothing without him in it and I am sorry for the pain that I have caused him but we are meant to be together and he only replies with messages that say things like "stop messaging me, it's too hard...just because we can't be together doesn't mean I don't care about you...if I talk to you I will cry..." etc etc. I can't work it out. If it is so hard for both of us then why aren't we together. I try to call him to talk things over but he won't answer my calls and writes me messages saying if he hears my voice he will cry.

 

So on Saturday I drove to his house and messaged him to come out the front. To my complete surprise, he came out and we talked. I broke down in tears and told him how much I care about him, love him and will never hurt him again. I stood there hugging him and he stood there motionless, completely unemotional. He says he is not taking the valium anymore, so that can't be the reason for him distancing himself. He told me that he doesn't want to have to care about or love anyone else because it only ends up in disaster and heartbreak. He said he doesn't want me anymore but he doesn't want anyone else either, ever. He said that love is like being stranded in a boat in the middle of the ocean, with somebody else controlling the weather. He wants to be in control of his own life and when he lets himself go and lets himself love me then he is out of control. He also said that he only wants to care about himself and no matter what I say or how I hard I try to beg him back he won't come back.

 

Please help me, I don't know what to do anymore. I haven't called him the last couple of days but my life is nothing without him in it. I am trying to do things to keep busy - I work 3 days a week and go to uni the other days. But he is still the first thing I think of when I wake up (If i actually fall asleep at all) and is on my mind all day long.

 

Should I wait for him to come back/call me? Do you think he will come back or should I move on with my life now? I am desperate to get him back because I know he is the one and we always used to discuss our future together, like marriage and kids and I want to marry him in a few years. What should I do? Thanks in advance. By the way I know this is a really long post but I just can't shorten it any more.

[moimeme]

It sounds like he has some issues which were triggered by your leaving him. It's good he's seeing a therapist because he is lacking the ability to work through the situation on his own.

 

There are things we can do which change our lives forever which is why we need to consider possible implications very carefully because some situations cannot be repaired, once broken.

 

I suspect when he said "I am not ready to be friends with you" that he wanted you to say 'I don't want to be friends, I love you and want you back' but he couldn't bring himself to say anything different than what he said. When you didn't, to him it was a further rejection.

 

Another man might have been able to process the situation better and could possibly have taken you back but I think this fellow is unlikely to come around.

[nobandaid]

Thank you for your reply, I appreciate it.

 

A few points :

 

He is no longer seeing a therapist - I don't know why. I wanted to suggest that we should see one together but seeing as he won't have anything to do with me and doesn't show any desire to repair the relationship then I doubt that he would warm to this idea.

 

When he approached me in the club and told me he couldn't be my friend, he meant just that and nothing else. Less than 24 hours before that, I was messaging him and calling him, sobbing to his voicemail that I wanted him back and he wouldn't take me. The reason that I didn't say this to him again in the club was because I know that he would have simply repeated himself and I would have therefore gotten worked up and made myself very upset.

 

I know that he misses me and what we had but I just can't understand why he is holding back. I get the feeling that maybe he wants me to sweat it out and run back to him for awhile before he decides what he whole heartedly wants. His performance in the club gave me this idea but I don't know what to think.

 

He used to beg me not to go anywhere if we ever broke up because "his body would feel too far away from mine." We had such a connection. Even to this day I can predict where he will be almost every hour of the day (he does not have a job or other routine.) I know I am about to drive past him on the street because I get a really sick, panicky feeling seconds before I see him. It is freaky. I totally believe that he is my soul mate.

 

I might mention also that we have broken up once before, about a year ago. He broke up with me and yet again told me that he didn't want to have to care about anyone else blah blah. I turned up on his doorstep a few days after he said this and he stood there emotionless (like saturday) and told me that he didn't love me. He asked me to go away and when I said that I wouldn't he told me he would call the police. So I left, and vowed never to speak to him again. A week later he called me and we were back together within a couple of weeks.

 

But it has been like a month now and he hasn't called me at all. I don't know if this is just a bigger scale of the same situation or what. I don't, and nobody that I have described the situation to believes that this is "irrepairable" however I don't know what to so next. I can't sleep and when I do I only dream about him and that we are back together and then when I wake up, reality hits and it is just awful.

 

I know he feels the same as I do because he used to tell me every day that he wanted to marry me and be with me for the rest of his life. I'm so lost.

[moimeme]

I turned up on his doorstep a few days after he said this and he stood there emotionless (like saturday) and told me that he didn't love me.

 

Sure looks to me like his methods of communication leave something to be desired. My two-cent analysis is that he feels one thing but is acting out of his head; doing what he believes he should do rather than what he wants.

So he stands emotionless; clearly he must not have been emotionless else he wouldn't have asked you back. He didn't allow himself to show his emotions.

 

It is too bad he quit seeing the therapist. Someone posted earlier today that women are complicated, but men are no less so; often more because men's insecurities seem to translate into a number of behaviours that women's insecurities don't. Women know it's ok to be hurt, distressed, vulnerable, feel unworthy, etc. Men feel less 'manly' if they are in emotional turmoil so they have another layer of issues to get through in these instances.

 

Can he do it without help, or even at all? Doesn't sound good.

[befuddled1]

My first question is....what ages are you both?

 

Have either of you been in serious relationships prior to your relationship?

 

He has no job? Why is that? Isn't that sort of weird? How does he support himself?

 

Based on all you've written, and the things he's said and written and done, I'd say he's disturbed. I'd say he's mean and vengeful and he's playing games with you, to hurt you the way he perceives you hurt him. You, however, ended things honorably, because you were following your heart...........your intention was not to be cruel or crush him, but you were being honest. He, on the other hand, is being very cruel and mean and deranged. He knows how sorry you are, he knows how you miss him and want him back in your life, he knows you feel you made a mistake in breaking up, and by george he's going to make you pay. And that he's doing.

 

Mature, stable human beings don't go out of their way to make someone "pay"........this guy doesn't seem like he's all that stable at all.

 

The things he says to you and texts you, don't jive with his lack of emotion and actions.

 

His yelling and swearing at you, and pushing your drink at you at the club, was the sign of a guy who's not in control. Sure, some of that could have been fueled by booze, but still......he sounds like a loose cannon whose world revolved totally around you (which isn't healthy) and he feels you screwed him over and he will make you suffer and pay.

 

Does this sound like someone you want to have in your life? Does this sound like someone you would one day want to marry? Does this sound like someone who's mature enough to handle disappointments and things not going his way?

 

I also find it a little alarming that he would rush out to see a psychologist for what you "did to him" (!!!), and requiring Valium (if that's even true, or perhaps that's just drama to make you feel worse). He's extremely melodramatic, even to the point of being histrionic. And on top of that, he doesn't even hold down a job. Scary. Doesn't exactly sound like a great, stable catch to me.

 

My advice would be to leave him alone. No calls, no text messages, no emails, avoid going to places you know he'll be (particularly the same clubs and social places).......he sounds like a time-bomb waiting to go off. I don't mean to scare you, but this need to make you feel "his pain" concerns me.........is he one of those guys who will pull out a gun at a club and shoot you, because of what you've done to him, and he doesnt want anyone to have you? I have really bad feelings about this dude. Stay away from him, for your own safety.

 

Perhaps breaking up with him was a very good thing...because now you're seeing a very real side of him that's a great concern...something you might not have seen otherwise.

[nobandaid]

Firstly, thank you to both of you for your immensly helpful and thoughtful replies. I feel so much better already and to think that I thought my whole world was ending when I first started this thread a few hours ago!

 

I didn't want to write our ages at first because I assumed that readers may just write off my experience and feelings as "puppy love" or something equally meaningless, which it definitely is not. I am 19 and he is 18 years of age, turning 19 in under a month.

 

Neither of us have been in a serious relationship before the one that we shared. My longest was 3 months and his 2 months.

 

He did hold two jobs whilst we were together - a day job and a night job. However when I broke up with him he quit both of his jobs because he could not handle "facing" work or other people. I can understand this to a degree but I do not know where I would be if I didn't have something to occupy my day - most likely I would sit at home and cry on my bed. Who knows, perhaps this is what he does - but I doubt it - he is too angry for that. He tells me that if he hears my voice he will cry yet we were centimetres apart on Saturday and he didn't shed a tear. Oh...so confusing!!

 

Somebody once told me that being able to cry real tears again is a sign of healing.

 

I believe this to an extent. I believe that I am getting over my anger towards him and am now sad, recalling only the great times we had together, missing him more than ever. It hurts to think that he is probably recalling only our bad times (which were very rare); I can't remember any at the moment no matter how hard I try.

 

Although it may seem easy for me to turn my back and walk away easily from the unknown "qualities" I am now able to see in him, it is so hard. I guess love prepares you for anything - is an excuse for putting up with anything. It may blind or shield one from the real truth. I don't know.. I told myself (as did my friends and family) after the scene at the club that I didn't want to be around someone like that - why bother with a violent, angry person? That lasted about a day then I forgot all the bad stuff and started missing all the good things about him like crazy.

 

Yes, he really was/is? on valium... i saw the container on his bedside table one day the last time I was there a few weeks ago. I don't know if he was actually taking it at the time but I did see it. Also, you drew my attention to an interesting point. Alcohol probably did play a rather significant part during the club incident - he was always really bad at handling alcohol but never seemed to learn this.

 

Maybe I should write down in detail all of his bad points and all his annoying habits and then photocopy the page(s) and stick them all over my room??!!!

hahaha how evil!

 

I would really really love to receive some more input and comments from ppl reading these forums because I know, from reading so many other posts, that there are so many knowledgable people out there that offer great advice. The advice and comments above have honestly helped me, but I believe that everybody has a different side of the story to comment on.

[befuddled1]

Hi there, good to hear back from you!

 

First of all, I would question any doctor who would prescribe something as potent and addictive as Valium to an 18 year old guy who's gone through a relationship breakup. That it itself is scary. People need to work through their disappointments and struggles, not use pills to cope.....plus the potential for someone distraught to overdose on tranquilizers such as these. What an idiot of a doctor!!

 

The fact that he's quit 2 jobs "because of you" (the breakup), that is scary...... I can't imagine too many guys that age doing such a thing. Sounds like he really 'snapped' or he loves the drama and is really trying to make you pay.

 

Don't ever feel badly for having decided to breakup with him. At the age of 19, it's very natural to want to enjoy being single...particularly when your friends are all single. A person is still finding their way at age 19, probably up until their mid twenties, even. I hope you're not beating yourself up over this.

 

This guy sounds very controlling and angry. He lost 'control' when you ended things with him.....and now he's struggling to regain control, and in doing so, he's screwing with you and purposely hurting you. That is not at all what true love is about. That is not even what friendship is about.

 

During the time you were together, did you ever notice any 'off signs' from him, that maybe he was too focused on you? Obsessed with you? Possessive? Controlling? Did he try to isolate you from family and friends? Did he ever falsely accuse you of cheating or talking to other guys?

 

Either he's a great actor, or else there's some mental health issues going on here that were there all along and they only really surfaced with the breakup. Does he have a history of mental illness in his family? Mom or Dad? siblings?

 

I remember very clearly, back when I was 19.......dating my first real boyfriend. We began dating at 18 and things ended when I was 20. This relationship was not a good one....but I was young and naive and I had no other relationship to compare it to, so I felt his mindgames and attempts to control me were "normal." This relationship became the foundation for future relationships......and I think it set me up for a future of relationships in which I was mistreated but subconsciously didn't feel I deserved any better.

 

My guy then (I'm in my 30s now) had a raging temper, he wanted everything to be his way, he was verbally and emotionally abusive and he was just downright cruel to me. He was very dramatic and obnoxious and inconsiderate. He thrived on making me "beg him" to stay with me........I could write a book on how badly he treated me....but the point is, I often wonder.....if I'd realized how toxic he was to me then, and I'd had the courage to stand up to him and tell him to get lost........would that have had an impact on my future relationships?

 

So what I'm saying is........be very careful here. Not all guys are like your ex. His behavior is not at all normal or rational. Yes, you have good memories and you had good times and he does have good qualities, but the side of him you're seeing now is something you should be thankful for.........that you're seeing it now. Hell, everyone has good qualities, i'm sure even serial killers have good qualities.

 

Never tolerate anyone showing their anger toward you like he has done. Never put up with another human being cursing and yelling at you. It is unacceptable and nothing you could say or do will justify this kind of mistreatment.

 

Find yourself a counsellor or therapist, or go to your local Battered Women's Shelter........because the way he's treating you is abusive. You need to talk to someone face to face who's been where you are.........because the patterns you develop now will follow you for life........and if you allow a guy, at your young age, to belittle you and humiliate you and disrespect you and be cruel to you, you will likely accept that kind of mistreatment for the rest of your life..........and I don't want to see that for you. Learn from my mistakes.

[moimeme]

puppy love

 

Not that but inexperienced at dealing with relationships. You say this was the first serious relationship for you both. This is not how relationships are supposed to be conducted.

 

I guess love prepares you for anything - is an excuse for putting up with anything.

 

We use it as an excuse but real love grows rather than diminishes one.

 

It may blind or shield one from the real truth.

 

It may not be 'love' per se that does it, but the state we are in when we are 'in love' certainly does not make us receptive to accepting information which indicates that our partners are less than desirable to have as partners.

[jasonb8060]

When you first replied to mine i did question your age etc in my mind but felt it as irrelavant because you seemed to understand my predicament. I realise now that this is because yours is virtually the same as my own. Both other halves seem to be acting from the mind not the heart. However i do think that out of the two of us you will have the happier ending, you would probably find that given the way he is feeling and his weakend state that he is listnening to his friends and they are telling him to sever all ties with you to move on. I say this because it is what most of my friends are saying to me and to an extent your bf and I are in the same boat.

I think when he becomes more confident again and begins seeing things more clearly you will have your soulmate back though things wont be the same for a while and at a guess i would say it would be you that would suffer but if you can endure love then you should be fine. Atleast thats my opinion.

In reply to what you said about how i was coping, having now read your story, i would say that you are doing far better than i will as i am very doubtful i will still be as strong after a month but maybe by talking to you i can be??

Its strange isnt it, you two were probably like Pip and I were in that every1 used to use us as thier example of a success. Iv had so many people come up to me and express doubts in thier long-distance relationships in light of Pippa and I's hiccup shall we say. THis is a good thing i would say and it is why I still hold hope for both our relationships.

[nobandaid]

I awoke this morning to a beautiful day outside and three new, inspiring replies to my "plea for help." Thank you to all who have posted messages - you have no idea how reassuring it is just to have someone else there who understands you and can 'relate' to the situation at hand.

 

My brother had organised to go for coffee with D today. He was going to try and persuade him to think things over and give me another chance. However, overnight I changed my mind about this and thought that it would not be a very wise move on my behalf. D will probably just get a big head from all the attention because now my family is beginning to get involved in the situation and it seems everybody is running after him to try and make him return to me.

 

I don't know. Maybe he needs time to miss me - a lot of time - maybe I don't even want to go back to that. But what I do know is that I miss him dearly. Every red car that drives past catches my eye - I peer inside to see if it is him - it never is. Every restaurant brings back memories (we used to eat out a lot) and every song on the radio, happy or sad, I somehow manage to relate to "us."

 

I guess it's so hard at the moment because it felt like we "broke up" all over again on Saturday. Befuddled1 you are right, I should and will steer clear from all places that he is going to be because not only will it upset me to see him but it only re-opens the healing wounds whenever I see his face. Weeks ago I put everything that reminded me of him in a shoebox and sealed it with layers and layers of tape. That helped a lot I found... having no photos lying around of him did me a favour - I wasn't constantly reminded of him wherever I looked.

 

To tell the honest truth I don't know if he will ever come back to me. I doubt it very much in fact. But I do know that if he does, he will take his time in doing so and perhaps by then I won't want him back because of all the pain and suffering he is intentionally causing me at the moment.

 

Stick in there Jason. And thank you for your message. It certainly cheered me up. I will be online a fair bit over the coming weeks so helping each other through this sounds like a plan. Keep me posted on any updates.

[Jasonb8060]

Yeah, i think i may have had a lil hiccup 2day when i thought it would be a good idea to txt her best friend (a guy who i got along with best out of her friends) to see how she has been doing etc. The trouble is that he hasn't yet txt back and im worried that he will tell her im enquiring. Allthough it shows that i care & im tryin to avoid calling her, i know what she's like and she will find it wierd me tlking to her friends. I don't know.

I definitely think that the box idea is good i did that straight away when we broke up though admitedly i did keep a couple in my wallet. Stay optomistic i need to elieve that reconciliation is possible and ur situation is the most similar. Kepp us all posted. J

[nobandaid]

Hi all,

 

So sorry I haven't posted the last few days - I have been extremely busy (this is a good thing as I haven't had a lot of time to sit and ponder).

 

Firstly, thank you for all of your replies. I sincerely believe that the encouragement and help that I have received on these boards has played a major part in my ability to cope with the whole break up situation. I will not deny it though - it has been tough and I don't doubt that it will continue to be for a long time.

 

Finally I am starting to have "good" days again. I still miss D incredibly of course but I have realised that there are still so many things to look forward to each and every day.

 

A couple of things have happened over the past week however that have set me back/confused me a bit. Firstly, my brother did decide to go for coffee with D on Monday after all. I didn't really have a say in this because they were close friends throughout our relationship. My hopes also rose when my brother said he would put in a good word for me. So they meet up and talk for over an hour. My bro returns home and tells me that he tried his best to make D realise how much I love him and want him back and realise the potential of our relationship. He says that there is no hope for the time being - that D sat there the whole time with his cap tilted down, shadowing his face, smoking cigarette after cigarette. (Might

[nobandaid]

Hi all,

 

So sorry I haven't posted the last few days - I have been extremely busy (this is a good thing as I haven't had a lot of time to sit and ponder).

 

Firstly, thank you for all of your replies. I sincerely believe that the encouragement and help that I have received on these boards has played a major part in my ability to cope with the whole break up situation. I will not deny it though - it has been tough and I don't doubt that it will continue to be for a long time.

 

Finally I am starting to have "good" days again. I still miss D incredibly of course but I have realised that there are still so many things to look forward to each and every day.

 

A couple of things have happened over the past week however that have set me back/confused me a bit. Firstly, my brother did decide to go for coffee with D on Monday after all. I didn't really have a say in this because they were close friends throughout our relationship. My hopes also rose when my brother said he would put in a good word for me. So they meet up and talk for over an hour. My bro returns home and tells me that he tried his best to make D realise how much I love him and want him back and realise the potential of our relationship. He says that there is no hope for the time being - that D sat there the whole time with his cap tilted down, shadowing his face, smoking cigarette after cigarette. (Might I add that he was very very against smoking of any kind whilst we were going out and whilst his friends were smoking weed every day he APPARENTLY didn't touch it.) Anyway, so D tells my bro that he wants to be alone for a while and that he doesn't want anyone "telling him what to do" anymore. That is ridiculous - obviously the friends have gotten into his head. D then proceeds to tell my brother that there is no way that this could work out because I "cheated on him too many times..." Oh my god!!! I never ever looked at, let alone touched another guy. I can't believe that he would make up such a thing. He is obviously feeling very insecure about the break-up if he has to make up such ridiculous excuses for not wanting it anymore!! My bro concludes that, by the looks of it, he believes D is taking a combination of marijuana and valium, or one or the other. But that something is definitely up with him and that he is "just not THERE, not the same guy anymore."

 

So I was pretty upset on Monday night, cause it freshened everything up and opened the wounds again, but I realised, after laying in bed for hours, listening to sad songs, that everything had eventually come to a "head." My heart was hurting mainly because I no longer know where the boy is that I fell in love with. This distant, ugly thing has reared it's head and he I know that he is in there somewhere, but will he ever come out again......??

 

Anyway, so I decided to go out with a few girlfriends on Thursday night. I wanted to go somewhere different, but they were keen to go to a certain club that both D and I used to hang out at when we were going out. I didn't want to go at first but then I thought "what the heck, I can't avoid him forever." So we got a few girls together and went to the club. One of the first ppl I saw when I walked in was one of D's best mates, S. Nothing was said, as we no longer get along, because he now dislikes me for what I "did to D." I instantly assumed that D would be there. Anyway, I dismissed the thought and was determined to have a good time nevertheless. We met up with a few guy friends and hung out for a bit. We decided to explore the club, see what other friends were there. So we walked into the other room, and all of D's friends were standing around. To my surprise (and relief), however, D was not there.

 

A few of us then decided to have a boogie on the dance floor. (We had been there for probably a bit over an hour at this stage.) So we were dancing away and ten minutes later who do I spot dancing a few metres away with all the friends - D! I couldn't believe it - he wasn't anywhere in the club before this: obviously the friends had called him and told him I was there. The usual sick, dizzy feeling accumulated in my chest and legs - the same feeling that I get every time I see him on the street or in his car etc. I left the dance floor and went to talk to a few of my friends. On my way over to them, I bumped into my sister's best friend, A. So I was standing there talking to him (D has met him numerous times and is quite good mates with him) and out of the corner of my eye I see D marching over, shoulders arched, chest stuck out. He approaches us and glares at A - I think for a second that D is going to punch him in the face. D then turns to me (once again ignoring his friend who is standing behind him trying to pull him away) and says in an angry, agressive tone "What are you doing?" I go "what do you mean?" And D then yells "You think you can just go and pick up anyone that you fu#*ing want!!??" He has got to be joking!!! So I say back to him, after turning away from A to save unnecessary humiliation, "Number 1, A is my sister's best friend, you are well aware of that... and number 2, we are OVER D, stay away from me, I am not going to argue with you anymore, and it is no longer any of your business who I associate with." D then explodes, grabbing the gold chain that he wears around his neck everyday (a present that I gave to him for his 17th birthday) and trying to rip it off, whilst shouting "Doesn't this mean anything to you anymore?? Don't I mean anything to you??" (I'll add now that he always told me that he wouldn't take the chain off until he no longer loved me - however he had taken the chain off the first week that we broke up - but he is now wearing it again????) I said "Of course you do D.." He then turned away and stormed out of the club (once again). We were standing right next to the entrance. The mate called after him but didn't follow him out (great mate - not).

 

Anyway I didn't follow him out either but instead turned back to bewildered A and apologised for the drama. A couple of minutes later I received a text message on my mobile phone : "Be with whoever you want, you are your own person now. But never say sorry for hurting me. Never." I wrote back "what are you talking about?" And he then writes back "Don't worry about it, you will never understand. You are drunk." That was certainly bull!! I had had a couple of drinks, yes, but I knew very well what I was saying and doing. Anyway I ignored the message and five minutes later another one came through from him : "You will never know how much I care about you until I hang myself to prove it."

 

Geez - what the hell do I make of this???? He was the one who wouldn't take me back... does he now want me or something - how confusing. I wrote a message back saying "It was your call D." He then writes back "You think you have been through a lot. You never know pain till you have been through what I am going through. I know you have been with someone." So obviously it is all about D hey?? How pathetic. I was so angry - how could he be so selfish. I was also terrified - was he laying dead in a gutter somewhere because of me??? So I wrote him a message saying this : "D if you wish to talk to me in person then you are welcome to come to my house tomorrow and do so. Where are you anyway?" He doesn't write back so half an hour later I walk outside and call him with my number blocked. His brother answers so I hang up. Do you think that now I have expressed panic about his suicidal message he now believes that he has the "upper hand" and control again?????

 

I don't know what to make of it. It's now Sunday and I haven't heard anything from him. I had a good weekend though - the weather was beautiful and I went to the horse races and had a fun day flirting with cute boys and drinking champagne in the sun!! I am by no means over him but I will say that today was the first day in two and a half years when he wasn't the first thing on my mind when I woke up in the morning. I didn't realise this until a couple of hours after I woke up. I was driving along when I realised and then about 2 seconds later a red car exactly the same as his drives past!!! Weird! (It wasn't him.)

 

I did see him today though, later in the afternoon, driving in his car. He only revs the engine and speeds past. So sad. Then a couple of minutes later his friend )who was in the car with him) walks past the coffee shop that I am sitting outside, with his arm around a girl, obviously his new gf. (He broke up with his gf of over a year a few weeks ago.) I expected D to also walk past with some new chick but no sign of him. A good thing I guess. Anyway any opinions on the situation would be appreciated!!!! This is ridiculous - i know.

 

Thanks to all.