What happens when your 20 year old is now 30?

[Jersey Shortie]

To be really truthful with you, the only thing I look forward to now is dying. I've seen and done all the things I set out to do, reared my children well

 

Hey Soserious, do you know who Paula Dean is? Famous cook...happy, pretty older gray fat lady....Do you know that she use to be an agoraphobic (however its spelled). She got divorced and her sons would leave the house to sell her sandwiches and she never wanted to leave it for awhile. And how look at her. Remarried to a man that obviously loves her..found the love of her life in her later years. Has two very nice handsome sons that love their mother and her own show... Please check out hte backround story on her.

[DMoon]

To be really truthful with you, the only thing I look forward to now is dying. I've seen and done all the things I set out to do, reared my children well.The thought of a long,slow slide into decline and inabilty to care for self holds no appeal to me. I've already got advance directives, if I'm in an accident,have a serious heart attack or cannot speak for myself and need any sort of life support I am officially DNR. I've spent 1/2 century busting rump,there won't be any skilled care nursing home or meals on wheels, diaper wearing fragile grannie lifestyle happening

here.

 

I do suggest that therapy would help. That kind of fatalism is a walking death sentence. As noted before, you have been abused and need help through this morass, but there is still more that you can explore now that you are unencumbered by the demands of children or a man.

 

Of course the prospect of loneliness is frightening and I do understand how being a middle aged women may render one invisible by others, but it is also the same for disabled or unlovely women. Those women, the Belle Laides had to construct their lives without the validation of men. Naturally, there is a double standard that will never change and that is a man can renew themselves no matter what age they are, whereas women have to accept with fateful grace, the fast drum of biology and their invisibility as the mark of a distasteful pariah. Still, as modern women you are free to make changes and have enormous power. Sure the venom that is spewed to older women is supposed to be instructive and a means of just being honest and realistic and stating facts, but it’s just a bludgeoned. Ignore the abuse and define your own life, don't let others do it to you again.

[angie2443]

Naturally, there is a double standard that will never change and that is a man can renew themselves no matter what age they are, whereas women have to accept with fateful grace, the fast drum of biology and their invisibility as the mark of a distasteful pariah..

 

I don't understand this fantasy that men can constantly renew themselves. I suppose you mean by always bieng able to reproduce, but most older men don't and as noted before, there are biological problems that can crop up when older men do decide to reproduce.

 

Men get old also. They age, slow down and eventually die. No one gets to escape that.

 

I think the women here would do themselves a favor and just ignore these men who get some sort of enjoyment in bashing women. There are far better ways to spend your time then to listen to the constand banter of women's only worth bieng their fertility.

[soserious1]

I do suggest that therapy would help. That kind of fatalism is a walking death sentence. As noted before, you have been abused and need help through this morass, but there is still more that you can explore now that you are unencumbered by the demands of children or a man.

 

Of course the prospect of loneliness is frightening and I do understand how being a middle aged women may render one invisible by others, but it is also the same for disabled or unlovely women. Those women, the Belle Laides had to construct their lives without the validation of men. Naturally, there is a double standard that will never change and that is a man can renew themselves no matter what age they are, whereas women have to accept with fateful grace, the fast drum of biology and their invisibility as the mark of a distasteful pariah. Still, as modern women you are free to make changes and have enormous power. Sure the venom that is spewed to older women is supposed to be instructive and a means of just being honest and realistic and stating facts, but it’s just a bludgeoned. Ignore the abuse and define your own life, don't let others do it to you again.

 

 

 

I'm not interested in therapy and I'm not interested in the Belle Laides or other so called "ïnspiring stories" I didn't have a choice as to when/how my life started but I know this, I've conducted my life quietly, with dignity and respect. I will retain the right to decide when the quality of my life no longer meets with those same standards. Being parked in some nursing home or worse imposing on an adult offspring who's praying for me to hurry up and die to diaper me is NOT my idea of a life ending with dignity.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm not interested in therapy and I'm not interested in the Belle Laides or other so called "ïnspiring stories" I didn't have a choice as to when/how my life started but I know this, I've conducted my life quietly, with dignity and respect. I will retain the right to decide when the quality of my life no longer meets with those same standards. Being parked in some nursing home or worse imposing on an adult offspring who's praying for me to hurry up and die to diaper me is NOT my idea of a life ending with dignity.

Living life quietly, with dignity and respect is a good thing. So what's changed that you would give up on it now? Are you going to allow one useless, toxic individual like your ex, take you down? In order for you to view yourself as a worthwhile individual with a worthwhile life, do you NEED a lot of external male validation to prove you're someone?

[soserious1]

Living life quietly, with dignity and respect is a good thing. So what's changed that you would give up on it now? Are you going to allow one useless, toxic individual like your ex, take you down? In order for you to view yourself as a worthwhile individual with a worthwhile life, do you NEED a lot of external male validation to prove you're someone?

 

No I don't actually but in thinking things over the past few months I've come to

understand that I've reared my children well into adulthood, I've traveled fairly extensively, had various hobbies, pets, a wonderful career, it's been a fairly good life by any any measure. Now though, there's really not much that I wish to see or do, I'm not interested in dating again or getting to know new people.

 

In short,there's nothing really that seems worth the effort to bother doing for me. I'll paddle along quietly living but why should I lie and say that I won't welcome and embrace death should I be lucky enough to go early rather than prolong things?

[Trialbyfire]

No I don't actually but in thinking things over the past few months I've come to

understand that I've reared my children well into adulthood, I've traveled fairly extensively, had various hobbies, pets, a wonderful career, it's been a fairly good life by any any measure. Now though, there's really not much that I wish to see or do, I'm not interested in dating again or getting to know new people.

 

In short,there's nothing really that seems worth the effort to bother doing for me. I'll paddle along quietly living but why should I lie and say that I won't welcome and embrace death should I be lucky enough to go early rather than prolong things?

Everything you state, attitudes about the opposite sex, attitudes about life, scream depression to me. You've essentially rolled over and are staring at the wall.

 

I'm not suggesting that you lie. I'm suggesting that either you pull up your socks or if you can't, get some professional help to get you to the point where life's worth living again. I think you're already lying to yourself that this is it. Stop defining life as only worthwhile, if someone of the opposite gender views you as worthwhile.

[DMoon]

I'm not interested in therapy and I'm not interested in the Belle Laides or other so called "ïnspiring stories" I didn't have a choice as to when/how my life started but I know this, I've conducted my life quietly, with dignity and respect. I will retain the right to decide when the quality of my life no longer meets with those same standards. Being parked in some nursing home or worse imposing on an adult offspring who's praying for me to hurry up and die to diaper me is NOT my idea of a life ending with dignity.

 

So noted. My post was not meant to be placating, condescending or soft psychological babble, but you did react to a toxic post about aging:

 

I hope you never grow old enough to experience

first hand the kind of venom you're dishing out.. trust me, it hurts. If my ex had beaten me badly enough to hospitalise me it would have been better than what he did to me emotionally

.

 

this means to me that you still cared what men think. If you didn't care and your life was in order due to living with dignity and respect which is of course admirable in an of itself, then what men have said here and what you have observed in the real world, would have no effect on you. There is a difference between soul crushing resignation as opposed to being optimistic yet pragmatic.

[angie2443]

Everything you state, attitudes about the opposite sex, attitudes about life, scream depression to me. You've essentially rolled over and are staring at the wall.

 

I'm not suggesting that you lie. I'm suggesting that either you pull up your socks or if you can't, get some professional help to get you to the point where life's worth living again. I think you're already lying to yourself that this is it. Stop defining life as only worthwhile, if someone of the opposite gender views you as worthwhile.

 

I agree.

 

soserious1, I think getting professional help could pull you through this. You sound misserable and life is just to short to be so unhappy all the time.

[samspade]

Now though, there's really not much that I wish to see or do, I'm not interested in dating again or getting to know new people.

 

In short,there's nothing really that seems worth the effort to bother doing for me. I'll paddle along quietly living but why should I lie and say that I won't welcome and embrace death should I be lucky enough to go early rather than prolong things?

 

You still have a lot to live for. You do sound depressed. And what, you've traveled extensively....to every country? Every US state? Come on, sweetheart, there are still places for you to go. Perhaps a change of scenery and some new people in your life would do you some good.

[LovieDove24]

Maybe its naive of me, but I prefer to believe that this is not the case. I don't really believe in my heart that all men are looking for the next hot young thing. Just like women get stereotyped as wanting a man with riches, that is very untrue especially in my case. I'd actually prefer to be with a blue collared worker who puts value on family over money any day. Just like I'm sure many men would rather have a reasonably attractive 40 year old with a good head on her shoulders, and similar life experience than a flaky 20 something who is still figuring herself out.

[clv0116]

I'd actually prefer to be with a blue collared worker who puts value on family over money any day. Just like I'm sure many men would rather have a reasonably attractive 40 year old with a good head on her shoulders, and similar life experience than a flaky 20 something who is still figuring herself out.

 

The problem with those stereotypes is that they're no more valid than any other stereotype.

[samspade]

Just like I'm sure many men would rather have a reasonably attractive 40 year old with a good head on her shoulders, and similar life experience than a flaky 20 something who is still figuring herself out.

 

I would!

 

I would also rather have an attractive 20 year old with a good head on her shoulders and similar life experience than a flaky 40 something who is still figuring herself out.

 

Simply put, I'll go by character first, then age.

 

I DO agree that a LTR is less likely with someone 25 and younger, for me, mainly because girls at that age are immature and living much different lifestyles. There are exceptions to everything, of course. But I'm not always looking for something serious, so I've had flings with younger girls without getting serious. As long as no one is leading anyone on, there's no harm in it, and it can be fun. In fact, my 30-year-old female friend did the same thing with a 21-year-old college boy recently, and she had a blast.

 

I thought dating was SUPPOSED to be fun....why do so many people want to impose their rules on everyone else? Live a little! When the right one for a LTR comes along, you'll know -and it his/her age won't matter as long as it doesn't matter to you two.

[soserious1]

You still have a lot to live for. You do sound depressed. And what, you've traveled extensively....to every country? Every US state? Come on, sweetheart, there are still places for you to go. Perhaps a change of scenery and some new people in your life would do you some good.

 

Actually I'm not depressed, I tend to be very logical in my thinking and at times

very flat in my affect, it's part and parcel of being a person with high functioning asperger's.

 

From where I sit, the end of life is an ever increasing set of social losses as well

as decline of physical form and function, to say nothing of a person's cognitive abilities. Deciding calmly and rationally while one is still able, just how much decline one wishes to endure seems totally appropriate to me.

[samspade]

From where I sit, the end of life is an ever increasing set of social losses as well

as decline of physical form and function, to say nothing of a person's cognitive abilities. Deciding calmly and rationally while one is still able, just how much decline one wishes to endure seems totally appropriate to me.

 

That may be so, but as long as you are of sound mind and able body, it is my opinion that you ought not to squander that. I don't know what your level of health is, but there are a lot of people out there in wheelchairs and worse who haven't let that stop them from enjoying life.

 

And there is more to life than sex and romance. My great-grandmother outlived her husband by 14 years. After he died, she moved closer to her daughter (also a widow) and took classes, went dancing, and traveled to Australia and Ireland - she even kissed the blarney stone at 88 years of age.

 

When her body finally did give out, I'm sure she had no regrets.

[soserious1]

That may be so, but as long as you are of sound mind and able body, it is my opinion that you ought not to squander that. I don't know what your level of health is, but there are a lot of people out there in wheelchairs and worse who haven't let that stop them from enjoying life.

 

And there is more to life than sex and romance. My great-grandmother outlived her husband by 14 years. After he died, she moved closer to her daughter (also a widow) and took classes, went dancing, and traveled to Australia and Ireland - she even kissed the blarney stone at 88 years of age.

 

When her body finally did give out, I'm sure she had no regrets.

 

While men have the right to decide whom they will or will not date,somehow sitting around announcing that you want younger women but telling older women to smile and enjoy their sexless lives seems sort of like issuing the command "dance, monkey dance"

 

I'm nobody's monkey and with all respects to your Grandmother, I get to decide what constitutes a quality life for me, nobody else.

[samspade]

While men have the right to decide whom they will or will not date,somehow sitting around announcing that you want younger women but telling older women to smile and enjoy their sexless lives seems sort of like issuing the command "dance, monkey dance"

 

I'm nobody's monkey and with all respects to your Grandmother, I get to decide what constitutes a quality life for me, nobody else.

 

I didn't say your life HAS to be sexless. You appear resigned to it being sexless, friendless, and generally pointless until you die. That is your prerogative. I'm sorry your husband treated you so lowly, but you are still in control of your own happiness. It shouldn't matter what I want or what he wants. And I think you have me confused with someone else; I'm not announcing that I "want younger women" but that I will always keep my options open and encourage you to, as well. But it's up to you, I'm not trying to tell you what to do. I resent the implication that I am treating you like a monkey when I was trying to help you look on the bright side of things.

 

As for the travel idea, that is just an example. You are right, you get to decide. If waxing poetic about death's imminent approach to us all is your idea of a fun life, knock yourself out. I'll stop bothering you...I was just trying to help but I don't think you want that.

[Sam Spade]

I

I thought dating was SUPPOSED to be fun....why do so many people want to impose their rules on everyone else? Live a little! When the right one for a LTR comes along, you'll know -and it his/her age won't matter as long as it doesn't matter to you two.

 

I wish this was indeed the case. But, I am yet to encounter a woman that's not looking for a LTR. So, that takes a lot of fun out of dating. Not that LTRs are not fun - of course they are, and I prefer that to anything else. But I have never been in a situation to be able to assume that the woman is not looking for a relationship, and it is depressing in its own right. So there is usually an upfront pressure to be in a LTR even if you're just getting to know each other. The opposite is more than the exception...

[soserious1]

I didn't say your life HAS to be sexless. You appear resigned to it being sexless, friendless, and generally pointless until you die. That is your prerogative. I'm sorry your husband treated you so lowly, but you are still in control of your own happiness. It shouldn't matter what I want or what he wants. And I think you have me confused with someone else; I'm not announcing that I "want younger women" but that I will always keep my options open and encourage you to, as well. But it's up to you, I'm not trying to tell you what to do. I resent the implication that I am treating you like a monkey when I was trying to help you look on the bright side of things.

 

As for the travel idea, that is just an example. You are right, you get to decide. If waxing poetic about death's imminent approach to us all is your idea of a fun life, knock yourself out. I'll stop bothering you...I was just trying to help but I don't think you want that.

 

 

I don't think we are communicating well here and for that I am sorry. When I use the word " you" it is meant in the generic sense which I thought you understood.

 

What I am saying about the grandmother thing is very true though.. older women are expected to devote their lives to caretaking for grandchildren

and other acts of service to "help out" younger people, or puttering in their gardens or doing other insignificant,trival things, the little white haired dotting grandma has been the prevailing socially acceptable image of elderly woman for quite some time. I call this the "Äunt Bee" syndrome and find that when a woman rejects this role she does so at her own peril.

 

You walk away all indigant and huffy now "Ï was only trying to help you"

 

Let me ask you this, seriously and respectfully, did I ask you for help ? To my recollection I did not and in fact assured you that I was satisfied thus far with the overall content of my life and comfortable with my future choices.

 

So did you really want to "help" me or rather were you reminding me of the Aunt Bee expectation.. and got pissed when I rejected it?

[samspade]

Let me ask you this, seriously and respectfully, did I ask you for help ? To my recollection I did not and in fact assured you that I was satisfied thus far with the overall content of my life and comfortable with my future choices.

 

So did you really want to "help" me or rather were you reminding me of the Aunt Bee expectation.. and got pissed when I rejected it?

 

Look, you're right, you didn't ask, so I'll stop offering advice.

 

But you've twisted everything I said. Your Aunt Bea archetype has nothing to do with my great grandmother; in fact, that was the whole point I was trying to make was that she wasn't resigned to doing "grandma" things just because she was elderly. Maybe I explained it wrong. If it reminded you of Aunt Bea, that's something I can't control, but it appears you are seeing and hearing only what is convenient for you to criticize and disregard. None of my grandmothers or great-grandmothers have been any of those things, which you are extracting from the front pages of the Saturday Evening Post, TV Land reruns, paper towel commercials, and the like.

 

So you can see why I'd be insulted: First, you accuse me of calling you a monkey, then I'm putting you into an Aunt Bea box that you've created in your mind. I learned a long time ago that I can't solve someone else's problems, but this is a forum where insight is shared, and I thought I'd share mine. Shame on me, I guess.

[soserious1]

Look, you're right, you didn't ask, so I'll stop offering advice.

 

But you've twisted everything I said. Your Aunt Bea archetype has nothing to do with my great grandmother; in fact, that was the whole point I was trying to make was that she wasn't resigned to doing "grandma" things just because she was elderly. Maybe I explained it wrong. If it reminded you of Aunt Bea, that's something I can't control, but it appears you are seeing and hearing only what is convenient for you to criticize and disregard. None of my grandmothers or great-grandmothers have been any of those things, which you are extracting from the front pages of the Saturday Evening Post, TV Land reruns, paper towel commercials, and the like.

 

So you can see why I'd be insulted: First, you accuse me of calling you a monkey, then I'm putting you into an Aunt Bea box that you've created in your mind. I learned a long time ago that I can't solve someone else's problems, but this is a forum where insight is shared, and I thought I'd share mine. Shame on me, I guess.

 

You didn't share "ïnsight" You spoke about your grandmother and her happy life without sex or romance.. how she moved to be closer to an adult child and traveled.That cute little old lady even kissed the blarney stone, bless her heart.

 

I'm sorry but your "helpful" response is just another bit of ageism whether

you see it or not and your sulking well excuse me for trying to help tone

tells me that I'm correct in my thinking.

[Trialbyfire]

You didn't share "ïnsight" You spoke about your grandmother and her happy life without sex or romance.. how she moved to be closer to an adult child and traveled.That cute little old lady even kissed the blarney stone, bless her heart.

 

I'm sorry but your "helpful" response is just another bit of ageism whether

you see it or not and your sulking well excuse me for trying to help tone

tells me that I'm correct in my thinking.

I agree with samspade on this one. Life isn't all about sex and romance, which has nothing to do with aging. Smell the roses soserious. They're beautiful and to be appreciated, just like being alive. Do you hear the finches chirping madly away? Do you see anything besides the pain inside of you?

[soserious1]

I agree with samspade on this one. Life isn't all about sex and romance, which has nothing to do with aging. Smell the roses soserious. They're beautiful and to be appreciated, just like being alive. Do you hear the finches chirping madly away? Do you see anything besides the pain inside of you?

 

I see a lot, my very makeup has placed me to be a very keen observer of life and of people.

 

I don't feel that the advantages of old age are enough to balance the liabilities

and so if I should become terminally ill I will refuse all but comfort measures, if I should have an accident, slip into a coma or require life support it will not be given.

[sumdude]

I see a lot, my very makeup has placed me to be a very keen observer of life and of people.

 

I don't feel that the advantages of old age are enough to balance the liabilities

and so if I should become terminally ill I will refuse all but comfort measures, if I should have an accident, slip into a coma or require life support it will not be given.

 

That's your choice, it just seems so defeatist to some of us. Then again i just went through watching my dad pass away with an awesome spirit, wanting to stay alive and fight for it.

[Trialbyfire]

I see a lot, my very makeup has placed me to be a very keen observer of life and of people.

 

I don't feel that the advantages of old age are enough to balance the liabilities

and so if I should become terminally ill I will refuse all but comfort measures, if I should have an accident, slip into a coma or require life support it will not be given.

As a keen oberver of people, I'm surprised that you're not catching my point. You're a well-spring of bitterness when it comes to life, love and happiness. You've given up, which has nothing to do with having a living will, which btw, I also have. I refuse to live like a plugged in ruttabaga, if something dire should happen.

 

That's also not what sam is saying to you. sam appears to see what I see, that you need to address the hurt and pain inside of you. You need to address your depression. I've seen your attitude degenerate since last August, when you first started posting about your imminent divorce. Most people would have started to feel better but that's not what's happening to you. Address it soserious. No amount of sympathy from LS members or cozening of bitterness within you, will help.