Can i get my girlfriend back???

[Jason]

Like some of the other ppl i've read some of the other threads and related to most of what has been said. I split up with my girlfriend of 13 months about a week ago. Basically she dumped me on the phone because she said she found a long distance relationship, her being at university and me not, too hard. She said ahe didn't see me enough and i was calling too much which was making her unhappy.

(A long time ago she lost her best friend and since then she is paranoid about losing friends and so me calling was detracting attention away from her new friends at university, as she's only been there about 2 weeks now, this is why i think she wanted to break up. Also she said that she was realising she could be an individual and fealt like the relationship had reached a natural end)

I, like every other guy on this forum, don't want to let go & love her more than life itself. The difference between me and the others is that she is still in love with me but just doesn't feel we should be together anymore. She has expressed a desire to get back together however "not anytime soon" possibly around christmas we could meet up she said to "reasses things". Like every1 tho i have called her twice now and sent a couple of txt's but all things considered i have been quite controlled in contact by calling friends anytime I need to call her.

Anyway i txt her the other day and asked her if she would like to meet up in a couple of weeks to catch up (in a public place) so nothing will happen. I wrote her a long long letter basically covering everything about how i want to be with her etc and later wrote a second letter saying that although the 1st letter is entirely accurate i don't think i could be just friends and that if she doesnt think that we will get back together then i would have to say goodbye and walk away permanently.

 

Should i give her these letters, should i not call her to make things better. The problem is she is at university so she has more distractions and more guys around to aid in her getting over me. I want things to work but only if she wants them to aswell. Im no saint by any means and she knows that so she probably worries a little about what i am up to but i am so worried that i wont be able to get her back.

 

Am i going about this the right way what do you think i should do?

[nobandaid]

Jason, I know this might seem like the hardest thing in the world to do right now but what you need to do is give the girl time. Give her time to think about things and time to miss you and when she has gotten over the "thrills" of her new university life I believe that she will return to you.

 

I can empathise with you because I am going through a similar situation. 13 months is a long time to be with someone. You must love her very much. But you need to give her the time and space that she needs right now - who knows, you probably need some space away to adjust and accept everything that is happening in her "new" life also.

 

You say that she has "lost" her best friend. Did her friend pass away or did they cease to remain friends? My best friend recently walked away from me, 1 month after my boyfriend did, because she felt as though she cared about my life more than hers. What's wrong with that I ask? Anyway I have now realised that she's not worth being best friends with anyway if she's going to walk away from me during the hardest time of my life so far..... BUT to the point - If she has recently lost a best friend then obviously she is insecure about forming new relationships (new friends) and possibly scared about maintaining existing relationships (your relationship) with people fullstop.

 

She probably believes that you will always be there as a "backstop" if these new friendships don't work out as you were probably there for her when she lost her best friend.

 

My longwinded point is this - I think that you should give her the first letter, but make sure that you tell her in this letter that you understand she is insecure in forming new friendships and that you will give her the time that she needs to secure these relationships. Let her know that you will "drop off a little" and call less if that's what she needs to settle into her new environment. Tell her your true feelings for her in the letter and what you have written in the post - that you don't want to let her go and love her dearly. Then wait for her to get back to you.

 

You are your own person though so do what you feel is best, not what anybody says to do on this forum - use our advice as guidance only, because ultimately, you are responsible for your own actions.

 

I think you are handling the "self-control" thing really well by not contacting her etc. If you read my post - "please help me to win back the love of my life" then you will notice I am not doing so well. Whenever you feel like calling her but feel as if you shouldn't, then just come online and write me a little note to let me know how things are going. I will do the same. Good luck.

[Jason]

Her friend left the school and stopped talking with her because she felt that Pippa (my x) was not spending enough time with her etc, the reason being that Pippa was going through a very hard time, so really very similar to your story.

I think ill take you up on the offer of posting you a note because it will be very help full. This is particularly because i am in such a habit of phoning Pip when i get home and before going to bed that it feels weird not calling somebody.

 

Just before i came online i was on the phone to one of Pippa's friends, prior to university, because she just txt me. She goes to a Uni that is quite close to where i live so its not really any trouble to meet her which i may do at the end of this week as im already going out in that city with some friends. I am a little bit worried about how Pippa will perceive this if she finds out as in the past i was a bit of a player and so she could think i was trying to get back at her or spy on her. She probably will think of the latter as she knows how i feel and that i would never try and hurt her. I dont really want to upset her but if looked at practically her friend could be a means of better understanding what has happened as she knows Pippa differently to me (we pretty much started seeing each other straight away and so were never just friends, hence it being so hard) but also she is at university so could shed some light onto what Pip is going through. What do you think?

 

ps i really appreciate your opinion especially being somebody who understands my problem.

[Charlie (M)]

I too am going through the same thing with my girlfriend, who split up with me only 1 week after on our anniversarry saying we are strong enough for anything. I felt, and still feel incredibly hurt and confused, but was not so restrained. I should have given her the chance to miss me etc. but instead sent her a barage of e-mails, letters and texts asking 'why we can't be together?' This, I know now, was the wrong thing to do, and may ultimately lose her forever. So now, finally, I have been restrained and left her to work out what she wants, but I think it's too late. Don't make the same mistake, this is inly advice, but it's advice from someone who did it all wrong. If things change I'll let you know, but right now, it looks like I am going to be being single for a while.

 

Take care peeps

[chrisd]

Hi, just found this site by luck. Ive just split up with my girlfriend of 5 years. I'm 24 she's 19.

 

She basically said she is confused and does'nt know what she wants anymore. Just a couple of weeks ago we were talking about having a baby something we had both thought long and hard about. But now she dumps me.

 

The pain is unbearable, I cant sleep or concentrate because I'm so hurt. She said that she needs to do other things like going out with her friends, which I can understand, but why dump me.

 

We had been living together in her mums house for a few years, so now I have to stay at the place I work, which is a castle/manor house out in the countryside. Most people think thats good, but I have no friends here and I get lonely and depressed.

 

Why has she done this, and how do I get her back? Please, somebody help me.

[chrisd]

Can anyone help me with the message i left earlier. Please.

[mr_roggger]

Take note of what Charlie M said...

...I made that mistake in the 1st week of my recent break up of 2 1/2 years, (phoning, texting and even going to her's to try and meet her)...but now I am resisting this temptation, trying to fix my issues on insecurity, anxiety and jealousy, and ultimatly hoping to bridge this gap that we now have between us.

Time, is an excellent healer....I don't mean you will get over her, if that's not what you want, but it will give you a chance to get a different perspective on things and think about how to get her back into your life.

Please, if you can, I urge you not to contact her for a 2 or 3 weeks minimum...I know it's hard but its for the best...if you don't contact her for a while, it will give her time to think about things too and maybe begin to miss you and realise how great you two were together.

[chrisd]

Thanks. I have already started to resist the temptation to coNTact her. But I'm just so worried she will just forget about me because she's got her friends. The biggest problem is that I have no way of getting it out of my mind. I have nowhere to escape to. All my friends are miles away so I have no one to help. When I get lonely and depressed I start to think things I really should'nt, and the more I think these things the more depressed I get, it's just a vicious circle.

 

I just dont understand why she suddenly changed her mind about us.

 

Do you think she will forget about me and move on? It's killing me!

[mr_roggger]

No, I don't think she will forget about it just like that since you were together for over a year and had many great times. She probably thinks of you a fair bit too, but if you leave time before contacting her the thoughts of you that she has may come more and more +ve!

[mr_roggger]

+ve = positive, sorry, my damn Physics degree!

[chrisd]

Hi

 

Ive just got a text message from her that says "are you ok".

 

What do I do, should I reply, If so what should I say. I could just say that I am ok, but I'm not, I dont want to lie to her but I also dont want to cause a problem.

 

Chris.

[moimeme]

You could answer 'not really; I miss you a lot'. Don't drown her in detail but let her know that you are missing her.

[chrisd]

I've just sent her a message back like you said. Do I now just wait to see if she replies. Or should I do anything else.

 

Thanks. Chris

[kclay21]

Originally posted by chrisd

I've just sent her a message back like you said. Do I now just wait to see if she replies. Or should I do anything else.

 

Thanks. Chris

 

Just wait...let her respond. Let her start the conversation if there is one to be had.

[midori]

From reading your situation a few things strike me:

 

1. your gf is quite young. While she might have been sincere in talking marriage & babies, it might have been a bit overwhelming for her once she stopped to think about it. Not that you were necessarily pushing for those things right away, but it might seem inevitable to her -- and not something she's entirely sure that she wants at her very young age.

 

2. You were quite dependent upon your girlfriend -- living with her & her mother. It's a lot of obligation for her. Made it tough on you too. But if she's trying to figure out what she wants, knowing that big parts of your life depend on her decision is a lot of pressure for a 19 year old girl. And if she's at all wise, she knows she's only 19 and hasn't seen much of life yet.

 

3. You, too, are quite young. You seem to be a responsible person who has a good job and makes practical choices. All good. And there's certainly no hard and fast rule about when one is old enough to know what one wants out of life. My parents married when they were 22 & 23 years old. 33 years later they're still happy together. But that was a different era -- and many of their peers have long ago divorced, re-married, sometimes divorced again.

 

So what I'm saying is that you don't need to view this as disastrous. I realize it has put you in a less-than-ideal living situation. What can you do to improve it? Can you find people to share a flat with -- maybe just for weekends, so you can be nearer your friends when you want to go out? Is there a village near the estate? There might be a few people there worth getting to know.

 

Don't look at this as being banished from your gf's life. Take into consideration some of the points I've raised and others that come to mind, and see this as an opportunity to flesh out your own life a little bit more. So that when it comes time to make a final decision with your gf, you'll be doing so with a better sense of knowing yourself and what you want out of life. And let her do the same.

 

Rushing someone to make a decision because you're afraid that if they don't commit to you right away they'll forget about you is silly when you think about it. If your girlfriend really knows, appreciates, and loves you -- and feels that you are right for her and she for you -- then she's not going to forget you. If she does forget you, then she didn't love you enough. You can't make someone love you enough. Even if you did rush them/trick them/force them into committing to you w/o that certainty, how long before things would deteriorate?

 

Right now if you appear to be horribly needy, your girlfriend will feel pressured to come to a decision, to end your misery or to erase her "responsibility" for your unhappiness. If she feels forced, you may well not like the decision she reaches. However lonely and unhappy you are, you need to focus on ways of improving your immediate situation, ways that do not at all depend upon her. Believe it or not, she is not responsible for your unhappiness. Your living situation is your deal. Your social situation is also something for you to take care of. I understand that things were very convenient for you when you were living with your gf, but it sounds like you put too many of your eggs in that basket. I think that things will not seem so bleak if you take care of some of your immediate concerns, things that are in your power to change.

[chrisd]

Thanks, I've read through your message a good few times, and you are right.

 

Thing is whilst living with her, it was my gf idea of having a baby, I was'nt keen to start with because I did'nt think I was ready for that. But over a period of about a year I got used to the idea and decided that was what I wanted. My gf all along wanted to have a baby and at no time did she want to change her mind she would always ask me about it. She told me she wanted a baby at about 18 years old because she did'nt want to be too old when the child would be her age now. The thing is, it was only a couple of weeks ago that she started to ask me if it was ok to stop taking her pill contraceptive. I agreed and I meant it, there was no problem with it. What I cant understand is how she can change her mind just like that, surely if you commit yourself to having a baby you must feel very strongly about it and also your partner, it's not a decision you take lightly. I've thought about it very hard for a year and I know it is what I wanted. So i'm slightly confused by the whole thing.

 

It's not a problem about the baby, it can be put to the side for as long as it needs, so why could'nt she just say that, why decide to stop all.

 

Do you think it's possible that she scared herself by saying she wanted a baby. I know that I have never put any pressure on her about it, in fact I never brought it up at all, it was only her that would bring it up. She said she still loves me and cares about me and that her heart is broken too.

 

I'm just totally confused.

 

Chris.

[chrisd]

Hi,

 

Can anybody help me understand the message I left above?

[midori]

What I was driving at earlier is that you need to stop obsessing over what is going through your girlfriend's head right now. She's confused; leave it at that. There might not be a more precise answer than that. Give her some time and space to get herself sorted. In the meantime, why don't you focus on getting yourself sorted out, so that you're not hanging out by yourself and letting this eat you up? You can't resolve her confusion for her. Right now you don't know what she's going to decide -- no one can predict that -- so you need to put your energies elsewhere.

[chrisd]

Ok, Ok, I cant take this anymore. Ive listened to what everyone has said and done what they have said as well. But on sunday night she texts me saying Hi ya, I replied to the text saying hello how are you. A little conversation then started via text messages. She asked me what I had been doing etc etc.

 

This lasted for about ten minutes, then she stopped replying and I havent heard from her since.

 

What the hell is going on. One minute shes talking to me the next totally blanking me. Is this the normal kind of thing they do or is she trying to hurt me more. If its the later its working really well. Ive hardly stopped crying all day. It feels like shes just sending me the odd message to see if Im still alive, and to make sure I havent done anything stupid to myself. She must know its making it worse for me.

 

Ive been to the doctors today and ive been told to see a councila. But thats going to take ages to get an appointment. just dont know how much more i can take.

[trying]

I would also recommend a counsellor...are you in school? They usually have some on staff.

It won't take ages...

 

This girl seems very confused...and she does not seem as interested in maintaining the connection as you do.

[SoleMate]

Chrisd -

 

You're hurting, I can hear that. Yes, you're like many other guys on this forum who ask "How can I make her come back to me?" (Don't hear that much from women, btw.) The short, not-what-you-want-to-hear answer is "you can't". In this case, I'm not even sure you should. This girl is young, only 19, and she is a typically confused and immature teenager, based on what you have said. That's normal for 19, but it's not something that any guy should be building his life around. I think she deserves a chance to experience independence during her schooling. You shouldn't cling to her for your own needs and keep her from this growth.

 

One minute shes talking to me the next totally blanking me. Is this the normal kind of thing they do or is she trying to hurt me more?

I'm quite sure she's not trying to hurt you. She's vacillating between her new life at school and her old familiar friend - you. She has no idea that this is hurting you. I'd tell her so, if I were you.

 

Then, all you can do is be strong and build a life for yourself where you are - even if it seems like a hollow shell right now.

 

I'm praying for both of you that she is not pregnant, and that your pain over this ending eases as quickly as nature allows.