Lessons from an OW

[jj33]

SO much more validation. And now he is looking to me for validation of how glamorous his life is which is odd as I never got that bs from him when we were together. I think its because he can feel the flame dying on my side.

 

I feel kind of bad for him in that way. (but how long was I supposed to hang on to nothing but memories I mean come on....) Nothing is ever going to be enough. Hes got a great family great friends, very successful the only thing lacking is in his relationship with his wife but its obviously not bad enough for him to pull the trigger. My guess is he will be pondering whether to leave for the next 8 years and never ever do it.

 

The other one too. Was hugely successful great wife who was also successful in her own way, great life but needed validation 24/7 and then some.

[jj33]

You dont know? Of course you arent... they only said that to get you into bed and then you took it and sold it to the world...

 

Are you kidding?? Of course you are. Youre fabulous. That was clear the first time you posted.

 

It is however true that you can be the most beautiful woman in the room and if you dont feel good about yourself, that beauty wont have the same impact.

[2sure]

Yeah, inner beauty and all that right?

Listen to me talk like I'm a feminist now. LOL.

 

Sure, all the compliments helped but....Lets face it, a boob job, a little lipo, finishing my education, twice a week salon vists, all that crap (paid for by MM) kinda helped me out.

[jj33]

Hey all that helps but its not like he got you a new FACE. I look much better when I go to the salon, can never do my hair the way they do. But its still my gorgeous hair!

[NoIDidn't]

Sometimes I still dont know if I really am attractive & smart OR just started to believe that I was because MM said it.

 

The important thing is that once I started believing it, I havent stopped. In fact, lol....

 

The MMen I saw built me up so much...that eventually I realized I was too good for them. LOL.

 

This is what I got from being the other woman. My ego stroked big time. Not because of what he was risking (his fiance and future with her), but because of what he said to ME about ME!

 

He still says those lofty things whenever I speak to him. He's now on W#2 but thinks he can always fill my head with delusions of grandeur and I'll go running back to #Nth status.

 

Not gonna happen. He told me I was all that and a bag of chips, and I've never stopped believing that. Yep, too good for him and too much for him to handle, indeed! LOL.

[MeaganRaye]

I think married men make better SugarDaddies IMO, when you get your feelings involved and expecting too much out of it that's where all the heartache comes in

[wildsoul]

Something I've been thinking about recently. I'm going to apply it to MM, as I don't know if MW are the same or not.

 

MM have to pull out all the stops to convince a single woman to get involved. The usual courtship phase is turbocharged. Extra flattery. Rockstar sex, if the woman's into that. NO sex, if that makes her trust him more. Early declarations of love. Future talk.

 

Many single guys, the ones who aren't desperate, hold back, compared to this guy. And wow, but if his feelings are SO strong that he's willing to change his life in order to be with you, then it must be love. It feels good to be swept off your feet. He's probably romance-starved too.

 

Yet still. I'm wondering how much the extra romance, which starts as a convincing strategy, is also the heroin that makes otherwise-sensible women get hooked.

 

For me, it did anyways. It was very seductive.

[Untouchable_Fire]

As a former OW , ( multiple times) and a currently recovering BS - I thought this topic might have something to offer both. We all learn as life happens and the lessons can be important.

As an OW I learned that MM dont always have real problems with their wife or marriage. They say they do for one of several reasons:

*They need to justify the A to themselves &/or to OW. To themselves, of course - to OW just to talk her into the A & so they dont look like the bad guy.

*They have normal problems & prefer to simply whine rather than deal with them. You are who they whine to. If you are receptive to this - expect more of the same. I always preferred they shut up & get on with it- but they are more into conversation than any woman I know.

*They want to be seen as the victim (so you know they are harmless)

At the exact same time he will tell you that his wife is pretty, kids are perfect, and he earns a good living. This is because he needs to be a big shot. Thats all fine -buy me a car.

When my H cheated on me, I was helped by the fact that knowing the above - I almost couldnt take it personally.

Anyone else learn anything useful?

 

That's just your experience, because you go after the same type of guys. Why? Why do you seem to gravitate towards guys like this?

 

When I did this, I can tell you truely I said almost nothing about my M. It was clear that there were some issues, but I never talked about anything with anyone... including OW. Although she talked about her H and M issues quite a bit.

 

So, it's clear to me that you are just gunning for a special kind of douchebag!

[2sure]

That's just your experience, because you go after the same type of guys. Why? Why do you seem to gravitate towards guys like this?

 

So, it's clear to me that you are just gunning for a special kind of douchebag!

 

Well yes, of course. I was looking specifically for the type of MM that could give me the things I thought I wanted at the time.

 

This was all quite a long time ago. I eventually turned my life around and now am happily married. Sorry that wasnt clear to you. And yes, I can only speak from my own experience.....who elses could anyone possibly speak for??

[jj33]

WildSoul I would agree with you. A MM who is not rushed can be all things to all women, depending on the sensibilities of the woman involved.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Well yes, of course. I was looking specifically for the type of MM that could give me the things I thought I wanted at the time.

This was all quite a long time ago. I eventually turned my life around and now am happily married. Sorry that wasnt clear to you. And yes, I can only speak from my own experience.....who elses could anyone possibly speak for??

 

I didn't mean that to be insulting or confrontational. I'm including your H in that group of guys BTW.

 

Are you sure you have changed?

[2sure]

MM have to pull out all the stops to convince a single woman to get involved. The usual courtship phase is turbocharged. Extra flattery. Rockstar sex, if the woman's into that. NO sex, if that makes her trust him more. Early declarations of love. Future talk.

 

Many single guys, the ones who aren't desperate, hold back, compared to this guy. And wow, but if his feelings are SO strong that he's willing to change his life in order to be with you, then it must be love. It feels good to be swept off your feet.

 

Well put! The fantasy, the ego feed of an affair is not complete unless he (she) is seen through rose colored glasses.

The fantasy is that he is wonderful, a great catch, caught in circumstances, the whole romeo/juliette thing.

The ego feed is that he ends up being wanted and adored regardless of the difficult circumstance.

 

And he can paint the picture, say the words..because he knows what you want to hear

[NoIDidn't]

WildSoul I would agree with you. A MM who is not rushed can be all things to all women, depending on the sensibilities of the woman involved.

 

Its what I call the "I already have a job" syndrome. They already have a woman at home, so they can woo you. They have no fear of rejection because if you won't give them what they want (most of the time) they can go home and get it.

 

Its a racket. I'll tell you that. I still haven't gotten over the compliments (over the top lies, maybe). At least I married a guy that compliments me alot as well.

[Bluebird In My Heart]

Wow! This sounds truly horrible! I'm really sorry you had such a traumatic time of it.

 

My experience was quite the opposite, it was completely empowering and affirming to have so much control, so much power, so much support and goodwill from so many people, and to be such a priority to someone. But I guess what you get depends on what you want, what you demand and what you negotate upfront. If you're prepared to settle for scraps, that's likely all you'll be offered, but if you're the one with the menu in your hands, things are rather different.

 

Perhaps there should be a handbook for new OWs, with guidelines on how to negotiate a good agreement of terms, and warnings, like Bluebird's, of what they might expect if they don't. It's really sad to read stories on here of OW having to settle for what they asked for - ie, nothing...

 

 

 

 

OW...your post made me cry...

 

 

Thank you so very, very much.

 

Empathy? Who knew?

 

I left it behind me,

I tried.

 

I tried so hard.

I did the right thing.

i don't know what to do.

 

He contacted me.

He might be going through with the D.

He said a lot of things he should have said a long time ago.

 

He loves me.

at this very moment he thinks he does.

Or maybe did.

 

It can change.

Anytime and all of the time.

 

Instability.

Nothing at all to lean on.

 

I was such a fool and I still am one.

I feel worthless.

 

And now - I am so confused and I do not believe it.

 

I have been through Hell.

 

*hugs you*

 

You have no idea how much what you have written means to me right now.

 

Thank you again. So, so, so much.

 

I feel so alone in the world right now...

I'm going insane.

 

 

*hugs again*

 

Bless you.

Thanks.

[JMC]

I enjoyed this post.

 

I'm always interested in knowing the real, deep reasons behind and underneath everything.

 

So many times I wanted the truth from my MM. So many times I believed what he said, and so many times I knew he wasn't telling me everything.

 

So I consider info from a BS - when it's offered without hostility or contempt - to be valuable.

 

My MM did play the victim of sorts, in that he said he never got sex or attention or respect. But he never bragged about his wife. He put her down some. And sometimes he gave her kudos. He told the truth about the kids, I think. He has five and they have their share of challenges, that he did share with me.

[Dexter Morgan]

I think married men make better SugarDaddies IMO, when you get your feelings involved and expecting too much out of it that's where all the heartache comes in

 

No, there is still heartache involved....but it is with the BS.