"The walk-away wife..."

[Star11]

Hello all. I am new here, and the advice and support seem to be really right on and maybe just what I need.

 

I, as you can tell from the title, am the "walk-away wife". My husband and I have been married for 20 years, and I have recently (February) requested a separation. A little history...we were both young, me 17 and he was 23, when we married. We don't have any children, I work and he doesn't. We are both in individual therapy. Right now I am unwilling to commit to or participate in couple's counseling. We are still living under the same roof, because he is not working, and it would be a SERIOUS financial burden for both of us if we physically separated. It has never been a physically abusive relationship, but I think our words and actions over the years have been mentally and emotionally damaging to both of us.

 

I have read some posts that say it's really not possible to "fall out of love", but I have no other way to describe what it is that I feel. You could say "grown apart", I guess. That seems to fit as well. We haven't been intimate the way a husband and wife should be for many years. We have been more like a brother and sister and/or friends, more than anything else. I care very deeply for him, love him, even, but am not "in love" and I am not attracted to him physically.

 

Now, I am at the place where I don't know who I am or what I want...I do know that I don't want to be his wife. Before everyone flares up, there is no other man, no other love, no affair, nothing. I am not happy with myself nor do I like the person I become when I am with him. I am not interested in pursuing another relationship except for one with myself. I don't date, I don't go out, so another man is not an issue. I truly believe that I lost myself somewhere along the line, and don't know how to find ME. I am also beginning to believe that 2 whole people are needed to make a marriage work, and that right now I, at least, am only part of one.

 

I don't have a specific agenda or issue that I need advice/support on, just looking for maybe some other ideas or reassurance that all hope is not lost, and maybe a little validation that this is something that happens to rational, logical people. Maybe also to shed a little light from another persepective to most of the posts in this forum.

[sumdude]

I smell midlife crisis and complacency on both of your parts. There was a time when the attraction was there right? Recovering the spark takes a redefining of your lives as individuals and again as a couple.

 

Right now I am unwilling to commit to or participate in couple's counseling.

 

I take this to mean you don't want to make the marriage work again?

[LakesideDream]

I smell midlife crisis and complacency on both of your parts. There was a time when the attraction was there right? Recovering the spark takes a redefining of your lives as individuals and again as a couple.

 

 

 

I take this to mean you don't want to make the marriage work again?

 

 

Yawn. No details.. what "health problems"? (Wasn't the something about sickness and health in the marriage contract?).

 

I agree with Sumdude, sounds like a midlife crisis. Without detail about why the marriage has failed (from your viewpoint) it isn't possible to give an opinion on your situation.

[Star11]

Ok...so maybe it is mid-life crisis. I had considered that but didn't know how to define it. There aren't any health issues to speak of. He quit his physically demanding job to alleviate the health issues (bad back), which I encouraged, yet it is now my fault he has nothing. He is fully capable at this time to be working. At the time he quit, (4 years ago) we could afford it, but now it's not the case. He is very good at not taking any responsibility. His lack of employment he blames me for because I didn't help him figure out what he wanted to do, for example.

 

I have a high-stress job and admittedly, at times, have made it more important that it should have been. Possibly to cover up the problems at home. He says that his handling of me and the way I treat my job is the only thing he has done wrong in 20 years. I keep saying that it is not the only thing, but every example of a problem I bring up he dismisses and minimalizes. *sigh*

 

I have always felt that I have made decisions, that were about and for him, and not for me or in my best interests. I feel that the only time I have done anything for myself was going to school, which he made hard at times. For ex - I don't go out w/co-workers after work say for a drink because I knew he was home alone and lonely, or I would say no to a girlfriend's invite to a movie because he wanted to see it too. I realize that these are small issues, but after years of not dealing with them, they just kept getting pushed down and now there's no more room to push...

 

I carry a lot of guilt over the demise of the marriage, and am afraid that I am just "done". The logical brain tells me that "it takes 2 to tango", but in his persepective, I am to blame, because I want to throw away this marriage and the 20 years we have invested. I am soo afraid to lose myself any farther, because we keep dancing in circles and are not solving anything. Besides, who wants a partner that is not fully "engaged"??? Doesn't everyone deserve someone who truly loves them??

[Chrome Barracuda]

You are to blame...

 

You're the one who LEFT!!!!

 

So he doesnt have a job, it doesnt mean he isnt worth fighting for and it doesnt mean he cant get a job. He could be going through depression or something, maybe he wants to open up his own business and that takes alot of work and your leaving because you want your independance, right?

 

It's all about you, and if that's the case YOU dont deserve to be married.

 

You need to make up your mind either, you want to be married or you dont! Stop being wishy-washy, it does take two to tango but one person CAN ruin it for everybody.

 

I'm not attacking you so dont be defensive but you should not hold the card solely when ending things, he should be informed about the decesion as well.

 

I'd tell you this much if you do walk away, dont come back, save him the trouble and let him move on and let a new woman be a REAL ride or die woman for him. if you dont love him be honest and stay away from him, dont lead him on.

[Gowithflow]

no kids?

no interest in the husband?

no desire to go to marriage counseling?

 

Either take a vacation together and try to really talk, or be done with it. Sounds like you are the one who will lose finacially not him. Prepared to pay him alimony? If so then the choice sounds simple. Move far away if possible to avaid any "aftermath". Sharing a house during a falling out is the worst!

[Chrome Barracuda]

no kids?

no interest in the husband?

no desire to go to marriage counseling?

 

Either take a vacation together and try to really talk, or be done with it. Sounds like you are the one who will lose finacially not him. Prepared to pay him alimony? If so then the choice sounds simple. Move far away if possible to avaid any "aftermath". Sharing a house during a falling out is the worst!

 

A woman paying a man alimony?!?!? LOL. Usually it's the other way around!

[Star11]

A woman paying a man alimony?!?!? LOL. Usually it's the other way around!

 

Yea...in California it doesn't matter...I work, he doesn't...besides he's already told me he's "entitled".

 

I am trying to remember that I truly am a good person through all of this. He does his best to let me know how truly awful and selfish I am, and yes, I know it's partially the hurt talking.

 

I just think that we would be better and happier with people who truly love us for who we are as individuals, and not for what we wish or hope the other to be.

[sumdude]

Ok so now it's a bit clearer. He's been out of work for 4 years? What does he do all day? From what you've posted so far it does sound like you've been pulling the cart without much help. I'd like to know more before posting much more. I can say that for myself I couldn't be a 'kept man'.

[Star11]

Ok so now it's a bit clearer. He's been out of work for 4 years? What does he do all day? From what you've posted so far it does sound like you've been pulling the cart without much help. I'd like to know more before posting much more. I can say that for myself I couldn't be a 'kept man'.

 

He says he's been "taking care of me" all this time and that the house was too much work for him to work and take care of it, too. This wasn't the first house we've owned, and we both worked full-time jobs before. I never asked him to take care of me or the house - only wanted him to be happy and got caught up in the assumptions of what that would be.

[soserious1]

I'm newly divorced from a man who was similar to your husband, couldn't work due to a "bad back" but had no problem toddling to the gym everyday, no problems sucking down booze on my dime either. He also said that he spent his time "taking care of me" yet I did the bulk of the housework, somehow cooking dinner and doing a dish qualified in his mind as doing all the housework.

 

 

Our sex life went to total crap due to internet porn and craig's list, I'd be outside in the morning waiting for my carpool and would hear the sounds of porn stars moaning drifting out the windows. For the last year of the marriage I slept on the sofa. He wasn't interested in sex with me, any discussion of our issues or problems was met with hostilty and gas lighting from him.

 

I finally brought issues to a head when I sat him down and told him that I didn't get married to live as a celibate, bill paying meal ticket and that he would need to agree to open the marriage,to allow us both to see others or that we needed to divorce. He responded that at my age I ought to be on my knees in gratitude to him for staying married to me, that my continued interest in sex was unnatural,unseemly and disgusting to him, I was a "menopausal old pig"

 

 

I served him with papers, split my assets and now pay alimony. It's rough at times fiscally but a lot easier emotionally being alone. If he refuses marriage counseling you might not have any other options.

 

I also want to say that over the past few months I've come to realise that I was truly all alone for several years,the divorce just made it offical.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Like I said before, if you want to leave, then leave.

 

You may feel great sadness for your marriage ending, but on the flipside. if he doesnt want to get a job and contribute what's the point right?

 

I'm like black and white on issues. but the good thing is your not leaving for an OM or OW, your leaving because you want better for him. But I think deep inside it might be something drastic that might force him to change.

 

but he has to want to change for himself.

 

I see that you still very much love him and that's a good thing. If I was to talk to him I'd tell him to man up and shape up. Have you tried telling him what's going on through your mind, he's bound to be angry, but you need to tell him you want things to be better.

[soserious1]

Like I said before, if you want to leave, then leave.

 

You may feel great sadness for your marriage ending, but on the flipside. if he doesnt want to get a job and contribute what's the point right?

 

I'm like black and white on issues. but the good thing is your not leaving for an OM or OW, your leaving because you want better for him. But I think deep inside it might be something drastic that might force him to change.

 

but he has to want to change for himself.

 

I see that you still very much love him and that's a good thing. If I was to talk to him I'd tell him to man up and shape up. Have you tried telling him what's going on through your mind, he's bound to be angry, but you need to tell him you want things to be better.

 

 

If he's to the point that he's flat out reminding her that he's entitled to alimony, it's so over you can stick a fork in it. She's better off trying to look at her finances, decide what things she can cut out and what her options for living quarters will be once she's paying him alimony.

 

What helped me to finally decide whether to stay or go was this thought.

 

If I divorced I'd have to basically pay him to leave

 

If I stayed married I'd still be paying him but the amount wouldn't be fixed like alimony and he'd still be living here injecting his own special brand of misery into my daily life.

[LakesideDream]

Bad back.... I hate bad backs! Back in '72 I had a date with an RPG that burst 3 disks in my back and left me paralysed for 7 weeks, and in rehab for 7 months, with a stainless steel legacy clamping my spine. Ten years later with a SAHM and two kids to support (during that last recession) I was back working at a job requiring "heavy lifting". That lasted 3 years until I couldn't do it anymore. Luckily the economy was better and I was able to get more physically appropriate work.

 

Sometimes "bad backs" are bad backs. I'm 58 now and it hurts like hell to carry a gallon of milk in each hand (16lbs) from the car to the kitchen about 40 feet.

 

Was "Hubby" doing that demanding physical labor while you went to school? There are a lot of walk-away-wives out there getting checks every month because they supported their professional husband while the men got degrees. The courts take that into account if the genders are correct. Is that situation changing?

 

Frankly, witty barbs aside, married 20 years with no chillins... you want out, so leave. Let the court decide what's "fair". I gaurentee you will get a better deal than a man would in the same situation.

[soserious1]

 

Frankly, witty barbs aside, married 20 years with no chillins... you want out, so leave. Let the court decide what's "fair". I gaurentee you will get a better deal than a man would in the same situation.

 

 

That's not always the case, a lot depends on the guy's age and how well he plays the disabled card. Judges aren't going to let you leave a spouse aged 55 or older at risk of becoming a drain on state social service coffers and courts also use the social security standards.. they aren't going to order somebody close to their mid 50's to retrain, so the idea of time limited rehabilative alimony is out. My EX got half of everything,including my 401K.He also receives $2,750 per month in alimony with me ordered to keep him on my health insurance and reimburse him for co-pays. He loses alimony only if he remarries.

[LakesideDream]

That's not always the case, a lot depends on the guy's age and how well he plays the disabled card. Judges aren't going to let you leave a spouse aged 55 or older at risk of becoming a drain on state social service coffers and courts also use the social security standards.. they aren't going to order somebody close to their mid 50's to retrain, so the idea of time limited rehabilative alimony is out. My EX got half of everything,including my 401K.He also receives $2,750 per month in alimony with me ordered to keep him on my health insurance and reimburse him for co-pays. He loses alimony only if he remarries.

 

 

That must be difficult for you. What are the chances he will marry again? Not good I'll wager.

[soserious1]

That must be difficult for you. What are the chances he will marry again? Not good I'll wager.

 

He was smart enough to literally drive me to the brink of insanity in order to get me to divorce him, he was smart enough to retain one of our region's toughest divorce lawyers, I doubt he'll be stupid enough to marry again. I also have no doubt that now that he's single he's cheerfully working under the table, he's a skilled tradesperson and probably bring home a nice chunk of change.

 

As to it being tough, yeah it is but it's a lot easier than having to shell out the cash to support him

while still having him here. At least now I can sleep in a nice bed in the master bedroom instead of on the sofa, a year of the sofa got old pretty quick.

[Chrome Barracuda]

He was smart enough to literally drive me to the brink of insanity in order to get me to divorce him, he was smart enough to retain one of our region's toughest divorce lawyers, I doubt he'll be stupid enough to marry again. I also have no doubt that now that he's single he's cheerfully working under the table, he's a skilled tradesperson and probably bring home a nice chunk of change.

 

As to it being tough, yeah it is but it's a lot easier than having to shell out the cash to support him

while still having him here. At least now I can sleep in a nice bed in the master bedroom instead of on the sofa, a year of the sofa got old pretty quick.

 

It sucks but as you can plainly see alot of guys go through the same or similar things with their wives when they are the breadwinners. Sucks. I know. I'm young and at this rate I dont ever want to be married if that's gonna happen. I gotta write a pre-nup.

[soserious1]

It sucks but as you can plainly see alot of guys go through the same or similar things with their wives when they are the breadwinners. Sucks. I know. I'm young and at this rate I dont ever want to be married if that's gonna happen. I gotta write a pre-nup.

 

You might find this hard to believe but the fact that others are in the same sorry boat really isn't any comfort to me. Even if I'd had a pre-nup the judge would have most likely struck it down and voided it, judges are kind of under the gun to prevent people from casting off disabled spouses who will become charges of the state.

 

What really sucks for me is this.. if I were to remarry he could petition for an increase in alimony as my new husband would be presumed liable for 1/2 of our living costs which would mean I had extra disposable money from my own earnings available to give to my ex, same thing goes for any raises or second job income that the ex finds out about.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You might find this hard to believe but the fact that others are in the same sorry boat really isn't any comfort to me. Even if I'd had a pre-nup the judge would have most likely struck it down and voided it, judges are kind of under the gun to prevent people from casting off disabled spouses who will become charges of the state.

 

What really sucks for me is this.. if I were to remarry he could petition for an increase in alimony as my new husband would be presumed liable for 1/2 of our living costs which would mean I had extra disposable money from my own earnings available to give to my ex, same thing goes for any raises or second job income that the ex finds out about.

 

I know... But you know what, some Pre-nups depends on how it's written and whaqt state your in and what judge is presiding over your case. I mean it sucks but you gotta hang in there. He basically pulled a bitch move. But like i said your not alone in what your going through.

[soserious1]

I know... But you know what, some Pre-nups depends on how it's written and whaqt state your in and what judge is presiding over your case. I mean it sucks but you gotta hang in there. He basically pulled a bitch move. But like i said your not alone in what your going through.

 

If you petition for divorce and your spouse is disabled your chances of walking away living them totally penniless are pretty much nil. I filed, I wanted out..no judge is going to let you walk away from a disabled person without a decent settlement period.

 

And again I take no comfort in the fact that men are also going thru this, unless we're going to start a group home to help alimony payers save money their misery doesn't help me.

 

As to hanging in there, I've got no other choice, I am going to attempt to document his under the table work activities which might offer some leverage in terms of either reducing the alimony or in getting him to back off should I take a new position which pays more.

[Chrome Barracuda]

If you petition for divorce and your spouse is disabled your chances of walking away living them totally penniless are pretty much nil. I filed, I wanted out..no judge is going to let you walk away from a disabled person without a decent settlement period.

 

And again I take no comfort in the fact that men are also going thru this, unless we're going to start a group home to help alimony payers save money their misery doesn't help me.

 

As to hanging in there, I've got no other choice, I am going to attempt to document his under the table work activities which might offer some leverage in terms of either reducing the alimony or in getting him to back off should I take a new position which pays more.

 

LOL your still mad huh, I know the feeling. I'm still mad at my ex too. Having all that rage isnt good. I can tell you it drags you down. But be happy knowing that your not married to this guy anymore. Yeah it sucks taking your money and it's like your paying him to stay away from you while he's disabed. You feel cheated outta life I get that, but coming to grips with it takes time.

 

How long have you been divorced? You still got money right?

[soserious1]

LOL your still mad huh, I know the feeling. I'm still mad at my ex too. Having all that rage isnt good. I can tell you it drags you down. But be happy knowing that your not married to this guy anymore. Yeah it sucks taking your money and it's like your paying him to stay away from you while he's disabed. You feel cheated outta life I get that, but coming to grips with it takes time.

 

How long have you been divorced? You still got money right?

 

Today was April 1st, I wrote a check for $2,750 dollars for this month's alimony, on my desk I've also got a pile of bills of bogus co-pays, doctor visits, meds, MRI and a bunch of other stuff totalling several hundred dollars, along with a note from him which states "I figured you might be thinking of buying something for yourself with your tax refund, these bills should eat up all of that and then some, ramen noodles make great budget dinners! have a great day!"

 

so yes I am still "mad"and probably will be on the 1st of every month till I die, which I'm praying happens sooner rather than later.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Today was April 1st, I wrote a check for $2,750 dollars for this month's alimony, on my desk I've also got a pile of bills of bogus co-pays, doctor visits, meds, MRI and a bunch of other stuff totalling several hundred dollars, along with a note from him which states "I figured you might be thinking of buying something for yourself with your tax refund, these bills should eat up all of that and then some, ramen noodles make great budget dinners! have a great day!"

 

so yes I am still "mad"and probably will be on the 1st of every month till I die, which I'm praying happens sooner rather than later.

 

Have you sent this paperwork to your attourney asked for a modification. I mean if you can capture on video that he's doing work that shows he can work perfectly fine cant you get him for fraud or something, or at least get your payments reduced.

 

Now I can see why your still hurting he sounds like a pompus jackass.

[soserious1]

Have you sent this paperwork to your attourney asked for a modification. I mean if you can capture on video that he's doing work that shows he can work perfectly fine cant you get him for fraud or something, or at least get your payments reduced.

 

Now I can see why your still hurting he sounds like a pompus jackass.

 

 

As long as he isn't threatening me he can say all the snarky things he'd like, I'm under court order to pay his medical co-pays..period, returning to court to complain might well earn me the right to pay even more as judges consider such complaints to be frivious, the mark of a whinner trying to weasle their way out of their obligations. Also, Going back to court costs money, keep in mind that I'm also on the hook for his lawyer if I don't win. He was considering hauling me back to court to ask for more money because I got a roomate to help with my expenses, his lawyer convinced him to wait till such time as they can be reasonably assured of getting at least 1K per month more. As part of discovery I had to produce my employment contract and am bound to produce contracts for any side consulting work I get in future, he knows when I'm scheduled for bonus payments and raises, so we're not done in court yet, not by a long shot.