Abstinent Girl vs. She Who Puts Out. Did I even stand a chance?

[MRevolver]

So I'm 28 and got completely swept off my feet by this 43 yr old man I met at work. The feelings seemed to be mutual and not once was I ever given a reason to doubt that he sincerely cared about me. We've been seeing each other for 3 months (friends since last summer) and had agreed to be committed to each other though not really putting a title on things. Furthermore we are not intimate as I practice complete abstinence. He's known this however since day 1 and has never seemed to have a problem with it.

 

So last month as our affections seemed to grow, he told me he "felt totally committed to me", that "he loved me more than life itself" and "was convinced we were soulmates and he was meant to spend the rest of his life with me." We did the family and friends meet and greet, everything was great but then I noticed he began to act weird.

 

The 'weirdness' finally came to a head a couple of weeks ago. He frantically called me St. Patty's Day saying he needed to talk to me asap cause he'd had a rough night and was really down. My phone had been off at the time but as soon as I got the messages I went to be by his side (he lives in a neighboring town). And well to make a long story short, I discovered that rather than be at home like I thought, he had went out with another girl. Now normally, this wouldn't have bothered me. People can have friends right?? But here's the kicker: they were together from 7pm to 5am the next morning. Apparently they'd met up at this local diner (that he frequents almost daily) and he'd left with her.

 

So of course, I tell him that I went looking for him that next day and he went on to tell me that nothing happened. He said she was a friend he'd known for years, was married and that they'd just 'talked' while they were together. But lately I've noticed he's been on his phone more and now whenever I mention that night he gets defensive-wanting to know what I've heard about him and her-and then that's proceeded by him acting overly nice to me. He also seems to have "amnesia" when it comes to the sequence of events that night and has become opposed to me getting a part-time job at that particular restaurant.

 

With that said, I feel I am not that dumb and yes, he did have sex with her. My question is though, what now? I've tried getting him to admit it but he still says I'm the one he loves and that nothing happened. But I just can't shake the fact he may have banged some chic or may still be doin' her since I don't put out. Should I just contend we were both wrong-that we're not soulmates-and just walk away or give him a chance even despite the fact this could easily happen again? PLEASE HELP BEFORE I GO CRAZY...ER!

[bean1]

Do you mean abstain from sex forever or just before marriage?

 

You are going to have to try extra hard to find a partner that shares the same values on sex as you. Most men your age or older (especially at 43) aren't going to accept a no-sex relationship. Few men feel that they should commit to a woman that won't have sex with them, even if they say otherwise.

 

I don't know what happened, but unless you actively seek out men who share this same value, I would assume that you are likely going to be with a man who will have sex with other women.

[MRevolver]

Just until marriage. And yeah, that was 1 of the problems between us that we were working through. Differing opinions on some things. But he told me that he wasn't worried about the sex in general cause he felt he could have so much more with me that he couldn't have with anyone else.

[bean1]

I guess it depends on him then. I abstained for three years because my (male) partner did not believe in sex before marriage. Some people can and are willing to do that. It sounds like you don't believe he can. That is a dealbreaker unless one of you is willing to change.

[Chrome Barracuda]

He cheated...

 

He's lying. and no man suddenly develops amnesia, and doesnt remember. He did something. What's a married woman doing with your man!?

 

He's trying to play you, dont fall for it!!

[Enema]

You're a prize to him. He's going to win your clam trap or die trying.

 

But, he's certainly not going to do without sex. I'd say he's definitely getting it on the side from someone without your hangups and will lie until his face is blue to try and get away with it.

 

I don't think you had much of a chance trying to get a 40+ year old guy to hold off until marriage.

[AAlike]

when you say that you are "not intimate" - do you mean that you just refrain from intercourse but engage in some other activities, or is your relationship pretty much devoid of physical contact?

 

I ask this only to determine the plausibility of sustaining a relationship with a 43-year old.

 

I dated a girl when I was 22 or so that was opposed to pre-marital intercourse....it surprised the heck out of me because she didn't seem to have the persona that went along with that thinking (if she had we would never have dated, at that time in my life I was quite the irresponsible young lad)...but I was fine with it because at the time I had never been in a very serious relationship and hence had never had sex with any regularity or consistency so I was essentially satiated by the semi-regular makeout session and handjob.

 

However, to ask that of me now? I don't think that I could do it...and honestly, I'd be a bit paranoid about marrying someone before I had sex with them and finding out that we did not have a great sexual connection post-wedlock. and for a 43-year old...has he been married before? Honestly, I'd be skeptical that a relationship would work between a 43-year old and 28-year old in general, even without these extenuating circumstances.

 

That does NOT excuse the fact that, if your hunches are correct, that he is lying to you...but I'm thinking that you might have been doing a little too much wishful thinking and that this was doomed from the start.

[Els]

'With that said, I feel I am not that dumb and yes, he did have sex with her. '

 

How do you know he had sex?

 

There's nothing wrong with wanting abstinence before marriage, as long as you're honest about it, although I believe it'll narrow your dating pool significantly.

 

There IS something wrong if he cheated on you. There IS something wrong if he said abstinence is okay with him but cheats on you.

 

This is no longer about abstinence vs putting out. This is about whether or not your man is lying and cheating to you.

[MRevolver]

when you say that you are "not intimate" - do you mean that you just refrain from intercourse but engage in some other activities, or is your relationship pretty much devoid of physical contact?...

 

No we don't even do "everything but." There be no bases in our relationship. No home runs and not even a first base. But let me too, clarify this. I used to be sexually active but have been this way for around 5 years now. So part of me wonders if maybe he said it was ok because he 1) really felt it he could do it or 2) he believed that if he wooed me enough I'd finally just cave in. I'm guessing now that since it's been 3 months and I'm not budging that he realizes that no he really won't be getting any...least from me.

 

And as for the age, never has seemed to bother either of us nor has it ever posed a problem. Not with him, I or our families.

[MRevolver]

'With that said, I feel I am not that dumb and yes, he did have sex with her. '

 

How do you know he had sex?

 

There's nothing wrong with wanting abstinence before marriage, as long as you're honest about it, although I believe it'll narrow your dating pool significantly.

 

There IS something wrong if he cheated on you. There IS something wrong if he said abstinence is okay with him but cheats on you.

 

This is no longer about abstinence vs putting out. This is about whether or not your man is lying and cheating to you.

 

 

I don't know if he had sex but I feel like given the fact he and this girl did spend the night together and he's been acting strange since then that something definitely went on aside from just some 'talking' as he said.

 

And as I'd forestated, I was up front about my abstinence from day 1 and he always told me it was perfectly fine with him. That he could and would wait because it wasn't intimacy he was looking for as much as it was someone to spend the rest of his life with.

 

And also, yes he has been married before and ironically his wife cheated on him! He claims he's heavily opposed to it as a result but given all that's occurred, I wonder.

[bean1]

I don't know if he had sex but I feel like given the fact he and this girl did spend the night together and he's been acting strange since then that something definitely went out aside from just some 'talking' as he said.

 

And as I'd forestated, I was up front about my abstinence from day 1 and he always told me it was perfectly fine with him. That he could and would wait because it wasn't intimacy he was looking for as much as it was someone to spend the rest of his life with.

 

You will have to go with your intuition on this one. If it doesn't make sense, it isn't true. Sorry this has happened to you, but he is not faithful.

 

Now, I still stand by the fact that you are going to find it nearly impossible to find a man who will not stay faithful without ANY bases (no sex is still possible but you would have to probably find someone religious).

 

BUT, you were honest about this from the beginning so don't hold that against yourself. He is the dishonest one. He should not make a commitment that he cannot honour. I'm guessing he didn't actually think that a 28 year old woman would abide by the rules that she set. I'm not sure anyone would!

 

Look elsewhere! You will have a very difficult time. Almost everyone needs to feel some sort of affection. By not even allowing "first base", I don't think any man could consider you as more than just a friend.

[AAlike]

No we don't even do "everything but." There be no bases in our relationship. No home runs and not even a first base. .

 

Well, if that's the case, then I don't know if I would consider your subject line to be accurate - it's not really you "versus" the other girl.

 

not that it makes it more acceptable, he should have been honest with you regardless, but I don't know that I'd consider this to be cheating in the same vein as it would be in a relationship that involved physical contact.

 

he didn't choose her over you for anything.

[Enema]

Maybe he just thought you were going to abstain.