lovebubble Posted April 2, 2009 Share Posted April 2, 2009 hi everyone. i'd really appreciate some insight on my situation. for starters, i'm 22 yrs old.. and my husband (22) and i have been married since august of 2008. we dated 2 years before getting married. he has awesome qualities but, he has issues with control, is very jealous and has a horrible temper.. and it's putting a strain on our marriage. any club or social gathering is off limits to me, he feels '' neglected '' when i associate with my friends, i have to dress to his standard.. if anything is too revealing according to his standard i am yelled at and called a whore, he has to approve of my activities and i can't do anything if males are present, basically, he's even weary of me going back to school to get my GED because '' there will be guys there ''.. and i don't start until april 6th. i'd be surprised if he allows me to go through with it. i guess my point is.. i'm young.. and i feel so limited in my marriage. is this normal? should a married woman be able to go out with her friends to a club or bar.. or travel without her husband? on top of feeling that way, our personal problems are piling up. there's been abuse on both ends.. and i just wonder if i'm throwing my youth away on a doomed marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Just Angel Posted April 2, 2009 Share Posted April 2, 2009 I will be the first of many who will tell you to GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE ASAP. Doomed marriage part doesnt concern me as the serious issues your guy has. The level of control, jealousy, verbal and emotional abuse he has now will escalate, I promise you. A healthy relationship has boundaries, not chains, each partner is to encourage the other, to help them grow and experience. Healthy marriages are two individual people who are choosing to spend their lives together, not 2 people who live one life set by the exact dictatorship and control of one of them. As someone who has spent too many years in a co-dependant relationship, Id really really encourage you to get yourself some therapy. That you are questioning if this is normal is a red flag in itself. Get out, get help and if you really think he is worth the effort, insist that he seeks help before you come back. Period. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted April 2, 2009 Share Posted April 2, 2009 there are a huge number of red flags that pop up in this post, and I'm with Angel – get out of the marriage because there are serious indicators of abuse. And it's not going to get any better with the passage of time. i'd be surprised if he allows me to go through with it. oh, honey, no. No no no. You do not need someone trying to pull authority over you as you reach out for your goals. In a healthy relationship, partners look at the options, discuss things and support each other even if they have misgivings but know it's in the best interest of their mate. Because your mate understands that this is to better your life together, not "have guys look at you"! the questions you ask about a wife having the freedom to socialize outside the marriage (as in, hang out with friends) varies from relationship to relationship, because it's all based on the level of trust you have in each other. If he's not happy about you getting your GED because of something other men *might* be doing, he definitely isn't going to go for you doing something without him there to watch you. Again, not healthy. And yes, there are marriages where the couple is cool with socializing together AND separately (my husband and I have this, and it's worked out well after 17 years). I have a feeling it's going to get much much worse as time goes on if he's liek this at 22. You need to decide whether you have the courage to walk away now, before he knocks you up and ties you down with babies. Because it'll be way harder to leave when he has that over your head. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovebubble Posted April 2, 2009 Author Share Posted April 2, 2009 thank you so much for your reply. you're right, i've really lost sight of what is and isn't normal. i think i'm going to have to make some serious changes here. it's gotten to the point where family and friends no longer offer their advice. not one of them likes him as a person. that alone, is very straining on our relationship. again, thank you for your advice! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovebubble Posted April 2, 2009 Author Share Posted April 2, 2009 there are a huge number of red flags that pop up in this post, and I'm with Angel – get out of the marriage because there are serious indicators of abuse. And it's not going to get any better with the passage of time. i'd be surprised if he allows me to go through with it. oh, honey, no. No no no. You do not need someone trying to pull authority over you as you reach out for your goals. In a healthy relationship, partners look at the options, discuss things and support each other even if they have misgivings but know it's in the best interest of their mate. Because your mate understands that this is to better your life together, not "have guys look at you"! the questions you ask about a wife having the freedom to socialize outside the marriage (as in, hang out with friends) varies from relationship to relationship, because it's all based on the level of trust you have in each other. If he's not happy about you getting your GED because of something other men *might* be doing, he definitely isn't going to go for you doing something without him there to watch you. Again, not healthy. And yes, there are marriages where the couple is cool with socializing together AND separately (my husband and I have this, and it's worked out well after 17 years). I have a feeling it's going to get much much worse as time goes on if he's liek this at 22. You need to decide whether you have the courage to walk away now, before he knocks you up and ties you down with babies. Because it'll be way harder to leave when he has that over your head. so true! the thing about the GED is that i know that he's not going to stop me from going to school but, the scruitiny that i will face.. about who i'm talking to, who i hang out with, and everything else involving the oposit sex will just be a lot to bare and put even more strain on our marriage. right now, i work from home, so he has the luxury of a wife that is at home waiting for him everyday. my day dosen't even really start until he gets home from work.. and then the rest of my day revolves around him. of course, he is my husband, and we have great times together.. i don't mind that all of my time is dedicated to him but, it hurts that i don't have the OPTION to put my time into something else. Link to post Share on other sites
DaddyO Posted April 2, 2009 Share Posted April 2, 2009 so true! the thing about the GED is that i know that he's not going to stop me from going to school but, the scruitiny that i will face.. about who i'm talking to, who i hang out with, and everything else involving the oposit sex will just be a lot to bare and put even more strain on our marriage. right now, i work from home, so he has the luxury of a wife that is at home waiting for him everyday. my day dosen't even really start until he gets home from work.. and then the rest of my day revolves around him. of course, he is my husband, and we have great times together.. i don't mind that all of my time is dedicated to him but, it hurts that i don't have the OPTION to put my time into something else. You already got this response; Get out ASAP. You mentioned in your original post...He's great, if you don't count the temper, control, lack of..... Reread your original post and take a step back. Read the post as if you were another person looking at the couple from the outside. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted April 2, 2009 Share Posted April 2, 2009 I don't understand how people let themselves get into a position where one half of the relationship completely owns and controls the other one. Link to post Share on other sites
Shehe Posted April 3, 2009 Share Posted April 3, 2009 Authoritarian husband !!! Hey, we live in the 21st century and women have opinions, freedom, rights. Your are still young and I do not see how you need to put up with this kind of attitude/behavior. I think you have the answer to your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Chamari Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 Your marriage is fairly new--if you're having problems like this now you need to talk to him about this now instead of waiting for it to get worse. If you don't think you can talk to him about this in a calm way (for both of you) then maybe you should see if you can get him to go to marriage counseling and work it out there. It sounds like you've got major issues going on in your marriage but this is the time to work them out while things are still flexible. If you wait for another year or two the pattern is going to be a lot harder to break than it can be now assuming that you are both willing to work on it. Link to post Share on other sites
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