Why should I still care? What a mess.

[NewSunrise]

OK, BW, pity party is over.

 

Rewiring sounds good, but in practice I don't know how to get there. I don't know what to do.

1. Accept that you can't change her behavior or anyone else. Otherwise, you will always end up where you are now---craptastic.

 

2. Accept that you are not responsible for her choices. The relationship was doomed to begin with. She wants multiple partners. You want ONE woman. Figure the math and what you've got is NOTHING.

 

3. No one wants to feel abandoned, neglected and rejected. Let's face it, we all have beend there. Halle Berry, Uma Thurman, Jennifer Aniston, etc had it worse. Count your lucky stars you're not famous. So your cup is half full, not half empty.

 

4. Learn from this experience and redefine yourself. Figure out why this is happening again. Life is a boomerang. It will keep coming back at you until you get the lesson right. Consider this relationship a lesson. But in order for you to see it as a lesson, it will require you to step back and reasses yourself.

 

5. Then start learning to rewire your thinking. When you start to do this, your behavior will change. Your boundaries come into play. Don't expect to do this overnight.

 

6. Want your balance back? Learn to teach yourself to do the above.

 

7. Learn to be alone---a requirement. This is the greatest fear many people have because they associate it to being lonely, unloved and unwanted. Quite natural because humans are supposed to be social. But this is also how people often get into trouble---jumping from one R to the next. Learning to be alone boils down to understanding who you are, what you want, where you want to be and how to get there.

 

8. Most important----she did you a HUGE favor!

 

One step at a time. That's all you need

[BW007]

Thank you.

[jmargel]

BW, you might be 'single' and not with anyone, however take comfort in knowing your ex is more 'alone' than you are. You can be 'alone' and single, however to be 'alone' and with someone else is even worse.

 

She is trying to find happiness in these other men, and when they don't live upto her extremely high expectations she moves onto the other. Doing this, she will never find the true meaning of 'love'. She has the 'grass is greener on the other side' syndrom. However when she steps in that first pile of dog ****, she just jumps over the next fence.

 

The best way to make her think about what she is doing, is to move on with your life and be happy again. It will eventually come, and when she does notice this not only would her ego suffer but she will realize she's not god's gift to men.

 

I won't come on here and say she's a bad person, she's probably not. However she has continously made bad decisions not only with you but with others. I'm sure many other ex's of hers felt the same way you do right now. One day she might straighten up but she has to want to do this and she needs to realize what she is doing. Until that happens she doesn't want to fix herself and by her refusing counseling that's where she unfortunetly is right now.

[NewSunrise]

Thank you.

You're welcome. And guess what? You didn't even have to make an appointment and waste a dime.

 

BW, you have a great loving generous heart. I sense that you want so much to be loved. We all do. But don't sacrifice and compromise so much of your self-worth and generosity to someone or anyone who is selfish and ill-prepared for a mature relationship.

 

Remember, all things happen with a purpose. You were "supposed" to come across this person because you haven't learned from your past. So take notice this time and learn from this relationship. Take some time for yourself. Regroup and rediscover yourself which we often don't do because we rarely take the time to do it. But this is an opportunity to mature and grow. So that when the person you're meant to be with comes along unexpectedly, all that you have to offer will be appreciated and reciprocated equally.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Yeah I know. It's been a five year relationship and I have not got the vindictiveness going well enough.. In my position that is the healthy response. I have been slowly moving towards it but I am not there yet.

 

Dude... where are your balls?

 

By doing this, she is just passively telling you that she doesn't love you... doesn't want to be with you.

 

In otherwords... YOUR NOT HER # 1 CHOICE!

 

Just end it!

[BW007]

I KNOW IT's OVER. WTF do you want me to do? I have been kicked in the balls. Repeatedly so . The whole reason I have written about any of this is that I am struggling with hate and betrayal and loss. Because I feel f 'in terrible I am a pussy? I know I have been made #3. Godamnit! You want righteous ****ing fury? I have plenty. I'm pissed. I am filled with ****ing hate. I know I did things wrong in the relationship to help it die too, but she gave up. She cheated and lied over and over. I feel f'ing stupid and used and I hate her for doing this. She has glossed over everything and is living happily ever after with guy #3 with no problem and no concern for the wreckage left behind. I cannot stand that she is that frigging hateful and careless with me after all this time.

[NewSunrise]

I KNOW IT's OVER. WTF do you want me to do? I have been kicked in the balls. Repeatedly so . The whole reason I have written about any of this is that I am struggling with hate and betrayal and loss. Because I feel f 'in terrible I am a pussy? I know I have been made #3. Godamnit! You want righteous ****ing fury? I have plenty. I'm pissed. I am filled with ****ing hate. I know I did things wrong in the relationship to help it die too, but she gave up. She cheated and lied over and over. I feel f'ing stupid and used and I hate her for doing this. She has glossed over everything and is living happily ever after with guy #3 with no problem and no concern for the wreckage left behind. I cannot stand that she is that frigging hateful and careless with me after all this time.

OK, BW, scream if you have to just to get it out of your system. Bu take control of you anger and hatred. If you don't it will eat you alive.

 

Look, we ALL and have made choices that aren't right for us. If we didn't we wouldn't be human. It's also natural to criticize ourselves for knowlingly doing things that are not right for us. We do it anyway because we "feel" the need to. But it's also not healthy to beat ourselves for it.

 

Remember, things are not always what they seem. People who reply on LS do so with good intentions. No different than hanging out with your buddies who are not afraid to tell you like it is. Accept that this is exactly what anyone will get coming on LS to post.

 

If you ever get a chance to go to the bookstore, get this book, "In the Meantime". Can't remember the author. My stuff are all in storage as I'm in the middle of buying a house. But this book is enlightening for anyone whose ever been in relationships they're not supposed to be in---that practically makes everyone. It allows you to look at yourself and understand that some relationships are meant to be "in the meantime" and why they are. But understanding why is what this book is about. Consider this relationship as a "meantime" one.

 

Whatever you do, don't jump into another R just to get back at her. If you do, you are no different than her and you're delaying the lesson you're supposed to learn. So use this opportunity to get to know yourself and redefine who you are, what you want in R and grow from it.

 

If you constantly trash yourself, stop it. Replace it with something positive. You gotta do it. For instance, whenever you feel hatred towards her, remember she is as much a human as you are. She is broken. And then take comfort in knowing that she actually did you a favor. Think about it. She did you a favor. Expect greater things ahead. But you gotta believe it.

[jmargel]

I KNOW IT's OVER. WTF do you want me to do? I have been kicked in the balls. Repeatedly so . The whole reason I have written about any of this is that I am struggling with hate and betrayal and loss. Because I feel f 'in terrible I am a pussy? I know I have been made #3. Godamnit! You want righteous ****ing fury? I have plenty. I'm pissed. I am filled with ****ing hate. I know I did things wrong in the relationship to help it die too, but she gave up. She cheated and lied over and over. I feel f'ing stupid and used and I hate her for doing this. She has glossed over everything and is living happily ever after with guy #3 with no problem and no concern for the wreckage left behind. I cannot stand that she is that frigging hateful and careless with me after all this time.

 

Look up the 5 stages of grief, it's something you are going through. Most go through it when a spouse dies or a divorce happens.

 

You will bounce back and forth between emotions however at the end you will find relief and acceptance. Once you reach that stage you know you can move onto something better for yourself. She is self-destructing and like I said before she isn't living the fairy tale life. I can also believe that this new bf is putting up with alot of crap right now with her as well.

 

The focus should not be on what is going on with her and this new guy. It should be with you and setting short term goals to help move yourself past this. We are not asking you to forget her or hate her, but to realize for yourself this is a lesson that most go through unfortunetly and you will pull out of this.

 

Don't let yourself get too far into a rut like I did. It got to the point that I was suicidal. Realize that the reason she left wasn't necessarily because of you, but of problems that are within' herself. She will continue to stray, you can't save her. We know that you want to, but you can't. Trying will just bring more hurt. She has to do this for herself, just like you need to find ways in coping and moving through with this for youself.