Do you ever get the "lost" feeling back?

[Ginger79]

I have posted before. I am in a 5 year relationship with this amazing guy. He's perfect in every way. Smart, generous, a great career, motivated, compassionate towards me, kind...and totally in love with me.

 

I wrote about compatibility issues. I thought about the future with him. I was so in love with him before but I don't know why the feeling is just suddenly gone. There's nothing...not passion... not anything. I don't feel good having sex even though I love kissing and cuddling up to him. We talked about it and began to come with strategies to deal with our incompatibility and work on our strength.

 

However, I still feel like the magic is lost... the feeling is gone. I have been in longer relationships before where the feeling is never lost... and by that I don't mean the headiness of lust in the early stages of the relationship. It's just something. I can't put my finger on it but I feel like something is wrong.

 

I'm been treated for depression and he's so supportive. I just don't know if he's the cause of my depression. I very desperately want the passion back... the certainty that's he's the one I want to marry (I had that 2 years ago but he didn't. Now he wants to get married I don't..is it strange?). He's really good for me. He calms me down, settles me, looks after me. I love caring and loving him as well in my own way. But this is really bothering me and I don't want to be one of those who "walked" away because they are not "in love." That's a little frivolous to me. At the same time, I'm miserable because I don't know why I lost my attraction to him.

 

Right now, I'm giving it all I've got. I'm not even meeting any friends for the time being so I can concentrate on missing him and only having him as my company. Deep down, I keep looking for situations like mine so someone can tell me what to do. I don't know what else I can do. Does any of you who lost the feeling or start to question the certainty of a relationship ever got the conviction back? I'm really confused. Please help!

[taylor]

I have posted before. I am in a 5 year relationship with this amazing guy. He's perfect in every way. Smart, generous, a great career, motivated, compassionate towards me, kind...and totally in love with me.

 

I wrote about compatibility issues. I thought about the future with him. I was so in love with him before but I don't know why the feeling is just suddenly gone. There's nothing...not passion... not anything. I don't feel good having sex even though I love kissing and cuddling up to him. We talked about it and began to come with strategies to deal with our incompatibility and work on our strength.

 

However, I still feel like the magic is lost... the feeling is gone. I have been in longer relationships before where the feeling is never lost... and by that I don't mean the headiness of lust in the early stages of the relationship. It's just something. I can't put my finger on it but I feel like something is wrong.

 

I'm been treated for depression and he's so supportive. I just don't know if he's the cause of my depression. I very desperately want the passion back... the certainty that's he's the one I want to marry (I had that 2 years ago but he didn't. Now he wants to get married I don't..is it strange?). He's really good for me. He calms me down, settles me, looks after me. I love caring and loving him as well in my own way. But this is really bothering me and I don't want to be one of those who "walked" away because they are not "in love." That's a little frivolous to me. At the same time, I'm miserable because I don't know why I lost my attraction to him.

 

 

 

If, after 5 years, you do not want to marry this man, DON'T. This is not the man for you. He may be a great guy, but he is not the one for you. He will make a great husband for someone else, but NOT FOR YOU.

 

He loves you BUT YOU DO NOT LOVE HIM...not ENOUGH and not in the RIGHT way. You VALUE him because you know he is a decent guy and because you know he loves you. But you don't love him enough to marry him.

 

This man is the wrong one for you. You are totally incompatible. That's huge!! Compatibility is essential to a marriage.

 

You can't conform to his way of thinking, his values, his activities, his lifestyle. THAT'S NOT YOU! It's like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. Not going to happen.

 

You are depressed because you are not being true to yourself. You are "ignoring" who you are...you are "losing" your identity...in an effort to make your relationship more compatible. You will never be happy doing this because that is not who you are inside.

 

It also isn't fair to this man to stay with him if you do not love him enough to marry him.

 

Set him free to find someone he is more compatible with.

 

Set yourself free so that you can find someone you are more compatible with and someone with whom you are free to be true to yourself. Find that extroverted guy that love fun in the sun. You will be so much happier now and down the road. And so will the guy you set free.

 

Never settle.

[pkn06002]

Sounds like you are doing the "fake it till you make it" and you are not getting that feeling back. I understand I am in the same situation, it takes active participation from the other party to fill those needs you are not having filled.

 

Go to marriage builders and download the his needs/her needs questionairs. There is something you are missing that is IMPORTANT that is keeping those loving feelings away. Until you figure out what that is DO NOT marry him.

 

Because if you discount the idea of "love" in the relationship and he doesn't you are setting up a situation that is not good. If you start out without that passion, desire etc... it only gets harder once you are married.

[65tr6]

... the feeling is gone.

 

Ginger, if you are going to wait for that feeling to come back...I have news for you. You have a LOOOONNNNNNG wait.

 

And by the way, the cycle will repeat itself with another person. Relationships need constant maintenance, work. You need to continue to meet each others needs.

 

The way I see it. You have two choices...Do it the hard way and work with your man or just give up and leave. The first option is the more difficult one. It almost always starts with you. What YOU can do to bring that feeling(s) back ? As opposed to sitting and waiting and doing nothing about it.

 

The in-love feelings you had with him are gone, dead. They can only last so long. Reality has set in for you. The true work begins now. And please dont even think about blaming him for your depression (unless he was abusive). It directly contradicts with what you said above about him being Smart, generous, a great career, motivated, compassionate. You even used the word "perfect" in every other way.

[jj33]

Could it be that you felt rejected by the fact that he didnt want to marry you 2 years ago (after 3 years if someone doesnt want to marry you I would have walked if I wanted marriage but there you go) and that your feeling has eroded?

 

Im not saying that is the cause of the depression but it would have to be a real slap in the face that after 3 years he said no I am not sure this is what I want. It would cause you to step back a bit emotionally I would think.

[carhill]

Let him go

 

Work on yourself

 

You may find each other again

[Trialbyfire]

Could it be that you felt rejected by the fact that he didnt want to marry you 2 years ago

I think this question is key although if depression set in due to his inability to commit, you have to wonder how solid you are inside.

 

I can see why it would have an impact on being in love. When someone isn't where you need them to be emotionally, most people will start withdrawing, for the purposes of self-protection. Most of the time, it's not even conscious action.

 

As for rebuilding, I'm uncertain why you would keep fighting a losing battle. Good enough isn't enough.

 

If you're battling depression that got triggered due to his inability to commit, settling is the worst thing you could do. While this might not be you, someone who needs so much external validation is the type of person to cheat, if they're unhappy with their relationship.

 

Do both of you a favour. Time to move on.

[Constantine]

If you dont love him, dont marry him. Its not fair on any of you.

Marrige isnt something you should do to please him or as a "favour" to him. Marrige is something you should do if both of you really want it.

[Stung]

well, now, wait. maybe i missed something in the original post, but i have a question. many people seem to be advising you to leave because of the depression, but...which came first? did you start undergoing treatment for depression, and then start to lose 'that old feeling' for your partner? are you on medication?

 

speaking as someone who was on various medications for depression for several years under supervision of, sad to say, something of a quack, i have to point out that psychoactive medication can make HUGE changes in how you process and experience your emotions...and not always for the better.

[Photographer]

Okay, so this may not be the answer you are looking for... but this is my experience, so take it for what it is. I was married the first time to an incredibly sweet man. I married him because he really took care of me. I saw how he stayed by my side when I had a spine surgery which took a year to recover from. He would cook, clean, take care of me for every other surgery I had. But, there was no spark. I still loved cuddling with him and being close, but even our honeymoon was aweful. By 5 years in, I was looking for every excuse in the book. I thought there must be something wrong with my hormones.

 

But there was nothing wrong with me.. it's just that I married someone who I never was totally attracted to. My current husband, who drives me crazy in other ways, I am 100% attracted to. Even when he's being an A$$ I still want to get naked all the time with him.

 

That being said, sometimes depression and anti-depressants can cause a libido problem. So, if you at one time had that feeling for him, it could be medicinal side effects. The bottom line is: DO NOT get married until you are 100% sure you can live without that spark ever coming back. I couldn't and it really gave husband #1 the short stick. I never fulfilled him in the ways that I should have as his wife and I always in the back of my mind thought about what would happen if we weren't together.

 

Hope this helps and good luck with the depression.

[Ginger79]

The depression is now. I'm haunted by a lot of things. For the last 11 years, I haven't been single, not once. Got out of an abusive relationship straight into the arms of this sweetheart. And then there's the huge stress of medical school, I felt like I couldn't cope. And my mom died of a violent death years ago but I've never address it. It's just all coming to the surface. And I've lost the attraction to him because we stopped doing fun things together... it's not like we did heaps before, anyway, coz I didn't know how to draw the introvert out then. I thought to accept someone is not to FORCE them to do anything they don't want to do... now I am looking tricks and strategies to help draw this charming guy out to have some fun!

 

When i said I didn't know he was the cause the my depression, I didn't meant it that way. I could see how it's read. I think what I meant was I didn't know if the relationship is the cause of my depression because something is wrong. But we are working on it! I'm putting the whole nine yards. I admit I trying to fake it till I make it but there are some rare days when I felt like I absolutely LOVE HIM! Especially when I think about the shared history between us. So Maybe the romantic love is still there and I'm just blinded by the stresses of med school, the new social life I'm building around myself, and my search to find out who I am as I've always been So and So girlfriend for the last 11 years!!!!!

 

As for committment, it wasn't fair of me to want to get married 3 years ago. I was only 26 and he was 23. He was in med school, I was doing something else. It felt right then, though, but he had been taught to never get married until he's 30. He's never believe in marriage but he said for me, he will because I'm worth it. That really touched my heart. And he stood by my emotional outbursts, my anxieties... everything. I stood by him when he was really anxious and down as well. The things we've given up for one another... they are not things to throw away.

 

I don't want anyone to think that I've not been a committed partner. I truly believe I am. I have many chances to cheat or validate myself outside this relationship but I never did. I always go home to him and if another guy tries to get too close, I cut him out of my life. He's amazing with my family, my friends and everyone's a fan of his. Everyone's on the side of our relationship working, so am I.

 

Maybe it's just a phase. Is 1.5 years too long for a down phase? I don't know. I feel like I'm too old to start again as well, being all of 29, and as karma would have it, I'll probably leave this relationship to find someone exactly like him! hahahaha. I've started counsellng and anti-anxiety/depressant medication. Maybe that would help.

[Justanotherschmuck]

Leave him and you'll regret it the rest of your life. Youre equating love with lust or infactuation. You described a perfect life partner. Your looking for a love story.

 

You may be a rare lucky one and find the storybook romance. But more likely you'll find someone who sweeps you off your feet, drop dead gorgeous (you never did say you thought this guy as handsome, did you?) exciting. You settle down and YOU START LOOKING FOR ALL THE QUALITIES that you found boring with this guy. ANd they won't be there. ANd THEN, AND ONLY THEN you will come to realize that you GROSSLY underestimated the importance of the comfort this man gave you.

 

You want exciting? Fine, but be prepared.

[capecod]

Hi Ginger. I just read your post and I wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I can relate to what you have written on so many levels. I am going through something very similar in my marriage right now, we've been married for 5 1/2 years and it's been 3 years that I've felt like this, felt this emptiness, that something is missing, has changed, is different. I have also been very depressed about it, I went on Citalopram for depression/anxiety for a year 2 years ago, it just made me feel numb so I stopped. I have gained 30 pounds over the past 2 years, and feeling just generally "lost". I just wanted to say that although I don't have any advice to give you as I'm in the same boat, I just wanted you to know that you're not crazy and you're not alone.

All the best to you, and I hope you find what it is your looking for very soon.

x

[boldjack]

Ginger, Those people who tell you to leave are being short-sighted . What you should do is communicate your concerns to your BF and BOTH of you deal with the depression, First, because it is clouding your judgement and perception. Once the depression is more under control, then work on getting the magic back in your relationship. It most certainly CAN be done, if both of you are willing to work at it. Good LUck

[Ginger79]

Hi guys,

 

Thanks for the messages. Capecod, I wish you all the best. Sometimes I think we feel down because we know something needs to be done about our lives but we are just too afraid to do it. Or that we are trying to reconcile what we want with what we have. Maybe the key is just be content and see the good side in everything and everyone. You said you're lost, Capecod. Have you tried doing something new or pursuing some new project that is just yours alone so you can reclaim your individuality and perhaps bring something new to the table in your relationship with your husband? I think in LTR, we run the risk of losing ourselves because everything is teamwork and we feel selfish for wanting to do our own stuff. But once we lose our individuality, we lose that side of us which fell in love with our partner and which made our partner fall in in love with us.

 

I'm seeing this psychologist. And he said i'm feeling down and anxious because "what I want" is not reconciling with "what I THINK I need" or "what I have". That can cause a lot of internal conflicts. I must admit that I have a desperate urge to be single and to be free of responsibility because there are many things I'll like to do which might not be congruent with what he wants to do... And I came to a fearful conclusion that maybe I would like to do what he wants to do but I don't want to do it with him because I feel like I'm not connecting with him. It's all on my side. He has nothing to do it and is an absolute angel about it. I also find myself attracted to other guys for the first time in my relationship (no cheating involved, no EA or getting close to them. I just think they are cute to look at). It got me questioning. I'm the sort of person who believe in true love because my parents had such a horrid divorce which led to my mom's manic depression etc. etc. and I don't want to find the wrong person to settle down with, ie., someone like my dad! I know my SO will be faithful, until I'm mean to him (in his own words). Well, I've been narky lately and stuff and he hasn't left!

 

Well, he's in town this weekend and I'm not going to 2 parties to just spend time with him. Wish me luck! I really want to love him the way he loves me and it is causing me stress. I know about the feelings/ true love thing but I feel like I'm only 29. I don't want to spend the next 50 years of my life trying to recapture passion with this one guy just because he's such an amazing person and would make a really good partner (he'll be snapped up in 5 minutes if he ever release himself from this relationship.) I also wonder if I'm not willing to leave because he's faithful, loyal, devoted, makes good money and SOOOOOO intelligent.

 

I know we are supposed to want we have got and be content. Having thoughts or desires contrary to what our situation should make us think or feel is made even more difficult when the SO is such an angel and is doing everything possible to show his love (except compromising himself). We feel like something is wrong with us and we can't leave for trivial reasons and desires so we have to keep trying.

 

At what point do I stop trying? I'm having intrusive thoughts about wishing desperately for him to cheat or do something drastic that would be a dealbreaker for me so I can be single again, concentrate on med school and do whatever I want after med school without having to consider the needs of someone else. For example, if I stay with him and want to pursue a highly specialised specialty, it will be impossible as he is, currently, dead sent on becoming a small town doctor. In his own way, he often imply that my attraction towards those specialities are stupid because they are extremely difficult to get in and so I should just settle for being a rural doctor as that what the country needs and so I'll get in easy (he's always logical about it, not verbally abusive or anything. He's never verbally abusive but sometimes he jokes about my wanting to go out and socialize as "gay" or my favorite tv shows as "gay" and it gets me down. He knows how I feel and is now apologetic about it). I think I have spent 5 years doing what he likes to do (he goes away to a faraway town for a year because he wants to experience something different and when it's my turn now to want to do something different, he tells me to go somewhere close to where he wants to go...I have no desire to go to that "somewhere close"). And I fear that if we go to a small town, there'll be fewer people with whom I can connect with to share my interests with and there'll only be him!! And he doesn't share my taste in music or tv shows or going out to sleep on the beach etc. So who the hell can I share my interests with? Do I really have to find a common ground now with him or be content to just stay at home with him, or be happiest doing my own stuff while still being with him?

 

That's the core of the resentment.

 

I have rant about it so many times! I really want a resolution. I'm focusing on being content. But at the same time I'm confuse about these two terms:

 

"Wanting what you got" and "He's perfect.. just not perfect for you." Does this mean we should always stick to whoever we have chosen, say 4 years ago, because we should want what we've got? But what if we find out that they are not perfect for us? How do we know? If happiness comes from within ourselves and others cannot make us happy, why even have a partner? Or why be picky about "the one" or "who's perfect for you"?" Just any person walking down the street would do, wouldn't he/she? I don't know. All I know is I'm planning a romantic picnic this Saturday, taking precious time out of my studies. I hope he bites and not want to sit on the couch and play Xbox or something.

[julio2]

Hey Ginger,

 

I understand kinda how you feel. I'm kinda going through a similar thing. Do you think stress is a big part of how you feel? Also, I think part of your resentment is doing what he wants to do. You need to have your own life and hobbies, interests of your own.

 

Love yourself first. Love is about compromise. He needs to compromise as well.

 

Have you communicated how you feel? That's my issue, we both haven't... Perhaps pre-marital counseling? There have been some really good books referenced in these forums that are worth checking out as well.

 

good luck!

[Ginger79]

He came back home for the weekend from his work assignment. I prepared a picnic lunch and we had a good time. It's not the kind of "fun" I envisaged but I decide to let things slide coz they are so trivial (like I want to have a blanket and lie down on the grass with him, feed the ducks and stuff but we ended up on a table in the shade. Risk of melanoma and sunspots with the sun.)

 

I do miss him now that he's gone but I cannot shake the feeling that I am still unsatisfied with the relationship. I think my life outside him is very fulfilled. When he's back, I feel intensely stressed up... so much so that I can't have sex with him. It stresses me so much, I'm in so much pain and I'm not aroused. But I'm looking forward to after the exams.

[Ginger79]

Is it wrong to break up with a long-term partner of 5 years if we are not engaged or married because I just can't do it anymore?

 

I came to the realization that I do love him, that I do miss him, but I don't want a relationship right now. I want to choose me. I feel utterly lost and I'm not sure about what I want.

 

And I've been comparing my situation to women who are in marriages with kids. I feel like there's an obligation to stay.

 

However, we talked today on the phone and he was so sweet. He assured me that he truly loves me and even though he's tired, he'll talk to me tommorow so I can tell him all about me. I'm so torn apart. I feel like I am at this junction where I either get him to marry me right away so I can just close all options about my own life and just be contend with him or I could walk out and figure things out. I don't want to be half-hearted in a relationship but I can't help the way I feel!

[Nikki Sahagin]

If the only thing missing is sex, then I would stay with him and see what can be done. There may be many reasons why the sex is not right. You need to explore these. However, if it becomes clear to you that the sex isn't going to become better, then you need to decide whether it is more important for you to find a partner who you can have all this with AND the sex, or to remain with your partner. It is a gamble to leave; you may find it, you may not. Again I think its that clash between wanting security and comfort and also wanting excitement and desire. Sometimes it is hard to balance and can be lost.

[Chinook]

Okay Ginger, read your thread from the start.

 

You've built this man into your head into being the 'perfect' partner. Fact is, he isn't. There are red flags all over this thing. One of the issues is that your expectations of yourself in this relationship are totally unrealistic. It should not be this hard. Yes, it takes work. But it should not be this type of hard.

 

Fact is, surreptitiously, covertly.... he is controlling you and because you have two facets guiding you, you can't do what you feel is right and break up with him. On the one hand you have a significant fear of failure - you feel that you should be 'content' with what you have and because you're not content, you see yourself as failing in this relationship. On the other hand, you want the perfect storybook ending (because that's success) and you know that he has the potential to fulfil that role - except you also know that he has flaws which you are either subconsciously or deliberately overlooking.

 

Fact: His year away to gain experience was important - to him.

Fact: His opinion of being a rural Dr is important - to him.

Fact: He was tired but wanted to talk to you and tell you he loved you. Him again.

Fact: Your ideals and issues which are important to you conflict with his. Him again.

Fact: Your opinion of being a rural Dr not being what you want - conflicts with his ideals. Him again.

Fact: He will talk to you tomorrow so you can tell him about you - at his convenience. Excuse me...? Did he really do that...? Red flag.

 

You have totally submerged yourself in this man and in this relationship and it happened gradually over time so that you didn't see it. Now, you can see it, you feel suffocated and need to get out. The passion you felt at the beginning was exactly the chemical reaction which allowed you to overlook these flaws in the relationship. That has been prolonged due to your innate ability to bury stuff. I would say you have wasted enough time 'trying'.

[Ginger79]

I don't think he's controlling... I think he's trying to live his life and have what he wants while trying to accomodate both our needs... And because he's the one who became a doctor first, it's more convenient for me to follow suit.

 

But I agree. I think I have submerged myself in him. I have been disappointed a few times in the past by him but at the same time, he's too great a guy. I have really nothing bad to say about him.

 

I get so frighten because the people he doesn't like have similar characteristics to me... social, loud, show-offs, likes attention. He's too nice to control me. I do get to whatever I want..I just don't it with him. It gets quite annoying sometimes... it's like a constant choice of to have fun or be with him. And like I said, I fear that I'm letting go of a good guy and karma will bite me and I'll end up with a nasty one again. So many relationships problems here and I think mine are so trivial it's not even worth talking about. Lots of women here will probably kill to have my boyfriend!!!! Who doesn't want to date a competent doctor?

 

Oh, about the call thing... he was really tired. Doctors have LONG hours and it's a very emotionally draining job. But he still called to say Hi so I won't be lonely. He knows I'm very fragile right now, with exams and the stress of uni.

 

The strange thing is... every guy here seems to be so mean to girls like me who lost the loving feeling. They assume it must be because we are cheating. I felt so judged, like I'm doing something wrong. I don't want any other guys. And I think my guy is amazing. I'm trying to contend coz that's probably my problem... chasing a perfection. But I can't help feeling what I feel. I think I can have a good future with him and just be pissed off once in a while if the social/ fun activities don't happen. Not going to happen much anyway once I become a rural doctor. I can risk being alone for the rest of my life coz I don't have much to offer (not super gorgeous, brainy or rich), or settle with someone else who is even a worse match. God! I'm such a pessimist!!! I see no happy endings either way. And my dad is dying for a grandson. Maybe I should just force him to marry me now, have a baby and be resigned to whatever life brings me at that point.