Sister-in-law From Hell-please Help!

[Need Support]

Please no mean responses, I am very aware of being empathetic, and not being involved with the in-laws, etc. despite what my husband is going through. I am open to logical & emotional responses/stories that aren't attacking. I've gotten enough of that from this person you're about to hear about.

 

My sister in Law is the in law from hell. I need some help. I'd like to do some "not-so-nice things" to her. She is a manipulative deceitful person. I have never said anything to attack her person- yet she does it to me so naturally. She bitched to me about how her relationship with my husband (her older brother) was lacking, and she didn't know what to do, (in retrospect-she said, blah, blah, blah, woe is me, bitch & moan, cry, cry, cry). So I made an effort to make sure she knew that she was cared about. In simple emails, asking how she was, etc. from both my husband & I. She comes home from school, and my husband & I make an effort to reach out to all the younger siblings, and she attacks me. I didn't even want to talk to her, she's the one that was sobbing to me... NOW that he didn't do things the "right way" or spend time doing exactly what she thinks is "quality time" she puts it on me. Well, X is not spending time, that sucks, or "that's stupid". She reverts to acting like a five year old. WHat is disturbing & amusing is that the youngest sibling is more mature & reasonable than she is, and Never acted like that towards us or her parents. I get the bad end because, I asked her if she needed her space. It was a reasonable question since she was acting like a passive aggressive baby, and my husband was sick of getting whiny comments & dirty looks. She went all psycho and even though we HAD a decent relationship with the other younger siblings, she brainwashed them to believing these stupid ideas about how she's a total victim (her whole entire life) and that I and Robert, BUT ESPECIALLY ME, is a total bastard/evil person. Both my husband & I had a good relationship with the younger ones, but because they (the crazy sil & the other two) are all closer in age and have had time to spend together (we had to leave to the east coast) things were left with her being petty and dragging the younger ones into the mix and saying horrible things and blaming me for things that I wanted nothing to do with. Now, as always my husband feels like he's never had siblings, and she continues to be self-absorbed, self-righteous. The thing is that it is hard to be adult about something when somebody is attacking you falsely and TWISTS EVERYTHING you say in a disgusting web of lies. Everyone says she's immature and angry, but it doesn't make it right. On our going away party, she gives him a "gift", screaming it like a little girl "open it, open it" it was junk that was lying around the house that belonged to him. AND the biggest blow, there was a letter and he picks it up, she says "don't read it yet" she says it loud over and over until she runs out of the house to go to a family friends house.

 

THAT LETTER? Basically, declared her hatred and resentment for my husband, and calling me all these despicable things. This was the lovely last impression upon which we left our hometown. So I was livid. Taking people's advice, I tried to be mature about it and write her an email to not only express my apologies for any wrongs, but making sure that her feelings were valid (even though, now I see, that just feeds her anger, she thrives on creating feelings of guilt in her family) which she interpreted as kissing her ass and more BS... as you soon will read. Now I see, No adult, her parents, family friends, or brother has set her straight, she has no perspective of the life difficulties that everyone else around her has had to endure but her own. She thinks and writes that I wanted her to read the message to her friends-WHICH IS INSANE. I told her that I didn't care who read it, and her friends could all read it if they wanted, because I had NOTHING TO HIDE!!!!!! This is so crazy, I feel like we are talking two different languages. I am at my wits end, and I have been more than reasonable, this is pure insanity rising up in this entry, so please excuse me if I don't paint a balanced picture of the situation. THat was my first fault in the first place, empathizing with this family. This is what I get for supporting my husband? NO i didn't claim to know anything, understand anyone's family, or wishing for another family-because I have my own set of loving siblings already... She doesn't understand that I was acting in conjunction with him and not a sole entity. Apparently reacting in a mature & calm manner towards her behavior just made her even more furious, and it's hard to take when I cannot say anything, and just smile & go on as if everything is normal when people say horrible things about you. No other place in my life would I let that fly. FYI, I know it doesn't matter but it drives me insane that she can write something that she knows absolutely nothing about. I am VERY CLOSE to my family. She is just very petty and vindictive.

 

Please, if you can give me any support or share your story (& how you dealt with it) as a part of this loveshack message board, I really need it. I am a decent person. Holidays are coming up and we want to pay respect to at least his grandparents & parents, I don't want these feelings & thoughts re-surging into my blood NOW OR EVER. Should he do anything? He's written her off. She's been in the "hate & anger" stage of her life for 7 YEARS NOW. Basically, I feel like the fall guy for my husband's attempts ( & my failed support) to become closer to a group of siblings who are too young to see some very WRONG things being committed by the second oldest. I now know what he means when he says he has felt like an only child his whole life. This gap in thought/ maturity takes them a decade to catch up to where he is developmentally/emotionally. That's a bit long to wait for. I need to create that closure for myself, but I need some help, from people that have been there, and have come out OK.

 

Soon after receiving that pleasant letter at our going away party, we moved across the country, (and let her lord? mock?taunt?BS {can't find right word} over relationship with the younger siblings over us) and talking to others about bringing resolution, I wrote her a message. Here is my message and her response.

 

To give a little anonymity, I have used fictional names, but the messages are authentic.

 

MY MESSAGE:

 

I tried to get to know you when you don't want to get to know me. I've been dancing around trying to email/IM to let you know. It had preoccupied my mind. And your message gave me the opportunity to go through writing to you. I am sorry GiGi. That's what I've wanted to say all along. Now I've said it, Now I can move on knowing that you know I'm truly sorry for anything and everything I have ever done. Thank you again for giving me that motivation to write to you. Good luck with everything. I know you'll do so well in your life.

 

 

If you didn't understand that message, these months out here in _---- has made me think about you, and contemplating telling you my feelings. Your script you sent out in your profile was a funny message to all your friends reading your profile, but to me-It was a fateful message, it really made me realize that that is exactly what i was doing. I was trying to have a relationship with someone who wanted nothing to do with me. And I overstepped my boundaries. I would wake occassionaly and say, I'm going to IM GiGi to tell her. I hope that is clearer. It was an epiphany. Your message was like a mirror n my life.

 

 

HER RESPONSE:

 

Contessas,

 

 

I've been busy over here and haven't had sufficient time to think about how to reply to your oh-so-insightful message. But then I figured that I shouldn't have to think about what I want to write. It should just come to me naturally - no fake ****.

 

 

First of all, what you did was childish. IMing me and telling me that you were doing it so that all my friends could read what you had to say - that's just immature. And because you said that, I DID let all my friends read it.

 

 

Second of all, I don't see why you're apologizing. It seems to me as if you just want to make me feel bad and guilty. I don't. The only thing I feel bad about is that Robert may be hurt by this.

 

Thirdly, it's not that I did not want to be your friend. I just felt that you were trying too hard to make a family out of us when you didn't even have a close relationship with your own family - like you were using us to compensate for the lack of familial closeness in your life. That in itself pushed me away from you, and then from Robert. Why couldn't you just be chill about it and let things happen naturally? Todd, Tara, and I are sufficiently close to each other, but we weren't always. The only reason we are so close now is that we've lived with each other for years and years and have gone through tons of pain, suffering, and joys together. With Robert, not as close, but enough that we weren't uncomfortable around him. Now, (I can't speak for Todd or Tara but for myself) even though I want to talk to Robert, I just can't.

 

 

And, yes you did overstep your boundaries. I accept you as a sister-in-law, but only that. I'm willing to start our relationship over, as long as you don't try to push things too quickly and unnaturally.

 

 

That's all I have to say regarding that.

 

 

& Robert(I know you're probably reading this over Contessas's shoulder or whatnot) I just want to let you know that although you may hate me right now, I don't hate you. But however you choose to feel towards me, that's your own perogative. There's just so much that I've been feeling that I wish I could tell you ...but can't. Hopefully, one day....

[quankanne]

boy, that one sounds absolutely psychotic!

 

okay, now take a deep breath. And then tell yourself that you don't have to put up with anymore of her bullsh*t. Block her from your IM and your email until she's capable of an adult relationship, not a juvenile one that reeks of junior high drama.

 

You've made your apologies for something you're not sure that's happened, and to me, that's going above and beyond. Now the ball is in her court, and if she continues to react this way -- being two-faced and always making herself the victim -- let her. BUT, don't be afraid to walk up to her and tell her face to face that you think she's full of it, that you don't appreciate it and she needs to grow the hell up. (just be sure to get witnesses, preferably your in-laws, that way she can't spin a story about you attacking her for no good reason.)

 

I think a lot of families have someone like that, and the best way to handle a that kind of relative (because inevitably, you're going to have to put up with it a lot) is to cut them off at the source. Tell your husband how you feel about the situation, then advise him that you're not interested in playing games anymore because you prefer to act like the adult you are. I realize that will probably cause some problems, but if you're willing to stick to your guns, do it. Someone has to be the sane, rational adult in the situation, and it looks like it's going to have to be you. Don't give her anymore power to make you miserable, okay?

 

I've caught hell from my parents for avoiding a particular whiny-assed, lying jerk of a brother, but I told them I just don't have the mental energy to be in a relationship with someone like that when I've got my hands full with personal issues. I don't wish him ill ... but I don't encourage any contact because I'm not interested in playing his game.

 

good luck, and keep us posted,

quank