FH Stressed Because My Parents Harrass Us

[sunny20]

I am getting married in August to my wonderful FH and my parents have told me that they want me to be with someone else because he is not good enough for me. Of course that hurt him and now he can't focus on anything because he is too stressed out. I know that parents usually say that kind of stuff to their daughter when they aren't ready to let go, but they also told him that I wasn't good enough for him. I don't think they realize that we tell each other what they say because their stories change depending on who they talk to. My mom says she is so ashamed that she refuses to tell anyone she knows. You are probably wondering what on earth is so horrible about my FH that they would be ashamed of him? Well, it's really nothing to do with him. He is a decent man, he is almost out of college and 24. He will be an Air Force Intelligence Officer by the time we get married and supporting me completely while I finish graduate school. My parents don't know him very well because we live six hours away and the last time he came to visit their house they kicked him out because they said he was "trying to take me away from them". In reality, he had gotten called into work and had to drive back down to where we live so he could go. All he asked was that I come with him...I only had one day left to visit my parents before I had to go back to school but they told me that I had to stay for that day (which meant waking up at 5am so I could get back in time). Now that we are getting married, all of this is culminating into constant pressure. My mom wants me to sign a prenup between me and my parents so that I know what I am "giving up by marrying him". My mom's friends contact me now "offering advice". I know for a fact that even though her friends waited to get married (some of them were 50), every one of them has cheated on her husband and is unhappy. How am I supposed to take advice from people about marriage who obviously are just unhappy with their own? I just hate seeing my usually funny, happy fiance dragged down by my overprotective parents. He hardly talks and jumps every time my phone rings. He has dealt with a lot from them from day one and has been strong for me while I was having a complete meltdown and I think that it has just gotten to be too much for him. I know that this is exactly what they want to happen...by putting pressure on us we will eventually break and leave one another because it's just easier that way. But I know that won't work and I have tried to convey to them that even though they are working hard to keep this from happening, all they are really doing is making us unhappy with them.

[2sure]

I have to tell you - something is outrageous here. In a previous thread you said your parents had issued death threats against your FH.

Now you're saying that they want a Pre-Nup between you & them. That doesnt exist and doesnt make sense.

 

For the sake of conversation, lets assume your parents are in fact insane.

What is it exactly that they are telling you you are giving up by marrying him??

[jasmine5904]

Wow, were your parents this overprotective when you were living with them? If an Air Force Intelligence Officer isn't good enough for you, what exactly do they expect? For you to marry the president?!

 

If I were in your situation, I would elope. Then I would announce my marriage and plan a big reception. And I would tell my parents that they're welcome to come to the party, but only if they are civil and polite to my new husband.

 

If you truly love him and want to get married, your parents need to respect that and support you in your decision.

[BlackLovely]

I am the only daughter in a family of six. My parents view me as rebellious because I moved out when I was 21. I couldn't date until I was 18 and I was forced to learn how to cook. My brothers never went through any of this.

I'm engaged and my parents are pissed off that my fiance and I won't allow them to pay for the wedding. They want a huge formal spectacle while we only want a very intimate wedding. If we allow my parents to control the wedding,that sends the message that my parent's wishes rule our marriage. I realize that my husband are a separate, family of two.

I'm just trying to show you that you need to set limits with old fashioned and overprotective parents. I agree with the excellent eloping idea.

[andwhoknew]

All he asked was that I come with him...I only had one day left to visit my parents before I had to go back to school but they told me that I had to stay for that day (which meant waking up at 5am so I could get back in time).

 

Sounds like you're not an adult yet. They told you you "had" to stay? And then what did you do? Meekly say, "Yes mum"? This isn't even about him or the wedding, it's about you allowing your parents to control you and now standing by watching them trying to control your future family.

 

When you're ready to cut the apron strings and face your parents as a united front with your fiance, maybe then you should get married. Sounds like you're still under your parents rule, no wonder you and your intended are feeling pressure.

[Scottdmw]

I really feel for you, having been on the receiving end of a very similar situation. My ex-fiancé's parents were acting much as you describe yours acting. Much of what they said never made sense to me at least, the only thing that I was sure of was that they really, really didn't want me to marry their daughter. It seemed to me like they were controlling in a lot of other ways too, for example even though she was 26 they would tell her when she was allowed to go on vacations and things like that. They would criticize most decisions my ex-fiancé made.

 

In the end, they got their wish and broke us up.

 

If you feel like this is the man you want to marry, I would encourage you wholeheartedly to stay firm to that. As far as I can tell, some parents just do have the overprotective instinct, an instinct which is beyond rational thought or reasons. You can't argue them out of it. They feel what they feel, and you have to accept that, but you don't have to go along with it. It seems like in many cases even parents like this do eventually accept the marriage once it happens, and if grandchildren ever come into the picture will even forget that they were ever against it. Sometimes it almost felt like a test, like nature's way of making sure a couple is really serious or something.

 

If you do go ahead with a non-elopement wedding, I would suggest trying to plan it yourselves if possible. In our case, we ended up with three different wedding dates in different churches and halls, because we kept trying to change to please her parents. Any decisions that we made, or even that we made after consulting them, were turned into arguments. They never really got any happier even when we gave them their way, but we got less happy every time. I would suggest figuring out what you want, trying to get support from as many members of your extended family as you can, and not changing or moving back on any decisions once they're made.

 

I would also suggest trying your best to be calm and nonconfrontational when talking about these kind of decisions. Just say what you and your fiancé have decided to do, give short explanations of reasons if they want, but don't get dragged into long discussions. Especially don't let them push your buttons and get you angry about it. Easier said than done, I know.

 

I wish you the best.

 

Scott

[LucreziaBorgia]

What I would say? "My FH isn't take me away from you. I AM TAKING MYSELF AWAY FROM YOU."

 

Honestly, in your place I would go NC with my parents - treat the situation the same as if they had died, cut them out of your life, and get your husband to make sure they can't track you down and then start a new life.

 

Get some counseling to get you through the loss, but by all means - do not let your parents manipulate and control you any more. Life is too short to live it for someone else.