Why is it so hard?

[4givrnt4gtr]

Long story short. Bf of 3 months (but first met him about 4 years ago, and starting hanging out with about 6 months ago) is moving about 7 hours away. He is going away to school and knew this when we started dating. However he said he couldnt pass up the opportunity to be with me since he liked me since we first met.

Anyway I told him that i would date him however i needed to know that this wasnt just a fling. At first he reassured me that it wasnt and if things were great we could consider doing LDR while he is away and I finish my own schooling.

WEll last week he was in a particularly negative, bad mood. We started talking about him leaving and he said he didnt know what it would mean to us. (He is leaving in about 5 months)

I told him what I would imagine could be our situation. We would only be away for 10 months (ok maybe that its a bit long but ive heard worst) and in those 10 months we can visit at least once a month. Plus being in school we both will be busy and so we wouldnt have to worry about "being" with each other until the weekends when we get to meet.

At first he seemed to be ok with the idea but then, out of nowhere he said he didnt think it would work. That it would be too hard and he is going to be too busy with school. That he might prefer being single while he is out there.

Right there i told him that if that was the case then there wasnt any reason to continue with this. As I was already getting attached to him, continuing until he left and then just end it would hurt be very much.

 

So that night we decided we needed to end it. He was very sad and confessed he didnt know what he wanted in reality and wasnt even sure that how he imagined it would be how it would actually be. Still he was very confused, so i left.

 

A few days later he called me, we talked and he said he felt our relationship was too awesome to let it die like that, just because he was afraid he couldnt be the perfect boyfriend i deserve. That he was afraid he was going to be too busy but what if he wasnt? what if he had given me up for nothing? HE said that he felt i wanted to fight for us and he realized he was trying to protect me by saying he didnt want to even try. However he also realized that by not trying he was always going to wonder "what if", especially since we've been so good together so far.

 

In any case he said he had decided to give it a try if it comes down to having a long distance. This makes me very happy, and so we got back together, and though I realize its gonna be somewhat difficult, I cant clearly see how or why is it so dramatically hard.

 

Now...though i see the difficulty of not being able to be with your SO whenever you want, at the drop of a hat, what else could pose a problem?

 

I mean, I know I will be seeing him at least once a month, and talk to him at least once a day. Also, its only going to be 10 months, and then Im going to be going to where he is.

 

I guess what im saying is that I dont think im seeing the full reality of LDR apparently.

Can someone explain to me why is it so hard and why so many people decide to give up half way thru??

[KikiW]

Well, I may have just answered a lot of that in this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2115628&postcount=11

 

I understand if you won't be able to be in contact as much as my LDR and I are, but you both need to be committed, keep your eyes on the ball, and make sure to communicate as much as you can.

 

LDRs ARE hard. You don't hear from the other when you want to and suddenly these strange feelings come up... Is he thinking about me? Is he just busy studying? Is he at a strip bar trying to feel up a hooker because he's already realized that the LDR isn't going to work and just hasn't told me yet?

 

Yes, i typed that for a laugh, but don't be surprised if it crosses your mind. The important thing is that you TALK about that kind of thing. you both should feel comfortable enough to talk about your fears and insecurities, talk about ways you can help each other stay happy and focused.

 

you will discover complications you can't see right now, but as long as you two are able to talk about those complications and find ways to deal with them together, you will be able to get through your time apart.

[LonelyTiger]

Well this is my take on it - others may disagree.

 

Two people meet, they like each other, they get to know each other and if they live nearby they spend time together and grow closer and it becomes a relationship. With a LDR it isn't quite that simple.

 

We all have needs - physical and emotional. When the person we're in a relationship with satisfies a lot of our needs (not all of them because this isn't possible) and we do the same for them, then the relationship is likely to be successful, long term and may lead to marriage. If important needs aren't being met, for either person, the relationship probably won't work for long.

 

If two people are living a long way apart then some of those important needs may not be met. In a LDR you can maintain emotional closeness by talking on the phone, texting, emailing, skype, webcam etc and you can still 'be there' for each other.

 

However, you can't be physically close. So that means, no hugs, no kisses, no sex, no going out for meals or drinks or to the cinema, no walks in the park on a sunny day, no cosy nights in (or whatever it is you like to do together) and that's MOST of the time. This can be a HUGE sacrifice if you're the sort of person who NEEDS these things.

 

In my opinion LDRs can only work if both people are 100% committed to a future together.

 

Why would you give up so much for a 'maybe'?

 

It sounds as though you are both young and the relationship is still very new. If even one of you isn't sure then once you're apart there is a real danger that you will start looking for the things you are missing - and if you can find them closer to home.... end of LDR.

 

Having said that, if you decide to go for it, just make sure that you keep the lines of communication open. Talk, talk and talk some more. You will probably have times when you're wondering what you've let yourself in for but if you both want a future together you can make it work.

[Bearandsue]

Ten months apart......see each other once per month......I'd give my arm and leg for that....lol. My SO and I see each other about 2 times per year. Sometimes three if we are lucky. We talk every single day if possible.

 

Hardships that may come up in my opinion. Feelings of loneliness and depression, if you have an argument it sucks because you do it over the phone and the is no hug and kiss make up. Little stuff like that can really add up. But as I said 10 months should be a cake walk and seeing that you have some definite plans ahead. You have nothing to worry about. I think a little distance in a relationship helps you appreciate each other more.

[BlueEyedGirl]

I don't want to be the voice of doom but it looks like your relationship has very little chance of surviving. I have read your other threads about his ex, low sex drive, FB etc and they all point to deeper problems. Personally I think that LDR is the least of your worries. It looks like you are WAY more emotionally invested than he is. You will now be walking on eggshells in case he decides to break up again. To survive LDR you need a strong foundation and your R doesn't appear to have one. This is all very easy to see from an objective, deattached standpoint but I know that walking away from someone you love is next to impossible.

[4givrnt4gtr]

Blueeyed I totally hear what you are saying...

 

I dont know if we're gonna do that for sure, we've only dated for 3 months and we're still figuring things out, and dealing with past issues and insecurities. However we've both agreed that so far we really like each other and get along really well and if things continue they way they are when it comes to our interactions and general positive feelings it is worth the try.

Unfortunately we've both had our share of bad experiences and they tend to come out in not trusting the motives we have (especially coming from me)

On his side he is dealing with figuring out what he wants in life, and where a relationship fits in that. (We dealt with that these past two rough weeks...thankfully it seems like he figured out he wants this as much as he wants success in his career).

 

I agree that this relationship is not ideal, not because he isnt an amazing person but because he is dealing with a lot of pain left over from his life bassically crumbling down last year in every area you can think of. The good thing is that we're very open about it and whatever issues we might have we talked about them. Bassically everything ive ever written here we've discussed and have come to a conclusion, often times with a lot of clarification on my assumptions. I have never had a relationship with so much open and honest communication, and although Im still a bit reluctant to talk about what i need and my feelings, each time i risk it with him im never disappointed or regretful that i did. This gives me quite a bit of hope.

 

 

However, we will see...I am proceeding with caution but i also know that a LDR is a possibility and I want to know what are the usual things people have problems with.

We still have 6 more months before he leaves. If we can make it thru those 6 months with the same good positive feel we did the first 2 months and we're able to get past the roughness of the last month then we'll be ok...

[Island Girl]

Ten months apart......see each other once per month......I'd give my arm and leg for that....lol. My SO and I see each other about 2 times per year. Sometimes three if we are lucky. We talk every single day if possible.

 

And I'd give my arm and both legs to see each other 2 times per year! LOL

 

It's all perception, isn't it?

 

There are plenty of people who do not have their SO anymore who would give their arm and leg to just be able to talk to them.

 

So in the grand scheme of things we are all very lucky to have access to our SO.

 

As hard as it may be sometimes, it's better to focus on what we do have than what we don't.

[Island Girl]

I have never had a relationship with so much open and honest communication, and although Im still a bit reluctant to talk about what i need and my feelings, each time i risk it with him im never disappointed or regretful that i did. This gives me quite a bit of hope.

 

This is the one thing that will definitely cause problems in an LDR.

There can be NO assumptions. There can be no beating around the bush or hoping the other person will just "get it".

Feelings have to be spelled out. Each person needs to be vulnerable in ways you wouldn't have to be in a face to face relationship.

 

However, if both people do this and keep the relationship as a priority then you will know each other in ways that you wouldn't and you will be able to understand each other in ways that you wouldn't if it were face to face the entire time.

 

However, we will see...I am proceeding with caution but i also know that a LDR is a possibility and I want to know what are the usual things people have problems with.

 

Well my husband and I became long distance.

 

I can tell you things that helped us keep the relationship strong and successful.

 

The first thing we talked and came to an agreement about was that insecurities are bound to happen. We knew that thoughts could spring up out of no where for no reason and for what seems to be a reason. And we both understood that it is up to the two of us to not fan those flames. We alleviate each other's fears when they come up.

 

We made sure there was an understanding of priorities. The only thing that comes before that other person is work. Otherwise if there is a phone call - we talk.

Sure there are exceptions (like being in a movie). But they are few and very far between.

 

We are open books to each other. There are NO stupid questions and it doesn't matter why the person is asking or if they've asked the same question before.

EVERY question gets an immediate answer.

And we never ever answer a question with a question.

Never "why are you asking?" or "what does that have to with anything?", etc.

[Bearandsue]

And I'd give my arm and both legs to see each other 2 times per year! LOL

 

It's all perception, isn't it?

 

There are plenty of people who do not have their SO anymore who would give their arm and leg to just be able to talk to them.

 

So in the grand scheme of things we are all very lucky to have access to our SO.

 

As hard as it may be sometimes, it's better to focus on what we do have than what we don't.

 

 

LOL you are right its all perception. I think joining this forum really helped me to see how lucky we are even though it dont seem like it sometimes.