My old feeling of 15 yrs. revived after wedding called off..

[Slightedhurt]

To Loveshack:

 

Hi I'd like to introduce myself since Ive joined just today. My name is Patti. I am just turned 39 yrs old since two wks ago. I came from a large Italian family seven bros & sis from upstate NY. We are close knitted family. My father, two brothers, & one sister all have practied law. My father is now retired and has started properties business with the pharmacy stores. My mother is now taking care of my grandmother at the nursing home and been always busy as usual with the other things. One baby brother and one oldest sister havent been married yet and are still single (Im not married but not single..).

 

Now, Im into this relationship with 50 yrs old man. Let's say Id call him "C". Our wedding has been called off since Sept 14 from abt two yrs ago. We are living together. He has just been assigned to a job in NYC. He comes on weekends. Ive been very hurt since around when the wedding was off. C wasnt very communicative and had been doing things on his own to avoid me. He wasnt always sure about asking me to do something with him alone except not when with the other people. C has always worked in the garage, do outdoor work or out on errands. Id have to ask him if we plan to do things or if he wants to come with me to meet my family.. Also, I have noticed I spent money on foods and on most of the other things. I have had to ask him to give me some money. He'd say for what or that hed give to me soon. Ive seen this enough and Im very hurt. Most of all, I couldnt stand looking at his unexpressive face-- at times with some grins as if he thinks hes better than me. When I tried to ask him to talk to me about feelings, he'd shut me down, blaming me or sometimes get furious at me.

 

Prior to meeting this man, I left 15yrs relationship with the other guy and moved back home. I met C around the time when I left this guy. C and I dated abt six months and got engaged on xmas eve. Up to abt two weeks before Sept 14, my mother asked C if hes sure about marrying me when my father, C, mom and I had small talk up at camp about our wedding. C deliberately mentioned to my mother that he's not ready. My parents looked surprised but tried hard enough to act acceptable with C. I was so hurt and kinda shocked. I have mentioned to C last weekend why he would tell my mother;not me. He said that he told me so.. I said well u told me that you would before when we went up to camp. I felt so hurt everytime when he mentioned something.. It wasnt like at first when we met. He was very warming and affectionate. He talked mostly of everything and he would want to know everything about me and my feelings. I felt like a princess and I felt like being top of the world!

 

All of this feelings I had has now been gone.. My feelings are very much the same when I had with this 15 yrs guy. It was coindence(sp?) that Ive seen the repeated patterns between this guy and C that they mentioned things that hurt me, did some physical harm, being selfish with money, & quite manipulative with plans of doing something together & of rather doing things on his own. But; on the other hand, I did some repetivie patterns as well but they were mostly because I was frustrated, hurt then so on.. I guess Ive pushed them both away too. I have been going to different counselors since the time with the guy I was with for 15 yrs. He only went at once. Even now since when I started again after when the wedding was called off, C went once too. I tried to figure everything out to myself. U know as a victim or as a abuser? Id guess both.. Im the same person meeting two people with same experience.. I can conclude it coming from me but it also come from those two too in different facet of problems regarding to our past histories of growing up.. Another ex; both of their mothers admitted to me that they are the problem child.. However; I was thinking that if Im as well. U know what .. I wasnt really the problem child but stubborn and impatient.

Im sick and tired of seeing this situation and even seeing myself into this situation that lately Im still hurt and being inattentive to C.

I went to a new counselor last week for the first time. I just joined here. Im just trying my best. I think perhaps I can only change myself for the better of me & not to expect to see improvement in C. Maybe, I can be more patient-- not yelling and be more nicer with words I use. I think I have verbally abused him because hes doing it now to me. All of this came from my past with 15 yrs but even I think it came from my growing up as of who I am as a stubborn & impatient child.. perhaps controlling too. I cant blame C and my past 100 percent but I know better now that its part of them thats the problem and its also part of me..

 

I will read all your stuff because they help me to go on. But, its only me that I have to work on. For those of you who understands me what Im going thru and what I intend to do, Id like your support and advice from now on.. Ill do the same for you too at times. Thank you. Patti

[quankanne]

from reading your post, sounds like C was a rebound boyfriend and that you two rushed into an engagement. Not that this is wrong, but I can see how it might complicate things ... like having marriage put off for so long, or being with someone who might not be the one.

 

ask yourself this: do you feel like you're up against a clock to get married because you're just shy of 40? if age doesn't concern you, then dump him and get to know yourself a little better while enjoying dating new guys. My guess is that between the old boyfriend and C, you never really had a chance to meet yourself (in the sense of realizing your strengths, your likes, your desires). The right guy -- or at least the one you feel you can commit yourself to for the rest of your life without driving yourself nuts because of his idiosyncracies ( ) -- will come along. You've gotta be sure you're okay in your own skin before taking on someone else, you know?

 

good luck in finding your path,

quank

[Slightedhurt]

Hi Quank

 

 

Thank you for your reply. Im not really concerned about getting married. Im very hurt from C's being uncommunicative & avoiding. I have thought about moving out and talked to him about it though. I will when Im ready to do so.

 

Also, Im even more hurt now because Im seeing repeated patterns of myself and C. I know Im aware that I have the relationship problem with him. The only thing I have to do is to change myself within the situation and be more assertive when changed. It's difficult but it's better to do now than later which I agree with you-- I certainly do not want to go for another fifteen yrs or so.. I will need your support when Im going through some changes for the better. I hope it will be soon enough when I can. Pls be there for me because you made me to realize abt myself within my boundary to stick with. Thanks again and much appreciated for your support- Patti

[quankanne]

I'll be here, Patti, don't doubt that.

 

If possible, look into counselling. A good counselor will present you with the tools to help improve relationships by teaching you how to communicate more effectively, be they with someone else or just yourself.

 

In my experience, guys don't really enjoy talking things through the way us gals do (!!!), so everytime we bring up said subject, they hear it as nagging. Just be patient with your guy, you know?

 

being curious here, but is your BF Italian as well? it might be a cultural thing -- my husband is a laid-back Alabama redneck, and I'm Mexican, therefore I tend to be a lot more passionate about my ideas and thoughts and feelings at times ... and it sometimes makes him clam up because it's not the way HE was raised.

 

quank

[Slightedhurt]

Hi again Quank..

 

Yes, I just started going to the new counselor. I m looking forward to seeing her on this Wed at 2pm. My finance or boyfriend u can say too is not Italian. He's German & English. Yes, he clams up at times..lol It is not always the cultural reason but it is partly so.. There are many reasons- culture, male-female, family, and so on..

Besides this, I have forgotten to mention abt C. I don't feel it's necessary to say so but it may be one as for many reasons about the problem between us. He was married and divorced twice- Has two sons; one out of wedlock and other from his second ex-wife. The sons do not live with him except one since almost two yrs ago when he moved down to Fla. where his mother lives. It was around right after when I was engaged.

Just called him about moving out-- He said call back. Im hurt as usual. Thanks for your continuous support Patti