How do I find her?

[melvcort]

I really truly would appreciate any advice anyone could give me on my situation:

 

I turn 21 in not even a month. I've only had one girlfriend.

 

I have plenty of friends--both guys and girls--though I form friendships a little slower than most people, my friendships are really close. I'm nice almost to a fault; once I decide that I like someone, I almost can't even see their flaws. People tell me I'm funny, but this can be a problem since its just an inherant part of my personality--I can't turn it off--and so I worry sometimes that people can't take me seriously. One of my friends told me that she thinks that half of what I say is BS because I'm so sarcarstic. I value my honesty and am also pretty smart--I have 3 majors. I dont think I'm too ugly--I'm tall, maybe a little scrawny, and I get compliments on how I'm dressed almost everyday. My girl friends are really comfortable around me, too. they sit practically on top of me on the couch when we are parties. They often kiss me on the cheek goodbye rather than the typical hug that they give to a lot of people. I think they all kinda see me as a brother though. At least one has told me that she does. The problem is that I almost always end up attracted to them but just end up ignoring it so we can be friends because I don't think they are into me.

 

I'm really lost. A bunch of people I know predicted that I would be the first of us to get married, which is not really what I'm thinking about right now, but it at least means that there's hope for me! Whenever I even dance with a girl, all of my friends (guys and girls) cheer and say how "cute" she was. They do this no matter what though, even if I know that they don't really think the girl is cute. I worry that everyone thinks that I would be great for someone else, but never themselves. Sometimes I wonder if they think I should just suck it up and go out with whoever'll take me.

 

How can I find someone? (And please don't say stop looking, because I'm not even actively looking now--which some people have said is my problem, IDK)

 

Thanks a ton!

 

-tom

[Mary3]

Well Tom you have alot going for you. The biggest being that you are funny ! Girls love that

 

I would go to places of interest. Like if you enjoy hiking or biking , join a club where the girls are interested in that too.

 

I would stay away from bars ( at least to find a great girl ) and focus on things you like to do.

[melvcort]

Thanks alot for the reply Mary! I will certainly look for more clubs to join!

The other thing that I would really love input from anyone on though, is why (at least to my knowledge) girls just don't end up attracted to me? What am I doing wrong (if anything) in the way that I relate to them?

Thanks!

Tom

[burnwithme]

It could be that you're a little too nice? I dunno, I seem to have the same problem... I can KINDA relate to you, but i dunno.. try teasing girls every once in a while. See what happens.

 

Other than that, I have NO idea, seems like you're in a good place..

[Mary3]

Well Tom , you can ask yourself : Do I have a ton of girls as friends but never a girlfriend ? Do my girl- friends tell me I make a great boyfriend but they never want to go there with me ?

 

Could it be something in your appearance to improve ? Your hair style , clothes , where you hang out . ? How you approach girls you are interested. Do you use silly come on lines ? ( those never work ) .

 

Can you post a picture and get an honest kind critique ?

[melvcort]

Mary,

Nobody has really ever told me what they think my problem is, but here's some other information... One time a girl told me that I would never get a girlfriend until I stopped talking to my mom so much (I talk to her for like 10 minutes a day), and I told her to **** herself, because my mom's awesome. My friends all agreed with that. People have also made comments like "I bet you've never played a sport in your life" and things like that, but they are always kidding! My friends make fun of me but its just funny and not offensive and they only do it because I take it well. So I would think that that too would be a positive thing. I've also been told that its because I'm not looking, which I guess I just really don't know how to do. And advice would be awesome.

 

Are you suggesting that I post a photograph of myself here? I would be willing to private message you a picture, though I don't really know how to attatch things, assuming the messages are anything like these posts.

 

I can describe myself in some detail too, though. I'm just over 6'5" tall and I weigh 180 lbs. People call me skinny, but I have a fair amount of fat, its just not visible unless I have my shirt off. I've been going to the gym fairly often lately, so hopefully I will gain some muscle and lose some fat; because right now I don't look strong. People used to tell me all the time that I look like Napoleon Dynamite, which I admittedly kind of do. My (gay) roomate, the first person ever to tell me that I looked like N.D., has also told me that I dress well. So I trust him. My sister says the same. When people tell me I look like Napoleon, I do a little impersonation, they laugh and then never mention it again, in general. My hair tends to get a little unruley. It looks the best decently long, but if I let it get too long it looks terrible; it is rarely perfect since it is either growing or a little to long most of the time. I'm always clean and I smell good.

 

I mostly hang out with my group of friends--wherever: sometimes at their appartments, sometimes the bar, sometimes at parties. I think a lot of my problem is that I don't really approach girls. Even when I am interested in someone, nobody knows! I can't tell when they are interested in me though, and that's a lot of the problem. And I can never really tell if I like a girl until I get to know her a bit, which usually means we are kind of friends; I don't know where I'm going with that, other than that I should be able to tell if people are attracted to me but I never can. But I think it would be kind of obvious since I can see it really easilly when it happens to other people, who practically have girls throwing themselves at them.

[Mary3]

Napoleon Dynomite is HOT !

Okay if you have a Myspace page you can post a link here or private message me. You sound like a hunk !

[purgatori]

Going to the gym is a good start, because women like men who look like they can pulverize the skulls of the runtier members of the species, but you have to embrace being a complete ******* to go along with it, or they just won't be convinced that you are truly fit to vanquish your competitors and assume leadership of the tribe.

[melvcort]

I kinda feel like I should be able to find someone who lives around here. I have no intention of moving and there are plenty of people. The big problem that I can see is that I am clearly doing something very wrong.

 

purgatori, to embrace that attitude would be completely contrary to my personality, so I don't really see it happening. I mostly just want to get into shape for the purpose of being in shape at this point. But in about 6 months I will be really buff, because my body type is perfect for that type of thing, so that is a plus. But I wont start acting like an *******.

 

Another thing that might be my problem is that occasionally people view me as timid, even though I really am not. I can be a little quiet, but that is mostly just around people who I don't get the impression that I could ever be friends with. Around the friends of my friends, I am plenty talkative.