Involved with sex worker

[Arnold_S]

That's taking for granted that that IS my 'ultimate plan'.

 

The fact is... she has a strong will and is committed to making it on her own. Her life is a lot more than just being a sex worker. She also does temp work in offices, waits tables and has done a little bit of modeling as well.

 

I'm sorry man... but there's no dirty little scandal here - no ulterior motive. The fact that she's a sex worker, as far as I can see, is a unfortunate set of circumstances that includes an abusive father and some bad life choices.

 

I don't know yet where I'm going with this relationship and I do struggle occasionally knowing what she does for a living. I know that going down this road is potentially difficult. I'm signing-off for now.

 

Thanks to ALL for their comments. I've got a lot to sleep on.

[KismetGirl]

You make a very good point... and it's a shame that 'society' looks a people based on what they DO rather than WHO they are. IF you really cared for someone, IF you really loved them and they loved you back would you allow 'society' to dictate whether you have a future with this person or not? In the end, it's a personal decision that one has to make... and, there are no guarantees. Don't get me wrong... I don't think having a future with this woman would be easy. But then again, some of the best things in life are anything but easy.

 

Yeah, except if you notice in my post I had nothing negative to say about her choice of profession.

 

What I said was to watch out because I dont think she feels the same way about you and is using you for financial means. Just seen it alot, is all, trying to warn you before you are made a bit of a fool of....and before you hurt yoru wife for no good rreason...

[2sure]

Well, I was going to say basically was Kismet Girl told you - this is a traditional client/sex worker gig. CLEARLY. And the fact that it feels "real" to you is what makes it a tried & true method to get regulars and increase income.

 

Its quite probable that in the course of getting to know you she also has a clearer idea of your financial situation. Unless you are rich enough (not comfy but rich) to completely support her lavishly and your wife - she would have lost interest in you divorcing or even giving you freebies in the hopes that she had hit the mother load.

 

In other words , she said: SHOW ME THE MONEY

 

So - be OK with that or don't - doesnt matter.

 

Have you told her you are considering leaving your wife FOR HER?

[Owl]

This is a classic example of why PA's rarely STAY PA only.

 

Physical intimacy almost inevitably leads to emotional intimacy.

 

So here's the base question for the original poster...do you intend to stay married?

 

If so, or if not...your choices here are simple. Not easy...but not complicated.

 

If you want to stay married...you need to break it off with your OW. Because that same emotional intimacy that you're investing in her is something you've STOPPED OR REDUCED investing in your wife. And as long as you remain in this affair...that will continue to happen.

 

If you plan on divorcing...then take active measures to make that happen, and don't hold your wife back from moving on any longer. Give her the choice in her own life.

 

See...simple choices. Not easy...but simple.

 

So...what do you WANT out of all of this?

[RecordProducer]

We both enjoy long walks, cooking, poetry, working out, dancing, travel, coffee with extra cream no sugar

The coffee thing is especially an important thing to have in common.

Man, everybody enjoys these things and for the right money, she will enjoy S&M, too. Poetry? Are you sure she knows what poetry is?

 

So have you told her that your utimate plan is to rescue her from "the life"?

Who said she wanted to be rescued from that life?

 

this is a traditional client/sex worker gig. CLEARLY. And the fact that it feels "real" to you is what makes it a tried & true method to get regulars and increase income.

Exactly! Just like Arnold is saying that it's only natural to take care of the woman you love, it's also natural for a woman, when in love, to stop charging for the sex, to stop sleeeping with other men, and to insist on being with the man she loves. Instead, she realized that he stopped paying her, so she requested that she gets paid for the sex she provides for him.

 

Arnold, did your wife ever ask you to pay her for sex services? I bet she never did. This girl is probably trying to get you to support her. She is playing a game - whoever shows some affection toward her, she will try to bamboozle him as if she loves him to, so he gets jealous of other clietns, and wants to be excusive with her. So he has to pay her rent and bills and she will be only his. And this is exactly what you're considering doing. This is not love on her part.

 

 

In other words , she said: SHOW ME THE MONEY

Yes. She'd rather have one client who pays for everything than hundreds of them every month.

[whichwayisup]

If you want to stay married...you need to break it off with your OW. Because that same emotional intimacy that you're investing in her is something you've STOPPED OR REDUCED investing in your wife. And as long as you remain in this affair...that will continue to happen.

 

I agree. And, it won't be long before your wife figures out something is off between you two. ON an emotional level, she probably feels your detachment and distance.. You're distracted and consumed of the OW, NOT your wife, so that energy around your house is different.

 

You owe your wife the truth, it isn't fair to do this to her.. Maybe by opening up and talking to her you two can have an open marriage, or maybe it would be best to divorce so you can go off and do whatever you please..

 

All I can say is, if you believe this other woman is going to be your future wife and start a life with you, then you're in for a rude awakening. It's about the money and if she was inlove with you she would not have you as a client. You two would go out on dates and dinner, and she would REFUSE to take your money. She may tell you she's inlove with you, but chances are very slim she is..

[KismetGirl]

This is a classic example of why PA's rarely STAY PA only.

 

Physical intimacy almost inevitably leads to emotional intimacy.

 

So here's the base question for the original poster...do you intend to stay married?

 

If so, or if not...your choices here are simple. Not easy...but not complicated.

 

If you want to stay married...you need to break it off with your OW. Because that same emotional intimacy that you're investing in her is something you've STOPPED OR REDUCED investing in your wife. And as long as you remain in this affair...that will continue to happen.

 

If you plan on divorcing...then take active measures to make that happen, and don't hold your wife back from moving on any longer. Give her the choice in her own life.

 

See...simple choices. Not easy...but simple.

 

So...what do you WANT out of all of this?

 

Owl, the problem here is not for him to decide if he wants the OW or not, because this girl is not the OW. She is a call girl providing sex for money, and the OP refuses to see that.

 

When a woman loves a man, or even likes him, I guarantee you, she will not let him pay her for sex. She took a "money break" for a while where you were not paying her, because she wanted to see if she could get you to trust her and like her and offer to pay for bigger and better things. When she saw you didn't want to do that, she realized its better to go back to the fee-for-service.

 

He is being an idiot (no offense OP, but you're being ridiculous) and he's going to hurt hsi wife for no good reason. There is no choice here of be with OW or dont. The choice here is stay with W or don't, which is different. If he doesn't want to be with his W, ok, then don't be with her. But if he thinks this girl will come running to him once he gets a divorce, he is in a world of pain. If she wanted him as a boyfriend she NEVER would have let him start paying her for intimacy again, NEVER.

 

It's like I said when I worked as a receptionist for an escort service for a while when I was in college and I saw these girls. This is exactly HOW they keep clients around. These poor fools believe that these girls WANT to be with them, and in reality, most of them are looking for, at best, a a sugardaddy to pay their bills and financially support them. They do NOT want these men as boyfriends. If they did, money would have no business in the relationship.

 

The morality surrounding her profession would really be irrelevant if she really did love this man. There are plenty of women who did this when they were younger and eventually found relationships with men and many never even told anyone they used to do this for a living. You know how many college girls that are struggling in this city resort to this sort of behaviour for cash? I guarantee you you would never tell that half of them had ever even fathomed it. So morality on her profession is a moot point.

 

Wht the OP's biggest problem is that he is blind to her acting, and the fact that she does not see him as a lover or a boyfriend. He is, at best, a friendly aquaintance with whom she will occaionally hang out with or accept gifts or dinners from, and then will make him pay for sex. Just because she likes her coffee the same way or likes the same colour as him or says she has career ambitions about her future, does NOT meet she has any inclination to have that future include the OP. She doesn't , i assure you.

 

OP, don't know how much more to bang this into your head. There is no emotional connection on her end. And your end is nothing more than loneliness couples with infatuation because you feel you are missing that connection with your own wife.

 

For your own happiness, and that of your wife's, get a divorce if that's what you want and go find a nice, single woman your own age to date , who you do not have to pay just so she'll touch you naked. Got it?

[Owl]

Whether or not she's an "OW" (and I'll agree with your assessment on that, btw), his choices do remain the same.

 

He can either continue seeing and shaboinking (and paying) the "OW"...he can divorce his wife and TRY to chase after the "OW", or he can end the "affair" and fix his marriage.

 

His options all remain the same. Now, whether or not she wants to play house with him is another story, true...but HIS choices are what I've outlined.

[gopher]

Owl,

 

I don't think he can fix what he views as wrong in his marriage. His wife is physically unable to have sex...

[Reggie]

You want a relationship with a hooker. a real relationship? You should listen to what folks are telling you. People that become hookers are not good girlfriend material. You would not be the first guy to find this out the hard way. These folks are wired very differently when it comes to intimacy and committment. I've represented a good number and they are very manipulative.

[KismetGirl]

Owl,

 

I don't think he can fix what he views as wrong in his marriage. His wife is physically unable to have sex...

 

 

Right, which is why I think his choices are pretty limited, really.

 

i asked once before on this but the OP never answered....does your wife "allow" you to seek sexual gratification outside the marriage because she can't do it? Some women do allow it in these situations, as long as the husband stays emotionally faithful, if you will, but OP hasn't even abided by that rule, if that's the case. So really I think OP needs a wife who can be both emotionally and physically available to him, if you will, so maybe he should just let the wife go eh?

 

His choices are really:

 

A) stay married and (if your wife agrees) have pay-for-sex but do not get emotionally attached (and if that means you need a different girl instead of the same one so be it) but I dont think OP knows how to differentiate between pure sex and getting attached

B) get a divorce, and then he can go do whatever he wants without hurting anyone but himself, and if he wants to hurt himself he'll figure it out soon enough

 

personally i think B is the better option....no use dragging his wife down.... even she's ok with him f**king outside the married i doubt she's ok with him falling for someone else, that doesnt usually abide by the rules of open marriage....

[Lizzie60]

I was more like a boyfriend and less like a client. There was no more of exchange of funds for services. Recently we had a bit of a falling out - she could no longer see the point in being romantically involved with a married man - makes sense right.

 

I've done exactly the same thing with 3 of my clients. (not at once..but over the years)..

 

It seems like nothing has changed however - we're still quite passionate, we still go for dinner, we still go for long walks, we still regularly exchange emails. The only difference is I'm now back to paying her. We're having trouble letting go of the closeness we've developed.

 

Same here.. 2 of these guys were married..so why would I continue a sexual relationship with someone I don't really love.. .. really for what?.. so we went back to the 'massages' only in exchange of money.

 

The problem I've got is that I'm DEEPLY in love with this girl. I really care about her - to the point where I'm thinking of calling my marriage quits so I can be with her.

 

Trust me.. you would make a big mistake.. this girl is NOT in love with you.. mind you.. she might like you very much.. but she will never stop doing what she's doing for you...

First of all.. she would never have gone back to the 'money exchange' if she wanted you... she probably thought the same way I did.. why do it for free? and trust me.. since you're quite fond of her.. she knows you'll continue providing $$ (same thing happened to all my guys)... now they're back to 'clients' ...

[Owl]

Owl,

 

I don't think he can fix what he views as wrong in his marriage. His wife is physically unable to have sex...

 

I disagree. I'm curious if his wife agreed to his use of other women to solve this particular problem?

 

There are all kinds of ways that this could likely be worked out between the two of them, depending on exactly what the issue is.

 

If my wife were suddenly unable to perform in this fashion...I'd expect we'd find some kind of way to deal with it...as I'm positive she wouldn't want me going outside of the marriage to have this particular need fulfilled.

 

I guess if his wife OK'ed his choice to do this...I'd bet that she also DIDN'T OK his romantic involvement with the "hired help". She didn't count on what I'd mentioned originally...physical intimacy leads to emotional intimacy.

 

Again, his choices remain the same. Stay with his wife and work something out, divorce her, or continue sleeping with other women.

[blueintheface]

Disregarding the whole profession thing ..... have you read Pavarotti's story? Or maybe about some other rich older man who has gone through "falling in love" with a much younger girl. Like the young stripper who tried to have her sugar daddy killed, failed, said sorry she made a mistake, and he actually forgave her, they are married but i'm pretty sure she didn't marry him for love. i think any negative comments are useless though - you are probably imagining yourself as a knight in shining armour out to protect her from us bad judgemental people. it is only reinforcing your need to protect and feel needed which you thought you lacked in your marriage (obviously the no sex with wife impacted on you psychologically even if you dont admit it, your masculinity was bruised). did it also mean your wife had to suffer through years of a barren cold marriage? i mean you do realize no sex doesn't mean no kissing, or hugging or cuddling right?

 

also do you have to socialize much as a banker? will you be hosting dinner parties with possibly OW's previous clients? will this be ok to you? also i think this thread may give you insight http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=179444

 

it is from the "wife's" point of view. you are the man in this situation (minus the drug use) but that is pretty much you. the guy in the story probably has less money/assets and yet for some reason i still have a hard time believing the stripper OW is in it for love ....

[blueintheface]

xP book smart but not street smart.

 

this reminds me why i'm on loveshack. to rack up my street smart points and not end up like arnold.

[Arnold_S]

I'd like to thanks everyone for their comments... As I said originally, I don't have anyone to really discuss this with. It has given me a lot to think about.

 

I'm struggling with the issue that I'm being used by this women but as often is the case when emotions get involved, rationality goes out the window. I think some of the information provided on this forum has helped me look at the big picture. I still love her but what does that actually mean in this case. It difficult and it hurts.

 

Please understand that, not including the pay-for-services relationships, I have not had a love life for about 4 years now. My wife is still very much my best friend but I don't think I can honestly go on with trying to offset the lack of intimacy in our relationship with sex services. Things have become so twisted for me -- ultimately, I would love to be in a normal relationship with BOTH physical and emotional fulfillment.

 

Once again, much thanks to all.

[lonelypiscesguy]

You want a relationship with a hooker. a real relationship? You should listen to what folks are telling you. People that become hookers are not good girlfriend material. You would not be the first guy to find this out the hard way. These folks are wired very differently when it comes to intimacy and committment. I've represented a good number and they are very manipulative.

What he said, bro. Never try and play save-a-hoe.

[KismetGirl]

I'd like to thanks everyone for their comments... As I said originally, I don't have anyone to really discuss this with. It has given me a lot to think about.

 

I'm struggling with the issue that I'm being used by this women but as often is the case when emotions get involved, rationality goes out the window. I think some of the information provided on this forum has helped me look at the big picture. I still love her but what does that actually mean in this case. It difficult and it hurts.

 

Please understand that, not including the pay-for-services relationships, I have not had a love life for about 4 years now. My wife is still very much my best friend but I don't think I can honestly go on with trying to offset the lack of intimacy in our relationship with sex services. Things have become so twisted for me -- ultimately, I would love to be in a normal relationship with BOTH physical and emotional fulfillment.

 

Once again, much thanks to all.

 

I hope you took away some rational thinking in all this Arnold. No one wants to be insulting or harsh, but we also don't want you throwing your emotions into someone who really doesn't care. Nor do we want you or your wife wasting what years you have left in a relatinship that probably makes neither of you happy. I guess it's just basic human compassion ;-) which still exists occasionally....not often, but ya know :-P

 

Anyway, please be sure there is nothing wrong with your wanting to feel like you are in a normal relationship, one where intimacy and friendship are rolled into one, because I assure you that is what everyone wants (or most people, anyway). If they didn't , there wouldn't be a need for affairs, which in most cases are simply wrought of someone who was missing something from their own relationship.

 

If what you need is really, really impossible to be had with yoru wife, then do her and yourself a favour and give love elsewhere a chance. I guess it's tough to find someone nowadays, but you need to decide which path is more miserable for you- the prospect of living alone, or of living with your best friend and still, somehow, feeling alone....only you can decide that one. Cheers and good luck

[Chrome Barracuda]

Wow this guy was a nutter?

 

Has he been tested for ANY STD's? who knows who this woman is sleeping with?

[ali0112]

And Signed2008 is here in a new persona. Lucky us.

[KismetGirl]

And Signed2008 is here in a new persona. Lucky us.

 

What a pity. Guess we'll just have to have her banned again. She didn't learn her lesson before with the mindless, pointless, thread jack questions and insults. I have an idea, everyone BLOCK her!

[Lizzie60]

I guess I've missed her/his posts.. but I have to add she's not the only one ... some people come here under NEW username(s).. with 'stories' that are a bit overboard/farfetched, to say the least.

 

I have my doubts on a few (and I'm not the only one ).. the mods should checked them...

[Gold Pile]

She doesn't love you. It's ok to have fun and fondness in a professional relationship, but thats it. You're developing feelings for the person you have sex with...that's understandable. She is having sex with lots of people and knows how to keep her feelings in check.

[KismetGirl]

Me thinks the OP is no longer checking this thread due to lack of response from him lately. Ah well, hopefully he got some advice. I doubt he'll listen. No one ever does. Me included. kjheflhjfld

[whichwayisup]

I hope he's talking to his wife and sorting this out..

 

What he's doing to his wife (as he calls her his bestfriend) is really low.

 

Here's a question to the original poster..You say your wife can't have sex anymore, but what about mutual masterbation, or her just pleasing you? If she can't physically have sex, she can still fool around and have some sort of intimacy with you, right? Have you two gone to a sex therapist? Or even done marriage counselling?