Involved with sex worker

[Arnold_S]

It's funny when reading about someone else's problems - everything is so obvious but when YOUR OWN emotions come into play it's a totally different story.

 

I'm a 40 year old bank worker living in Vancouver. Some year's ago, for physiological/health reasons, my wife could no longer have sex. I love her dearly and I wasn't about to leave her so I started seeing erotic massage therapists to quell my sexual urges.

 

Now I don't need someone to lecture me on how moralistically wrong this is or what a pervert I am... I'm just not ready to call my sex life quits. I'm an adult and this is MY way of dealing with it - it's obviously not for everyone.

 

About a year ago I started seeing this particular young lady for erotic massage. After about 3 months of seeing her we both got carried away and crossed a line. I swore that I would never do this but after getting to know her I became quite attracted to her - not only physically but emotionally as well. We started exchanging emails several time per week and went out to dinner and dancing occasionally. We even went for long walks in the park together.

 

I was more like a boyfriend and less like a client. There was no more of exchange of funds for services. Recently we had a bit of a falling out - she could no longer see the point in being romantically involved with a married man - makes sense right.

 

We mutually agreed to take a big step backward and go back to our professional relationship the way it was - wishful thinking. It seems like nothing has changed however - we're still quite passionate, we still go for dinner, we still go for long walks, we still regularly exchange emails. The only difference is I'm now back to paying her. We're having trouble letting go of the closeness we've developed.

 

The problem I've got is that I'm DEEPLY in love with this girl. I really care about her - to the point where I'm thinking of calling my marriage quits so I can be with her. I really don't have anyone I can talk to about this so that's why I'm here. As I said, when emotions take over it's hard to be objective. I'd really appreciate some CONSTRUCTIVE comments.

 

Much Thanks

[sb129]

Well, I am not going to judge you or her, but I do feel that you have a rocky road ahead of you whichever path you decide to take.

 

Unfortunately, as you seem to already realise, you can't have your cake and eat it too.

Someone is going to get hurt here.

 

I think you owe it to your wife to at least end the marriage- she doesn't deserve to be in a relationship where her husband is in love with someone else.

Set her free- EVEN if there is a chance things may not work out with the other girl.

Your wife deserves happiness, loyalty and honesty, even if its not from you.

 

As for your OW- you need to really evaluate whether there is true potential for a real relationship, or whether this is just a fantasy you have created due to the perceived "closeness" you have with eachother. (I ssay perceived because you are still paying her for her time)

 

Ask yourself these questions:

1. Would you expect her give up her line of work if you were to be in an exclusive R together? How would you feel if she didn't?

2. Would you live together?

3. Would your R be able to survive the fact that you used to pay her for sex?

4. What does SHE want? Does she want you to leave your wife?

 

Good luck- whatever you decide its not going to be easy.

[KismetGirl]

To be honest (and don't think I am being biased, Im an OW having an affair with a married man myself), but I think your attraction to her is one of feeling wanted again by someone. You are excited by a young, pretty person who is willing to be sexual with you and hang out with you and act interested in you. You're in love with the idea of the romantic side of the situation, but it isn't real, unfortunately. I assure you I am no moralistic judge of the sex trade- I say if two adults are consenting it is up to them what they wish to exchange and do with each other physically.

 

Most girls in this field aren't looking to date their clients. They do like the sugar daddy aspect of it....she may have allowed you to stop paying her for a while, but I suspect that it was because she was hoping you would start paying her more than before, not for a "fee for service" but more of a sugar daddy relationship where you would just give her money when she needs it on a regular basis, sort of an "allowance" if you will. That didn't happen, so she decided its best not to "see" a married man romantically. Does it make sense that she went back to doing everything with you (eg- the dinner dates, etc) but only now that you are paying her again? She is not in this for love my friend. Please believe me, I have seen this many, many times. No girl who loves a man will allow him to pay her for sex, she would feel uncomfrotable by that.

 

Think about it. I have a good knowledge of girls who work in the sex field. Nothing against them, some of them are very nice. When I was in college , NO I did NOT work as a sex worker of course, but I did have a part time gig for a little while as a phone-girl for a couple of places (would set up apointments over the phone, never actually interacted with clients in any service way) and saw quite a bit of the dynamics between clients-girls and yours is but one in a million Im afraid.

 

They become friendly with lonely old married guys who dont get the affection at home anymore. They act friendly and like "girlfriends", and hope that the man will become supportive of them financially. If they dont....they say "sorry i cant date a married man", and go back to servicing them as a "fee for service" client instead, even though they might still get the occasional date or gifts. I would not be surprised if she was dating other men, her own age, or even had a boyfriend. I've seen that as well. She is not in love with you. Did she say she is? Did she tell you she wants you to leave your wife so you two can run off together? Doubtful if she did, but if she did she isn't telling you the truth. I know its harsh but she is using you, its just how it is. Please dont become one of the many cuckold, pathetic men I've seen who become enamoured with their working girls, who view them as little more than walking ATMs, even if they think you are nice and act sweet and girly and say they love to hang out with you. They are acting, and they do it well. It's what they are paid to do.

 

I know its not what you want to hear, but it is reality, I am sorry.

 

If you don't want to be with your wife, then you owe it to her not to do this to her. If she is agreeable to you to find your sexual satisfcation outside the marriage so long as you are emotionally faithful, then you have grossly mistepped your boundaries. If you don't want to be married, then by all means tell your wife, but if you think this massage girl will run off into the wind with you and marry you and have your babies and be your mongamous life partner.....you are in for a big dissapointment.

 

Oh, and yeah, unless you intend to pay her big bucks every month, don't expect her to quit her job either. None of those girls prefer to service different men all day every day. They would rather have one, generous sugardaddy, and they are always on the look out for one.

 

I knew one girl, a sweet 20 year old lovely little thing, lookd like Lindsey Lohan, who had this 48 year old married guy with two kids who become really head over heels for her. He took her out to restaurants, movies, theater, he bought her gifts, he paid over $8,000 for her in back-rent that she owed her landlord. She repayed him in kind with little sexual favours, by calling him sweetheart and lovely, by hanging out with him, but then she would come back to the "office" and tell everyone how pathetic he was. She would laugh about how he had told her he was in love with her and had tried to introduce her to his two young children! Can you believe that? The nerve.

 

Anyway, you get my point. You're waisting your time. You aren't in love, you are in lust, infatuation, and you are lonely. Im sorry hun. Don't waste your time on someone who, sadly, views you as a client and nothing more. You will be sadly dissapointed, and you will kick yourself for being such a fool.

[Arnold_S]

Thanks KismetGirl and sb129... FYI - The word 'love' has been used by both of us. And, I want to support her because I genuinely care about her. Who wouldn't look after someone they love?

 

I may have become a sugar daddy and she may be using me - but it feels so real... oh, this is so hard and I'm so confused. I can't imagine being without this girl sometimes... I think about her all the time.

[Athena]

Thanks KismetGirl and sb129... FYI - The word 'love' has been used by both of us. And, I want to support her because I genuinely care about her. Who wouldn't look after someone they love?

 

I may have become a sugar daddy and she may be using me - but it feels so real... oh, this is so hard and I'm so confused. I can't imagine being without this girl sometimes... I think about her all the time.

 

KismetGirl is right -- if you take your money away again she will lose interest in you...

 

One of my H's colleagues spent $20 000.00 within four months on a young pretty thing in Asia, because he was in love, but as soon as he ran into financial troubles, she lost interest.

 

Believe your Fantasy, if you wish, but don't expect us to.

[NoIDidn't]

Seriously, she's a prostitute. No disrespect intended to her, but seriously?! You claim to be a banker (bank worker, you said). Would you really leave your wife for a prostitute?!

 

I don't think you should end your marriage. I think you should revisit your vows. Is your wife on death's door or twice your age or something? You're only 40. She can't be that old in comparison if you are a traditional couple.

 

Is your prostitute still servicing her other customers? I am sure you can't afford to pay for all of her time in this economy (a little joke). If she is, then you should know where she is truly standing in all this. She's a prostitute. Making you feel comfortable enough to have sex with her is just her job.

[D-Lish]

Can't be realistic to expect a 40 year old man to go without sex for the rest of his life.

 

If I was incapacitated- I wouldn't question my husband if he did this.

 

If I was fully engaged with my husband and he did this- he'd be 6 feet under.

[NoIDidn't]

Can't be realistic to expect a 40 year old man to go without sex for the rest of his life.

 

If I was incapacitated- I wouldn't question my husband if he did this.

 

If I was fully engaged with my husband and he did this- he'd be 6 feet under.

 

Why the double standard? Why can't we expect a 40 year old man to go without sex for the rest of his life? His wife was just told that that's what she will have to do.

 

Shoot me, but I'd fully expect my husband to be sexless with me if I had gotten such a diagnosis. Sickness and in health. How would the OP feel if this story was written by his wife based on his inability to have sex?

[Athena]

She's a prostitute. Making you feel comfortable enough to have sex with her is just her job.

 

I agree with this.

 

BTW Arnold_S think about your fantasy being introduced to reality (where is lostsunsets for this job!?) -- Can you imagine your buddies finding out this is your woman -- the prossie-- after you leave your W for her? And family members too... they all gonna find out about her past and view her negatively

[D-Lish]

Why the double standard? Why can't we expect a 40 year old man to go without sex for the rest of his life? His wife was just told that that's what she will have to do.

 

Shoot me, but I'd fully expect my husband to be sexless with me if I had gotten such a diagnosis. Sickness and in health. How would the OP feel if this story was written by his wife based on his inability to have sex?

 

No, forgive me- I am being antagonistic because I think it's a troll post.

[Athena]

Can't be realistic to expect a 40 year old man to go without sex for the rest of his life.

 

If I was incapacitated- I wouldn't question my husband if he did this.

 

If I was fully engaged with my husband and he did this- he'd be 6 feet under.

 

This isn't as much about him getting sex outside M as it is about his Stupidity in thinking they are in love, and that she is in it with him for anything other than money.... and he is actually seriously considering dumping his wife for this piece of a$$ !

He's being dumb... for not being honest with himself about her using/playing him... its one thing for a MM to pay a sex worker and know where they both stand, and quite another for THIS MM to want to pay more for her, to take care of her financially (over and above the sex services) b/c: ,,"And, I want to support her because I genuinely care about her. Who wouldn't look after someone they love? "

[Athena]

No, forgive me- I am being antagonistic because I think it's a troll post.

 

Really? Sigh... and grr... do people have NO lives of their own and resort to making up stuff here?!

Or are there a LOT of 13yr old boys in this forum??

[Arnold_S]

That's the funny thing... I know what does for a living but it doesn't bother me. I don't see her as a prostitute. After all she is a human being with feelings and emotions just like anyone else. People are not who they are because of what they do for a living.

 

I really do appreciate all of your comments... this DOES help. I gotta think this through.

[NoIDidn't]

No, forgive me- I am being antagonistic because I think it's a troll post.

 

LOL. I agree.

[NoIDidn't]

That's the funny thing... I know what does for a living but it doesn't bother me. I don't see her as a prostitute. After all she is a human being with feelings and emotions just like anyone else. People are not who they are because of what they do for a living.

 

I really do appreciate all of your comments... this DOES help. I gotta think this through.

 

Again, like I said, would you be okay with her keeping her occupation if you became a couple? Heck, are you okay with her continuing to do it even though you started an emotional and sexual affair with her?

 

She's prostitute. It doesn't mean that she isn't human or that she doesn't have feelings. It just means that she isn't exactly in the "bring home to mama" category - unless she stopped being a prostitute. And from what's been said, it doesn't sound like she plans on quitting unless you are willing to take care of her financially for life.

 

I think she's playing you for your money. Be on the lookout for the call begging you for money for something *important.

[Arnold_S]

This is NOT a 'troll post'? What ever that is. This forum is new to me and I was just looking for some objective viewpoints - do I actually write like a 13 year old boy? Honestly. I do thank those who offer constructive comments even if If it is something I don't necessarily want to hear. Thing like this really happen... screwed up as it sounds - believe it or not.

[Sibyl Vane]

I think it should be a sort of rule to assume that people that get paid to have sex with people will only ever want money from you. If she loved you, she would not be able to be handed a fifty or whatever (having never engaged the services of a hooker I am not aware of the standard going rate) after you had sex.

[Athena]

People are not who they are because of what they do for a living.

 

This may well be true, however there ARE perceptions associated with careers "what people do for a living"... eg: Surgeons are highly respected, Injury lawyers are looked upon as sharks, Professors as smart, Male nurses as 'suspect' etc etc... fairly or unfairly, 'society' has certain viewpoints... now guess how society views your new woman being a Sex Worker (polite term) or Prostitute (regular term)?

[RecordProducer]

People are not who they are because of what they do for a living.

Sje does YOU and many others guys for a living. Why don't you go to her work and watch her serve other customers? I am sure your "love" will take a long walk when you see her "work" other guys. Whatever she is doing to you - she is doing to other clients. For the same price. She made sure she went back to paying practice with you under the excuse of you being married.

[boldjack]

This very well might be a troll post, but the idea that sex workers can't or won't be in committed, loyal, loving, relationships isn't necessarily true. I know personally, two former prostitutes, and a former porn actress, all of whom are married and two of whom have children, and all are absolutely loyal to their husbands. It's a shame that we judge people without knowing them, based on generalizations and our own elitist beliefs. I would choose a former porn actress over a cheater, any day.

[Arnold_S]

You make a very good point... and it's a shame that 'society' looks a people based on what they DO rather than WHO they are. IF you really cared for someone, IF you really loved them and they loved you back would you allow 'society' to dictate whether you have a future with this person or not? In the end, it's a personal decision that one has to make... and, there are no guarantees. Don't get me wrong... I don't think having a future with this woman would be easy. But then again, some of the best things in life are anything but easy.

[boldjack]

Arnold, please don't misunderstand me. You notice that I said"former", prostitute, and "former", porn star. If you and her are going to have a relationship, then you must tell your wife first. You must also make it clear to this girl that her career in the sex industry must end, before any relationship can begin.

[era]

Ah yes..spectacular Vancouver - playground for married men looking for good times with girls in the sex trade.

 

I can just visualize the two of you holding hands, walking the Stanley Park seawall.

 

Is she by chance very young, petite, and Asian?

 

Does she speak English?

 

What exactly do you have in common with this girl?

[Arnold_S]

Your close... however

Not Asian... Italian

Speaks English, Italian and French fluently

We both enjoy long walks, cooking, poetry, working out, dancing, travel, coffee with extra cream no sugar

[era]

So have you told her that your utimate plan is to rescue her from "the life"?