Involved with sex worker

[KismetGirl]

I hope he's talking to his wife and sorting this out..

 

What he's doing to his wife (as he calls her his bestfriend) is really low.

 

Here's a question to the original poster..You say your wife can't have sex anymore, but what about mutual masterbation, or her just pleasing you? If she can't physically have sex, she can still fool around and have some sort of intimacy with you, right? Have you two gone to a sex therapist? Or even done marriage counselling?

 

I dont know. I think that alot of the time when people come here, myself included, they are almost hoping that some people will almost give them validation of what they are doing. I could be wrong but I don't think i am....Despite saying he appreciated taking all comments to heart, Im not sure he sounded like he wanted to believe that this girl doesn't actually care for him. He very well may have gone back t this girl, asked her to "please be honest with him" about her feelings, and she could have said she really cares for him but just can't date him "because he's married" hoping to keep him around as a client, and the poor man actually believes her. Sadly, I feel like that's more apt to happen than for him to divorce his wife for the right reason, or to realize this young women he's paying has NO interst in him beyond his wallet.

 

He also hasn't really mentioned what sort of "problem" his wife has for why she CAN'T have sex. Is it physical, psychological, permanent? Some things can be treated. It seems odd that she should suddenly be unable to have sex unless something really happened....cancer? I dont know. He did not say, so its hard to give a normal interpretation of their personal sexual realtionship....

 

Let's be honest....if two people could really be happy with just cuddling and mutual masturbation, we would have stopped it at that level when we were all learning to fool around as teenagers. It isn't enough for most people, which is why they progress to more intimate levels....not that there's anything wrong to accepting you are unhappy with someone, but he's not going about it the right way, obviously.

 

Anyway.....Im gonna refrain from posting on this thread anymore until OP comes back cause Im not sure he IS coming back for now.

[Arnold_S]

Just so you know... my wife and I have been in therapy for about 6 months now. There are several issues with the relationship -- not all of which I'm going to go into here. Sufficed to say that the actual physical inability to have intercourse and total loss of libido over the last 4 years are major factors.

 

For some people, cuddling and mutual masturbation is enough and at first we did this. But after a while she just wasn't into it anymore -- she didn't want to be touched sexually. One of the contributing factors is her ongoing depression (for which she's being treated as well).

 

The fact that I'm seeking sex outside of our marriage should show you how desperate I am -- not how evil I am. Simply put, my needs are not being met in this relationship.

[jj33]

Arnold, its clear your needs arent being met. But it sounds like this woman is not the answer in terms of a full time personal relationship that doesnt involve an exchange of money.

 

We all know of stories where these things "work out" - Anna Nicole Smith is a very famous example. There are other less famous examples where feelings develop between a professional and a client and people live happily ever after.

 

But this doesnt sound like that case. The other thing is you werent willing to leave your wife during that period when you werent paying her? So in that case why SHOULD she give up the $$ to be the OW when she normally gets paid for that. But I would trust Lizzie's instinct on this she knows what shes talking about.

 

Your story is no different than millions of other men. Your W is your best friend, maybe she is going through menopause and intercourse is painful, maybe its something else but your sexual needs aren't being satisfied and you are looking elsewhere.

 

And so your choices are the same as everyone else. Divorce her and find a relationshp with someone that meets your physical as well as your other needs or stay and deal with it, either by having an affair or finding some middle ground with your wife. I cant recommend an affair, its not a solution really and its terribly unfair to your W while you are in counseling and she thinks you are working on the M.

 

You sound like you want to leave but are afraid of leaving without "a taxi" - someone who you know will be there for you when you give up your relationship with your wife.

[whichwayisup]

He very well may have gone back t this girl, asked her to "please be honest with him" about her feelings,

 

If he expects HONESTY from a woman who works in a rub'n'tug with a happy ending, then his wife should be getting HONESTY from him. Don't you think?

[whichwayisup]

Just so you know... my wife and I have been in therapy for about 6 months now. There are several issues with the relationship -- not all of which I'm going to go into here. Sufficed to say that the actual physical inability to have intercourse and total loss of libido over the last 4 years are major factors.

 

Have you told the therapist about what you've been doing outside of the marriage? Therapy is POINTLESS, and even more so as you think you've fallen inlove with the OW, so whatever energy you have left for your wife, and fixing the marriage isn't going to be there, that effort..Because deep down you've already detached from your wife.

 

Let me ask, if you had depression or another reason why you couldn't make love to your wife, would you be OK with her messing around with another man? Or would you hope she would remain with you, support you and still love you, no matter what?

 

For some people, cuddling and mutual masturbation is enough and at first we did this. But after a while she just wasn't into it anymore -- she didn't want to be touched sexually. One of the contributing factors is her ongoing depression (for which she's being treated as well).

 

Since she is getting treatment for her depression, then there's a good possibility she'll get better...And whatever meds she's on could be (right now) affecting her sex drive. I'm sure she feels awful about herself, depression has it's ways of messing with the head .. I hope you understand her frame of mind and the actual disease she has. ..

 

The fact that I'm seeking sex outside of our marriage should show you how desperate I am -- not how evil I am. Simply put, my needs are not being met in this relationship.

 

Then you OWE your wife the truth so she can decide if she wants to still remain married to someone who has gone outside of the marriage, and continues to do so..

 

You're not evil, you're just being selfish..But, your actions, atleast to your wife ARE evil because cheating is the ultimate hurt/betrayal in a marriage.

 

Maybe you need to talk to the therapist by yourself to figure this out, get support before you come clean to your wife.. Imagine if your wife finds out on her own? Sooner or later don't you think she's going to wonder where all the $$ is going? And, what if you catch an STD? What if you DO work things out with your wife, and she feels more sexual with the help of meds and counselling? How does one explain herpes or another STD?

[jj33]

Ah somehow I missed the fact that its depression. Your wife is ill and needs your support. Im not going to say more everyone else has said already.

 

Your choices are the same as every other married man dissatisfied with his sex life. Obviously actual intercourse is very important to you for whatever reason. As WWIU said you should really get some IC to explore the best route.

[TM42]

To be honest, I think if you can;t get sexual release from your wife, you should move on with your life. I understand you want the marriage, companionship, etc but if you find yourself this in love with a sex worker, it definitely means you are aching for that passionate relationship.

 

Of course, I believe you do realize that this initial lust will fade with this woman, but regardless of that, if you need sex in your life, you should be in a relationship where you can get it. We are animals and sex is a primal NEED.

 

Good luck with your decision, I hope you gain some clarity. Whatever you do, Don't leave your wife for another woman. Leave her of your own accord. If she is going through a tough time right now, it is pretty ****ty to leave her. Maybe wait until she is better??

[sky1200]

The facts are: 1) You're a cheater; 2) You're a liar.

 

The right thing to do: Confess to your wife what you did and let her decide whether she wants to stay with you or not. Maybe she much rather be alone than have a husband cheating on her with some hooker, let along fall in love with one.

 

You're making all the decisions for your wife about her life. You've taking her right and dignity away from her. Do you call that love?

[blueintheface]

 

 

To be honest, I think if you can;t get sexual release from your wife, you should move on with your life. I understand you want the marriage, companionship, etc but if you find yourself this in love with a sex worker, it definitely means you are aching for that passionate relationship.

 

Of course, I believe you do realize that this initial lust will fade with this woman, but regardless of that, if you need sex in your life, you should be in a relationship where you can get it. We are animals and sex is a primal NEED.

 

Good luck with your decision, I hope you gain some clarity. Whatever you do, Don't leave your wife for another woman. Leave her of your own accord. If she is going through a tough time right now, it is pretty ****ty to leave her. Maybe wait until she is better??

 

 

this pretty much sums it up.

[NewSunrise]

Just so you know... my wife and I have been in therapy for about 6 months now. There are several issues with the relationship -- not all of which I'm going to go into here.

 

-- she didn't want to be touched sexually. One of the contributing factors is her ongoing depression (for which she's being treated as well).

Hey Arnold, step back for a moment and put yourself in your W's shoes. I read your entire post and NOT ONCE have you considered what your W has been faced with.

 

If it were you who was stricken with whatever physical disabilities your W is enduring, wouldn't you be flippin DEPRESSED?! She can no longer have the abilities to fulfill your physical, emotional and "all about you" needs! Not to mention the thought of you having your needs met by anyone other than her. No wonder her depression level has skyrocketed!

 

Look, if you are the kind of man that has a heart, at least help your W in the recovery process where she can be mentally healthy.

 

I've been reading this book, "MAGNIFICENT MIND AT ANY AGE", by Daniel G. Amen, M.D.

 

Because therapists never bother taking brain scans on their patients, many patients are misdiagnosed and prescribed wrong medications. The book advocates a brain scan to determine what part of the brain needs help before any drugs are to be taken based on the acitivities (hyper/hypo) of the different regions and structures of the brain along with specific natural treatment to bring brain to healthy state. Book is easy to read and just doesn't delve into the science of the brain. Your W may also find this book helpful.

 

The author treated a soldier with PTS (post traumatic syndrome)---something that your W is probably experiencing.

 

One doesn't have to have experienced trauma or be depressed to read this book. All it takes is the desire to have a healthy brain. A healthy brain means a healthy mind. I don't know about you all, but I don't want Alzheimer to visit me at any age. So I'm doing what I can to keep that bastard away.

 

Do you trust that your W would do the same for you? If you do, then you owe it to her to help her recover. That's the least that you can do.

[Owl]

What, specifically has your wife agreed to in order to "meet your needs"?

 

Has she agreed to your use of...professionals?

[Arnold_S]

Thanks...I appreciate your comments.

 

FYI - I have been supportive and understanding while my W is going through this - I never indicated otherwise. I go to doctor's appointments with her, massage her, encourage her, look after her when she's not well and we talk about the problems in our relationship.

 

Whether I'm right or wrong, I'm simply not interested in putting my sex life on hold for years on end. If the shoe was on the other foot I would want my W to be happy, even if that meant going outside the relationship for fulfillment.

 

'Liar', 'cheater' sure OK,... I'll accept those. If people will accept self-righteous and judgmental. And, I don't care what anybody says... you simply cannot accurately say how would react under these circumstances unless you've experienced it first hand. Claiming otherwise is just 'lying' to yourself.

 

With that said, the comments on this forum HAVE been very helpful and I'm cooling my jets with the OW for now. I still feel strongly about her but have a somewhat renewed view of the circumstances.

 

I will look into this book you've recommended - thanks for this. As I said, she's my best friend and as such I would support her like any other close friend - if not better.

[NewSunrise]

Arnold_S: when she's not well and we talk about the problems in our relationship.

 

Whether I'm right or wrong, I'm simply not interested in putting my sex life on hold for years on end. If the shoe was on the other foot I would want my W to be happy, even if that meant going outside the relationship for fulfillment.

So are you telling us that your W gave you permission to screw someone else and use marital assets to get your kicks?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Friendship with the sex worker is more an imparative than to help your ailing wife? I'm sure she would like to know what you think? huh why dont you tell her. be a man, tell her, tell her you have feelings for a glorified prostitute. I'm sure she would be all so gracious.

[Owl]

You never answered my question...

 

Did your wife agree to your "use" of professional women to "meet your needs"?

[Arnold_S]

My wife does not know that I use professional women to meet my needs... However, do you really think that's a good idea considering she's being treated for depression. It might make the individuals on this forum feel better but I don't think it would help her condition at all.

[Owl]

Yes...she needs to know the TRUTH OF HER MARRIAGE.

 

You see...this isn't just your marriage. The two of you SHARE it.

 

But you are UNILATERALY making a decision that truly does impact her...that she should have had input into making.

 

Maybe it's not wrong that you're sleeping with "professionals".

 

But you know darned well that you're wrong for sneaking behind her back to do so.

 

What do you think she would WANT you to do here?

 

Don't use her depression as an "out"...an excuse for you to do what you want to do.

 

Yes...even if she's depressed, she deserves the chance to decide if she's in agreemant with your "choice" or not. She gets the chance to decide if she still wants to be with you after your choice to sleep with "professionals"...and to begin an emotional (at least on your side) relationship with one.

 

Don't say "well its good for the forum to say"...many of us here have been betrayed, and are speaking from HER frame of reference.

 

Like I said...don't act like you're the only on in the marriage. Going to these other women was exactly that. You know it. And you know that your wife would not approve, would not have agreed...or else you would have already talked with her about this. Instead, you took matters into...someone else's hands...

 

Time to man up...do what you should have done all along.

 

I would agree that it might not "help her condition at all"...but that should have been part of your reasoning before you made the choice to go outside your marriage for this.

[clv0116]

You're back to being a customer, plain and simple. She figured out that there's no romantic future for you two together for whatever reason and cut you off and you crawled back as a paying customer.

[chelsey]

You're back to being a customer, plain and simple. She figured out that there's no romantic future for you two together for whatever reason and cut you off and you crawled back as a paying customer.

 

 

sex-workers are that, WORKERS. and no matter how special or happy she makes you feel it's still her job. she put you back in a paying role because it's more lucrative. Dinner and dancing are nice changes (i assume you paid for everything) but it doesn't pay cash. she'd love to have acess to your funds if you left your wife, or say offered to pay for all her bills like a good rich boyfriend, but that isn't happening. she is just doing what she can to keep you coming back. sure she probably likes you and had fun, she wouldn't have done it if she didn't, but a personal relationship with you just isn't as profitable as a professional one.

 

take it from me, this is how i paid rent in college.

[sky1200]

As I said, she's my best friend and as such I would support her like any other close friend - if not better.

 

 

I am confused, are you referring to your wife or the prostitute?

[Lizzie60]

My wife does not know that I use professional women to meet my needs... However, do you really think that's a good idea considering she's being treated for depression. It might make the individuals on this forum feel better but I don't think it would help her condition at all.

 

 

I agree.. it's NOT a good idea to tell her, especially if she's depressed.. however.. you should have a 'serious' talk with her.. cause she's not pulling her part of the deal..

 

Methink she might use her 'depression' to just get out of her 'sexual obligation'... I would bet anything on this one..

 

It's OK, IMO to go get your needs fulfilled outside.. but to fall in love with her.. that's a bit overboard.. cause trust me.. I KNOW.. she's definitely NOT in love with you.. you're not just like any other client.. or maybe you are.. it's hard to say... but you're still a 'client'...

[Reggie]

Trust me, as a former highly paid male prostitute(best boy in Garrett Morris' stable((well, except for Fred Garvin)) to the stars, she views you as a payday only.

[KismetGirl]

Yes...she needs to know the TRUTH OF HER MARRIAGE.

 

You see...this isn't just your marriage. The two of you SHARE it.

 

But you are UNILATERALY making a decision that truly does impact her...that she should have had input into making.

 

Maybe it's not wrong that you're sleeping with "professionals".

 

But you know darned well that you're wrong for sneaking behind her back to do so.

 

What do you think she would WANT you to do here?

 

Don't use her depression as an "out"...an excuse for you to do what you want to do.

 

Yes...even if she's depressed, she deserves the chance to decide if she's in agreemant with your "choice" or not. She gets the chance to decide if she still wants to be with you after your choice to sleep with "professionals"...and to begin an emotional (at least on your side) relationship with one.

 

Don't say "well its good for the forum to say"...many of us here have been betrayed, and are speaking from HER frame of reference.

 

Like I said...don't act like you're the only on in the marriage. Going to these other women was exactly that. You know it. And you know that your wife would not approve, would not have agreed...or else you would have already talked with her about this. Instead, you took matters into...someone else's hands...

 

Time to man up...do what you should have done all along.

 

I would agree that it might not "help her condition at all"...but that should have been part of your reasoning before you made the choice to go outside your marriage for this.

 

Ok, Im all for honesty but its not the best in every case. We don't know the extent of her depression, to be frank, and if she's even remotely capable of being suicidal certain bits of information would be beter left until she was not at her worst in treatment. Just saying....it's hard to gauge everything just by waht OP says.

 

He SHOULD make a decision , and he should address their relationship with her, but Im not sure that putting the bit about the "cheating" is going to help anything. he can just as easily address the lack of sex in the relationship by telling her he is considering it because of how he feels rather than admitting he's already done it AND fallen for one of the girls.

 

Actually, to be frank, he might get some help out of having a therapist and asking them the best way to address it with her, by giving more explicit details on her exact state of mind and being, so he can have a professional helping him. I'd hate to think we as anonymous advice-givers could give a man advice that would push his wife into hurting herself or worse....

 

Just saying, younever know. I've seen worse happen. ...

[RecordProducer]

The morality surrounding her profession would really be irrelevant if she really did love this man.

Kismet, you're very wise. I loved your posts.

 

For some people, cuddling and mutual masturbation is enough and at first we did this. But after a while she just wasn't into it anymore -- she didn't want to be touched sexually.

Of course! People are fooling themselves that innocent cuddling can replace erotic pleasure. Yes, she still has hands and a mouth, but a woman with no libido won't use them, and if she does, it will be a chore for her. Would any man find pleasure in these things? Or any woman?

My wife does not know that I use professional women to meet my needs... However, do you really think that's a good idea considering she's being treated for depression. It might make the individuals on this forum feel better but I don't think it would help her condition at all.

Good answer! No, I don't think you should tell your wife.

 

Trust me, as a former highly paid male prostitute(best boy in Garrett Morris' stable((well, except for Fred Garvin)) to the stars, she views you as a payday only.

Reggie, YOU were a male prostitute?

[desertmoon]

Trust me, as a former highly paid male prostitute(best boy in Garrett Morris' stable((well, except for Fred Garvin)) to the stars, she views you as a payday only.

 

LOL...:D:D! any famous stars we know?