Separated for a month now, in limbo land.

[sinatra]

Hey everyone, I'm new to the forum at least posting wise. I've read a lot of different posts on this topic. They are either one way or the other. A brief history on my situation.

 

Long story short version i hope. Basically my wife made a decision to move out because I've been in a deep seeded depression for the two years that we have been married. I lost my mother to cancer about a year before we meet. When we first meet we were in the crazy love stage for sure. We moved in together 6 months later. We got engaged and married within 9 months of us living together. After our honey moon I was offered a new job in the same industry and it was a much higher paying job. Well I didn't know the amount of stress that it would put me under. Soon i was thinking about work all the time and became pretty depressed. Our home life suffered and our sex life really never got to the next level of intimacy. We pretty much stopped having sex for about 7 months. Way too long!! She was telling me that something had to change but I just didn't think that meant I'm leaving. We fought a little but not that much. We have been best friends the entire time we've known each other. Which has been 4 years now. I was diagnosed with kidney cancer last year and that was a scare and i knew my job wasn't going to last through the end of the year. I had surgery to remove and the cancer was removed with success. Two days after I returned from that i was let go from my high paying job. I was the only source of income. i went deeper into depression at that time when I couldn't find a job right away.

 

After the years of neglect emotionally and physically she said she was moving out. She signed a year lease and moved out a month ago. Please don't get me wrong she is a great person and one of the most genuine loving people that I've ever known. I do know that I'm in the wrong here. I've expressed that to her in a mature way and not tried to beg her or bother her at all. We are still communicating through txt'ing mostly and have seen each other twice. the first time was very weird but the second time was casual and we had fun laughing and just shooting the bull. She hasn't told me at all what she wants. Just that she needs some time to figure out what she wants to do. There hasn't been a mention of divorce at this time just when we argued when she was leaving she said she did. After she left and the dust settled she hasn't mentioned it since. I've expressed how I'm very sorry for the way things have been for her over our marriage. I let her know that I love her and would like things to workout. I've also said that I hope in time that the positive changes that I'm making for myself will allow her to feel more comfortable with the thought of continuing the marriage.

 

I know there are a lot of pieces left out at this time, but I hope I can fill them in for you all as we go through this. We don't have kids just two great dogs. She has come over a couple of times and spent time with the dogs while I was at work. She also still tells me she loves me and is still calling me baby in the txt and emails.

 

I guess I'm just curious with how people would handle this situation. I have been giving her the space that she needs and it seems to be the best thing for the both of us at this time. It's very painful and there are times when i just break down. She has taken some more of her clothes and few chairs for her place. She has made a little home for herself and I'm happy that she isn't feeling the pressures of my depression.

 

I actually found a job with my company before the last one the day after she moved out. I'm doing really well with it. Her moving out really snapped me out of the funk at least enough to make a difference and try and make myself better. It's really helped me get out of the depression and I've been seeing a therapist and reading about every book there is on depression. Feeling Good is probably the most insightful book that I've read about depression and how to handle all the negative self talk.

 

I'm being patient with her and allowing her to hopefully heal a little from the physical and emotional neglect. I know this is the one of the number one things that a women doesn't like to feel is rejection. She made comments that she can't be the one to make me happy at this time and I have to do that for myself. The really hard thing that I would love for to be able see all the positive changes that I've made. I've rekindled old friendships and have been exercising again as well.

 

Sorry for the long story but I kept writing and dumping things out.

 

Please let me know if you need more info on certain topics to better understand our situation. Thanks for all the comments ahead of time.

 

I'm very hopeful but I'm expecting the worse and hoping for the best at this time. Just don't want to set myself up for a prolonged hurt when she maybe has made her mind up already. Looking for any woman out there to give some advice on whether you would continue to say I love you and calling him baby if you were done with the marriage.

 

I am very open to all the advice from everyone on here. There is a lot of great advice on here and I appreciate it.

[skywriter]

sinatra,

 

If your wife is still communicating to you that she loves you and calling you baby, I wouldn't think that all was lost, with your relationship.

 

You keep doing what you're doing to get healthy. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Best case scenario....

 

Eventually, your wife will see the man she fell in love with again...

[seibert253]

Work on youself. Became the best "you" you've ever been. Physically, emotionally, spiritally, and psychologically. She'll notice the changes and respect you for that. If she still loves you, she'll love the "new" you and be home in no time. The trick is, not falling back into old habits when she comes home.

[Biggie25x]

Yeah, I agree with the above. Your wife seems like she still wants to work on the relationship, she just needs some time. You'll know when she doesn't want to work on it. When she becomes cold and distant, almost like a stranger that you've never know.

 

Keep your chin up and work on your self. Follow through on the changes that you want to make and do it for yourself. In the long run if you make yourself better and happier it benefits you both. Remember to take time to listen to what she wants but make sure the relationship stays fair and calm.

 

Keep us posted. I've found a ton of help and advice through the people on these forums.

[sinatra]

I appreciate everyone reading my long and drawn out post. Thank you for the support as well. I definitely flip flop from being positive to being down in the dumps. I think one of the things that I've learned over this month is that I CANNOT rely on her for happiness or support. I haven't yet but it's really hard to not want to hear from her and wait for her txt's. I'm very early in this separation or possible divorce but I know that's one thing that I've learned from this whole process. You really have to find happiness and or support from other places in your life. It's probably been one of the hardest times in my life. I love her a great deal and just trying to respect her space and trust her to make the best decision for herself. Of course I want to be apart of that decision, but it does bring some relief in knowing that I can't really make a difference in that decision outside of what I can do for myself and hope that over time she will be able to really recognize it. If she doesn't than I will know that she truly has moved on. Time will tell. I'm waiting on a response from an email that I sent her on Monday. She said it was a great email and she would like to respond to it. Her email has been down this week and she's been pretty sick this week as well. I will update you all when I receive the email.

 

Pray for me everyone, I do hope things will turn around for the better.

[pelicanpreacher]

You only had 1 year to grieve the passing of your mother yet felt ready to jump headlong into a committed relationship and marriage? Methinks that because you never sufficiently healed from the loss of your mother that when the high of your new relationship came down those residual feelings of loss came flooding back to begin your drive into depression resulting in shutting your wife out of your life. I'm going to assume that the work that you do is something that required training or education of some sort and, as you've stated, that you are good at doing it despite the pressure so its safe to say that what you encounter there in of itself is but a distraction to the problems lying at the core of your depression. I'd advise that you get into therapy to truly explore and expunge all latent negative feelings that you continue to harbor towards the death of your mother for I don't believe your kidney disease was an act of chance considering the lingering depression you've endured and the timing of your cancer's happenstance. (its why they say that death tends to move in threes)

 

Your wife may have been feeling completely bereft and frustrated by this disconnection and loss of intimacy in your relationship and at a complete loss as to what to do to rectify it. Throughout this ordeal I suspect that you expected your wife to weather the storm of your dysfunction and act as your crutch until you decided that you were going to resolve your issues in your own way and time. Though I don't believe separation to be an ideal solution, in your case, it was probably the best catalyst available to effectively force you to reconcile your dysfunction with enough motivation to resolve it once and for all.

 

I believe there may be hope for your marriage yet but your state of mind is far too fragile for your wife to come back before you've exorcised all demons of the past. Until then, remain in contact with her to share your experiences regarding the journey you're both embarking upon to rekindle the closeness and intimacy you've lost along the way. In time she'll come to understand what you've been going through, help you to understand what she's been going through, and help the both of you to better understand your relationship and the level of effort, patience, cooperation, and communication it will take to sustain this marriage for the long haul.

 

Just because you don't argue doesn't mean its working, JMO!

 

GL!

[Gunny376]

Believe it or not? Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be ~ and that's a daily thing! You have to daily choose to make the decision to be happy and to make yourself happy, and to choose happiness over the alternative.

 

You have to choose to not to worry, and to structure your life, and you/we all need to turn off the TV and the ads that comes with it that tells us that we're nothing if we don't drive an $80,000 car, live in a $1,000,000 home ~ like some movie star, country star, pro-athletic ~ yada~yada.

 

If your native born to a Western country? Your ahead of the game! If you even just have a job? Your a head of the game! If you've got a roof over your head? Your ahead of the game!

 

If you've got health insurance? Your doing better than most of the six billion people walking around the planet. If you even have access to medical care? Your ahead of the game! Hell if you even have access to clean drinking water? Your ahead of the game ~ let alone to having even had anything to eat today?

 

Just being born in America?

 

Your so WAY ahead of the rest its unreal!

 

Think about it! MILLIONS of people come across the deserts of Central America, Mexico, the Southwestern United States on foot with nothing but the clothes on their back, without a passport? A Visa? Money? Zilch! Nothing! Nada!

 

And yet they find jobs, work, money ~ enough to find a place to live, even buy a home, and furnish it, a car or truck(s).

 

I realize the tie-in between men and their jobs ~ and their self esteem! I've been through that BIG TIME!

 

And I've been through the "husband being a good provider for the family should be enough" BS ~ and found out that it wasn't.

 

The HARD way!

 

You could stick your nose to the grindstone and work 70 hour weeks for twenty years and still end up with a divorce, or at least a wife who would tell you ~ "That's nice that you made VP, but I really wished you had just spent more time with the children and I!

 

What most of us men don't get is that women are for the most part are about relationships and that's what counts and matters most to them.

 

Relationships are what women DO!

 

Think about it! Carrying another human being inside of your body for nine months is all about being in a relationship orientated existence?

 

Many men don't get relationships? We compartmentize them? We may have a Army buddy? A fishing buddy? A hunting buddy? But we don't include them into the same circle. Not like women do?

 

My advice to you would be to back off, chill out, give it some time! Re-prioritize your priorities from work, being a provider, making money to re-focusing on working on your strengths and weaknesses.

 

To becoming the best you that you can become. You need to work on YOU and not the relationship with the STBXW. I believe from what you've posted? That you've got a chance, (not to give you false hope) but you've got to get your act together!

[dead-dyke]

Nice post, Gunny. Nice post.

[skywriter]

I believe all the post are spot on with continuing to focus on yourself, your health mentally and physically.

 

Pelican, your post is very insightful. It's so true that we all tend to compartmentalize experiences in our lives. We just do, that's life and we keep on keeping on. We swallow "it" , put the next foot forward and go on with it. Before we know it, the perverbial monkey , uninvited as it was, is on our back.

 

Happens to the best of us. Knowledge is power. I think you're going to be alright, no matter which way this situation turns out, because you don't seem to be turning towards destructive behavior. It just slows you down and adds yet another hurdle.This is coming from experience, here...

[sinatra]

Thanks again for responding. Today has been probably the hardest day that I've had in a long time. I've broken down many times today. The reason for breaking down is that I just have a bad feeling that she has moved on and is trying to let me down easy. I just don't know. I sent her 500 yesterday because she missed a couple of days of work from being sick. She was very grateful and said that helps a lot when I do that. She again called me baby and said I love you at the end of the txt. Frankly I'm pretty scared about losing her in the sense of she being such a great person and we are very good together. I haven't really heard from her that much expect for a couple of txt messages. She came and took more stuff from the house that belonged to her. That really makes me think that she has made her mind up or it's really going to be a long time before she would even think if returning. She did sign a year lease and that's big hint I guess.

 

I'm struggling today everyone and I guess I'm looking for guidance on how I can handle these emotions and the negative thoughts of her not wanting to work on this. I think sometimes I'm just really kidding myself thinking that she wants this to work. When I don't hear from her I start thinking of the worst. She said that she was going to respond to the email that I sent her a week ago and I haven't received a response yet. Her email was supposed to be fixed yesterday I guess. I've kept a cool head throughout most of this and today I feel like it's falling apart. I guess this is normal but it's so hard to be in limbo and not know what she is going to do. I've continued to respect her space and even though I've wanted to call her and talk with her I haven't. We saw each other a week ago today. It was a good time, but I'm going to let her take the lead on if and when she would like to see me again. She could have seen me on Thursday when she picked up more stuff. She left before I came home from work. I understand that being in the house together may have been weird.

 

Could use some help here today everyone I'm hurting maybe worse than I ever have. The negative thoughts of losing her this way is unbearable sometimes.

 

Thanks

[sky1200]

Is she seeing another man? If she is, you need to know. That must be the first step before you figure out the next step.

[Gunny376]

"For every action there's an equal and opposite reaction." ~ That my friend is an absolute law of physics that resounds throughout the universe.

 

Therefore with that being said, if an individual wanted to find a GF/BF then what they need to do is give up their need for such ~ and give a damn if they ever have one? If you wanted to get laid again, give up on focusing on it, and get busy focusing on something else that you should be working on your life. And if your like most of us ~ there's plenty of that!

 

When you finally get it into your head to go NC, and quit chasing after her, texting her, calling her, 'being there for her", accept things for what they are and as they are ~ one of two things will happen! She'll either come back to you on your terms, or she will move on.

 

Either way its a win-win for you, (and I realize that your having a hard time seeing that right now ~ WORK ON IT!)

 

The person that in charge and responsible for your happiness? That would be the person you see in the mirror each morning! YOU! You and no-one else.

 

She's not the one in charge of your life, your happiness, contentment ~ zlich, nothing. Life is too freaking short to pine it away for anyone given person.

 

Lets say that there is such a thing as "Tha One" (Which by the way Sportsfan ~ there's not!) and lets say you come from the "perfect family" with the "perfect parents" and had the "perfect childhood and life" (Yea Right Mr. Leave It Beaver!)

 

Eventually, sooner of latter any and all of those people are going to leave your life. And if you live to be 150 years old ~ your going to be old and alone.

 

The simple fact of the matter is? Once your parents are gone? Your pretty much on your own in this life, and as you grow older your going to find that all you ever really had in this life? Was yourself.

 

I wouldn't give her spit! She's the one that walked out, and once a woman walks out on me? She's nothing but history! There's no coming back! Its over with, did and done! Turn the page ~ new chapter in my life I've got to get my happy @ss a busy writing!

 

She missed a couple of days of work because she was sick? Next weeks paycheck is going to be half of what its normally is? Oh too bad, too sad!

That's a little something I like to call ummmmmmm,..................."LIFE"

 

She didn't have that problem when she was with you, now did she! You had her "back" and had it covered.

 

Someone leaves you? All it means is you've got to go and find yourself someone new who appreciates what you've got to offer and bring to the table.

[Gunny376]

Forgot to add!

 

The "game" she's running on you is called "FOG" ~ Fear, Obligation, and Guilt!

 

Its a mind-f**k game, and is nothing more than blackmail!

 

She's moved out on you, and is still moving out on you when your not there. She's not going? She's gone ~ and NEWSFLASH?

 

She's not coming back! She's probally already has someone else, and/or has someone she's got her sights on? Women seldom leave a man without having another to go to? She's milking you for everything you've got!

 

Its like the old joke where a drunk guy calls up his X at 2:00 in the morning and tells her he hates her, she's a slut, a bitch, worthless, but if she wants she still has a chance with him!"

 

Can't you see what she's doing to you? She's setting you up! She's playing you! She's freaking using you!

[Chrome Barracuda]

If it's one thing you gotta stop doing , it's chasing her, let her crawl to you.

If she aint making overtures in your direction? what's the point? your holding on to a ghost. it's time for you to think of your future without her.

[seibert253]

If you don't listen to anyone else, listen to Barracuda and Gunny. They've been in the trenches, they know what they're talking about, and they're RIGHT.

Peace,

[skywriter]

Sinatra,

 

You really have to try and live your life. This isn't to say that you and your wife won't be able to reunite, eventually.

 

When you get fed up with living in limbo, and get angry enough knowing that she is going on with her life , you'll consider some important facts;

 

Her actions versus her words ("baby" , "love ya")

 

She's got her own place

 

she's living her life, doing her own thing

 

Sinatra, why don't you deserve to be happy too? By doing so, does this change the fact that you love your wife and want to be a family again?

[sinatra]

I agree that I do deserve to be happy. Unfortunately I'm still holding on to hope and that seems to hinder my ability to move on. I got a letter in the mail that shows that she put in for a change of address. I'm pretty sure that was going to happen anyway because this would be a long term separation anyway. It will or would take some time to repair what we have. I've started the NC as of Saturday and she hasn't contacted me. She has also been burning the candle at both ends and is still sick. Not trying to make excuses for her but I know she is stressed to the max.

 

I'm just going to take the tactic of giving her some space and let her think some things through. I can only continue to better myself and if I do have the chance to interact with her than make the most it. She hasn't mentioned divorce to me yet and I think if she was she really wouldn't be saying that I love you. Even though I'm sure other people have experienced the same thing. I hope that all isn't lost but it might just be too late for her to want to continue.

[skywriter]

Oh Sinatra, you seem to be such a compassionate, devoted mate, that just fell into a depression.

 

Dear heart, there isn't anything wrong with holding onto hope, "if", you can keep a healthy perspective and balance. The hope and the "what is", reality. For ex; Do you ever ask yourself, would she do this for me when you're doing thoughtful things for her?

 

I just wish, for your sake, that you could just think, "wait just a minute here!" "I'm a good man and it aint' going down like this!"

 

Bless your heart, all you've been going through and still you write, "she's stressed to the max". She's still saying, "I love you". Well Sinatra, you are a shining example of how, "love" does not a marriage make.

 

I realise that there are various versions of this situation, your, hers and the truth, so I do keep an open mind. All I can do is comment on your side. This is why I consider what you told and that was when you were down and out , what happened? I'm sorry, but that is cruel to me.

 

About a month before my ex-H walked out, I had walking pneumonia and bronchitis/ sinusitis. I was probably the sickest I've ever been. Doc' wanted me to be admitted to the hospital but I literally broke down into tears and said I have two children at home that depend on me. So she gave me a 1000mg of penicillin and some other perscrips to help knock it out, My 14 yr old son would pick my head up off the pillow to give me sips of water. My ex-H complained about getting my meds and threw them at me in the bed, telling me I owed him such in such amt.

 

My point is, "actions!" They speak volumes! All the I love you's in the world , if she tatooed, "I LOve Sinatra" on her forehead! So what!

 

Oh, Just wanted to add, good job on the NC. I imagine it is very difficult. By the way, you talk about how you are working on yourself. While that's great and please, do it for you, not her. As I mentioned before about there being your side, hers and the truth. It sounds like she could stand to take some cues from you and work on herself too. It may come down to "you" deciding wether or not "you" want to stay married in the end! peace....

[sinatra]

Thanks again skywriter. I really think that's pretty much what happened. I got to a point that the depression caused pretty much all of this to happen. It's a shame that the work I'm putting into myself isn't something she can witness. I also do know that someone else out there will be the beneficiary of this work if it comes to that. I'm just not there yet and not willing to give it up yet.

 

I agree actions do speak louder than words and that's what I'm following at this point forward. Yes the no contact thing is pretty much one of the hardest things I've had to do as of yet. Keeping the negative thoughts out of my head is a minute by minute struggle. I just don't see a reason to keep txting back and forth at this point. It's probably time to start the moving on phase and expect the worse for the future.

 

I'm also sorry to hear what you went through. That is something that I would be very hurt by and I feel sorry that you went through something like that. I do hope you are doing better at this time and have moved on.

 

I will keep everyone updated on what happens next. Probably will not be a positive or good story when I respond again.

[skywriter]

You're so welcome Sinatra. Thank you as well.

 

Sometimes when you turn your focus onto someone elses circumstances, it helps to see your own a bit clearer. If this makes any sense. Does to me. LOL

 

As for the negative thoughts staying out of your head. For myself, I try to surround myself with good folks, excercise and get proper rest. I'm far from perfect, fall off the beaten path occasionally. When I do, I just dust myself off and keep on keeping on.

 

When I do good, (excercise daily) I reward myself. It's kind of a mind game I have to play with myself. When I go to the fitness room 3 days a wk. I get to go to the tanning bed./ If I don't I get zilch. Hey, whatever it takes! Right?

 

Anyway, I wish you well on your lifes journey, Sinatra. We have to roll with the punches, but in between all that we can at make the journey a bit smoother for ourselves. Take care...

[sinatra]

So yesterday was of course a hard day. A little recap of the weekend. I sent her flowers on Friday and that seemed to be a good move. She txted and said that it was very sweet and unexpected and that she loved them. I then txted her late on Saturday night and let her know that I knew that she was working very hard and that I wished her sweetdreams and for her to sleep well. She txted that she was about to txt me as well. She said that she got home from a rough day and saw the flowers and made her smile. I let her know that she was welcome and that I kissed the dogs for her and that I loved her. She txted that she loved me as well. I called her on Sunday to wish her a happy easter and she was working. She called me later in the day when she got off work. I told her that it was really great to hear her voice. She told me that she wanted to call me last night but that I said goodnight and she thought that I was going to sleep and was tired. We talked for a little a while and I said that I missed her but she didn't reciprocate the comment. I then let her know that I wanted to see her and she said that she didn't know her schedule and wasn't sure when she could see me. That made me a little upset but I didn't let her notice that I was upset at the time. We talked a little bit more and I told her that I would let her go and that I loved her and she did say that she loved me as well.

 

I'm just frustrated to be in this state of not knowing what the hell is going to happen. I think she is feeling guilty and not wanting to let me know. On the other hand by her saying that she wanted to call me on Saturday I figured that she wouldn't have told me that if she was leaning towards divorcing me. Also calling me back after she saw that I tried to call her. All those things do give me signs of hope. I think again it seems as if she isn't ready to discuss anything or that she hasn't really healed from the years of neglect at this point. Do you all think that I'm being impatient in expecting something after 6 weeks of this? I'm just getting very frustrated and I do want to be patient with her and let her open up to me in her own time but it's just the hardest thing to do and it seems to be affecting my progress on working on myself.

 

I'm looking for anyone's opinion on the behavior I guess at this point.

[sinatra]

It's a struggle to learn so much about depression and how much it affects you sexually and in other ways and not be able to let her know. I guess I have to trust that she either cares to eventually want to know those things or not. I don't want to send her another long email on what I've learned. I think that would just be another let down for me maybe not getting a response.

 

I haven't spoken or contacted her since Sunday and I'm probably waiting until tomorrow or Friday to contact her. I might even just wait for her to contact me and see if she just doesn't want to contact me at this point.

 

I'm trying to step away and focus on other things going on in my life and I think I'm doing a pretty good job. It becomes more difficult over time when I don't hear from her for a while.

 

One thing I wanted to get out is that I'm going through a lot with processing my mother's death this week. I'm working with a friend that is going through his mother's death this week. They are taking her off the ventilator tomorrow and she will pass shortly there after. I'm also putting a memento into my mother's space in the mausoleum. This is something that I feel will help me move on with my mother's death. I've held onto that since she passed. These are all things that I would love to share with W, but I understand that she's not ready yet.

[Gowithflow]

You are in a very dark space right now my friend. Do not rely on her for comfort. I would go no contact for the most part. Give yourseld a couple months to reflect and see where you are later down the road. She already knows you love and miss her and that you have regrets. If she wants to talk then just listen. nothing more right now.

[sinatra]

She sent me an email and said that she has thought about it and would like to move on with the divorce. This is one of the saddest days of my life. Plus she did it in an email!!! She has so much guilt that she can't even face me or hear my voice. I'm pissed and moving forward at this point. It's going to be so hard to do but u have no choice anymore. At least I know what happens next and not in limbo land anymore.

[Chrome Barracuda]

She sent me an email and said that she has thought about it and would like to move on with the divorce. This is one of the saddest days of my life. Plus she did it in an email!!! She has so much guilt that she can't even face me or hear my voice. I'm pissed and moving forward at this point. It's going to be so hard to do but u have no choice anymore. At least I know what happens next and not in limbo land anymore.

 

Sorry to hear that

You know what though screw her and the horse she rode off on. ou can be a better man for someone elkse who wont be a coward and run off at the first sign of trouble, Your mother just passed and she doesnt even let you grive justs shoves another knife in there. Some wife you got huh?

 

For that you should focus your attention soley on you.

 

Go get a lawyer and see what you both co-jointly own and start splitting everything 50/50 no emotions, no anger, just forget her.