Separated for a month now, in limbo land.

[seibert253]

Sucks man. I was hoping an praying things would work out. But sometimes they don't.

You got knocked down, you now have a choice.

Continue to lay there feeling sorry about the *****ty hand you've been delt, or get the f&ck up, dust yourself off, and drive on.

Move forward, never fall back.

Time to go NC and stick with it. Don't return calls, emails or texts. If you have any demands or requests, do it through your attorney.

[sinatra]

Thanks MsMelancoly, I am just devastated and having a very hard time getting out of bed and moving forward. I feel this is completely worse than the first time around. I feel so bad for her and feel sorry for where she is. She's completely lost and just running away from all of her pain. She hasn't looked at it once or even dealt with it. That's a true statement that you can't work on a M or commit to anything if you're still holding on to resentment's and blaming me for everything. She kept bringing all that up and never trying to or say that she was committed to working on it. Even after the emails and the txt's and everything. There were no signs that she wasn't fully committed to this thing. I think that's just the hardest thing for me is that I was so happy you don't understand. I can't believe I'm sitting her typing this stuff in here. I thought that I would be moving towards her coming home and that's not the case and never will be the case. I want to just sleep and not think about any of this stuff anymore.

 

I know I'm so weak right now, I could really use some support right now from everyone. Any comments and words of encouragement help. She F**** left me twice and I don't see me being able to accept this one and move forward

[Chrome Barracuda]

SINATRA! GET UP OFF YOUR AZZ AND MOVE.

 

The time to mope is coming to a close. You know why great white sharks swim forever because if they stop they die!

 

You need to move on for yor benefit. She's an idiot and you should have not accepted her back so simple and easily. That's your fault but you know what, now that she left for a second time. It's time for you to make a new life for yorself and live life by your own rules. Finalize the divorce and stay NC with this idiot. Let the OM take care of her, she does this to you because mentally she seems to wield power over you which women get off of. You take away that power and she has nothing.

 

It's all a game to her, you need to stop playing. Focus on your health and live.

 

Go see a lawyer and en this joke of a marriage, get better and focus on getting that cancer beaten!

 

Then rebuild. Matter of fact. I think you should file and start dating. I mean she's with the OM still right? Let that idiot deal with her stupidity. Some women arent long run prospects and some cannot just be wives for long because it's all a charade for them. in sickness and in health,

 

...yeah right.

 

Right there shold have pissed you off enough to file. I would have. Your struglling with a life threatening disease and she's off getting banged by another guy??? WTF? some wife she is!

 

It pisses me off if I was you! you need to move past her.

[skywriter]

Sinatra,

Hey.... Hope you've managed to get yourself out of bed.

 

You feel sorry for her because she is completely lost.

How about you?

 

I"m sorry to repeat myself, but, c'mon now. You've been kind of in "limbo" as you said, just waiting for her to "find" herself...

[Athena]

Sinatra, I found out something today... I went to see my counselor and told her that since last week I was 'out of my depression' (my H recently had yet another affair and I got depressed for several weeks).

 

I explained what I had done -- gone to see a divorce attorney, told my H I was disappointed in him...

My counselor said that I am no longer depressed because I am taking control of the situation... when I looked at her quizzically she added "Depression is when you feel powerless"... Now for the first time I realized WHY I got depressed in the first place, and why I continued to get depressed each time things 'just happened' to me... (never in my life before my H's infidelities did I get depressed)... so I am thinking it's when you think like a victim and feel you have NO choices, you get depressed and paralyzed. I think YOU need to turn things around and START MAKING DECISIONS if for no other reason than to feel like you have control of your own life and what happens to you. Good luck, hope you can use this to snap out of it... don't feed into the depression by doing nothing...

[Gunny376]

Sinatra, I found out something today... I went to see my counselor and told her that since last week I was 'out of my depression' (my H recently had yet another affair and I got depressed for several weeks).

 

I explained what I had done -- gone to see a divorce attorney, told my H I was disappointed in him...

My counselor said that I am no longer depressed because I am taking control of the situation... when I looked at her quizzically she added "Depression is when you feel powerless"... Now for the first time I realized WHY I got depressed in the first place, and why I continued to get depressed each time things 'just happened' to me... (never in my life before my H's infidelities did I get depressed)... so I am thinking it's when you think like a victim and feel you have NO choices, you get depressed and paralyzed. I think YOU need to turn things around and START MAKING DECISIONS if for no other reason than to feel like you have control of your own life and what happens to you. Good luck, hope you can use this to snap out of it... don't feed into the depression by doing nothing...

 

This should be made a permanent post!

 

Stand up and testify Athena! Stand up and testify! Don't hold back!

 

You cannot be a victim unless you allow yourself to be one!

 

Better to die standing than to serve on your knees!

 

You can no longer be a doormat unless you allow yourself to be one!

 

The day you walk out of depression is the day you choose to do so!

 

The day you walk out of a miserable life? Is the day you choose!

 

So oftentimes we find ourselves in chains, to only find that it is we that have always held the keys.

 

At the end of the day? Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be? And for most of us? That's a daily choice ~ I know it is for me!

 

I got out of the misery business ~ got out there and rub a little sunshine on my face! Made my mind up that I was going to be and choose happiness over misery. That I didn't need someone to validate me! I didn't need someone make me complete ~ and if that meant my being single and alone for the rest of my life? So be it!

 

Thing is? I know that I'm a good person and good people ~ and always try and do the right thing. I try and treat and speak to others the way that I would want to be treated were I they.

 

Just do the right thing! You know what it is ~ it was written upon your heart the day you were born by none less than God Himself!

 

Just don't let the @ssholes of the world walk tall on your @ss ~ and believe me! They're out there. Just around the corner, hiding in the alley with a Louisville Slugger to use on you just to see the look on your face!

 

But yea at some point in time you've got to make the decision to either get your happy @ss busy living your life and taking personal responsibility for your own true happiness ~ or get your @ss busy dying and living a miserable life!

[sinatra]

Thank you both Athena and Gunny. This morning I woke up and it hit me like a ton of bricks and I cried my eyes out. I'm trying to figure out why the hell it's hitting me so hard this time around. I think it's because I feel like I had a chance and I blew it by not letting her in when she was asking to come back in and it gave her time to put her wall back up.

 

Athena your post did hit home because when I went to forward with talking to an attorney and just made the decision to accept and move on is when I started to feel better. Then I had the most hope that I've ever had and I was the happiest that I ever was when she came begging back and I was so wanting it to work. When she showed up and had doubts right off the bat, probably being in the house to soon scared her. It crushed me all over again and brought me back down into the depression.

 

To be completely honest that's one of my fears is being brought down into the depression. I know I shouldn't let one person have that much power or control over me but it's the fact that my marriage was hanging on a thread and I did everything right to get a response from her and then I screwed it up because I moved to fast and scared her off. Was it my fault that I scared her off? Was it just because she really didn't want it to work and she was just having a very hard day and reached out to me and then realized that she really didin't want it to work when she saw me and we started to talk about it?

 

I hear everyone when they say it will be ok. I know that it will be ok, but how does one make a decision not to feel pain. I understand what everyone is saying but I just don't know how you wake up and stop yourself from not feeling the rush of pain that follows to know your marriage is over with?

[sinatra]

I heard what Athena and Gunny had to say. I really agree with that and it lead me to send an email to my wife. I know what most are going to say. Go NC and leave it alone. That's my plan at this point, but I feel by sending this I feel like less of a victim in the situation and feel that I have processed things in a different manner. The problem is that she feels because she hasn't processed anything it's not fair to me to hang on and wait for her to do that. I'm basically letting her know that I understand what she's feeling and that I'm moving forward and it's up to her to make her own decision if she wants to move forward with us.

 

I would really like anyone's opinion on the email, I know it's long but I do value everyone's opinion. I'm not expecting anything from her but I feel like this needed to be said.

 

Hi,

 

 

 

After thinking about things more I understand now that you haven't forgiven me. I think meeting in a neutral location or meeting with our therapist together would have been a better approach so that we both could have had guidance to deal with our emotions and issues. I know that you need to heal at your own pace. I made an assumption that you were further along with processing your anger and hurt and I didn't realize the depths of your fears and apprehension that night. I feel that we have much love for each other but it would take a decision from both of us to move beyond the past. I understand that you would have to be ready in your own time. I know it's very hard for you to move past the fact that I made these changes after you moved out. I do know that's a hard thing for you to accept, but I feel if one day you could accept that real changes did happen with me when you made that decision I think it would help you get to a point of moving past some of the hurt even if you still didn't see us working through it together. You have to do that on your own time. I know that you have been hurting and I have as well more than you know. I also know that it doesn't matter what anyone else ever thinks about what happened with us or our marriage. It's between you and I and that's all that will ever matter.

 

 

 

When you sent the email to reach out I was so happy and apprehensive at the same time. I didn't commit to it and say yes come over because I was also very scared of getting hurt and opening up my heart so I thought maybe a few days would allow us time to really think. While I was thinking over the weekend I decided that I did really want to move forward with opening up and trying to heal. I'm sorry I mis construed what your intentions were when you came over. It must have made you feel scared and very apprehensive to move towards opening up when you talked with me. I assumed that you were at a point of wanting to put the past behind us and move forward with healing each other. I understand that it takes more time for that to happen and you don't feel that you are ready and may never feel that you are. I do hope that you some day work through your anger, resentment and hurt towards me even if we aren't together. I think maybe in time when and if you feel ready that talking with someone yourself will help you to process your feelings. I truly feel that it helped me to process what I was feeling and allow me to move beyond what was holding me back as a person.

 

 

 

I would like you to know that you did see a little of the new happy ****. I would love to make things work between the both of us and end the misery that we are going through and be able to have a new start, but I can understand that you don't see that being able to happen because of the pain that you are harboring. Like I said I do hope that one day you can at least not feel the pain and the anger when you think of me or our marriage. I also hope that one day you will understand that it was never my intent to hurt you or jeopardize our marriage. I will respect your wishes and move on with our divorce. It will take me a month or two to be able to save some money to get it started. If you find a way to have it done another way and would like it done sooner I will understand.

 

 

 

I sent this to you because I didn't like the way that we said goodbye. I know that I was upset and those were my true emotions that just came out. I hope you know that I am and will be ok. I only truly wish the best for you with everything in your life. You are such an amazing person I can't put it into words. Please don't work yourself too hard with ***** and *****. I wish you nothing but the best with those two ventures and hope that **** flourishes with you as the chef, I know it will if you have anything to say about it. Please don’t over work yourself.

 

 

 

You will always have a place in my heart.

[Gunny376]

Bottom line?

 

What it comes down to is that you've got yourself and yourself only!

 

Live your life for yourself and yourself only.

 

Not for someone else ~ not even your children.

 

You've got to learn to love yourself ~ because no one else is going to do it for you!

 

You've got to become passionate about yourself and about your Life!

 

Your self worth isn't dependent upon another.

 

Seek not others to complete you? But who complement you!

[skywriter]

Right on, Gunny Man! You speak the truth and so well!

[sinatra]

Thanks Gunny you're right. What are your thoughts on the letter if you don't mind giving your opinion?

 

I'm thinking you wouldn't have sent something like that if you were in my situation, but I do value your opinion on it or anyone's for that matter.

 

I feel good about sending it but of course had a rough weekend and had my doubts after thinking about it.

[Gunny376]

The letter is irrelevant ~ she's illrelevant!

 

What matters and is to be taken into consideration is yourself ~ your being ~ your existence. What matters is yourself.

 

What matters is yourself!

 

Regardless if she wants to be part of your existence or not is the question?

 

Let's say she loved you to death and died? Lets say she was your one and truly devoted and loved you beyond measure? Let's say she was faultless and meet any and all your physical and emotional needs? But died?

 

But died?

 

What would you do? Suicide yourself?

 

No!

 

You get yourself together, pull the pieces of your life together and get your happy @ss busy living!

 

Either that or get your happy @ss busy dying!

 

You've only got about 25,000 days in doing so!

 

Personallly I've already wasted and pissed away too many on too many lame women/people! :mad::mad::mad:

 

Get your happy @ss busy living ~ or get busy dying!

[Gunny376]

I've done the 'depression' thing

 

I've done the 'msery' thing

 

I've done the drinking until stupid thing!

 

I've beaten myself up! ~ Could of, should of, would of..............................

 

What it comes down to?

 

You've got to choose

 

You've got to choose to be happy each and everyday!

 

You've got to be positive each and everyday!

 

You've got to work at becoming the best "me" that you can become, regardless of anyone else!

[sinatra]

Thanks Gunny, I appreciate it. You're correct on all accounts. It's the doing it everyday thing that's the struggle, but it has to be done no excuses.

 

Again thanks for the kick in the a$$, we all need it everyday. The key is to be able to give it ourselves I guess.

[skywriter]

Sinatra,

 

You've know full well that you're going to have many difficult emotional days ahead of you.

 

So.... Just keep posting and getting good advice and pep talks because you aren't alone, or rather, you don't have to go through this alone.

[sinatra]

The weekends are the absolute worst at this point. I'm trying to do all the things that I know I should be but the pain is still there. I wanted to reach out to her so badly this weekend it was unbeleiveable how hard it was to not reach out. The silence on both sides has been deafening. Even though I understand what everyone is saying and that she left me during the worst time of my life which is completely true and that I should completely NC her which I've done since I sent her the email.

 

I guess my only options are to continue to just move forward. That sounds so easy but is really not easy at all, no one said it was going to be easy. I know this is somewhat of a rant at this point, but I guess I'm having a pretty weak time of it all.

 

Need some support during the NC and trying to detach emotionally and feeling like complete and utter crap during all this. It just sucks to love someone that has done this to you. On top of it all I'm feeling pretty bad physically and trying to sort all that out can be very overwhelming with this going as well.

 

I read all the other posters and see all the crappy things people do to each other all basically for selfish reasons.

[skywriter]

Sinatra!

Hi!!! I've looked for your post, because I hoped to hear, that you are getting along ok. And...you are, you just may not realise it right now.

 

It's hard I understand to have to go through this part of a painful, life altering change. No, one person, can take away what you are going through. However, one really genuine friend, or family member ,can sure be a rock ,at times. I do, hope you have at least one person you can turn to.

 

NC is absolutley excrusiating, and for me it was as if my oxygen was being slowly decreased and after some time had passed it became more like a second wind if you will and as if a burden was lifted. Time is really the only way to get to the other side. I KNOW, YOU'VE HEARD THIS SO MANY TIMES! Sinatra, it's a fact.

 

Many people are keen on counseling, some prefer self help books, others turn to religion and the list goes on. Only you know what works for Sinatra. Could be cycling , or fishing. All, I can tell you is don not cut yourself off from the world. You are special in your own way and I am positive that someone else , family, friends, co workers, someone does agree with that you are.

 

Just because your soon to be ex has chosen another path in life, doesn't change the fact that you are a special person. (((Big hug)))

[seibert253]

Good to see you're still around Sinatra. Yeah weekends suck. At least during the week you have work to occupy your time. Proud that you've stayed strong and stayed the course. Yeah man it sucks and it's hard. It's gonna get harder before it gets better. Remember, it's always darkest right before the light.

 

God never tests us with more than we can handle. If you have close friends or family, use them as a support mechanism. Tell them everything, and ask them to help. As time goes by, the pain will lessen and one day you'll notice this. It will be like wow, I really don't feel as bad as I did several days ago. Continued NC will hasten the healing.

 

I know you've heard this before, but ONE DAY AT A TIME. If nothing else, we're here. (Big friend hug here my man)

Peace to you my friend.

[sinatra]

I've definitely regressed with dealing with this. I'm back to the point of not wanting to get out of bed anymore at this point. My depression has been pretty bad lately I can admit to that.

 

I'm concerned that even if she wanted to reach out she doesn't feel like she can at this point. I'm worried about how much time is slipping away as well. I want to break the NC but I know that's not a good idea. The other part of me says that if she wanted to really reach out that she would and nothing would make a difference.

 

Of course the other side of everything is that I need to stop thinking about it and dwelling on it and just try and move on completely. I guess the letting go is the hard part right now. When you don't want to let go I have a hard time trying to move forward with it all.

[skywriter]

Sinatra,

 

As simplistic as it sounds, sometimes people come and go in our lives.

 

Please don't let this paralyze you into moving forward with your life.

 

I promise you that if you don't go ahead, put one foot in front of the other and keep going on with your life. You'll regret it, in time. You'll have to deal with it,eventually so go through the changes, because they will be there today, and next week. What would your family tell you to do?

[sinatra]

Yea they say the same thing as well. I am getting out of bed and going to work. I'm trying to live my life the best way I can which you all are right it's one day at a time. I guess we all go through the different stages of grief and when you aren't expecting the depressed stage to come back you are takin for a loop.

 

Thought I was a lot stronger and further a long is all. Not exactly liking the life that I'm left with at this point all though I feel very fortunate to have a good job and house that I hope I can keep and two great dogs! Those are things that do keep me going and force to me to just keep moving forward.

 

There are so many people on this forum that have it so much worse than I. I see the 20 year marriage's with kids and no job kind of posts. I am fortunate as long as my health holds and I can keep my house I think things will be ok. Doesn't lessen the pain at all and the feelings of lost dreams and hopes with the person that you love so much, but it does help in putting things in perspective and with my priorities right now.

 

Thank you skywriter and seibert253 for your supportive comments. I hope once I pass through all this I can be as much help to some as you are all with me.

[skywriter]

Oh Sinatra,

 

You are doing great give yourself some credit. Getting up, working, keeping your home and your sweet pets, says a mouthful about how responsible and loving you are. No doubt , you are a wonderful person.

 

You just can't defy time, none of us did ,when we were struggling as you are now. I just won't accept that you aren't gonna make it through this. You've got so, so much going for you, so don't you accept it either. Just hang on for the ride cause you're gonna be a better,wiser, stronger person for it.

 

Man do I ever know what you're saying about breaking down, just when you thought you'd made it through another agonizing day. I used to do that on the commute home. I tried to get it ouot before I got home to my two kids. I'd look like hell when I got there, but I made it.

 

I hope you don't mind a big ole' cyber ((hug)), cause sometimes we just need one!! You're doing better than you believe you are Sinatra!

[Gunny376]

I use to work as production supervisor at a manufacturing plant, that employed "work-release" ~ guys in prison about to be paroled out in a year or two.

 

Well they say that if you try you can learn something from everyone that your meet in life?

 

I learned from these guys that in so long as you've got your health, your strength, (mental, emotional, physical) and your freedom? Your way ahead of the ball game.

 

I had one guy that worked for me that was 50+, that was serving a twenty-six month sentence on embezzlement of a retirement fund. He lost his wife, (his third one) his houses (as the cabin in the mountains, the one at the beach, and another one) his cars, his business on the side.

 

He lost his job as a CEO and his six - figure income, and was doing manual labor for $8.50 hour. Hot, nasty, sweaty work,

 

There's always going to be someone who's better off than us, do better than us, who's smarter, better looking ~ while the truth of the matter is?

 

Most of us are worse off than some, but better than most. Be it 'looks' possessions, material things, whatever.

 

People come and people go in our lives, and that's a fact. Be it because we want them to, or because they choose to do so.

 

All too often in life people come and go in our lives even when they don't want to?

 

None the less? No one person makes a show ~ and this is your life ~ and it goes on no matter what.

 

The Five Stages of Grief are not so much steps #1. #2, #3. You can find yourself in one, then two, then three, and then "BAM" right back to one again.

 

Depression is something that you choose not to do! And that's a struggle for most of us?

 

But the fact of the matter is? Most people are about as happy as they choose to be each and everyday.

 

I had to choose to be happy each and everyday of my life!

 

I had to choose to laugh!

 

I had to learn how to choose to smile again!

 

I had to choose to laugh again!

 

I had to choose to be positive again!

 

I had to choose to be pro-active!

 

I had to choose be accentuate the positive, and to go out each and everyday and make myself happy ~ because that's my job and not someone else's!

 

I had to choose to drag my happy @zz out of bed, and hit the shower and throw some cold water on my face! I had to choose to make the bed instead of leaving it unmade ~ even though I found myself single and alone again ~ and who would really give a damn?

 

I did! I had to choose to start giving a damn!

 

Our lives are not so much defined by others as they are by ourselves. Our self worth is not determined by others, as they are by we ourselves.

 

You can't live your life for your parents, and your cannot live your life for and through your children. You, we ~ we all must live our lives for ourselves.

 

In the Marine Corps we had what we termed "false motivation" ~ what some would call "fake it until you make it!"

 

The best example of this I can offer up would be "PT" or 'physical training'

 

From time to time a Marine would fall off the PT wagon? Might be because of an injury, broken leg, whatever?

 

When he or she got over their injury after being in a cast for six months etc. They would have to go physical rehab, and then get back on the long and dusty trail of PT (running, sit ups, push-ups, etc) but would lack the mental~emotional discipline to go out and run one, two, three, four, five, six miles.

 

In short they would have to force themselves out each and every day ~ five or six days a week to do it.

 

At first they hated it, because its hard. But given time?

 

They wanted to do it, needed to do it.

 

That's what your going through ~ mental / emotional rehab!

 

Sure its painful, it hurts! You want to crawl under the covers and hide from the world.

 

Before you went through this you use to soar, now it takes everything you can do to crawl through Life ~ let alone each day!

 

As a man? Your wanting to "cave" ("Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus"

 

Get out of your "cave" and out there in Life! Get yourself busy shinnin' and a grinnin, and just laughing your @zz off. Put a smile on your face, get your happy @zz to laughing if for no other reason than to keep from crying!

 

Get out there and "rub some sunshine on your face!"

 

Life is for living!

 

Either get yourself busy living or get yourself busy dying!

 

Most of us only have about 25,000 days to live?

 

Don't waste not a single one on begging someone to let you love them.

 

Someone leaves you? Your fault? Their fault? No one's fault ~ it means one thing and one thing only?

 

You've got to get off your dead @zz and go and find yourself someone new that appreciates what you've got to offer, and what you're bringing to the table.

 

Damn the bad luck!

[skywriter]

Sinatra,

 

I realise you are struggling with some health issues.

 

You may already be trying to keep busy, I don't know. If you aren't though, it could be beneficial to you to try and find things that you enjoy or feel like doing.

 

Helping an elderly neighbor or a good friend. Just anything to occupy some of the time you might otherwise spend dwelling. Get in touch with some buddies you may have lost contact with over the yrs.

 

I wish I could just grab your hand and pull you up off the couch and out into the sunshine. I'm counting on you to get up and go do something that you enjoy!

[SRV]

BRAVO GUNNY, BRAVO!

 

Sinatra, it does and will get better. It is just a matter of time, trust me on this one, although it may be hard for you to see it or acknowledge it now.

 

As Gunny so aptly put it, the healing process will also depend on the choices that you make and how soon you accept your situation for what it is.

 

Wish you well brother!