Separated for a month now, in limbo land.

[hopesndreams]

I've created a life by myself and for myself and have been moving forward.

 

Keep moving forward and don't look back. You have given up enough of your life for someone who does not appreciate you. She has shown herself for what and who she is. A coward and a user. She left you when you needed her and she left you when she had another man to go to. She hasn't admitted to an OM to your face and she never will. You read her emails and know she cheated and while you are reading this she is with him. I believe that the times she did reach out to you were because things weren't going so well with her OM. She looked at you as an option and not a priority and when things were going well with her OM, she went cold on you.

 

You love her. That won't stop for quite the while, but she is not the sweet, loving wife you once knew. That woman is gone. If she wanted to get back with you, she would not have let weeks go by without some form of contact.

 

Forgive yourself completely from all the guilt you are experiencing from the demise of your marriage. Forgive her as well for not giving you another chance to make things right.

 

How many times can you allow her to tell you she is confused and give her the option of being with you or not? You've done it twice, that I've read about. Do you want her to do it again? No, of course not. Do you honestly believe she will be open to saving the marriage that she had thrown away, with such disdain, over a cup of coffee? You can't fight this alone anymore. If she truly wanted to be with you, a piece of paper won't stop her from doing so, so file.

[sinatra]

So let me see if I can keep this update relatively short, but the hope is now completely gone and out of my situation. I've been trying to get my house refinanced this month and it's taken a few weeks. Anyway yesterday the mortgage company called and said that everything is going through, BUT they need one more thing for the file to be completely processed. You guessed it they need a copy of my wife's credit to be on file since it's the state of Texas and it's community property.

 

So I emailed her yesterday and kept it very business like and asked her if she would contact the mortgage company to give them permission to run her credit. I was as nice as I could be and just said that I appreciate her doing that. So she emailed me back today and said that she's doing ok and that she's stressed and things are very hectic. She said that she's confused as to why I'm doing this before we've discussed our situation with an attorney. She said that she knows in the state of Texas anything to do with the house is split 50/50. So that concerned me right off the bat. She said that she wants to keep it fair and that she understood why I'm trying to refinace. Then she goes into how broke she is and barely making ends meat. She asked if I had contacted an attorney and if I was being advised by him, she would have contacted one but she can't afford it. She tells me that she needs to come and get the rest of her stuff and goes on listing everything that she needs to come and pickup. Tells me again that she's running herself ragged and is completely stressed. She says that she's going through this transition with me and her work and that she's very stressed with it all. She then asks if she can have more money. She reiterates that she just hopes that I understand and that I will be fair. Then at the end of the email she says that the last time she saw me that I looked amazing!

 

I called her so we can just hash this stuff out. I had to explain to her that I was refi'ing the house so that I can keep the house with lower payments and not too sell it. I asked her if she was wanting half of the house and she gave me some answer like not really I just knew what the law is and wasn't sure if a lawyer told you to do that. I said that there is no equity in the home and there's nothing to get and that I haven't contacted an attorney because I can't afford to at this time. She then tells me the estimated value that's on zillow which she wouldn't have known to look there unless someone advised her to go there (architect boyfriend is what I'm thinking, could be wrong). I just let her know that I hope things will go as smoothly as possible. I was being very nice and trying to play it as cool as I could. She then went into talking about her job and the other possible wine bar that she's going to work at but can't because her friend the owner can't pay her right now. We talked for 30 or so minutes about her work and my work and stuff and really it was her doing most of talking about herself and her not really caring about what is going on with me. The biggest thing that I noticed was the lack of emotion that she had for me while she was on the phone. I explained to her that I'm not in the financial position that she thinks that I am and that I really couldn't give her the money she was looking for. I asked her how much she was looking for and she said 2000$!! I said I just can't do that and she said well you don't have to pay me all at once. I reminded her that I gave her 3500 already and let her take half of everything in the house and didn't mention anything about how I cleaned up her credit and payed her student loan off of 3200 a month before she left.

 

So we ended the conversation by making arraignments for her to come and pick up the rest of her stuff on Monday. I then said ok so I guess I'm going to look into the divorce and see what we can do on our own? She said yes and didn't waiver. I didn't press anything with her but she didn't make me ever think that she was interested in anything different. I said ok and then we let each other go. I called her back just to let her know that I could meet her at the house on Monday because I have a doc appointment. She then questioned that I didn't trust her and got upset. I let her know that I trusted her but I was just wondering what she really wanted to get and that I could be there. She said just to leave the key to the gate and leave the stuff on the porch. I said that works and that have a good day.

 

I'm sorry if I'm all over the place. It's just a lot to process and get out in writing. I'm now ending this and filing as soon as possible. Going to either go the attorney route or the online route. I was really trying to do the NC and move on with my life, but that just wasn't possible with the refi situation. She's had every opportunity to turn this around and get out of the bad spot that she's put herself in.

 

She also apparently talked with my step sister in May and told her that she just doesn't have any feelings for me anymore. I would have liked to know that last month!

 

Sucks that it looks like this chapter of my life is quickly coming to a close. It was already there but I had that hope in the back of my head. I would have left it alone for a while but I didn't have much of a choice if I wanted to keep my house and lower my payment. Didn't force this on her or try and push her to make a decision, simply trying to keep my home.

 

I of course welcome all the support that you all provide because it's here and I will be filing next week.

[sinatra]

I know my last post was long and I was rambling but i could use to hear from you all today. I'm completely numb of feelings right now. Just feel absoultey f**** over right now.

[hopesndreams]

You did what you had to do, for you. The last big step and it wasn't your decision, it was hers. She forced you to do this. She wasn't brave enough and took the easy way out. You will now be free from her asking for money and telling you how stressed she is. All of her manipulations will now be over. I envy that. I am struggling so hard myself that I'm finding it very difficult to offer you any comfort at this time. Hopefully someone will come along soon who has been through it all and offer some.

[skywriter]

Hi Sinatra,

 

Hopefully Monday will bring finality as far as her moving out goes.

 

Try not to let her emotions pin you down with guilt. Sounds like you've been as fair and cooperative as possible.

 

Gosh, I've been where you are myself, refinancing my home , car titles changed, the list goes on. Once you get it all settled, it's easier to just not go there with anyone else. This is my mindset, for now anyway and I'm eight yrs out of it.

 

It's hard to think about that one person you may have actually loved more than yourself, acting as if someone has inhibited their body. It's like, "Hey, ______, are you in there"? I tell you the truth, it makes it easy to just be single.

 

You are handling your business Sinatra. You're are taking care of your home, pets and yourself. You are going to make it and come out stronger, and better for some very lucky person in the future that deserves a great guy like you.

 

It has been a long, crazy eight yrs for myself. I've learned some things I didn't realise about myself. Just keep on keeping on. I've made mistakes and also survived some tough situations. Everything happens for a reason.

 

I am finally at a place where I feel content being single. Interestingly enough, this is when I attract men.

 

You are doing great Sinatra, everyday you get stronger.

[sinatra]

Not that this is too much of a suprise but it was confirmed that my wife has herself a boyfriend for a while now. Not that i'm shocked by this it's still pretty hard to hear when she's been manipulating me to get money. I'm preparing for a fight with my house as well. This woman has never contributed a thing to paying bills for 2 years even though i was happy to do it she leaves me when I need her the most. Whatever beating a dead horse.

 

Talked with an attorney and I'm meeting with him on Monday. My problem is I have to communicate to her that the best and cheapest route for us both is to agree to go our seperate ways with what we currently have and then file. Any suggestions on how to best approach this? I was going to email her and try to help her come to her senses on the divorce. My next option is to just got straight to the attorney and have him draw the papers up and have her served. I just think that will be expensive if she doesn't agree with things and refuses to sign the papers. That could be an expensive issue for sure.

 

What does everyone one think. I have confirmed she has a boyfriend while still being married but it Texas so doesn't matter I'm sure.

 

Let me know what you all think is the best approach at this point.

[Gunny376]

First thing to do is to emotionally disconnet. As hard as that may be? You really need to do that.

 

Whether the X has a BF matters not, its just a confirmation that the marriage is did, done, and over with.

 

The next thing that you need to do is approach this from a business standpoint and a business matter ~ because now that's what this is.

 

Think of it as the dissolution of a business partnership?

 

One of the things your need to do is pay to run a credit check on yourself. To see if you've "taken" out some credit cards that you don't know about! JC Penny, Parisian, Macy's, etc. Wives can and do take out credit cards without their husbands knowing about it, charge them to the max and the next thing you know? You tens of thousands of dollars in debt you didn't know about!

 

Then you need to keep a check on your credit for the next year to two years! With all three of the major credit reporting agencies, (* Mind you! These are the three major credit reporting agencies ~ there are others that report on you that will prevent you from cashing a check at WalMart)

 

Next I would call the IRS. Just to see to if everything is on the up and up with them. My XHEX back-doored me big time on that one. Call them and stay in touch with them every quarter for the next two to three years! Don't assume it is!

 

Get face to face with your creditors but most especially with your banker!

Explain your situation, and make sure your butt is covered.

 

Get her off your credit cards, cancel them and have them re-issued in your name only!

 

You can't get her off your savings, insurance, checking accounts, fast enough! Do this YESTERDAY!

[Asami]

First thing to do is to emotionally disconnet. As hard as that may be? You really need to do that.

 

Whether the X has a BF matters not, its just a confirmation that the marriage is did, done, and over with.

 

The next thing that you need to do is approach this from a business standpoint and a business matter ~ because now that's what this is.

 

Think of it as the dissolution of a business partnership?

 

One of the things your need to do is pay to run a credit check on yourself. To see if you've "taken" out some credit cards that you don't know about! JC Penny, Parisian, Macy's, etc. Wives can and do take out credit cards without their husbands knowing about it, charge them to the max and the next thing you know? You tens of thousands of dollars in debt you didn't know about!

 

Then you need to keep a check on your credit for the next year to two years! With all three of the major credit reporting agencies, (* Mind you! These are the three major credit reporting agencies ~ there are others that report on you that will prevent you from cashing a check at WalMart)

 

Next I would call the IRS. Just to see to if everything is on the up and up with them. My XHEX back-doored me big time on that one. Call them and stay in touch with them every quarter for the next two to three years! Don't assume it is!

 

Get face to face with your creditors but most especially with your banker!

Explain your situation, and make sure your butt is covered.

 

Get her off your credit cards, cancel them and have them re-issued in your name only!

 

You can't get her off your savings, insurance, checking accounts, fast enough! Do this YESTERDAY!

 

Gunny, excellent post! after reading this thread everyone including you Gunny, has given great advice. Sin, sounds like your wife is playing with your emotions like a puppet master with a puppet. I understand that you're hurting right now, and this is hard for you, but like Gunny and the others have been saying you have to focus on the bigger picture YOU! please take care of yourself, and take care of your health and financial health as well, and most of all DO NOT contact her at all! if you need to communicate with her about the dissolution of the partnership,go through your lawyer.

[sinatra]

My wife emailed last night and is calling the mortgage company so that I may process my refi. She also said that she has thought more about it and she wants to continue with the divorce. She doesn't have any idea that I know about her boyfriend. I'm not letting her know that I know until the divorce is final. I'm going today to give the money to my attorney and having him file this week. There's a 60 day waiting period so in about 60-70 days I will be divorced.

 

It's bitter sweet at this point because I still love the woman even though I know her true colors and she's been lying to me this entire time about what her intentions are. This whole experience has been one that will stay with me for a very very long time and I don't think I will ever forget the pain even though I know it will get easier. She told me in the email that she loves me and always will, still playing on my emotions which angers and hurts me at the same time.

 

I get the house and she is coming today to pick up the rest of her stuff that I put out on the back porch. We are going to sell our scooters and split the money. All the memories of the past 5 years are stuck in my head and hard to let go of. Trying to look towards the future and what it has to offer.

[Gunny376]

Oh! There's most definitely life after divorce! And not just 'life' but a good life!

 

Your major concern after divorce?

 

Is in not jumping back into another relationship too soon afterwards?

 

The time to do so is when your completely comfortable with being single and alone by and with yourself!

 

When you could give a good damn if you ever married again, was in a relationship, whatever.

 

Get a dog! Preferably a Daschund! They're such clowns and will entertain you for hours, and love you unconditionally!

[sinatra]

Thanks Gunny, I don't plan on jumping into anything serious for some time now. Even though she has made the choice to already start a serious relationship with someone else. That just solidifys that she's been emotionally detached long before she actually physically left.

 

I already have two boxer dogs and they are great company to have around and have helped me more than I think I realize. I'm a little concerned on how long it will take for me to get to a point to be with someone else. The scars and pain have really effected me to the point of altering my entire belief system and emotions after this.

[SRV]

Thanks Gunny, I don't plan on jumping into anything serious for some time now. Even though she has made the choice to already start a serious relationship with someone else. That just solidifys that she's been emotionally detached long before she actually physically left.

 

I already have two boxer dogs and they are great company to have around and have helped me more than I think I realize. I'm a little concerned on how long it will take for me to get to a point to be with someone else. The scars and pain have really effected me to the point of altering my entire belief system and emotions after this.

 

I have followed your thread.

 

You have handled yourself well and with dignity.

 

You will overcome this and will get centered again, trust me on this one.

 

As Gunny always says, its time to get your azz busy living and taking care of you-financially, emotionally, physically, mentally (re-education) and learn from the past as not to repeat the same in the future. Good luck!

[sinatra]

Just a quick update. Things have been great for me once I made the decision to truly let go and move on with my life. I have a couple of dates lined up already and should be filing next week for the divorce. The wife and I are just emailing to finalizing division of some of our stuff. She has decided to just go without any additional fight for the house or anymore money.

 

We've actually had some humor in our emails back and forth. I don't think she knows that I know about her boyfriend but I don't really care. I'm done with it and having some fun on my own now. Went to the Kid Rock show last night with some friends and that was pretty cool. I'm not trying to say that there isn't anymore hurt or some pain, but it's so much more bearable and I'm not living in the past like I was. The mornings are still a little difficult but they pass quickly.

 

I have a few attractive cool women that I'm talking with. Taking it all slow but a little company is what I need at this point.

 

Wanted to thank everyone again for being there and reading all of my long posts. I'm going to hang around and hope to help others and proabably have some more updates as the divorce get's closer.

 

To all having a hard time, please please hang on for yourself and yourself alone. YOU REALLY CAN'T FIGHT TO CHANGE SOMEONE ELSE!! You have to be able to let that person go and find a life for yourself. The sooner you make that decision the better you're going to be whatever happens. Please take that to heart I can't stress that enough. We all have (or at least I have) wasted months and months of our lives waiting on someone else to want to come back all of a sudden. 95% of the time it doesn't happen.

 

Start loving yourself now!!