Separated for a month now, in limbo land.

[sinatra]

My closest friend passed away last night suddenly. She had trouble breathing in the morning and was complaining of back pain. They called 911 and they admitted her into the ICU as soon as she arrived. She was having a lot of breathing problems and in pain. They put her on a ventilator and a few hours later she flat lined. They were able to revive her and we were hoping for the best. She ended up flat lining 4 more times and was losing oxygen to her brain. They couldn't stabilize her and they made decision to not revive her if it happened again.

 

She was my number one support system and such a great friend to ton of people. I just spent the weekend with her and laughing with her. Now in less than 24 hours died. It's just a complete and utter shock.

 

One of my friends called my wife and let her know. She ended up calling me and telling me how sorry she was. She asked if she should could come to the funeral. I let her know that I didn't see why not. After thinking about it I'm not sure it's such a good idea. I really believe that she wants to come for the right reasons, however I don't want it to set me back. I would think that if she really gave a crap she would have offered to call and check up on me or reach out a little more than she did.

 

I'm just concerned about what to do and if I should let her know that I don't think it's a good idea that she comes to the funeral. What are everyone's thoughts.

 

I really miss my friend and she was taken away from everyone so suddenly. You just never know how things happen or what is coming next.

[Chrome Barracuda]

NO NO NO!!!!

 

yOUR WIFE SHOULD HAVE NOT BEEN INVITED!!!

 

your only gonna place yourself right back where you are if your not gonna move forward!!! Disinvite her from the funeral!!!!

 

You'll be depressed again and right back where you are, pining for her still in the fog old your old life. Just accept her condolences and keep it moving, why is she calling you if she aint coming home!!!

[seibert253]

NO NO NO!!!!

 

yOUR WIFE SHOULD HAVE NOT BEEN INVITED!!!

 

your only gonna place yourself right back where you are if your not gonna move forward!!! Disinvite her from the funeral!!!!

 

You'll be depressed again and right back where you are, pining for her still in the fog old your old life. Just accept her condolences and keep it moving, why is she calling you if she aint coming home!!!

 

Agree. If she can't be disinvited, then keep your distance and avoid all contact and conversation. If you have another support partner, keep them with you. Act as a team to deflect.

[sinatra]

So I went to my friends funeral service yesterday and man that was hard. There were over 2,000 people there. Just goes to show you what an amazing person she was and how many people she touched during her short life. My W did show up but I was sitting with a row of friends so she sat in a different area with other friends of mine. She was telling them that she wished that she was able to sit with me.

 

After the initial service while everyone was gathering outside the main hall she came up to me and hugged me for a good 5 minutes and we both cried pretty hard. She said she was so sorry and so shocked about my friend. I then started to let my emotions get the better of me with the whole situation and asked how she was doing. We haven't talked since she walked out the last time about a month ago. She said so so not so good. I then asked her if she still wanted to go through with everything. I know I know I shouldn't have said anything at all but I just had too much damn emotions going through me and it was tough to control them. She just said that she didn't want to talk about it. I told her I didn't either and changed the subject and asked her if she was working tonight. She said yes and something about them not allowing her take off the full day. I told her that I appreciated her coming and I'm sure my friend would have too. We then hugged for another pretty long time and she cried some more and left.

 

Please don't bash me for saying anything to her. It wasn't the place or the time and I know I shouldn't have said anything at all. I'm beating myself up much more than anyone could do at this point. Just couldn't control my freaking emotions at that point and was trying to reach out.

 

I'm leaving her alone and it does seem that she wants to move forward with getting the divorce. I'm just just trying to get past all this. Her MIL txted me later in the evening and asked if I was ok. Just told her "yes doing the best I can under the curcumstances. Thanks for asking."

 

I'm not reading anything into anything and trying to pick up the pieces of my life. My goals now are to try and get my house refinanced so I have a better chance of keeping it. Also, try and get a clean bill of health. Focusing on work during all this and taking care of my two boxers, which are like kids and require a ton of attention.

 

You all have been very supportive through all of this every time. I appreciate anyone's input as usual. Thank you so much again. This board has helped me numerous times to get through some really hard times.

[Jonesey]

Sin, you are fine and I don't think you've done anything wrong. I totally understand that you were being emotional and know how that feels. The amount of control and discipline you must have to not want to share this experience with your STBX is insane. You want to be able to go to the one you love in a time like this and share your pain, but we both know all too well that you simply cannot do this.

 

From your update, it sounds like your STBX may be feeling the consequences of her actions. She is telling you that she does not feel Ok or is down to get a response from you and to recharge her ego. Do not give her the recharge, let her run down until she has nothing left, and comes crawling back. This is going to happen, you know it and I know it, just be strong and wait it out a little more. You will have the control and call the shots. Hopefully you will be in a place to be able to say, "Go to hell!".

 

Good luck buddy, you are in my thoughts. Oh, and I am sorry for the loss of your friend.

 

Jonesey

[sinatra]

So at this point I should just leave it alone and continue NC? I was going to send her an email and ask her to come and get the rest of her stuff in a few weeks. She might beat me to it for all I know.

 

Thoughts?

[TrustInYourself]

Follow your heart, but I'd be wary of raising your expectations. She's just coming to get her stuff. That's it.

[sinatra]

I'm just going to leave it alone for a little while. There is some stupid feeling that I have inside that there's a little hope. Even when all realistic thoughts point towards a divorce. She hasn't contacted me since the funeral for my friend last week.

 

My birthday is this Thursday and although I'm not expecting anything from her, deep down I would love to hear from her. It's better that I don't at this point.

 

My grandmother sent some pictures from her 95th birthday to my W a couple weeks ago and she hasn't contacted my grandmother. I didn't expect her to, but my grandmother misses talking with her so she sent over some pictures. I just let her know that it looks like she isn't going to contact you and to let her go at this point.

 

I moved bedrooms today. Even though my master is bigger than the room I moved into I needed a paradigm shift I think. Waking up in that room was getting to me and I needed a change. It was difficult and I did get upset while doing it. That was something that my wife and I wanted to do before because we felt better in that room.

 

This just sucks all around and I'm trying to stay positive and the pain is getting less and less each day. Just have to continue NC and moving forward, but I can't get this stupid false hope out of my head. I'm pretty sure that's just me not wanting to "let it go" completely.

 

I'm missing her a lot today.

[sinatra]

So a quick update. It's my birthday today and I wasn't expecting anything from her or her family. I got a call from MIL and she wished me happy birthday. It was a pretty quick conversation and she told me about a catering event her and my W are doing this weekend. That was the first time I've talked with her on the phone since all this happened back in Feb. Then when I'm on the phone with her my W txt'd me "Happy Birthday Sweets!"

 

Someone please tell me how to approach this one? I've had a lot of people just tell me to not respond at this point. I haven't responded to her at all. I'm thinking it doesn't really mean anything at this point, but I know you all have some good advice on how to approach these types of situations. This is the first time I've heard from her since she showed up at the funeral on Tuesday. Thinking that she just is wishing me happy birthday and that's that.

 

Thanks for the advice as usual.

[Gunny376]

Means nothing ~ no more than a co-worker telling you the same thing.

 

Action not words are what count!

[skywriter]

Happy Birthday Sinatra!!! I do hope that you'll celebrate with your friends and loved ones, ( your pups too)!!

 

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday Sinatra, happy birthday, to you!!!

and many more!!!!

[lupa]

Means nothing ~ no more than a co-worker telling you the same thing.

 

Action not words are what count!

When I read your posts, Gunny, I think of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman...

 

You're the kick in the ass everyone needs.

[sinatra]

Thanks for all the Happy Birthday wishes! I didn't respond to her at all. I probably would have felt better responding with a "Thank You", but whatever. Really if she wants to reach out a txt message isn't going to do. I'm not angry with her I just don't like the "sweets" comment if she is moving on with the divorce, which nothing has been done on the front from either side.

 

Her brother txted me a Happy Birthday and I love you later in the day. My MIL, txted again later in the day asking if I did something fun for my BDay and commented on how great it was to hear my voice and that she loved me much. I let her know that my friends planned a get together and was having a good time and that i loved her and it was nice to hear her voice as well.

 

Of course I'm trying to not read into anything and just continue with moving forward, but obviously not having the best luck with that. I'd love to think that it was more than it was, but I can't afford to be set back again. It hurts way too much and is devastating to my well being. At this point I would need a lot more reassurance and commitment to reconcile right now. It's still painful and I miss her terribly but have to stay the course.

 

I still regret a little not at least giving her a "Thanks" or something but again, don't think that would make or break anything at this point

[sinatra]

I broke down today and sent my W a txt saying "Thanks for the BDay wishes" today. Even though it was a day late atleast i don't look angry or that i'm ignoring her.

 

I'm trying to not read her mind and get caught up in it all, but hey look at me now. I hope I didn't make a mistake by waiting a day to respond to her. Reading way too much into this situation!! This is so freakin stupid and doesn't even matter in the end.

 

I suck right now for letting all this consume me today!!

[Sufferin_Succotash]

Sinatra,

 

Let me say that I find you to be an inspiration. With everything you are going through (emotionally and physically) and with as many times as you have fallen, you keep getting back up. Bravo!

 

I have been trolling these types of threads for quite sometime getting bits and pieces to help with my own situation (which I will not go into here as I do not wish to steal your thread). But yours seems to have hit me the most. So much so that I have choosen to actually reply (something I never do ... suffer in silence as they say).

 

Keep fighting. Fighting for you. Don't worry anymore about her feelings and whether or not it was rude that you didn't respond. I think you are entitled to a little $hittiness directed towards her ~ Intentional or not. BTW... NC is the only way to go IMO.

 

Go have a KickA$$ B-Day. Then take that KickA$$ B-Day and stretch it into tomorrow and the next day and the day after and so on. Basically go grab the KickA$$ life you deserve!

[Gunny376]

Its good that you waited a day, that doesn't make you look like an over anxious supplicating puppy begging to be patted on the head.

[sinatra]

Sweet! I got an atta boy from the Gunny! Made my Friday!

[sinatra]

Thanks Sufferin, just read your post, missed it earlier. Whatever your situation you hang in there as well and try and stay as positive as possible. I've been really working on changing all the negative chatter internally. It's a constant struggle but it's getting better.

 

I've decided not to sit an wait for my life to improve or get better. I've got to just act as if it's already happening. I think it is and things are turning around.

 

Thanks again for your support.

[sinatra]

Went out with friends on Saturday night and had a pretty good time. Got lot's of looks from the ladies which always helps one's self esteem. Not interested or confident enough yet to go up and start talking with anyone. Just trying to taking things slow and heal some more. After another hard Sunday I'm back to negotiating with myself. I keep thinking that she may want to try and reach out but feels that she has done too much damage and is afraid to reach out again. I know this isn't rational thought at this point and I have to continue NC with her but it's just hard to think that maybe she does want to reach out.

 

I guess that's stupid, because if she really did she would. The reason I'm thinking about all this is that the last time she reached out she said that she just didn't know how because she thought that I had moved on so she just tried to reached out anyway saying that she has nothing to lose.

 

Looking for some direction on how I continue on this course. Do I just leave it alone or will there come a time when I have to make a decision to let her know that one of us needs to start the divorce process. Again i don't want that in the end and I'm not pushing it, but how long do you wait for something to happen?? It just seems so hopeless right now when there isn't any movement from either side and things just seem to be progressing towards the divorce.

 

How long do you continue in this state? I'm not really moving forward with letting go, because I have my hopes and dreams with her. If she is already moving on which EVERY sign points to that why am I sitting her almost waiting for something to happen??

 

I'm getting a life and trying to be as positive and proactive as I can with my life, but I feel that without the divorce which again I don't want that I'm just sitting in limbo once again.

 

Hope this makes sense just having another conflicted day with my emotions.

[sinatra]

I'm at a point in this whole process where I feel that I'm coming to a breaking point. I miss her terribly as we all are missing our WS's. I'm just at a point where I feel I need to reach out and ask her if she is still wanting to move forward with filing. I haven't started the process and I'm pretty sure she hasn't either.

 

The last communication I received from her was on my birthday last Thursday when she txted me "Happy Birthday Sweets!". I'm just having the hardest time moving forward with all this because I don't feel like she has clearly said yes move forward with filing. If she does want to file I'm going to request that she starts the process. She wants the divorce she can go through the headache of handling all the paperwork.

 

There's just silence from both sides and part of me wants to continue NC and leave it alone and let her realize that the grass isn't greener on the other side, but the other part of me wants to reach out and see where she is with her feelings with all this so we can both really move forward if that's what we have to do.

 

There is part of me that thinks that she doesn't want to reach out because what happened the last time when she realized that she was confused and got cold feet when we started talking about it all. She might just be afraid of what I would say if she tried to reach out. I know that sounds pretty weak form my side of things.

 

I really would love to hear everyone's advice on this one that would like to chime in. It's been an extremely hard time dealing with the loss of my closest friend and also the loss of my W. I'm just lost as to what my next step should be.

 

Forgive me for being all over the place for my last few posts, but it's been very difficult lately.

 

I would like to request counseling to her and or see where she is at with everything.

 

Thanks again for all the advice that you all provide it helps me a ton!

[Chrome Barracuda]

Is the OM still in the picture?

 

If he is in any form or manner there's nothing to talk about.

 

Sinatra, now you see what all of us has been saying by action talks Bulls*** walks.

 

If she wanted to recommit to the marriage she'd come back and her resolve would be 100%

 

Sadly to say when your ready to move on and file for divorce there's no need for a head's up. Just do it.

 

Sinatra, she left you for OM when you was diagnosed with cancer!?!? dude how could you honestly forgive her? How could she forgive herself? I dont think she'd be able to save face. She'd have to atone for what she's done to you and everyone else.

 

I just dont think she'll put in the hard work to do so.

[sinatra]

Not sure if the OM is in the picture or not at this point. She never admitted that he ever was and I'm not breaking into her email again. I've really been trying to move forward with letting go and have continued NC. I was on the verge of reaching out last week and decided to hold off.

 

I agree with you Chrome. It would be hard for her to save face from everything that has happened.

 

The weekends are the hardest even when I have things planned and trying to stay busy. I was thinking over the weekend that I miss the physical attention of a woman. I know I could probably have that with someone else if I really wanted to, but I think I'm not really ready for that and I would be missing my wife that much more wishing it was her. Then when I woke up this morning my mind was racing and I was thinking how long my W put up with the lack of love physical and emotional love from me and I'm racked with guilt again. My heart is telling me to write her an email saying that I I'm sorry for neglecting you for so long and that I really understand some of the pain that you where feeling since I'm experiencing a lot of that same pain now.

 

I know that the recommended action would be to stay NC because she would reach out to me if she was wanting to give it a chance. I'm just feeling that I really didn't allow her a safe way back if she wanted to reach out. I know that if there is another man in the picture it's all a moot point. I'm sure this will pass, but I've had this urge to reach out and just let her know that I'm sorry for the way she was neglected.

 

Most of the crying and the intense pain has passed. I've adjusted my life to living alone and am really just dealing with a lot of loneliness and missing the love of a woman at this point.

 

What do you all think? Worth shooting her an email just to state I better understand how she must have been feeling and that I'm feeling much more remorseful of how she must have felt? I've been really solid with NC, but I guess I'm just breaking a little and just so curious if she is having some doubts about going through with this.

 

She is not my sole source of happiness, obviously I have found happiness with my self and friends and other things. Just still wanting to be with her after all this.

[Gunny376]

If you've a chance in Hell with her?

 

Go NC!

 

Get busy living your life!

 

Get on with your life!

 

Live your life without her!

 

Live your Life for yourself!

 

Not someone else!

[sinatra]

I've definitely been living my life for myself. That's just a fact and I've stuck by that. I've created a life by myself and for myself and have been moving forward.

 

I just don't have any closure from this situation and I want to know for damn sure that she isn't interested in any shape or form in reconciling. I've had people say ask her to get a cup of coffee or ask her if she would like to go to MC at all.

 

What's the downfall of reaching out in that sense?

[skywriter]

Hiya Sinatra!

 

You should consider making those first three sentences in your previous post, your mantra....

 

If she was interested in any form of reconciliation, you'd be the first to know.

 

Hmmmm, downfall to reaching out? I say, refer back to your first three sentences, in your last post...